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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 0:23:01
ok,
so i went out my my boyfriend Sunday night to a bar for a few drinks to celebrate. up walks this girl who i have had a crush on since August. we went out to dinner in August, but it didn't go very well. she was exhausted and in a bad mood. i called her on some b*llsh*t she said and she broke down crying. so we parted ways and i hadn't seen her since.
but Sunday night she was very friendly. i asked if it would be all right if i called her and she asked me what has happening in the relationship w/ my boyfriend, implying that i need to choose.
i step-sided the question and said that i was just looking for friendship at the moment.
the truth is, while i love my boyfriend of a year and a half, there is a lot missing in our relationship. it is hard to put into words, but i mainly love him becuase i have grown used to him being there, not really love at all. he is such a part of my life, but i don't feel the same way about him that he does about me. i have tried like h*ll, but cannot.
would i be happier in a lesbian relationship--i don't know. i have never had one. i just want a better connection, a better meeting of the minds and souls in a life-long partner. i cannot find that with my boyfriend.
i cried all Sunday night and Monday morning thinking that i might have to break up with my boyfriend. i took 3 mg of Klonopin and that stopped the crying at least. i love him dearly, but like i said, i am not truely happy in this relationship. i could make it work, but do i really want to live like this?
Posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 0:49:06
In reply to difficult post--homophobics beware, posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 0:23:01
The first thing that strikes me is your last sentence, which was like an oxymoron. You said you could make it work, but do you really want to live like this? So how could you possibly make it work if the living is unbearable? You can't unless you're a wizard, are you? What are you talking about when you say "like this"?
Posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 1:24:32
In reply to Re: difficult post--homophobics beware, posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 0:49:06
the life with him is not dreadful, but nor is it totally fulfilling. i love him as much as i can love a guy. can i love a girl more--i have no idea. the thing that strikes me about this particular girl is that she can read me; she knows what is going through my head before i say a thing. i find that very attractive. we connect on a level that i have never been able to connect with a guy. my life with my boyfriend is comfortable and i love him very much as a human being. so much that to hurt him is unbearable. but the decision is partly already made--why else would i be crying for hours on end?
SM
Posted by fallsfall on February 15, 2005, at 7:24:21
In reply to difficult post--homophobics beware, posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 0:23:01
Smokey,
Please email me at babble fallsfalls - it is a hotmail account.
Posted by Broken on February 15, 2005, at 7:32:51
In reply to Re: difficult post--homophobics beware » Susan47, posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 1:24:32
Smokey,
I'm not great at commenting on relationships, as made obvious by an earlier post to Susan. But in that post, I mentioned that 10 years ago I was in a horrible marriage. I didn't say why it was horrible.
I was married for 9 years, to a very sweet lady. I was very young when we married, pre 20, hell, pre 19. Anyway, she was very good to me, she never did anything wrong, but it was absolute hell the last several years. I refused to cheat on her, and at the same time I didn't want to live with her. Oh, I loved her, and I still do. But it was more like, well, I can't explain it.Finally, I think the pressure of the situation drove me into a deep depression, and I had the luxury of checking into a local hospital, after I cut my wrists. When I was released, I was focused on making me a better person, and I couldn't do that being married to her. We spent day after day crying, most of the time in each others arms, but I struggled through, and she did too, and we were divorced. I met my current wife, and realized what marriage was supposed to be like. It was totally different that what I had before. Too bad it took a suicide attempt to make me realize that huh?
Yeah, you can make it work, but at what cost to you and your health? You can "settle" for less of a car than you want, you can even settle for less of a home than you want. You can't "settle" for less of a relationship than you want. Eventually it will get to you. Don't make yourself suffer through that. Regardless if that connection is with another man or woman, do not intentionally place yourself in a life long commitment that you think you can't honor before it even starts.I am no expert on realtionships, what worked for me doesn't work for everyone, and I know that. I'm just relaying a personal experience here.
P.S. My ex and I still talk, she is happily married now too, and we're both glad we did what we had to, to be happy.
Posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 9:40:09
In reply to Re: difficult post--homophobics beware » smokeymadison, posted by fallsfall on February 15, 2005, at 7:24:21
i am sorry, but i am not sure what you mean. please email me at kraneral@muohio.edu and let me know how to get a hold of you. thanks.
SM
Posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 9:54:21
In reply to Re: difficult post--homophobics beware » Susan47, posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 1:24:32
Your boyfriend will find someone else. Don't feel guilty about wanting someone else more, and don't agonize about a same-sex relationship. I know many women who have gone back and forth, tried both types of relationship at different times in their life. It's okay. I know what you mean about the connection. It's lovely to have that.
Posted by jujube on February 15, 2005, at 11:29:44
In reply to difficult post--homophobics beware, posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 0:23:01
FWIW I think you have to follow your heart. It is so easy to stay in a relationship that is *comfortable*, but at what cost? When we stay in such a situation, it is possible that eventually, resentment will set in, and we will find ourselves looking back on missed opportunities for true love with bitterness and regret. What was once a source of comfort in our lives becomes a source of anger and misery, stunting our emotional and spiritual growth.
I am no relationship expert that's for sure. All I know is that I stayed in a relationship long past the "expiry date" because I was comfortable and I loved him, but was not in love with him. When I finally left, I was a mess - not because I was afraid to pursue new relationships or to be alone, but because I felt guilty and kept thinking how my leaving would affect him and his happiness (how arrogant of me!). I don't regret having done it. We are both better people now.
What ever you decide to do, I wish you all the best and much happiness.
Tamara
Posted by jay on February 15, 2005, at 11:55:17
In reply to difficult post--homophobics beware, posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 0:23:01
> ok,
>
> so i went out my my boyfriend Sunday night to a bar for a few drinks to celebrate. up walks this girl who i have had a crush on since August. we went out to dinner in August, but it didn't go very well. she was exhausted and in a bad mood. i called her on some b*llsh*t she said and she broke down crying. so we parted ways and i hadn't seen her since.
>
> but Sunday night she was very friendly. i asked if it would be all right if i called her and she asked me what has happening in the relationship w/ my boyfriend, implying that i need to choose.
>
> i step-sided the question and said that i was just looking for friendship at the moment.
>
> the truth is, while i love my boyfriend of a year and a half, there is a lot missing in our relationship. it is hard to put into words, but i mainly love him becuase i have grown used to him being there, not really love at all. he is such a part of my life, but i don't feel the same way about him that he does about me. i have tried like h*ll, but cannot.
>
> would i be happier in a lesbian relationship--i don't know. i have never had one. i just want a better connection, a better meeting of the minds and souls in a life-long partner. i cannot find that with my boyfriend.
>
> i cried all Sunday night and Monday morning thinking that i might have to break up with my boyfriend. i took 3 mg of Klonopin and that stopped the crying at least. i love him dearly, but like i said, i am not truely happy in this relationship. i could make it work, but do i really want to live like this?
>
>Hi SM:
This is territory you *really* want to be sure of. I've seen many friends go through it, and the sad part is society still doesn't see bi-sexuality even on the same par as being homosexual or lesbian. I take it that is what you are, as you have been in love with a man and a woman, right? (I need to be correct...sorry if I am jumping to false assumptions...I also hate labels...but I guess we gotta use some)
How long has your relationship with this guy been like this...is it something that ebb's and flows? But, if your heart is *really* with this gal, then you may have some rough times to go over, but they will be done, and life goes on.
As long as it is not just infatuation, you gotta 'feel' like you are making the right choice.Take your time with it...leave it in your system to see how you feel over a bit more time. There is obviously no guarantee one or the other is *the* answer, but ultimately you have got to make a choice that you are happiest with.
Best wishes...Good luck..
Jay
Posted by sunny10 on February 15, 2005, at 12:28:25
In reply to Re: difficult post--homophobics beware » smokeymadison, posted by jay on February 15, 2005, at 11:55:17
sounds more like to me that you are not, indeed, "comfortable" with either of these two parties you mention.
IMO your posts says to me that you would not be entirely on a healthy emotional playing field with either of them.
It seems to me that the sex of that person doesn't matter to you; it's the soul of the person that matters. Find a person with a soul that is compatible with yours THEN let a relationship past friendship build.
And, then again, I could be full of sh*t...
just my 2 cents,
sunny10
Posted by Angielala on February 15, 2005, at 13:30:03
In reply to difficult post--homophobics beware, posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 0:23:01
***i called her on some b*llsh*t she said and she broke down crying. so we parted ways and i hadn't seen her since.***
What was the bs that you had to call her on? How did you two meet and what caused the break off?
Posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 14:32:49
In reply to Re: difficult post--homophobics beware, posted by Angielala on February 15, 2005, at 13:30:03
basically, she talked about how she tries to help people and she slipped and used the word "cases". she treats people she wants to help like projects and winds up exhausted and emotionally spent. she was trying to "help" me, but i told her that i would have to be an equal, not a "case". she was really tired tht day and she started crying and talking about how everybody wanted so much from her and how tired she was. now, we both intend to go into social work, and i admire her ability to really get to the core of a problem somebody has and spell it out for them. she has with me. i told her to take some time off and not try and meet new people for a while, including me. it was very hard for me to say it, because i was and am infatuated with her. but i went home and threw away her phone number and vowed not to contact her. that was 5 months ago.
but Sunday night she came up to me, not the other way around. and all the feelings i had 5 months ago came back even stronger. i have been told by a mutual friend that she is too busy to get into a relationship right now. this friend so far won't give me her phone number. so i am trying to prepare to be alone for a while--to leave my boyfriend and not to be with her. i think that she graduates and will move away this May anyway. but i think that i still need to end the relationship w/ my boyfriend. we can't move out of our apartment, but we can move into separate bedrooms. that is the plan so far.
SM
Posted by sunny10 on February 15, 2005, at 14:41:02
In reply to Re: mutual friend says she is too busy » Angielala, posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 14:32:49
Posted by Angielala on February 15, 2005, at 16:27:29
In reply to Re: mutual friend says she is too busy » Angielala, posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 14:32:49
So the last time the relationship may have been cut off too soon... so these feelings that came back stronger make total sense.
When you saw her last, you didn't exchange numbers?
The fact that you are thinking of breaking it off with the boyfriend, despite not being able to get in touch with her says a lot... it means that this meeting may have sparked you to realize that you maybe holding yourself back from a deeper relationship.
You are very strong to come to this conclusion- strong women are hard to come by- she'd be lucky to have you.
Posted by Angela2 on February 16, 2005, at 10:47:07
In reply to difficult post--homophobics beware, posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 0:23:01
Smokey,
I would have to ask you the same thing that jay did, how long have you been feeling like this? From your previous posts, it has always sounded like you really loved and were committed to your boyfriend. Of course I may be wrong, but this seems like a passing phase. Perhaps you could see this girl for a while as friends and see what happens with your feelings. That way, you won't put your relationship with your boyfriend in detriment. Give it some time. The answer will come.
Posted by TamaraJ on February 19, 2005, at 12:30:43
In reply to Re: mutual friend says she is too busy » Angielala, posted by smokeymadison on February 15, 2005, at 14:32:49
This is the end of the thread.
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