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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 9:47:56
In reply to Re: This Is Me ***TRIGGER*** » partlycloudy, posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 9:24:02
Good morning B2c,
Thanks for reading my long message. It felt good to air my dirty laundry, as they say! *smile*
Have a wonderful day!
Sandy
Posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 12:45:42
In reply to Re: This Is Me ***TRIGGER*** » ghost, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 9:45:28
last night i was mentally calculated how many pills i needed to take to overdose. death is always at my door it seems. i always think about it, but i don't always plan it out.
i don't know what's wrong with me... it' sno one magical thing that makes me depressed and no one thing that makes me manic, it's just that i'm depressed right now.
it's easier to concentrate on others than it is to concentrate on myself. and now that i'm back in with my parents, it's so hard to be myself... i'm hiding these inner feelings deep down and it's starting to tear me apart.
i liked how you told us what made you tick. what makes me tick? hm...
*i couldn't fight him off. i had no more fight left in me. i'd just told him it was over, that i was leaving him tomorrow. i just let him do what he needed to do.
*i couldn't figt him off, either. before i could try to get out the word "no" it was all over. i was too drunk. much too drunk.
*i know i saw a heart rhythm on the monitor. but my partner was too gung-ho with the defibrillator and whatever was there, he zapped away with that second shock. maybe i imagined the rhythm, but if he'd waited a second, i would have known for sure.
*i have nightmares. about things i can't control.
*no matter what i do, i always have to ask someone for help. i'll never be self-sufficient.
*i'm never thanked irl. i'm never acknowledged. i'm there when someone needs to talk, but when i need to talk, the room is emtpy. or people don't understand.
*i'm so very much in love with someone i can never have. it hurts every day. i just want someone i can have, but i could never give myself to someone when my heart belongs to someone else. i don't cry about him any more, but my heart aches every day.
...it felt good to get some of this out. thanks.(hugs)
ghost
Posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 12:46:28
In reply to ghost?? ***TRIGGER***, posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 9:25:04
i kind of posted a reply to sandy you can read... i'm not feeling too hot right now...
Posted by partlycloudy on July 16, 2004, at 17:49:15
In reply to This Is Me ***TRIGGER***, posted by SandyWeb on July 15, 2004, at 20:11:04
Sandy, I just want to say again how very happy I am to see you back on this board. You have so much to contribute and you know (smile) how supportive a place this is.
(((((SandyWeb)))))
Posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 19:26:14
In reply to Re: This Is Me ***TRIGGER*** » SandyWeb, posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 12:45:42
> *i'm never thanked irl. i'm never acknowledged. i'm there when someone needs to talk, but when i need to talk, the room is emtpy. or people don't understand.<
Oh Ghost, I wish I knew what to say. You are a sweetheart for responding to my post, and I'm more than happy to chat with you anytime you need an ear. You've been through some pretty rough experiences, and I feel for you that you have nightmares about lose of control.
I'm sorry that you were counting those pills last night. I've been there, and I'm still struggling with staying in this world. Some days are worse than others, huh? But we need to focus on the positives, right? Ugh...easier said than done!!! But I'm trying to learn, and maybe we can do this together.
Do you have a dream, Ghost? Is there anything that gives you hope?
Keep talking to us, Ghost. You have value!
((((Ghost))))
Sandy
Posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 20:22:30
In reply to Ghost, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 19:26:14
Thanks. Today (and yesterday) I just feel like giving up. I don't know why even. I just don't want to be here any more. I wish I didn't exist. You're right in that some days are worse than others, that's for sure. It's hard to focus on the positives when you can't find any.
I made a scrapbook of my trip tonight. It's not as nice as imagined... i wanted car stickers to put in it. i think car stickers would have made it really neat. I did find one car decal thing to put on the cover though, so I guess that does the job. I wish I could show you all and get your input. i did put lots of stars in it. i love stars.
is there anything that gives me hope? not really. the thought of me getting a real job is somewhat hopeful, in that i won't be struggling so much with money, although i worry that my manic inability to handle money will just put me in debt again, regardless of my annual income. but it does give me some hope that if i get this job (i'm SO close to it), i won't have to live paycheck to paycheck any more, and they'll even pay for me to relocate. and i'm hopeful that it'll be a good job where i can do good work. i'd be a technical writier and i love to write. i'd help submit drugs to the FDA for approval (i think), which would be cool because maybe one of those drugs will be the miracle cure that we all need... the anti-suicide pill.
as far as dreams go.. you know, the ones that are totally off the wall and pointless, i love photography. i don't always have the energy when i'm depressed, but when i'm depressed i like to look at the photos i've taken. (I even scanned a bunch in the other night.) but i love to take photos. i want a dark room in my house one day. when i have a house. that'd be so wonderful. i wonder if i'll ever make enough money to do something like that. one day i want to get a really nice digital camera, too. i like the instant gratification of digital, but i love the way the old manual cameras work... i'd love to do it for a living, even.
thanks for letting me ramble.((((((sandy)))))))
love,
ghost
Posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 21:43:13
In reply to Ghost, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 19:26:14
Thank you both for sharing your feelings...it has just helped me tremendously. I was just sitting here...at home, alone on a Friday night, hearing that old familiar voice in the back of my mind telling me that it would just be better to end it all. Despite my decision that, since my one attempt at suicide failed, I am supposed to live, I still keep having those thoughts. I can't seem to get them out of my head. Then I jumped on here to see what was going on and read your stories. It is strange logic, but I know from your stories that you are both of great value to this world. Knowing that and hearing your pain, reflecting exactly what I was just feeling, I think that *maybe*, just maybe, I still have something to offer this crazy world. I know it is odd logic, but it works--at least to get me through tonight anyway. Thanks for that.
The sick part of it is that I am alone by choice. My friend that I live with breezed into the apartment and asked what I want to do tonight, I told her that I need to study. So we ordered a pizza and ate, then she went to her boyfriends house so that I can study in peace. Then another friend called to see if I want to go see one of my favorite bands and I told him the same studying story. I just don't want to be around people right now. But when they go I feel so lonely that it makes me want to die. Does anybody else do this? It just dosen't make any sense.
Oh well, I guess I should at least try to get some studying done. Thanks for listening.
Hugs
Indie
Posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 21:58:44
In reply to Sandy and Ghost, posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 21:43:13
Do you want to know something?
I had planned to slit my wrist again next week. There was a certain day that I was going to do it on.
But now I am stunned by the responses to Ghost's and my stories.
Our stories had an impact upon others? There was value in us opening up our past pains?
I never expected the types of responses to my story. I am in awe of you all. You have made me very confused as to my worth. I really saw that my usefulness had come to an end. But your responses have touched me and have given me reason to pause.
I will have to consider this new feeling. I didn't expect my story to have an impact on anyone. I am confused now.
You are a wonderful group! YOU are of value!
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 22:28:06
In reply to I'm Confused Now, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 21:58:44
> Do you want to know something?
I want to know everything that you have to tell!
> I had planned to slit my wrist again next week. There was a certain day that I was going to do it on.
PLEASE!!! Please post, write, call, send smoke signals before you do that. If you just disappeared from the board one day I would live with an eerie feeling, wondering what happened to you and fearing the worst. Trust me...it is not the way to go. My father and three others that were close to me have successfully suicided and it is dreadful for the people around you! I know, sometimes I forget this or feel that it is unfair of them to love me when all I want to do is cease to exist. I even attempted recently. (For which I feel never-ending guilt) However, the thought of another beautiful human being doing it snaps me straight back to reality. It is not the way to go.
> Our stories had an impact upon others? There was value in us opening up our past pains?
Yes!! A great impact!! I was just walking around the apartment to see if there might be a good place to hang myself. After I read your stories, I sat down to reply and now I am going to pick up my studies again and work on them until I fall asleep. I will admit that I am a bit irritated right now that I have to go on living, but your stories reminded me that NO human being should die by their own hand. It reminded me that only a sick mind thinks this way and that it WILL pass. I know it is an uphill climb but it will pass.
> I never expected the types of responses to my story. I am in awe of you all. You have made me very confused as to my worth. I really saw that my usefulness had come to an end. But your responses have touched me and have given me reason to pause.
And your stories have given me a reason to pause, even a reason to stop thinking about it altogether. I guess that is why this place exists. I can show you your value when you can't see it through the fog in your brain and you can show me mine.
For the last several days I have been turning to this forum to hear all of the stories of people who have been in this darkest of places and come out the other side. It gives me hope. Why don't we support one another and let the others remind us that it will pass?? Pretty please!
((((((Sandy))))))
Posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 22:29:23
In reply to I'm Confused Now, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 21:58:44
i've grown so attached you you already. I'm glad you realised that what you say really does have an impact. (and I admit, I'm a little shocked that I had an impact, too, Indie.)
Sandy, I'm HAPPY you're confused, if it means you're questioning whether or not to carry out a plan. I certainly would miss you a great deal, because I've grown attached to you and if you went through with it, I don't want it to make me think that I can go through with it, too. If it's that easy for you, who am I to chicken out?
For once, confusion is a GOOD thing...
Love,
ghost
Posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 22:31:19
In reply to Sandy and Ghost, posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 21:43:13
i used to do that a lot, when i was in a position to have friends who'd call me. I think eventually a lot of them just stopped calling me, but when I could, I often turned them down just so I could be alone-- and yes, then I'd bitch moan and whine about being lonely. It was a vicious cycle. Or maybe th epeople I *wanted* to be around weren't the ones calling me. It's tough to say. It seems like I'm never happy no matter what.
I hope you got some studying done and were productive. I know what that was like... I'm only recently not a college student. Nothing like killing a Friday night studying!!!
hugs,
ghost
Posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 22:42:07
In reply to Re: I'm Confused Now » SandyWeb, posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 22:28:06
I have to go to bed now. It's a good place to try and clear my thoughts.
I'll get back to you tomorrow. Don't worry. Everything will be okay.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by B2chica on July 18, 2004, at 12:49:04
In reply to Sandy, posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 20:22:30
>>I wish I didn't exist.
-i am So glad that you do.
>>i did put lots of stars in it. i love stars.
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********************************i tried to put in other kinds of stars but it wouldn't let me :( sorry.
here are LOTS of hugs sweetheart. PULEEZE hang in there.
((((((((((ghost))))))))))
Posted by B2chica on July 18, 2004, at 13:06:29
In reply to Sandy and Ghost, posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 21:43:13
>>The sick part of it is that I am alone by choice.
Honey, you are sooooooo not alone in this. i am Terrible at doing this. I constantly push people who care away from me. Sometimes i can't stand being around anyone but then i just ruminate on being depressed and alone and the blame game starts to kick in.
Please know that isolation is Part of Depression. this is not you choosing to do this to yourself. it's Sooooo difficult to not get caught up in this. first you isolate, then you blame self for isolation, then you ruminate on all the "hurt you've cause yourself..." this is all the depression talking. It's easy for me to say right now cuz i'm not completely down that path. but when you are there you can't even sometimes see that as anything near the truth. and even though you don't really know me Please TRUST me on this. this is depression NOT you. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF for anything.!!! got it?!i am sorry you are feeling this down. please remember we're here for you. That's one thing i do like about babble. even though when i isolate, i can come here cuz the interaction is all in my control. i can choose Not to read, or Not to post and i can shut down the computer anytime i want or need to. Just remember that we ARE here if you need us, we're just a couple clicks away! Please take care of yourself.
hugs.
((((((((((Indie))))))))))B2c.
Posted by Indie on July 18, 2004, at 14:04:10
In reply to Re: I'm Confused Now, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 22:42:07
Sandy??
Are you well? Are you feeling a bit better? I am. I just worked out and made blueberry muffins. I am going to try and get some studying done now.
I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
((((((Sandy)))))
Posted by Indie on July 18, 2004, at 14:07:45
In reply to Re: (((Indie))), posted by B2chica on July 18, 2004, at 13:06:29
Thanks for the hugs. I need all that I can get!!
I am doing better, I am fighting it. I went out with some friends last night and have worked out yesterday and today. Can't decide whether to study or go to a movie today. At any rate I am trying my best to stop wasting time just feeling bad and do what I need to do to get better.
Hugs.
> >>The sick part of it is that I am alone by choice.
>
> Honey, you are sooooooo not alone in this. i am Terrible at doing this. I constantly push people who care away from me. Sometimes i can't stand being around anyone but then i just ruminate on being depressed and alone and the blame game starts to kick in.
> Please know that isolation is Part of Depression. this is not you choosing to do this to yourself. it's Sooooo difficult to not get caught up in this. first you isolate, then you blame self for isolation, then you ruminate on all the "hurt you've cause yourself..." this is all the depression talking. It's easy for me to say right now cuz i'm not completely down that path. but when you are there you can't even sometimes see that as anything near the truth. and even though you don't really know me Please TRUST me on this. this is depression NOT you. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF for anything.!!! got it?!
>
> i am sorry you are feeling this down. please remember we're here for you. That's one thing i do like about babble. even though when i isolate, i can come here cuz the interaction is all in my control. i can choose Not to read, or Not to post and i can shut down the computer anytime i want or need to. Just remember that we ARE here if you need us, we're just a couple clicks away! Please take care of yourself.
> hugs.
> ((((((((((Indie))))))))))
>
> B2c.
>
>
>
>
Posted by B2chica on July 18, 2004, at 15:01:15
In reply to Re: (((Indie))), posted by Indie on July 18, 2004, at 14:07:45
>>I am doing better, I am fighting it.
Good for you girl! stay strong!
>>I went out with some friends last night and have worked out yesterday and today. Can't decide whether to study or go to a movie today.
seriously??? Honey, honey, HONEY! a MOVIE...Absolutely! it is an MUST! -keep in mind you are talking to QUEEN procrastinator. ;^)
>>At any rate I am trying my best to stop wasting time just feeling bad and do what I need to do to get better.
wow, do you have any idea how far ahead this puts you? this is a Great Step!! you recognize the depression and have some plans to get better or at least to get you through it. this is GREAT.
oh, and did you say you like hugs????
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((INDIE))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
-take care!
B2c.
Posted by ghost on July 18, 2004, at 21:56:30
In reply to Re: ****ghost**** » ghost, posted by B2chica on July 18, 2004, at 12:49:04
thank you. i love stars. i miss talking to you.
i'm hanging in there. i think there's still fight left in me. it's buried. but it's there.
((((((((((((((B2c)))))))))))))
love,
ghost
Posted by B2chica on July 19, 2004, at 9:50:07
In reply to i love you, B2c. » B2chica, posted by ghost on July 18, 2004, at 21:56:30
miss talking with you too chica.
and don't worry if your fight is weak. i'm strong today so i've got your back. I'll hold you up, with one hand even, so i've got the other free to chase off our demons. and don't worry, i inherited a Great (mean) "mama-look" so i don't even need to use hands!
consider me a giant shield holding you together this week ok? OK!
take care honey. be good to yourself. find a cupcake with star sprinkles on it and enjoy!
and REMEMBER- no matter who you are around or living with or whatever, this week while you are vulnerable their WORDS WILL NOT HURT YOU!!! they bouce off you like a basket ball with too much air in it! Remember i am around you, they don't have a chance ok? For every negative thought or word this week i will be telling you two positive ones!
take care sweet one.B2c.
Posted by ghost on July 19, 2004, at 10:04:36
In reply to Re: back atcha ((((ghost)))) » ghost, posted by B2chica on July 19, 2004, at 9:50:07
awwwww i just wanna crawl into your lap and forget the world exists.
thanks.
i tried to file for unemployment today, and some other assistance. basically because i'm a white girl with no kids, i'm entitled to precisely jack (poop). and all the processing takes time. i don't know what i'll do, come the end of the month when i have a bill i can't skip to be paid.
i just feel like the "sane" world is against me today.
thanks for the strength, though... it's much appreciated....
ghost
Posted by B2chica on July 19, 2004, at 11:53:52
In reply to (((((B2c))))) » B2chica, posted by ghost on July 19, 2004, at 10:04:36
> awwwww i just wanna crawl into your lap and forget the world exists.
-so what's stopping you???
i got my really comfy jeans on-tennies-to chase the "bad's" off, and a gap t (their the MOST soft and comfy t's ever) and a soft fluffy zip sweater (cuz it's always cold in my lab).
so hop on honey. i'll throw my blanky over you like a giant shield where NO ONE can mess with Ghost!
>>i'm entitled to precisely jack (poop). and all the processing takes time. i don't know what i'll do, come the end of the month...-stop right there! right now you should be in crisis mode. i know most wouldn't say this but i am, Don't think about the end of the month right now. it's enough for us to just get through each day sometimes. You have my permission till July 26th NOT to think of ANY end of the month worries OK?
-worring NEVER solves any problems so don't do it.
>>i just feel like the "sane" world is against me today."sane"????? what world are you visiting today sweetness? it's a crazed rat race out there-stay away, stay far, far, away 8^)
sometimes i think us with affective disorders are more into reality than ANY others!
Just take care of yourself, no worries for the rest of this week ok? OK!b2c.
Posted by ghost on July 19, 2004, at 12:06:03
In reply to Re: ghost, listen up! » ghost, posted by B2chica on July 19, 2004, at 11:53:52
it's funny how clothes can make or break a day. so i'm wearing my zippery black pants that i love and a comfy black tshirt with a kitty head on it and a hoodie (because my parents are firm believers that air conditioning is only worth it when you can see your breath). comfy clothes are best when you feel like (poop).
i didn't know you worked in a lab. what do you do?
you're right in that i'm a big worrywart. i'm trying to be "responsible." although i think i have the one bill i'm worried about pieced together from a few different little checks i'm getting. (ebay, my old checking acct, few bucks on hand), so i think it's okay... for now. i just have to figure out how to get those things cashed and whatnot, but... I'm on vacation from worrying until July 26. As per B2c. so i'll think about it later.
i was thinking of going to the library to check out some books. i wanted to read "an unquiet mind." i hope they have it. i'll have to work my way up to leaving the house though.
Posted by B2chica on July 19, 2004, at 12:42:36
In reply to (((b2c))) » B2chica, posted by ghost on July 19, 2004, at 12:06:03
I'm a STRONG believer in comfy clothes. infact my boss knows he needs to notify me if "special people" are coming so that i can be presentable (my words not his). but i usually dress for comfort Not fancy. Although i enjoy feeling dressed up (and that's slacks not a dress...insert long story here...)
>>i didn't know you worked in a lab. what do you do?
cuz i'm a bit of a paranoid freak i'm not going to get into detail, but i work in research and work with people with disabilities. "my" labs (not realy mine but i oversee students and practicing clinicians)consist of two in this building and one in a medical center and one in a rehab facility. my title is research technology specialist-but my boss refers to me as a research coordinator...not sure what the diff is but...
I mainly oversee the research projects. I start them so i get hands on feel, then train students or clinicians to continue data gathering. (i love the field research). i'm a connection between the clinicians and the engineers on new equipment (meaning i get the fun part of playing and breaking new edge ideas and report to the engineer of breaks or things i think would work better, and then also report to my boss, a clinician and say if i think it's feesable or such stuff for said research project). i also get to be on the lookout for new software that's out there for other stuff that maybe we can use either in our research or in practicing settings.
It's really fun.
But it also really makes me sad when i can't function to my expected level, i just think of our clientelle and am sad that i'm letting them down.BUT TODAY i am strong. i am myself and am enjoying it! and i know that i can only do what i can.
oh, did i mention i edit digital video? i LOVE That part of my job best. i've always wanted to be a professional photographer, well, this is pretty close. and i LOVE working with FinalCutPro (editing software!) it ROCKS!ok, well i think i'm gonna be late-i've got to drive across town to the other site right now.
talk to you tomorrow Ghost!
Take GOOD care of yourself.Keep in the comfies and NO WORRIES!
**and you MUST read an unquiet mind i thought it was Excellent!
enjoy.LOL (lots of love)
B2c.
B2c.
Posted by ghost on July 19, 2004, at 14:12:30
In reply to Re: (((b2c))), posted by B2chica on July 19, 2004, at 12:42:36
it sounds like you have a great job-- i love research, too. i didn't know we were both sciency nerds. that's awesome :)
*big hugs*
ghost
Posted by Indie on July 19, 2004, at 19:38:43
In reply to (((b2c))) » B2chica, posted by ghost on July 19, 2004, at 12:06:03
"An Unquiet Mind" is an excellent book!! It should be required reading for anybody with mood disorders. She also wrote a book called "Touched with Fire". It will remind you of all of the amazing people who have been affected by these crazy "illnesses" that we all endure.
Enjoy.
Indie
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