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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by JenStar on June 12, 2005, at 10:59:49
In reply to Admin threads making me hurt, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 7:02:34
I guess some of the posts there, if I look at it in a distanced way (trying not to get irritated) make me sad for certain posters. I mean, think what life must be like if you're the kind of person who spends hours upon hours asking for determinations, arguing fairness, and quibbling about the meaning or interpretation of a single word. It must be tiring. The people who do this don't get happiness, mutual support, or love from anyone here. Maybe they derive some kind of pleasure from being nit-picky; maybe they go on some kind of power-trip from "forcing" Dr. Bob or the deputies to respond to them, over and over and over and over and over and over (etc) again.
But to me, it's just sad. It seems to ME that such a person must not be happy in their "real" life, must not have a lot of friends, must be combative or argumentative or withdrawn.
So even though they still irritate me a lot when I read their posts (even though they've never posted to me!) -- I try to think of it from this other angle.
I don't know if that helps. Do you agree with me at all?
JenStar
Posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 11:05:28
In reply to lots of kudos to Dinah for sticking it out! :), posted by JenStar on June 12, 2005, at 10:13:26
I agree. She has related that being a deputy has its heavy emotional price at times. Sometimes I can be more stoic than others. I'm just very vulnerable right now, I guess. Many triggering events IRL that make me see bad intent where it may not be. On the other hand, perhaps triggering events allow scales to fall from my eyes and I see some posts for the threats that I think they represent. Who knows without the benefit of a face-to-face meeting to hash things out?
Still, it's a good time for me to take a step back. I invest a great deal of myself here emotionally. I divulge great huge hunks of myself on several boards here, and so can feel quite vulnerable when the site itself is represented by posts on Admin as an unsafe or unhealthy place.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 11:17:57
In reply to some threads there are actually sad » partlycloudy, posted by JenStar on June 12, 2005, at 10:59:49
> I guess some of the posts there, if I look at it in a distanced way (trying not to get irritated) make me sad for certain posters. I mean, think what life must be like if you're the kind of person who spends hours upon hours asking for determinations, arguing fairness, and quibbling about the meaning or interpretation of a single word. It must be tiring. The people who do this don't get happiness, mutual support, or love from anyone here. Maybe they derive some kind of pleasure from being nit-picky; maybe they go on some kind of power-trip from "forcing" Dr. Bob or the deputies to respond to them, over and over and over and over and over and over (etc) again.
>
> But to me, it's just sad. It seems to ME that such a person must not be happy in their "real" life, must not have a lot of friends, must be combative or argumentative or withdrawn.
>
> So even though they still irritate me a lot when I read their posts (even though they've never posted to me!) -- I try to think of it from this other angle.
>
> I don't know if that helps. Do you agree with me at all?
>
> JenStarAbsolutely. I look at the site as a whole as a place to come for information, support, education. It's peer-to-peer support; not therapy, or medical treatment. It's us poor slobs helping other poor slobs with mental illness.
When I read posts that are concerned solely with how the site is run/administered, or how the rules are applied, to me they miss the point completely, and that's where I feel the threat. These posts are not supportive, educational (for me, at least, not being a student of law or philosophy), and frankly leave me feeling that some people come here not for the purposes for which the site was built, but for their own personal agendas. I find this so very disturbing and personally unsafe, that I become very defensive and upset.
And I personally feel that the civility guidelines are set up so that posters deal with each other in a polite manner through issues and difficulties, and that deferring to Administration is a "last resort". At least, that's my interpretation.
pc
sorry we haven't "talked" much before. I do enjoy reading your posts, JenStar!
Posted by fallsfall on June 12, 2005, at 11:26:47
In reply to Admin threads making me hurt, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 7:02:34
I stopped reading Admin maybe a year ago. I realized that I really couldn't help the situation much. That my way of coping wasn't going to work for so many other people. That it was too frustrating to me that I *couldn't* help the situation.
And I've felt a lot better. I get the support I need (and give the support I need) on Psychological or Social. And I know that I can't save the rest of the world from all of its strife.
When I was in Chicago, I mentioned to Dr. Bob that I stopped reading Admin, but that I might try it again. His comment was interesting - he asked if I thought that being able to read admin was a sign that I was doing better. I said that I thought that it was. So I've been reading Admin. Not posting, but reading. I have a certain distance from it that I didn't have before. I can see that the issues being discussed aren't about the particular post that is being challenged - but about the question of consistency and fairness and how decisions are made and how can people know what the rules are. So I am able to step back from the details of the issues and sort of see a more "big picture" view. Now, if I keep reading for a while, and if I start posting about it, things may change a lot!!! I don't know - and I haven't decided what my goal is. I guess that the key might be to try to develop some empathy for those who confuse/annoy/anger you. There *IS* a reason that they post as they do. Can you see the possibility that they have valid concerns because of experiences from their past? Why do they have these concerns if you don't? Should they be moving towards the middle or should you? or both?
Or feel free to take a break from it. From experience, I can tell you that Babble is a full experience without Admin. If it isn't helping you, if it is hurting you, you don't have an obligation to stay involved. Someone else can take a turn.
Posted by jay on June 12, 2005, at 11:55:43
In reply to Admin threads making me hurt, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 7:02:34
I hope you are feeling better, p.c. The other aspect I really hate about Admin is the number of threads that accuse others of being "this" or "that".... It's like anybody can come up and accuse you of *anything*, by just adding "I feel put down" at the end. People can sue others for wrongful accusations...there should be something similar to stop people from posting "wrongful accusations", because it is getting crazy..."he said...she said...", etc.
Take care,
Jay
Posted by JenStar on June 12, 2005, at 11:56:10
In reply to Re: some threads there are actually sad » JenStar, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 11:17:57
I enjoy your posts too, PC! :) If you do take a break, I hope you come back soon.
You're right, it does seem that some people just miss the point of it all. I just hope they don't multiply and bog down the site like a virus!
I like falls' comment about seeing how they need something too, something different than we need. That helps me think of them with more compassion. But I still feel irritated at them, too! I guess I vacillate between understanding and being sort of dispassionate about it, and then getting all passionate and mad.
I think the comment you made about being 'better' if you can read admin is a good one. I guess it does show a certain maturity or strength to be able to read it and NOT respond in kind - just to read it, take it in, and then post elsewhere as needed.
I go back and forth. Maybe that's an indication of my mental state. :)
Take care of yourself! Feel better. Have a good Sunday. :)
JenStar
Posted by Minnie-Haha on June 12, 2005, at 12:34:36
In reply to Admin threads making me hurt, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 7:02:34
> Too many words, meaning not clear. Intent on multiple threads *feel* less than helpful. I avoid conflict when I am unarmed with the right words, when I interpret posts as bait for me to respond quickly in confusion and frustration. Posts are not directed at me personally, but I feel teased and taunted by having words, phrases, sentences swirl around me when I read them, like so many throws of a rope, to be tightened by my own ineptness if I attempt to reply. So I stay away, very upset and on the defensive but unable to respond with any effectiveness. I can't say I have ever enjoyed a good debate...
I hear you. You really need thick skin over there sometimes. Take heart, dear.
Posted by Poet on June 12, 2005, at 12:39:24
In reply to Admin threads making me hurt, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 7:02:34
HI PC,
Thank you for reminding me why I avoid the admin boards.
Come back soon. Just don't read admin, okay?
Poet
Posted by JenStar on June 12, 2005, at 13:24:10
In reply to Re: Admin threads making me hurt » partlycloudy, posted by fallsfall on June 12, 2005, at 11:26:47
Falls,
I really admire your attitude about admin. I think it's a really mature way to think about it. I agree with you, but unfortunately sometimes I'm just not able to control my irritation.I don't really know WHY I get irritated. I'm not sure what I want to fix or do...it's a good thing to think about. Maybe it's just a really childish way on my part of wanting to irritate people who irritate ME. I know that's "small minded" but hopefully you all will continue to like me even if I'm sometimes not the best person in the world. (please!) Sometimes I just get so irritated by posts on admin that I WANT to irritate the person who wrote them. I know that it's guaranteed to make me feel worse in the long run, and that it won't help the situation at all. It's just -- I don't even know how to describe it! I guess it's a way of saying "This is driving me nuts!!!" Obviously there are better ways...and I know not reading it at all is probably the best way.
One thing I want to say, though-- I post on some other boards that relate to my career. I've noticed that the moderators there lets a LOT of stuff go - cursing, ranting, blatant racist comments, etc. I have to give the people who run this site a LOT of credit for helping make this a safe place and a fun place to post!
JenStar
Posted by Gabbi-x-2 on June 12, 2005, at 15:50:13
In reply to Re: lots of kudos to Dinah for sticking it out! :) » JenStar, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 11:05:28
> I agree. She has related that being a deputy has its heavy emotional price at times.
***No Kidding! She seems to be able to walk that fine line of supporting one person without dismissing another, and makes it look effortless.
*And* she can answer the question "What's worse than working the Saturday before Christmas at Wal-Mart"?
Well, actually that's of course how I'd feel, Dinah has never even hinted that it feels like that.Sometimes I can be more stoic than others. I'm just very vulnerable right now, I guess. Many triggering events IRL that make me see bad intent where it may not be. On the other hand, perhaps triggering events allow scales to fall from my eyes and I see some posts for the threats that I think they represent.
***All I know is that I completely understand. I've been frustrated by the admin board many times, but last night was one of the first times that more than just a few of the comments (not toward me) made me really hurt too.
((P.C))
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 12, 2005, at 18:07:22
In reply to Re: some threads there are actually sad » JenStar, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 11:17:57
> The people who do this don't get happiness, mutual support, or love from anyone here. Maybe they derive some kind of pleasure from being nit-picky; maybe they go on some kind of power-trip from "forcing" Dr. Bob or the deputies to respond to them, over and over and over and over and over and over (etc) again.
>
> It seems to ME that such a person must not be happy in their "real" life, must not have a lot of friends, must be combative or argumentative or withdrawn.
>
> JenStar> to me they miss the point completely... some people come here not for the purposes for which the site was built, but for their own personal agendas.
>
> pcI'm sorry it's different there, and I'm glad you're trying to cope with it, but please don't jump to conclusions about others or post anything that could lead them to feel accused or put down.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Follow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above posts, should of course themselves be civil.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by anastasia56 on June 12, 2005, at 18:28:52
In reply to Admin threads making me hurt, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 7:02:34
pc,
it's hard to hear you like this. Admin isn't worth feeling as bad as you do right now...stay over here in social!!
(((pc)))
Posted by JenStar on June 12, 2005, at 18:47:47
In reply to Re: please be civil » JenStar » partlycloudy, posted by Dr. Bob on June 12, 2005, at 18:07:22
Posted by Jai Narayan on June 12, 2005, at 19:04:48
In reply to Admin threads making me hurt, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 7:02:34
It's amazing how words can change my attitude in a moment.
kind words make me strong but harsh words can undo me.
when people are being kind I florish.it sounds like being on Admin may not give you what you need right now...
you can take a break from that place and rest on social with us.
I welcome you to relax...
let your hair down and relax.(((PC))))
Jai
Posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 19:30:33
In reply to Re: please be civil » JenStar » partlycloudy, posted by Dr. Bob on June 12, 2005, at 18:07:22
Sorry, Dr. Bob. It won't happen again.
pc
Posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 19:34:52
In reply to PC I am so sorry you feel like this..., posted by Jai Narayan on June 12, 2005, at 19:04:48
Thanks. I won't wander far from here for now. Had a big row with my husband (for us - actually speaking in complete sentences, face to face for 10 consecutive minutes) over why I'm not "getting better".
It's difficult not to be able to turn to your partner when you're hurting.
Posted by Jai Narayan on June 12, 2005, at 20:25:02
In reply to Re: PC I am so sorry you feel like this... » Jai Narayan, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 19:34:52
you must know you are not alone in this problem.
why is it when we are in need that's the very time when the support may not happen?that was the reality most of my life.
well I for one will give you support.
here and now.
Jai
Posted by Dinah on June 12, 2005, at 20:45:19
In reply to Re: PC I am so sorry you feel like this... » Jai Narayan, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 19:34:52
Ouch. I'm sorry, PC.
I've learned that it's best to hide my Babble related distress as best I can. Sometimes it's hard to do when tears are streaming down my cheeks in front of the computer. But my husband gets so angry. I think because he sees it as my choosing to be involved in something that not infrequently causes me pain. I think he thinks that should be reserved for work and family.
Could that be part of the problem with your husband?
Posted by Dinah on June 12, 2005, at 20:53:27
In reply to Re: lots of kudos to Dinah for sticking it out! :) » partlycloudy, posted by Gabbi-x-2 on June 12, 2005, at 15:50:13
I must confess that I came in from a long hot day at the office trying to catch up on work, and nearly gave Dr. Bob a great big cyberhug and sloppy cyberkiss for being on board at the right time so that I didn't have to wade into the fray. Although he then seems to have disappeared...
Posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 21:26:37
In reply to Re: PC I am so sorry you feel like this... » partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on June 12, 2005, at 20:45:19
...as easily as I hid my anxiety from you and others at the party. And migraine? What migraine. I was crosseyed with pain before I ran away from everyone.
I am absolutely naked with my emotions with my husband and am unable to pretend I haven't been crying all day.
Long story short is that I was already crying before I showed up here. Have had a crummy couple of days, weeks, months, years.
Posted by Dinah on June 12, 2005, at 23:12:09
In reply to I wear my distress in front of my husband » Dinah, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 21:26:37
I think it's wonderful to have that sort of relationship with your husband. You're a very lucky woman. That's the way life should be. Well, not necessarily covering well elsewhere, but being able to be emotionally naked with your spouse.
I have to cover from head to toe at home, and can only get emotionally naked in therapy, where it's safe. :(
Posted by Damos on June 12, 2005, at 23:25:58
In reply to Re: PC I am so sorry you feel like this... » Jai Narayan, posted by partlycloudy on June 12, 2005, at 19:34:52
Hey there pc,
Just dropped in to say G'day and that you've always got my support. Know it's not the same as a supportive partner, but I've never had one of those and pretty much given up hope of it, so caring about the 'special' people in my life is the best I can do, and I can always do beter at that.
(((((((((pc))))))))))
Posted by partlycloudy on June 13, 2005, at 5:23:32
In reply to Re: PC I am so sorry you feel like this... » partlycloudy, posted by Damos on June 12, 2005, at 23:25:58
You're so sweet, Damos. I appreciate your thoughts.
I do believe that there is someone for each of us, out there. As my husband says, "even a squirrel finds a nut once in a while" - er, a joke, I think.
:-) today is a better day
Posted by fallsfall on June 13, 2005, at 7:35:22
In reply to Re: PC I am so sorry you feel like this... » Damos, posted by partlycloudy on June 13, 2005, at 5:23:32
PartlyCloudy -
Please be good to yourself. Nurture yourself. Do something just because it will make you happy(er). Eat ice cream!
Or go sit by the water somewhere and watch the wildlife - you would be amazed at what is there if you watch long enough. At first glance you may see a couple of birds, but if you stay long enough you will see the birds that camoflage well, and fish, and turtles and lots of other things. You will see how the water moves, and how consistent it is. How the sun shines over the water, or how the rain makes designs in the water. Around here, there is human wildlife, too - they carry fishing poles. I always am amazed that the birds can decide what to do without all the analysis that I do. They sit for a while, walk around a little, fly from here to there, eat when they are hungry. Why do I agonize so much over decisions like those? It is quite simple for the birds.
Be good to yourself. You deserve it.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 13, 2005, at 7:51:52
In reply to Re: PC I am so sorry you feel like this... » partlycloudy, posted by fallsfall on June 13, 2005, at 7:35:22
We're lucky enough to have a communal dock at our condominium. I love to sit and watch the water, the birds, and once in a while we get a special treat and dolphins make their way through the waterway (that's when I feel that I've received a special gift). I even live in a neighbourhood called Paradise Island - cheesey, but so true. Keeping myself connected to nature's beauty and bounty is difficult when I have turned myself inwards like this; forcing myself out the front door seems like torture.
Thanks for reminding me, and I'll make I do it today.
pc
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