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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on May 8, 2004, at 20:30:02
This marks the first mother's day since I learned and realized about things that happened during my childnood. I find myself suddenly in a perplexing position. How do I acknowlege the day without either causing strife in my family, hurting my mother or being dishonest.
In truth, I know that my parents did nothing out of malice, but due to ignorance, bad parenting skills, and trusting others that were anything but trustworthy all of their kids were hurt.
I want to love them, I want to have a mommy and daddy, but I can't do it and still feel good about myself. I suppose that on one level we still love them, but on another we have to keep our distance.
I suppose that we'll find some middle ground somewhere.
Dee.
Posted by smokeymadison on May 8, 2004, at 21:14:07
In reply to Mother's day, posted by deirdrehbrt on May 8, 2004, at 20:30:02
ooohhh yeah. i have been very hurt by my parent's ignorance and lack of common sense. of course, my mom was very young when she had me and definately was not ready to have me. i have been put in harm's way by both my parents growing up. now i just think about the fact that i am my mother's age right now when i was little. i know i would definately not be able to handle a kid. i shut my mom completely out of my life for about six years. it has only been the last two years that i have started to have a relationship with her again.
she was a terrible mother--lying, cheating, selfish. she still doesn't listen when i call her to talk--she just tells me all of her problems. how to find middle ground? very hard. my old therapist told me to limit my time w/ her. that is what i do, i guess. spend some quality time with her and then come up for air.
but i do love her. and there are things about her that i am grateful for. i did tell her about things that happened to me when i was little about a year ago and she took it pretty well, considering it was her lack of responsibility that brought it about. i am the kind of person who has to have things out in the open--i hate secrets that hurt. the worst she could have done was reject me, and then it still would have been out in the open, and i would still feel better b/c of it. i guess it comes down to what you can live with. if you feel you need to say something in order to heal, then do it. you are not responsible for their reactions, they are.
i hope you have a good mother's day. good luck.
Posted by finelinebob on May 9, 2004, at 2:23:48
In reply to Mother's day, posted by deirdrehbrt on May 8, 2004, at 20:30:02
It's easy for me to say this, since I've got 20 years of realizing just how much my parents screwed up my head. That's a lot more perspective than you've had a chance to develop.
My parents' ignorance, their own emotional problems, the bad genes they inherited from their parents and passed on to me -- none of that excuses what they did and how it molded my life.
But I eventually realized they needed my compassion more than my anger. Moreover, **I** needed to offer them compassion more than anger if I was going to heal. I've moved on, I've gotten help. They didn't. They aren't ready to face their own issues, and they may never be. So, for everything they did RIGHT in raising me, I'm going to do all I can to emphasize the good they did, and take away the pain they still feel from time to time.
I'm not saying to give up your anger. Even after 20 years, I've still got a few pockets to work out. Besides, they may deserve it! How honest you want to be is up to you. I can't say I've lied to them, but my parents can't handle my view of the truth. I don't see any need to share it with them either -- they've got their own demons.
Do what you need to do to be true to yourself and to help you heal. That should be your first priority. If that means you can celebrate any good that your mother has done for you, this might be a good day to emphasize it.
hth, flb
Posted by partlycloudy on May 9, 2004, at 6:57:06
In reply to Re: Mother's day » deirdrehbrt, posted by finelinebob on May 9, 2004, at 2:23:48
My thoughts exactly. I call my mom on the phone but limit my visits home as they are never what I hope they'll be.
Dee, good luck and protect yourself! We are all here in spite of the parents we had!! Let's hear it for surviving.
partlycloudy.
Posted by Jai Narayan on May 9, 2004, at 18:18:49
In reply to Mother's day, posted by deirdrehbrt on May 8, 2004, at 20:30:02
Hi,
I just got back from a mothers day search in a wilderness area for a mother and daughter feared killed in 2001. I love the family and friends and a few times a year we all go out searching for something to help us discover what happened to these two women.
It was raining hard this morning and I was met by only one person. But we went out and I got a ride in a huge truck that went where no other vehicle should go. What a wild ride....the truck was listing and lurching....I thought we might tip over....okay I'm exaggerating, but only a little! It was raining and the tiny forest road was a river and we were balancing from rock to rock....tipping and sliding. We met up with a fellow searcher on an ATV and he tootled ahead of us and then his vehicle ran into a huge pond in the road. We stopped and watched. The water was almost 5 feet deep and mucky. The two men had to pull the stalled ATV around and pull it out of the water. Both men were over waist deep in a water filled bog. It was intense as the rain was pouring from the clouds. After an intense struggle we got out and road back in the truck pulling the ATV behind as we tipped and slid back to more level ground.
We gathered with the family at our original meeting site and shared experiences.Anyway that's what I did today.
I hope your mothers day was very special.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on May 9, 2004, at 20:41:58
In reply to Re: Mother's day, posted by Jai Narayan on May 9, 2004, at 18:18:49
Thanks everyone....
I really appreciate what you have to say. It's good to hear from people who have trodden this path before me. Reading about it in books is one thing, but hearing it first-hand from people who have been there helps.
I still don't know exactly how to handle things with my parents, but at least I know that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do.Jai, I wanted you to know that I appreciate the work you are doing in S&R. I used to do that as well, and hopefully will again, when I'm able to drive.
Thanks all,
Dee.
This is the end of the thread.
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