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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littlep24 on June 16, 2004, at 5:59:55
I don't know where to go from here. I have totally lost feelings for my husband, who has been through my depression with me for 10 years. I look at him and I feel nothing but ashamed that I can not give back to him what he tries to give to me. Over the years there has definately been some emotional abuse, when he gets frustrated he has said some very hurtful things like the kids aren't learning anything due to your inabilities and I go off crying. He apologizes and life goes on in a vicious cycle. I am so confused if due to my depression I am not letting him in or if due to his frustration I can no longer take the pain he inflicts on me plus my own. I agree that living with a person with deep depression is not easy, hell I hate living with myself. It seems as like our life revolves around my depression we eat sleep and breathe it. I know that deep down I am a caring, affectionate person who is stuck in this hole of depression.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on June 16, 2004, at 8:39:04
In reply to LOSS OF FEELINGS, posted by littlep24 on June 16, 2004, at 5:59:55
LittleP,
Living with someone with depression is tough. Having friends who are depressed is tough. I know that those who are my friends can't think that having me as a friend is a piece of cake.
I think though, that if your husband has been with you this long, then he REALLY wants to be with you. It's also obvious that you HAVEN'T lost the feelings for your husband because you are so upset right now.
Did you ever consider counseling together? Even if the relationship can't be everything you want it to be, maybe it can be better than it is.
Are you in therapy yourself? Do you have a support group that you can attend? Sometimes having someone on the outside of the relationship that you can talk to can give others around you a bit of a break. You can get things out without having to get them out on the ones you love.
Are you eating right? getting enough vitamins? Sleeping enough? If you're depressed, taking care of your basic needs can give you just a little more energy, and that can help too. (I don't necessarily follow all of my own advice).
Good luck,
Dee.
Posted by littlep24 on June 17, 2004, at 0:14:31
In reply to Re: LOSS OF FEELINGS, posted by deirdrehbrt on June 16, 2004, at 8:39:04
Dee,
Thanks for your thoughts.
There are days I agree that if he is still here he really does want to be. However, there is also that feeling that he is the winner because he is "taking car of" a sick wife. I do go to therapy have for 10 years, unfortunately I am a tough nut to crack none of the numerous therapists I have been to have been able to help me get to my inner self. We tried marriage counseling, however, the counselor didn't like the way my husband treated me and husband thought the counselor was one sided. So that become a mute issue. I try to take vitamins, eat right and the sleep thing is iffy I sleep 9 hours but I never wake up refreshed.If we all followed our own advice we wouldn't be here.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on June 17, 2004, at 17:28:49
In reply to Re: LOSS OF FEELINGS » deirdrehbrt, posted by littlep24 on June 17, 2004, at 0:14:31
LittleP,
It sound like you're working really hard at getting better. It's just so darned hard sometimes.
When I was talking about having your husband go to a T with you, it wasn't so much for marriage counseling. Sometimes people have a problem with 'marriage counseling' because it implies that something is wrong with the relationship. If you could get together though, just to discuss some of the issues (the ones you feel safe sharing) that you are working through. Perhaps he could discuss how they are affecting him. Maybe if he finds out how he is being affected, perhapes he could talk to someone on his own. I think that I would worry about him reacting to one of your issues thinking it was a problem between you. If he knew about it before hand, a problem could be avoided.
I know that when I was married, there were tons of issues that I had brought in from my past, and they really hurt the marriage. We would have been divorced anyway, but it would have saved us both alot of pain to understand the problems that I had brought into the relationship.
You are working so hard on this. I hope that you can feel like you're getting somewhere.Good luck,
Dee.
Posted by littlep24 on June 18, 2004, at 12:24:14
In reply to Re: LOSS OF FEELINGS, posted by deirdrehbrt on June 17, 2004, at 17:28:49
Dee,
Thanks for your thoughts. We have gone to my therapist together and he really tries to understand, however, when things really get bad and I can't keep up with life he forgets all that he has learned. Understanding what I have brought into the marriage is key because the way I respond to many incidents he feels that I am attacking him when I am not it is more that I don't know how to cope with the issue. An example of this is he is good at doing home improvements and has done over two of our bathrooms. People come into our house and say how beautiful and what a wonderful job he has done. I have never been the type to be overjoyed at anything even the birth of my children. I just said oh yea I am happy to have them with no enthusiasm. I would tell him the bathroom looks nice and go on with my day; this really hurt him because it took him many hours after working his own job to complete it. Due to the way I react to many issues is part of why I want a divorce. I feel like I have betrayed him for not being able to be happier and complement (not sure this is the correct word) him for his efforts. On that note I am trying to sort through a really deep issue for me. I am the type of person that tries to validate all my actions and thoughts by looking for approval from everybody. Alot of people do this but I am extreme. I am disgusted by the way I BETRAY my husband because I talk about our issues to everyone and their mother trying to validate that he is the source of our problems. Then when he is around these people they shy away from him. It isn't fair to him and that is why I think we should part our ways because I have betrayed him.
This is the end of the thread.
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