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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 186 to 210 of 545. Go back in thread:
Posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 7:58:49
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 15, 2004, at 22:29:00
Hi jlynne,
Long time, no hear. What would we ever do without computers?? Lol!
I was going through some of my paperwork yesterday and today, and I stumbled across an 8-page suicide letter from a friend of mine. He wrote it to me back in March of 1996. I had known him since Primary, and I got back in touch with him after the kids and I left hubby.....just for friendship's sake.
So much of what he wrote makes sense to me now. He expresses thoughts and feelings that I have now. He freaked me out back then, but now I understand just what he was saying. Suicide is so universal, isn't it? And he says that I was his angel.....that just when he thought he couldn't trudge through another day, this person comes back into his life from his childhood. He says he thought I was an answer from God when he picked up the phone and it was me on the line.
Well, I was too messed up from hubby to be of much use to ANYONE at that point. I wish I could have been more of a support for him.
I can't read the rest of the letter. I tend to let everyone down.
I had a "plan" last night, after my walk in the nasty fog and drizzle. At least it gave me a little bit more time for this world. But after getting home and getting into bed, I realized that all I'm trying to do is buy some time and that nothing is going to change.....so why buy the time in the first place? I just want to S-C-R-E-A-M!
I have money coming in on Tuesday. I'm very tempted to just take it all, go to a very nice hotel, treat myself with a wonderful meal and a relaxing soak in a gorgeous tub, and then not coming back. And if I do come back....well, I would have just spent all my bill money.....so I wouldn't be able to take care of my responsibilities.....so another reason not to come back. (Hey, and I didn't know that a rental lease could be broken via a doctor's letter! That's good news for any decision).
Good luck with your computer. My system is just a modge-podge of parts that my sister put together for me. Hey, but it's a Pentium! Lol! You'd never know it by looking at the casing, though! Ha!!
And as the maracas keep shaking in my head (argh!!!!!), I wish you all the best!!!!
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 8:08:17
In reply to Re: Blank » SandyWeb, posted by fallsfall on April 15, 2004, at 19:48:04
Hi fallsfall,
Where do we come up with such names? I think I must be the most unimaginative emailer on this board! Lol!
I am so happy that yesterday was a turning point for you. I've been told, all through school, that I had such insight.....but it doesn't seem to be turned on anymore. Lol! Congrats for having the courage and the ENERGY to think outside the box. You've put a lot of work into yourself. Don't start second-guessing yourself now. If it feels right to you, then you know you must be on the right track. WooHoo!!!! *big smiles*
Hey, maybe I should take you to the hotel with me?? We could sit up all night ordering room service and having pillow fights!! Lol!! It's gotta be better than brooding in a bubble bath.
Take care, hun!!!!!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 16:37:26
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 15, 2004, at 22:29:00
And another door SLAMS in my face.
I go down to get the mail right now, and there's a letter from Community Services. Turns out that they will be holding my Welfare due to my non-response to meet with my worker to do the annual review.
Well, I didn't receive a letter stating she wanted a review. It's only held every year or year and a half, and it's no big deal. How much in your bank account (zero), any assets (zero), any income from properties (zero), etc. Sign on the dotted line, and you're set for another year.
So now I have 30 days to appeal their decision. And I'm tooooo TIRED to go through this crap.
SLAM, SLAM, SLAM. I'm telling you, someone really wants me in that grave!!!!
So now what? What the "bleep, bleep, bleepity-bleep" am I to do now?? My brain's not firing on all cylinders at the time anyways, so I don't even want to THINK about all this.
I'm too tired, and this is just too much door-slamming for me in the past month.
I just feel dead.
Posted by LynneDa on April 16, 2004, at 16:51:42
In reply to Let Me Kick You While You're Down, posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 16:37:26
Sandy - I'm so sorry to hear that. Bureaucracy sucks! Pick a time next week when you're at your best and give them a call. Wish I could help you through this. I know how you feel, not having energy to deal with putting a meal together or getting the kids in the tub and in bed, let alone bigger things!!
When you get sick, it's like a house of cards or dominoes. Everything is affected by it and it can seem like it's all crashing in on you, one thing after another, but it's really all the same thing (if that makes sense).
What can I do to help? I wish I could make a phone call for you and get it straightened out. Dare I mention asking your sister to help you? I know you'll say no, but I bet she'd help :-)!
Simus was talking about weight gain as we get older and how humbling it is. The whole mental illness thing is pretty humbling, isn't it?!?!
Someone really wants to test you. I can't pretend to know why. Hang in there Sandy, I'll be thinking good thoughts about you over the weekend!!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
And another door SLAMS in my face.
>
> I go down to get the mail right now, and there's a letter from Community Services. Turns out that they will be holding my Welfare due to my non-response to meet with my worker to do the annual review.
>
> Well, I didn't receive a letter stating she wanted a review. It's only held every year or year and a half, and it's no big deal. How much in your bank account (zero), any assets (zero), any income from properties (zero), etc. Sign on the dotted line, and you're set for another year.
>
> So now I have 30 days to appeal their decision. And I'm tooooo TIRED to go through this crap.
>
> SLAM, SLAM, SLAM. I'm telling you, someone really wants me in that grave!!!!
>
> So now what? What the "bleep, bleep, bleepity-bleep" am I to do now?? My brain's not firing on all cylinders at the time anyways, so I don't even want to THINK about all this.
>
> I'm too tired, and this is just too much door-slamming for me in the past month.
>
> I just feel dead.
>
>
Posted by mystic on April 16, 2004, at 17:25:31
In reply to Let Me Kick You While You're Down, posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 16:37:26
Hey sandy...Hang in there...I know that you are feeling pretty shitty but things have got to get better...look into those wonderful childrens faces and see that they are your life and they need you and they will bring you back...Please try to get on some meds and try to feel better there are soooo many things out there and patience is not a friend of ours but you have to do it for them...I have a friend that is pretty depressed also and I just dont know what to say except there will be a rainbow there just will be...luvya keep the faith ...Mystic
Posted by fallsfall on April 16, 2004, at 18:58:06
In reply to Re: Blank » fallsfall, posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 8:08:17
Sandy,
My name is because when I needed a new name I was living next to a waterfall. I could see it from my bedroom (and kitchen) window. I could hear it all year long. And what was so amazing to me was that the falls kept falling. The water never stopped. It slowed down in the summer a little, but in the spring there was so much water! Even when the river was frozen solid, the falls kept falling. So: falls fall. It was amazing to me.
I guess that I keep going too. I told you my little story because I wanted you to know that I understand how bleak things can be. I was sure that nothing could change that would make things better. That I would be in that much pain until I died, and I couldn't live in that much pain for long. But I postponed things for my daughter. And I'm glad that I did.
Because even though I couldn't see any way - not ANY WAY - for things to get better, they did. They got better because I took a risk (what did I have to lose, really?). At that time, I was sure that nothing could help. I think that you are feeling beaten down - and that you don't see how things could change to make life bearable. I'm trying to tell you that I felt that way, too. But things did change.
Of course, today I saw my therapist again, and try as I might I couldn't find that insight again. But I know it is there, and it will surface again. And things can change.
That's all I'm hoping that you will see - that even when it looks like nothing can help, there IS something that can help. Please look for that something. It's not going to be right in front of your eyes, or you would have seen it already. It is hiding, but probably not too hidden - look around, look for it.
Maybe your friend who wrote that letter could help you.
Posted by Dr. Bob on April 17, 2004, at 12:55:03
In reply to RE: Hey sandy, posted by mystic on April 16, 2004, at 17:25:31
> I know that you are feeling pretty sh[*]tty
Sorry to interrupt, but please don't use language that could offend others.
If you have any questions or comments about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
or redirect a follow-up to Psycho-Babble Administration.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by spoc on April 17, 2004, at 14:07:53
In reply to RE: please be civil » mystic, posted by Dr. Bob on April 17, 2004, at 12:55:03
> > I know that you are feeling pretty sh[*]tty>
--
> Sorry to interrupt, but please don't use language that could offend others.>
> Thanks,
> Bob
--
Hoo hoo, did I ever see THAT coming! But wanted to say mystic (besides hi, pleased to meet you), that I know as we all surely do that you mean well and were just "keepin it real!" I'm pretty "real" myself where I know I can get away with it! Thought I'd say that just in case you, like me, can easily end up taking things personally that you shouldn't. ;- )
Posted by mystic on April 17, 2004, at 14:48:16
In reply to RE: please be civil, posted by spoc on April 17, 2004, at 14:07:53
Wow Me Bad...oooppppss....
Posted by jlynne on April 19, 2004, at 19:33:07
In reply to Let Me Kick You While You're Down, posted by SandyWeb on April 16, 2004, at 16:37:26
Hey, Sandy, I'm back:~) How you doin' sweetie? Not too well, from reading your posts, eh? What a bummer to have all this come down on you one right after the other.
It's ok if you don't feel like talking right now - I understand. But I will keep posting to you because I know you are reading, and I know that it helps. I'm sorry I've been away, not much I could do about it - the 'puter gods were angry with me:(
Oh, by the way, when we all go on Oprah together, you can be the one who punches out the idiot in the audience who tries to give us a bad time, okay? LOL {i thought you might like that:~)}
Hang in there, love.
I pray for you every night:~)
((((LOVE)))) ((((PRAYERS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:21:39
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 19, 2004, at 19:33:07
??
Posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:23:41
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:21:39
Is anyone up for a chat tonight?
I'm so wound up, and it just keeps getting worse each day.
I couldn't even remember my dang password to get back on this thread. Argh!
Posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:30:16
In reply to Wound Up Tonight (Trigger), posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:23:41
Never mind, never mind, never mind.
I'm going to take a walk or something. I can't just sit around here waiting to see if someone will respond. I need to do something.
Cya!
Sandry
Posted by jlynne on April 20, 2004, at 20:39:09
In reply to Re: Wound Up Tonight (Trigger), posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:30:16
Sorry i missed you, dear . . . i just got off work (time difference, you know). I am going to grab a sandwich and then i will be in babble open for awhile, but i will check back in here, too:~)
Have a nice walk!
((((HUGS))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:55:37
In reply to Re: Wound Up Tonight (Trigger) » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 20, 2004, at 20:39:09
Don't bother.
I don't want to talk anymore.
Posted by jlynne on April 20, 2004, at 21:22:23
In reply to Re: » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:55:37
Sandy, I am here if you change your mind.
I'm sorry your world seems so dark right now; I wish I could say something that would give you some hope, or maybe a smile. You are a very bright woman, Sandy, and you will get through this. I think your intelligence is probably what is making it more difficult for you (ah, for ignorant bliss!).
I have had a lot of losses and disappointments in my life, too, sweetie. It is possible to rise above this.
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 22:46:25
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 20, 2004, at 21:22:23
What, am I still alive?
And as I turn on the lamp over the computer, a bulb burns out. And it makes it shadowy. And not quite real. And yet, I still find myself here.
I don't cry anymore. I walk, and I sleep, and I walk some more.
Everyone seems to have left me without saying good-bye. And so I turn my back and keep on walking. I wouldn't want anyone to be a part of my life, anyways. I tend to cause pain, and people have enough of their own to deal with. It's too much to take on another's.
The police said that I was a fighter. That I had extroidinary life and survivor skills. That there was a place for me. But they are mistaken. They see what they want to believe in. I was too insecure to stand up for myself. I don't have "survivor" skills.....I have "hiding" skills. Hide from the world, hide from myself....hide from God.
I've been cutting my arm the past few days. Nothing major....very easy to clean up. But there is something about the discomfort....something about the pain and the punishment that I take upon myself. It seems to allow me not to be so angry with myself. And it keeps me hard and untouchable. I'm not going to allow anyone to make me cry again.
It's a strange place that I find myself in now. I don't quite know what to make of it. But no matter where you go, you have to find some sort of comfort zone.....something that keeps you from floundering. I don't know where I am right now....but I guess the cutting helps me to not go under. It keeps me in the day.....because tomorrow is too much to think about.
I wish the two cops had said good-bye to me. We were chatting a bit via email, and I felt a certain amount of trust towards them. I told them a few things.....but that's where I made my mistake. I allowed them to see a bit of who I am, and that's not fair to them. I involved them in my life, and that means a certain amount of distress for them if something ends up happening with me. I should never share myself, even if it's a little here and a little there. I'm smaller than a speck on an iceberg......I don't want to cause anyone to feel sad.
But I still wish they had said good-bye when I told them that it was best if I leave them alone. I sensed a really nice friendship between the two of them, and it would have been comforting to know that maybe they thought well of me. Ah well, I should learn to keep close to myself. No one needs to know even the slightest inkling of what my life has been like. My life has been an absolute blessing compared to some other people's. I'm not that self-important.
The sun will be coming up on another day soon.
I think it's supposed to rain.
I should close my eyes.
Take care. God bless.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 21, 2004, at 0:05:06
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 22:46:25
Well, that was odd.
The two cops showed up tonight.
I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, and I thought I heard someone rat-a-tat-tapping on my door.
And sure enough it was them.
Odd timing.
It was nice to see them again, but....I have to be careful what I say. I just don't want to go back to the hospital, you know?
And it all just takes time. Just give me the time, and I'll probably get through this by myself. Haven't I always? You can only rely upon yourself, right? No one else needs or deserves that added burden.
After 2am here. Nighty-night.
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on April 21, 2004, at 0:52:18
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 22:46:25
Sandy, do you know how to get to Babble Open? If you do, watch for my post in the old thread - i will leave a notice when i go to Babble Open, if you want to chat there.
If you need directions, let me know.
It's really hard to use the message board for a chat session because we all seem to be on at different times.
(((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes)))) ((((chat))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on April 21, 2004, at 1:50:30
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on April 21, 2004, at 0:05:06
> Well, that was odd.
>
> The two cops showed up tonight.
> >
> And it all just takes time. Just give me the time, and I'll probably get through this by myself.Sandy, i sent that last post before i read this one. I am so glad to hear that these two new "friends" showed up for you:~) Remember, i told you to keep your eyes out for an angel?? Well, it looks like you got TWO of them, eh? You ARE going to make it, sweetie . . . and not alone, either. I have such a warm feeling, i know something GOOD is going to happen to you.
You will go up and down (probably a lot down before a lot up) but you will see that it comes and goes in waves, and you just have to ride the waves, for now. When you are down, it will feel like you have always been down, and when you are up you will wonder what the fuss was, and then the down will sneak up on you from behind - so just be aware of that, ok?
God bless you, Sandy. I think you are starting to come back. I am still here.
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes)))) ((((Hope))))
...jlynne
Posted by lonelygirl on April 21, 2004, at 2:36:29
In reply to Wound Up Tonight (Trigger), posted by SandyWeb on April 20, 2004, at 20:23:41
Hey Sandy,
You should come chat in Babble Open some time. jlynne and I are in there almost every night (usually fairly late, since we are both in Pacific time zone), and trucker, mystic, Dinah, Anakin, fallsfall, DaisyM, karen_kay, EmmyS, gardenergirl, Mrs. C, Zena, kid47, deirdrehbrt, All Done, octopusprime, jane d, and probably others I am forgetting, chat there too (though some of them go by different screen names there). It's kind of hit-or-miss; I usually check a few times during the afternoon and evening, and a lot of the time nobody else is there. The best time is usually in the evening. I'd say most of the chat occurs between about 8 and midnight, eastern time (I don't know what time zone you're in). Sometimes, people will post here on social to say that they're in the chat room, or you can post to say you're there (you just have to wait a while for people to see your message and come in the room).
You have to join Babble Open in yahoo groups to get in the chat room (I believe you can get in without joining if you have yahoo messenger, but I don't know how to do that!). You can join by going to:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/psycho-babble-open/
Once you join, when you go to that page (at the above link), you'll see links on the left-hand side that say Home, Messages, Chat, Files, Photos, Links... (etc.), and you just click on the "Chat" link to get to the chat room.
Oh, and just to give you a heads up, there are a lot of, well, technical difficulties with the chat room. It will disconnect you without warning sometimes (and sometimes you have to refresh the page to get back in), and it does it to other people too, so they might leave without warning and take a minute to get back. It can be kind of frustrating! Also, for some reason, it sometimes lists people in the chat room who aren't really there, so it will look like they're in the room, but they won't say anything.
Anyway, I hope you'll try out the chat room some time!
Posted by SandyWeb on April 21, 2004, at 7:27:51
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 21, 2004, at 1:50:30
Hi jlynne,
Jeepers, it seems that I just went to bed and then had to get back up again. I think I'm going to be dragging my bum today! Lol!
It was just so odd for those 2 cops to show up last night, basically only a few minutes after I sent that message to you. Talk about timing!!! But you know what? I wouldn't invite them in. I told them that the last time I did that, they ended up taking me away! Ha! So we talked at my door for about 45 minutes. I know, I'm such a rude hostess!!! Hee hee!
I'm not really sure why they showed up when they did. They are off for the next four days, and they said that they just wanted to check in with me to see how I was doing. But the timing was uncanny. Hey, maybe they really are my two angels. *wink* Too bad they're married angels, though. Ha!
The only bad thing about the visit is that they had phoned my sister prior to coming over. They wanted to know if she would be willing to look after the kids again IF they needed to take me to the hospital. What?? So I'm sure I'm going to begin getting countless emails and phone calls from her again. Ugh. I'm not ready to rebuild our relationship yet, and this little incident certainly doesn't help any. Oh well.....one day it will be a distant memory, and we can go back to being sisters again.
I think you're correct about the "up and down" thing. I do have a few minutes, from time to time, when there appears to be some hope. It's refreshing. There is definately more "down" than "up", BUT.....baby steps is all it takes, right? Don't act impulsively, don't listen to "plans" in my head, try to focus on ANYTHING positive rather than all the negatives. I don't need to have the answers yet.....just the right mind-set. Difficult. But I guess I'm doing it. The soul has such a will to survive, doesn't it?
Anyways, the two guys said that they'd be coming back to see me when they return to work. They work 4 on and then 4 off. I just hope they don't come at 1am again. And I'm nervous to say too much. One reason is that I don't want them to think that I should go back to the hospital, which they KNOW I don't want to do. And the second reason is that I don't want to involve them in my life too much. I've already told them certain things that allows them to see a little bit of who I am/what shaped me. But if something DOES happen with me, that can be rather distressing to them because they'll know me. I don't think that's fair of me to do. But one of the guys said that he wants me to be open with them.....it helps them to know me better and understand where I'm coming from. But I just think it's rather dangerous territory for them. I still don't know what will become of me, and I really don't want to cause any type of difficulties for these two wonderful men. "Distance" is probably best.
You know what? I think I'm going to try and read a book. Maybe my focus is a little better now.
Enjoy your day!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 21, 2004, at 7:30:36
In reply to Re: Wound Up Tonight (Trigger) » SandyWeb, posted by lonelygirl on April 21, 2004, at 2:36:29
Hey there loneygirl,
Thanks for the invite. I'm not sure if I will go to the Open forum. I don't use Messenger because it makes me nervous to chat with people "real time". Everyone seems to know what to say, and I'm sitting there trying to figure out how to respond! Lol!
But it's a thought.
Thanks for thinking about me!!
Take care!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 21, 2004, at 7:33:09
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on April 21, 2004, at 0:05:06
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Posted by SandyWeb on April 21, 2004, at 7:40:53
In reply to Re: » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on April 21, 2004, at 7:27:51
I meant to add to my message, but the ole brain fogged out on me:
I had been thinking about "hurting myself" this week. I had been sinking rather low, and I didn't even have any feelings left.
That visit couldn't have come at a better time. I don't think they appreciate the significance of showing up when they did. They don't know.
Maybe someday, when this is all behind me, I'll let them in on it. It's funny how something so tiny as an unexpected visit (from people you like) can change your outlook upon the day.
Oh gosh, I hope I don't sink again. If only we could keep moving upwards, right? Ah well, I am prepared to feel suicidal again.....but I also know that if I just hold on and not act impulsively, I'll survive.
Had to surf when you've never had lessons!! LOL!!!
Take care!
Sandy
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