![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 205 to 229 of 233. Go back in thread:
Posted by geri122 on June 25, 2004, at 11:08:43
In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by tterees on June 9, 2004, at 21:53:54
I have a problem... this time it is not with my family.. but guy issues. You know a simple everyday teenage girl thing.
For the past 6 months or so i have been talking to this guy. We are just friends but we care about each other deeply. He graduated this year and will be going off to school in August.... far from here. He asked me out and i told him no. I don't know why. I know that at anytime i change my mind we would be together but i don't know what is stopping me. Is it the college thing... the fact that i care about him so much i don't want to get hurt or hurt him... or is it the fact that he is not white. I mean im not racist, far from it. I have acually had relations with those of another color. but some did not like that. My parents... those in the community. They don't appreciate it. which is understandable but why am i allowing that to make my decisions. I don't know... but the problem is he broke up with his girl for me and i won't even give him a chance. He is lonley and needs someone. His grandfather just died and he needs me more then anything and i can;t be there for him. I don't know what to do. i feel hurt because i am hurting him. i can't deal with that because i don't want to trigger another break down!
Posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 11:30:41
In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by geri122 on June 25, 2004, at 11:08:43
Hi sweetie, it's good to hear from you! You do have a dilemna. My first reaction was - you're right, don't get involved, he's leaving in a couple of months and the separation will hurt, plus all the complications of a long distance relationship, etc. It would be hard for me to just "be friends" for a couple of months or to keep it casual enough that it wouldn't hurt when he left.
You are such a nurturing, kind person who wants to do the right thing and that's commendable :-). Hurting others is never easy. But, you have to look longer-term and decide what is best. The easy thing to do right now is to give in and have a relationship with him. The hard thing is to say no because of any pain you might feel in the future, after he leaves.
Or, the other alternative is that maybe you two can handle a long-distance relationship and it might work out okay. It's something the 2 of you should discuss.
The race thing is hard and it's completely understandable that it would play into your decision. It's a real consideration in our culture, no matter how un-prejudiced you are personally. There are consequences of ostracization and negative comments for inter-racial couples unfortunately. I think SFMom would have something to say on this matter that would be more informed than my thoughts, though. I hope she responds!
Yes, you have been in a weakened emotional state in the past year and yes you may get yourself in a way emotionally that you could lose it over this. But, maybe this situation was given to you to prove how strong you can be. That you will work through the issues one way or another and be okay with your decision because you know whatever you decide is the best thing for the both of you.
I hope this helps somewhat! Let us know what you decide.
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by sfmom on June 25, 2004, at 12:40:00
In reply to Re: Baby Steps » geri122, posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 11:30:41
Geri, I'm so glad to hear from you--I've missed you. In spite of the difficult situation you're in, I am really glad that you have found someone that you trust and feel comfortable with. I hope you will remain friends with this guy even if a romantic relationship doesn't work out.
But you are in a tough situation. I completely understand not wanting to put your heart on the line and risk getting hurt or left behind. I also really admire your self control, it's never been a strong suit of mine!
As far as the race issue, I know there are still a lot of people who are uncomfortable with interracial relationships. I'm white and my husband is black (and our daughter is light brown). And even in a big city like San Francisco we've encountered stupid people. It's a decision you have to make for yourself but I'd ask you to keep in mind that the reason that most people are uncomfortable is that it's not something they are used to seeing around them. So, the more examples of normal people in normal relationships that just happen to be of different races (or same sex, etc.) that people are exposed to, the more people will realize that it's just not a big deal and that we're all human and that any time people come together in love and friendship, it's a good thing. So, that's my little spiel on the subject. But like I said, it's a personal decision.
I guess your situation pretty much boils down to whether a couple of months of happiness with this guy will be worth the pain of having him leave for college in the fall. It might and it might not be worth it and you also have to decide if you think you would be able to handle it if you fall in love and he still leaves. If something like that would put you over the edge, then it might not be worth it to take the chance. BUT, if we don’t risk hurt, how would we ever fall in love and get all the wonderful things that come with it? The circumstances may differ, but this will be a decision you will be confronted with your whole life.
Whatever you decide to do, we’ll support you 100%. Please let us know a little more about this guy too! Write again soon!
Lyssa (about to no longer be SF mom because we bought a house and are moving to the suburbs! What should I change my screen name to?)
Posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 12:53:57
In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by sfmom on June 25, 2004, at 12:40:00
Hi Lyssa - I knew you'd have some good advice!! I'm glad to hear you're moving, it seems like it was something you'd been looking into for some time. Why not just use your daughter's name? You'll always be her mom wherever you live :-).
Take care!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by geri122 on June 25, 2004, at 16:24:24
In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by sfmom on June 25, 2004, at 12:40:00
thanks i shall take all of the comments into consideration. Concerning the racial aspect... i go to a school were the majority are black.. we see it everyday. In my school it's not really the color thing it is the who thing. You see, i'm a cheerleader... they don't expect me to date out of my color. I can be friends with them and i do do that... but the last time it didn't go well. I know that i should not care about what people have to saw, but i have to live with it everyday... he will escape while he is in school but then what might happen down there??
Posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 16:39:19
In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by geri122 on June 25, 2004, at 16:24:24
Geri - I know you'll make the right choice. You are a strong person and I know you'll be able to handle the outcome of whatever you decide to do!
I think a lot of it is going to depend on how strong your feelings are for the guy. Weigh the pros and cons and then follow your gut. Be kind, gentle and loving, but do not take complete responsibility for his feelings if your answer is no. If you decide yes, go for it with all your heart & don't look back!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>thanks i shall take all of the comments into consideration. Concerning the racial aspect... i go to a school were the majority are black.. we see it everyday. In my school it's not really the color thing it is the who thing. You see, i'm a cheerleader... they don't expect me to date out of my color. I can be friends with them and i do do that... but the last time it didn't go well. I know that i should not care about what people have to saw, but i have to live with it everyday... he will escape while he is in school but then what might happen down there??
Posted by geri122 on June 25, 2004, at 16:50:54
In reply to Re: Baby Steps » geri122, posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 16:39:19
thanks... guess it looks like i have to really think about it. Means a lot to know someone cares.. thanks
Posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 16:55:09
In reply to Re: Baby Steps, posted by geri122 on June 25, 2004, at 16:50:54
Posted by geri122 on June 28, 2004, at 19:08:11
In reply to Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-) (nm) » geri122, posted by LynneDa on June 25, 2004, at 16:55:09
i'm sitting here right now fighting the urge to cut myself. If anyone is on... what do i do?
Posted by fallsfall on June 28, 2004, at 19:42:19
In reply to Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-), posted by geri122 on June 28, 2004, at 19:08:11
Geri?
Are you there? Do you want to come to Open to talk? There is a link at the bottom of the page that will take you to our chat room.
I hope you are holding on. I'm so glad you are asking for help.
Falls.
Posted by sfmom on June 28, 2004, at 20:24:53
In reply to Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-), posted by geri122 on June 28, 2004, at 19:08:11
Geri, are you still there? Did you get in touch with Falls? I'm leaving work right now and will check in as soon as I get home. Hang in there. We are all supporting you and sending you love and strength!
Posted by sfmom on June 28, 2004, at 23:24:07
In reply to Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-) » geri122, posted by fallsfall on June 28, 2004, at 19:42:19
Hi Geri. Just wanted to see if you're on. It's almost 9:30 in California. I'll check in again before I go to bed. I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. If you want to talk online or if you want to call me, I'm here for you. I'll check in again later.
Love, Lyssa
P.S. to Fallsfall: I didn't see a link to "Open" on my screen so I don't know if Geri was able to see it. Can you tell us how to get there? Thanks.
Posted by fallsfall on June 29, 2004, at 7:44:03
In reply to Re: YOU ARE WELCOME :-) » fallsfall, posted by sfmom on June 28, 2004, at 23:24:07
Geri - how are you doing? If you can put something in your subject line (like "Help!" or like the subject I put in this post), then Babblers who haven't been following this particular thread will read it, too. Please let us know how you are doing.
But, as always, IF YOU ARE IN DANGER, PLEASE find real-live-local help: Talk to your mom or your friend or call a crisis hotline listed in your phonebook or call your therapist (do you have a therapist yet, Geri?) or call a hospital emergency room or call 911.
I started a thread on the Babble Administration board asking for someone to write or find a How-To for Open. Click on this link to see if we've made progress yet: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20040527/msgs/361585.html
The short answer is that in the section (at the top and bottom of the lists of posts) that has links to all of the different Babble boards, there is a link called "Psycho-Babble Open". This brings you to a Yahoo! Chat Group where Babblers sometimes hang out and chat. The most active times seem to be 10PM EDT -> whenever people go to sleep (though you can often find one or two people there from 7 or 8PM EDT on). Sometimes there are only a couple of people, sometimes there are 10-12. At other times during the day there may or may not be people in Open.
If a Babbler is having a crisis, those of us who frequent Open can often find others who are online to help. If noone is there and you need help, you can start a new thread on the social board with a subject like "I need help - can someone come to Open?". I once asked a small group of people to meet me in Open in the middle of the day when I was having a crisis - they were wonderful and helped me through my crisis.
Realtime support can be really valuable.
Falls.
My hotmail account is Babble Fallsfall.
Posted by LynneDa on June 29, 2004, at 9:14:18
In reply to What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by fallsfall on June 29, 2004, at 7:44:03
Geri - Please let us know if you are okay!! I don't get my email at home so didn't see your note. You're going to get through this. Is it about your decision with the guy? Pressure does build up, but you can find other ways to release it sweetie. Please email one of us or call me: 1-800-222-8215 x9507.
~ Lynne
Posted by sfmom on June 29, 2004, at 10:57:32
In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut? » fallsfall, posted by LynneDa on June 29, 2004, at 9:14:18
Hi Geri. I just wanted to let you know that I'm here and will check in throughout the day. It would be cool to try that "open" talk room. I've never done that before, although with my dial-up modem it may take a while to have a conversation!
Posted by gardenergirl on June 29, 2004, at 11:13:12
In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by sfmom on June 29, 2004, at 10:57:32
Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I chat pretty easily with a dial up connection. The only difference I notice is when yahoo boots me (and if you chat, you WILL get booted unfortunatetly...toss some salt over your shoulder, spit, and curse the yahoo gods...) it takes me longer to get back in than the DSL people. But it's not too bad.
gg
Posted by Mrs. C on June 29, 2004, at 23:42:54
In reply to What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by fallsfall on June 29, 2004, at 7:44:03
What a great idea. I don't follow your thread but your title got me to read. I hope that everything is okay with everyone and I will be praying for us all. Mrs. C
Posted by fallsfall on July 1, 2004, at 8:40:20
In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by Mrs. C on June 29, 2004, at 23:42:54
How are you doing? Are you still feeling like you want to cut? I'm so glad that you posted here the other day looking for help.
It sounds weird, but one of the best things to try when you want to SI (Self-injure) is distraction. I have found (with myself) that the intense urges sort of come and go. If I can keep from SIing during the most intense times, those times can pass and get me to more managable times. Also, sometimes the distraction reminds me of some part of life that is more positive for me.
So, how do you distract yourself? There are many, many ways! You can choose whatever way works for you. Here are some of my favorites:
1. Watch a movie (for me it needs to be a movie I haven't seen)
2. Read (anything, novels are good, or I read Psychology non-fiction (I think it makes me think that I'm doing something "constructive" towards solving my problems, even when I'm simply reading the words one at a time and not comprehending anything that is being said), it doesn't matter what you choose as long as it engages your mind a little
3. Talk to a friend. Sometimes it helps to talk about what is bothering you. Other times it is better NOT to talk about it - your friend can help you think of other things
4. Read Babble
5. Play computer games (There are a variety of different games that I play, some require thought and some are completely mechanical. Different games work better on different days)
6. Try to help someone else (no, I'm not wanting to SI right now, but I *am* avoiding thinking about something that is distressing to me) - worry about *their* problems instead of your own
7. Exercise (I find that walking the dogs gives me too much time to think and that is a bad thing. My walkman with a book on tape works here, though). Exercise raises the endorphins (happy things) in your brain.It can also help to "soothe" yourself, people also call this "taking care of" yourself. There is a whole book on this subject (which I heartily recommend): "The Woman's Comfort Book". Soothing is very individual, here are some of the things that I use and that seem popular with others I have talked to:
8. Eat ice cream (some people eat Cream of Wheat!?!). Add hot fudge during particularly bad times.
9. Swing on swings (the kind in the park with the very long chains are the best, or one with ropes hanging from a tree)
10. Color with crayons (they smell wonderful - buy a new box for the hardest times, there is something magical about the smell of crayons). Either draw a picture (no one has to ever see it, it doesn't have to be "good" - it is just for you), or color in a coloring book (my daughter gave me a big one with Teddy Bear pictures), or I like to draw random geometric shapes of all different colors (even though the shapes are random it helps me to feel like there is some order in the world, that I have some *control* over the chaos. Playing with Legos (or similar freeform construction toys) help me the same way).
11. Blow bubbles, if you do this with a child or a dog then it counts as distraction, too.
12. Play solitaire with real cards (i.e. not on the computer - shuffling cards is soothing to me) - find an easy game that you can actually win. I play a game where I flip the cards 3 at a time, when I have no more moves, then I flip them 1 at a time, when I still have no moves, if there is an empty space, I can take a card that is face down in one of the piles and put it in that space. I call this "legal cheating" - basically I have created my own version of the game that I can win almost 100% of the time, but I also have hands where I do "really well". The regular 7 pile solitaire (is it canfield?) is too hard to win to be "soothing" for me.
13. Lot of people like warm baths, often with candles around (others find baths boring, or that they provide too much time to think)
14. Music - some like it loud, some like it hypnotizing, some like words, others like instrumentals, some like to listen, others like to play the music or sing along. I choose different music depending on my mood.Other things that may help:
15. Journal. Sometimes this lets me "stick" my feelings on the paper, so they don't have to stay in my head. Sometimes I want to show the journalling to other people, sometimes it is just for me. There are times when journalling can make things worse - at those times the more you think about the thing that is bothering you the more upset you get (so don't journal if it is making you more upset).
16. Put a rubber band around your wrist and "snap" the rubber band onto your wrist - causes a sting, but no lasting damage.
17. Hold an ice cube on your body where you want to cut - again, it produces a smaller amount of "safe" pain (!?)
18. If you are very tired, take a nap (but don't lie down if that will just give you an easier place to ruminate).Geri,
Comforting and distracting yourself are very individual things. These are some things that work for me, or that I've seen have worked for other people. The idea is that you are supposed to feel (a little) better while you are doing these things and afterwards. You'll have to experiment and see what works best for you. I hope that you don't get to this point, but there have been days when my entire day has been occupied by distracting or soothing myself - and that is OK if that is what you need to do.These things get you through the immediate crisis, but you also really need to do something that will *solve* the problem (as much as it can be solved...). That is where therapy comes in. My 16 year old daughter started therapy on Tuesday - she really didn't want to go. It seemed to go OK (I was in the waiting room, of course), and I'm hoping that it will help her to be happier.
Let us know how you are doing!
Posted by geri122 on July 1, 2004, at 12:54:28
In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by Mrs. C on June 29, 2004, at 23:42:54
fortunatly i got through the urges. I walked around and thought about life. the reason for my urge was because my parents were fighting... and i have to say goodbye to the only real trustworthy friend for a month. We are both going away and we won't see each other for a month. It hurts so bad because i don't feel like i really have anyone. I wanted to cut to make my emotional pain feel less... Needless to say.. i am ok at this point. i am cut free. I just needed to post to get out Thanks for the response
Posted by LynneDa on July 1, 2004, at 13:06:27
In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by geri122 on July 1, 2004, at 12:54:28
Geri - Thanks for writing!! I'm glad to know you're okay. You should feel really good about the fact you got through it without hurting yourself. Remember how you did it and do the same thing next time :-). I know it's very painful to hear your parents fighting. You have to remember that it's not your fault they don't get along, no matter what the topic of the fight is. Can you get out of the house when they do it?
I hope you are able to connect with someone this summer. Is it a camp you're going to? (I'm on vacation the next week or so.) Take care sweetie!
Posted by geri122 on July 1, 2004, at 13:10:07
In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut? » geri122, posted by LynneDa on July 1, 2004, at 13:06:27
i am going away to a college to take some college courses to further my education!
Posted by LynneDa on July 1, 2004, at 13:21:10
In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by geri122 on July 1, 2004, at 13:10:07
That sounds great! You will undoubtedly meet some very interesting people. College really opens your mind as well as your social life! As for your friend, there's always email, right?!?!?
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i am going away to a college to take some college courses to further my education!
Posted by Mrs. C on July 1, 2004, at 22:16:21
In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by geri122 on July 1, 2004, at 12:54:28
Good girl, keep strong. I am proud of you for realizing why you felt those urges. That is the first step to controlling them. We all feel lonely and sad at times in our lives, it's totally normal. Just think about the big picture and realize that it will pass. Mrs. C
Posted by geri122 on July 9, 2004, at 10:19:20
In reply to Re: What should she do if she wants to cut?, posted by Mrs. C on July 1, 2004, at 22:16:21
I want to get out of my house. I can't live here anymore. I have a place to go, but since i am not 18 i really can't. I want to live my life, i want to live a healthy life, and i am just not doing that here. I am leaving for three weeks on Sunday.. when i get back i need to make that desicion. Is there a way i can get out?
Posted by fallsfall on July 9, 2004, at 12:08:00
In reply to How do i get out?, posted by geri122 on July 9, 2004, at 10:19:20
Oh, Geri,
I'm so sorry that you are in such pain that you want to leave your home. I do understand feeling like you need to leave in order to live a healthy life - This is how I felt when I decided that I needed to separate from my husband. It seemed that not only would he not let me grow in the direction that I felt I had to grow, but that he was actively working against my growing. I guess that your situation is a little different because, as a child, you are expected at some point to leave home - that is a goal that you and your parents share. Your issue is with the timing of reaching that goal.
I'm glad that you have a place where you can go. I would be very scared to think that you might just "run away" without anywhere to run *to*. Let the knowledge that you DO have a place to go give you comfort and support and strength while you work through figuring out exactly what is best for you.
I have a 16 year old daughter, and when I read your post I thought about how I would react as a parent if she were to tell me that she wanted to move out.
My first question would be if we had talked about the issues that were prompting her to want to go. There are different degrees of "talking about". At one end, perhaps she would have her reasons, but I might not even know in general what those reasons were. At the other end, we could have talked about them openly enough so that she was sure that I understood her reasons, and I was sure that she understood why the situation existed the way that it did and/or my reasons to want her to stay. I'm not exactly sure where you are on this continuum with your parents. My guess is that you aren't at either extreme. Maybe you mom has an idea of what things are causing you pain, but she may not quite understand why they are causing you so MUCH pain. Maybe you have ideas of why things are as they are (i.e. your dad has a particular personality), but you may not have really explored if there are any compromises that can be made to make things better. You and your parents need to figure out where you are on this continuum.
The second thing I would want to do would be to put in a LARGE effort to clarify these issues - from both sides. I would want to know that I had done everything I could to truly listen to my daughter and try to understand why she was feeling the way she was. It is quite possible that I never really *could* understand well enough, but I would certainly want to know that I had tried my very hardest. I would also want to know that I had had a good chance to explain my views to her, and that she had seriously tried to listen and understand me. Again, sometimes it isn't possible to get to the level of understanding that you are wanting, but I would at least want to know that I had *tried my best*.
Third, I would want my daughter to talk to a therapist. Either alone, or in family therapy. I would probably let her pick which she would prefer (and she would say that she didn't want either, but this is one thing I would insist on). This step would let me know that some person who has (supposedly) knowledge of the way the world works, and how kids work, and how families work had looked at this problem. I would want the therapist to help identify what *he/she* thought would be best for my daughter (not best for me), and I would want to know that both I and my daughter had given the therapist a really good chance to help us understand the pros and cons and what other options we might have. The decision would be my daughter's and mine - not the therapist's - but I would want to have that unbiased viewpoint to consider.
I believe that there are *some* times when a teen would do best not to be living with their parents. I know that you have had a lot of pain in the last year, and that you haven't felt like your parents have helped to alleviate that pain. If both you AND your parents have truly done everything that all of you are capable of doing to try to resolve the issues, then maybe you are one of those kids who should live somewhere else even before you graduate from high school. This is a very important question, and that is why I would encourage you and your parents to try as hard as you can to be open and honest with each other.
I guess that my greatest fear would be that my daughter would have reasons that she either couldn't or wouldn't tell me. Or that I would have reasons that I couldn't or wouldn't tell her. And that we wouldn't be able to come to an agreement on what would be best for her - in large part because we weren't understanding the problem well enough. With hard problems you have a much better chance of solving the problem if you really understand all of the aspects of the problem. I would hate to be in the position where a solution to a problem between my daughter and me *did exist*, but that we didn't find that solution because we didn't understand all of the problem.
So, I would hope that you could sit down with your parents and tell them exactly how unhappy you are and what things you think contribute to this. And I would hope that you would truly listen to their feelings about the situation. And that the three of you would try to come up with a solution that was a compromise that could solve the major issues for each of you. None of you will get exactly what you want. If it was that easy, it would have already happened. Each of you will need to accept that you will need to give up some of what you want in order to get get other parts of what you want.
There is one other thing that would make a big difference to me as a parent, and that would be the details of where my daughter wanted to go instead of living at home. I would feel very differently about having her live at a friend's house where I trusted the parents, or with an aunt/uncle or sister/brother, and we agreed on basic values, than I would about her pitching a tent in a campground. You seem like the kind of kid who would not propose pitching a tent in a campground (although I will tell you that I seriously considered living in a tent in a campground for the 6 warm months when I was in college. I eventually decided that this wasn't really the best plan I could come up with, and didn't propose it to my parents). How much your proposed "new home" could provide for your safety, happiness, and education (I would be more concerned about "life education" than school education) would have a big impact on how I would think that your parents would react.
You need to let your parents know how serious you are about this. Whether you stay or go, the three of you really need to have this discussion. And I really, really, really think that talking to a therapist would really help everybody to see the situation more clearly. You might decide not to see the therapist very many times (I would probably suggest that you plan on at least 4 session), or you might decide that they could be really helpful to you and/or your parents and you could decide to see them for a long time. I really think that the situation with your parents has gotten to a point where an outside perspective could be really important.
It is so hard to talk about these things, and many times it is even harder to listen. But this course of action that you are contemplating is a very, very significant one. Both you and your parents will feel better about the final outcome (regardless of which way it goes) if you know that you really tried to understand each other.
Good luck.
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.