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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by mystic on March 15, 2004, at 21:32:40
In reply to RE: Mrs C., posted by Mrs. C on March 15, 2004, at 21:05:59
Mrs C...thanks for remembering..I'm still very nervous about the shower and still waiting for that bad feeling to go away..I had a hard time last month while in my cycle and the shower will be at that time so that is just making me more nervous...not knowing what is going to happen..I just want everything to go well and dont want to disappoint anyone..I just love my daughter so much and cant imagine letting her down she needs me soooo much...So maybe some extra on that day would be much appreciated...Hopefully I wont need it that much....Also I have the same problem as you have with the always thinking I have some terrible disease and also Im obsessed with death I think my husband is going to die..I'm going to die and I just think about it all the time mostly before and during my cycle for some reason..It is horrible and wish I could get away from these obsessive thoughts...so we are all alike in so many ways..it is hard to talk about it because people just dont understand...but sometimes it helps to share...Hope your day tomorrow was as good if not better than today...take care Mystic
Posted by Journeyman on March 15, 2004, at 21:35:27
In reply to RE: Journeyman, posted by mystic on March 14, 2004, at 9:05:51
Hello Mystic,
To answer your question, here's some background.
By April of last year, I was so depressed, there was one day when it was difficult for me to muster up the emotional energy to walk to the park 3 blocks from home and have to interact with people...a very unusual situation for me. I decided to see a therapist, because the oppressive feelings were getting to be too much to deal with.
Started weekly therapy, with good results, but my therapist and I noticed a tendency for me to see-saw between happy and sad phases. Took some diagnostic tests about depression, but they determined my symptoms were classic depression.
My therapist was convinced that my depression was 'organic' - that is, a biologically generated/perpetuated problem and that in order to break the cycle, I should try an AD. She came to that conclusion fairly early on in our sessions, but I was reluctant to medicate myself as I saw it as an admission of defeat. I thought that I should be able to work through it by eating well, exercising, giving myself positive messages, etc. The problem with that approach had always been that things started out well, but depression always depleted my desire to take that kind of good care of myself. In other words, I believed I had the cure, but I couldn't get myself to administer it. Thus, back to the round of spiraling depression I would go. I felt guilty, ashamed, weak, and sometimes nearly hopeless.
Things got worse. June, July, & August had some good moments. Things crashed in September and I suffered terribly for nearly 3 months. Decided to pay a visit to a psychitrist (you'll sometimes see them referred to on this site as 'p/docs').
The p/doc came to the same conclusion my therapist had and wanted me to try Lexapro for a year to see whether the organic cycle could be broken.Nov. 21 - Started taking 5 mg. of Lexapro. I experienced many of the milder side-effects that lots of people have mentioned: slight dizziness, mild headaches (and I never get headaches), diarrhea, sleepiness after lunch, a caffeine-like perkiness at night. These pretty much disappeared by six weeks.
I felt better emotionally almost immediately. Part of that may have just been from the good feelings I had that I was actually doing something new to take care of myself, but whatever it was, it felt good not to be under such an oppressive cloud of angst.
I have continued to feel better and better. I'm enjoying art, music, people, everything, more than I ever have. This in spite of the fact that I am currently undergoing the most difficult time of my life. Were it not for my current therapy, I have no doubt that I would be suicidal under my (formerly) usual circumstances.
The greatest shift in my thinking is related to how I view myself. Prior to my current therapy and Lexapro treatment, I had always sought my role in relationships through what I perceived to be what other people wanted me to be. You want me to be funny - I'll be a clown. You need me to be empathetic - I'll cry for you. Etc. Etc. ad self-destruction. I wanted so badly to please others that I was always the last person I concerned my self with pleasing. I was so finely tuned to other peoples' needs, that I was virtually incapable of listening to my own body and my own thoughts.
Another part of this change has been in the way I view negative events, whether outside myself or in my head. I used to think that acknowledging 'bad' thoughts would magically make them more realistic, more a part of how I would be defined. So I would ignore the negative, focus on only the positive, and be missing half of what was actually going on. I thought the dark and the negative would weaken me.
I now, however, view them as an essential part of me and of everything else that we call life. Without hate, there is no such thing as love...without darkness, there is no such thing as light. They are part of the experience of life, and I now welcome them into my life as wise teachers that can guide me every bit as well as those things we consider to be 'positive.' I no longer fear the thoughts that come into my mind - I invite them to sit with me so that we can get to know each other, and when we do, I stop viewing them as enemies. They, like everything else, are just passing through.
I am still on 5 mg. of Lex. That amount seems to be enough for me. I'm also in two therapy sessions a week, and I do quite a bit of reading. About 5 weeks ago, my therapist declared that I was 'depression-free.' I'll continue the Lex for the year that my p/doc recommends. Then, we'll see from there. As for the therapy, I'll know when I'm ready to stop.
That's a brief summary. Let me know if there's anything else.
When you're falling asleep tonight, maybe you can focus on the light (and the darkness) in you, that has so fortunately brought you to where you are now. There is hope. There is love. There is openness and acceptance. And all three of those things are present not only here on this message board...they're present in you.
May you continue to experience growing peace with yourself.
Journeyman
Posted by Journeyman on March 15, 2004, at 21:49:49
In reply to So glad I came here!, posted by susielalala on March 15, 2004, at 21:23:49
Susielalala,
I'm sure you know the tune, complements of Judy Garland:
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.This is just a public service announcement that you already ARE a part of the Lexapro family. It happened the moment you took that slightly bitter, chalky little white pill that led you here.
You have already ridden out the much harder storm; that tempest we refer to as depression. Compared to self-doubt, self-loathing, fear that we aren't enough and never will be, anxiety that if people really knew what we were like they wouldn't love us (and we're probably just misleading ourselves if we really believe they do anyway), a few side effects of Lexapro are really a small and short-term price to pay.
Yes, you will stick with it. You've already proven your strength by surviving the experiences that led you to where you are now.
Embrace all of the new experiences, and I'm sure you'll find they'll embrace you.
We are with you.
Journeyman
Posted by mystic on March 15, 2004, at 21:58:54
In reply to Mystic, posted by Journeyman on March 15, 2004, at 21:35:27
Wow Journeyman....That was very inspirational as always...thank you so much for sharing and taking the time to write all of that...I can relate to alot of what you said...I think we all can...I'm starting this week with yet another therapist..I have tried many with no luck..This time I'm going in with the mind set that I want to learn to deal with what is here and now to make myself better and try not to get into the past because I truely believe that is where it belongs..and it has never helped to bring up the past before..So that is my plan and if it doesnt work with this therapist I will go to someone else until I find the right one...Right now I'm very grateful that I have found these posts and the wonderful people that share like you...It helps sooo very much and I do believe that everything happens for a reason and something brought us all to this place so that we could find comfort...I thank you Journeyman I wish you all the wonderful things in life..I do have to add that I hope that you are not putting a time limit on the meds and will have an open mind after the year to realize that just maybe they help you and make you a whole person again...just a thought...thank you talk to you soon I hope...A friend Mystic
Posted by Journeyman on March 15, 2004, at 22:00:42
In reply to Re: Hi everyone (long!) » Gator, posted by LynneDa on March 15, 2004, at 18:28:58
Hi Linda,
Welcome back. We've missed you.
Great to read your post, as always. Just one thought connected to it that I just can't ignore:
'I think I have some issues with anger and low self-esteem that I could deal with in therapy, but just haven't picked up the phone to make that call. I don't know if I have the energy yet to deal with all that therapy will dredge up.'
My friend, you don't have the energy NOT to deal with it. It's far more consuming in the long run to let that stuff continue to use up your energy, consciously or subconsciously.
I know you're into quotes, so let me remind you what The Sage From St. Louis once said, not too long ago...'In general, feeling better grows on you. If you sleep better, have more days without anxiety, start thinking more positively about yourself, have the energy to eat and care for yourself - it all just wraps into a big snowball that keeps growing as you push along your path!'
I'm sure you couldn't have said it better yourself.
It's time to fly Lynne. Lexapro is one wing. Your therapy is the other.
It's nice to have you back.
See you in the skies.
Journeyman
Posted by jlynne on March 15, 2004, at 23:45:42
In reply to Re: wantinfo » want info, posted by want info on March 15, 2004, at 14:58:53
> its so great to see someone else feels the same way...yet its been almost 6 wks and i feel like ive been spaced the whole time. shouldnt i have adjusted by now? next thing i know ill be going to work without pants or something...lol
>
>Em, from what some of the others have been posting, it looks as though it will probably take awhile longer for us to even out, especially if we have to increase again. You know, if I had to go through this without the support of the people here, I would have given up by now. And, yeah, I do worry about going out the door not fully clothed! [I took the wrong freeway exit the other day, and had to turn around and go back] My children and grandchildren find me very amusing:) ...if we can keep our sense of humor, we will be ok. ...[hugs]jlynne
Posted by jlynne on March 16, 2004, at 0:01:35
In reply to Re: Hi everyone (long!) » Gator, posted by LynneDa on March 15, 2004, at 18:28:58
>>Now that you are on your own and on the way to recovery, I know you will start discovering things about yourself you either forgot or never realized were there. >
> > ~ LynneLynne, I feel like you have wrapped us all up in your arms and given us one great big group hug! You are so right about rediscovering myself. After my husband left, I cried for weeks whenever I had to take out the garbage (for some reason, it reminded me of how alone I was), but you know what? I took the garbage out tonight, and I thought about how good it feels to take care of myself:) You are a blessing to us all ...jlynne
Posted by Magdalena on March 16, 2004, at 0:31:14
In reply to Lynne, posted by Journeyman on March 15, 2004, at 22:00:42
Journeyman, what you said tonite in your posts really hit home. It gave me that feeling of being set free or being reminded of all the things i used to think and somehow just forgotten along the way. thank you so much for being a part of this group its like we in here are all somehow sent together to help us learn, grow and overcome.
A part from a poem that a friend wrote to me a long time ago came to mind after reading your posts and its how i view everyone in here.
"Never have i seen
An angel dance on earth
flatfoot and inheriting
all the broken glass of ground
Purifying the taint of dust
That often clings to us...So you see
I know
you are a dime amongst pennies
An angel who would rather
wound her feet in earth
then tear her wings in heaven"I know we will all overcome:)
Goodnite
magdalena
Posted by jlynne on March 16, 2004, at 1:29:06
In reply to Re: mrs. c re: OCD, posted by Mrs. C on March 15, 2004, at 20:52:44
mrs. c, I think both of us probably took on the OCD as a result of fear, just different causes. I believe mine is an attempt to control things that are beyond my control - I am also very good at dissociation.
You will learn a lot in therapy. It will be good to have someone to guide you in the right direction. You will probably eventually be able to share more with your therapist than you do here and with your family.
I will share with you about my experiences when I have more time. Today has been very long; I had much to do after work and didn't even have dinner until around 9pm. Tomorrow is my son's birthday - he will be 34yrs old - and I will be going to have dinner and cake with him after work (he lives 45mi away). Right now I need to finish reading the day's posts:) Thank you for sharing ...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on March 16, 2004, at 1:39:59
In reply to So glad I came here!, posted by susielalala on March 15, 2004, at 21:23:49
> I hope to become apart of your lexapro family. :)
You already are:) ...jlynne
P.S. May I call you Susie?
Also, what time zone are you in? I am on the West coast (Pacific Time).
Posted by jlynne on March 16, 2004, at 2:47:01
In reply to jlynne, posted by mystic on March 15, 2004, at 6:44:58
> jlynne...Well sorry to hear about your husband leaving you...But you sound like such a great person you will find someone that you will spend the rest of your life with and be happy...Everything happens for a reason...Mystic
Hey, Mystic:) Boy, has it been a long day! I am feeling pretty good, just tired. You know, I'm not so sure I want someone to share my life with anymore. I'm kind of getting used to living alone now, and it's actually kind of nice. My Dad taught me how to do a lot of routine home repairs while I was growing up, and I have always had a knack for fixing things, so I really don't need a man for things like that (in fact, I think that was one of my ex-husband's problems - he always wanted me to be helpless and dependent on him. He once referred to me as his "husband"). Yeah, I know . . . he was a jerk!
Anyway, I won't rule out romance sometime in the future, but at this point in my life, I really don't think I want to try anything permanent again. I own my own home now (well, me and the bank:) and I have a wonderful job. We'll see . . .
Do you have anyone helping you with your daughter's shower? A friend of hers, maybe? If not, maybe it would help to ask?? (just a suggestion)
Well, it is after midnight and my mind is melting down. Thank you for your encouragement. Hope you have a good day. [Lots of hugs] ...jlynne
Posted by mystic on March 16, 2004, at 6:40:08
In reply to Re: jlynne » mystic, posted by jlynne on March 16, 2004, at 2:47:01
Good Morning jlynne...Yes I have my two very good friends they are the best so I dont really have to worry about things getting done just about being there...and I have lots of friends most of which will be there...thanks for asking...
It is great to hear that the fear you have is not of being alone..and the best part is that when and if you do meet someone this time you wont have to depend or listen to anyone that is not going to treat you with respect...and that is what we all deserve but dont think that we do...If we all learn how to take care of ourselves as well as we are used to taking care of everyone else in our lives then maybe some of our fears would disappear...
I left my first husband when I was 5 months pregnant and he beat me for the last time and I'm not sure how I did it but I did and years after that was when my first panic attack happened...So I do believe that some of the reasons we are the way we are is because we just dont take into consideration how important we are because we are so wrapped up in taking care of everyone else and worrrying about being strong...So by the time things catch up they are already off the track and there is no getting it back with out a lot of work...I dont know if this makes sense trying to get it off before work...But anyway...We deserved to be taken care of once in a while and if we are the only ones that can do then so be it we DESERVE it!!!!!!!....
Sorry to go on and on sometimes I have the thoughts in my head and try to relay them and they dont always sound the best but I really dont have time to overlook to see what I wrote...hahahaha...Everyone HAVE A GREAT DAY....Mystic....jlynne Be proud of the accomplishments that you have made they are huge..and they will get even huger (is that a word)..haha
Posted by want info on March 16, 2004, at 9:52:12
In reply to Re: wantinfo, posted by jlynne on March 15, 2004, at 23:45:42
oh thank you jlynne! i am just so worried that i will feel like this forever...im in week 6 and they want to up me to 20...i want to be myself again! EM
Posted by LynneDa on March 16, 2004, at 10:07:06
In reply to Lynne, posted by Journeyman on March 15, 2004, at 22:00:42
Oh Journeyman, you are so right as usual . . . and the way you capture it so succinctly and poignantly speaks straight to my heart. THANK YOU. I'm going to make that call right now.
There, done. I just left her a message for an appointment. Thank you for your gentle nudge :-)
~ Lynne
Posted by LynneDa on March 16, 2004, at 10:11:56
In reply to Re: wantinfo, posted by jlynne on March 15, 2004, at 23:45:42
Ladies - I put my makeup on one eye and not the other one day. My boss noticed it and said something to me! Not a huge tragedy in the least, but an example of either how busy I am or absent-minded. Maybe a little of both?!? It has got much better. That was a couple of months ago, so hang in there and like Mystic said - keep your sense of humor!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
its so great to see someone else feels the same way...yet its been almost 6 wks and i feel like ive been spaced the whole time. shouldnt i have adjusted by now? next thing i know ill be going to work without pants or something...lol
> >
> >
>
> Em, from what some of the others have been posting, it looks as though it will probably take awhile longer for us to even out, especially if we have to increase again. You know, if I had to go through this without the support of the people here, I would have given up by now. And, yeah, I do worry about going out the door not fully clothed! [I took the wrong freeway exit the other day, and had to turn around and go back] My children and grandchildren find me very amusing:) ...if we can keep our sense of humor, we will be ok. ...[hugs]jlynne
Posted by jlynne on March 16, 2004, at 11:11:07
In reply to Re: wantinfo (jlynne, lynneda) » jlynne, posted by want info on March 16, 2004, at 9:52:12
> oh thank you jlynne! i am just so worried that i will feel like this forever...im in week 6 and they want to up me to 20...i want to be myself again! EM
EM, I just saw my doctor yesterday - he has been just wonderful about all of this. He told me to take my time and decide for myself when/if I am ready to increase again. I plan to wait a little longer and see how I do at 15mg. I don't have any qualms about going to 20mg, but I want to make sure that I need to first.
You do have some say in this - it is your life. If you do go to 20mg and find that it is too soon, you can always go back down to 15mg again. Whatever you decide, I am pulling for you.
I know that something good is happening inside of me - even through all the s/e's, I can feel something deep inside that is growing and becoming strong. I may not feel it every minute, but it is there enough for me to know that I am beginning to change. You will feel it, too. [Here's a BIG HUG] ...jlynne
Posted by want info on March 16, 2004, at 13:34:40
In reply to RE: Magdalena, posted by mystic on March 15, 2004, at 19:59:14
hey mystic. i am not on paxil and lex...i was on paxil for 8 yrs and am in my 6th week on lex. still feeling pretty spaced and anxious...i tapered off the paxil and havent had any of it since feb 4...EM
Posted by want info on March 16, 2004, at 14:33:13
In reply to Re: Mrs C., posted by Mrs. C on March 15, 2004, at 20:56:56
hey mrs c...how long til things cleared up for you? im starting week 6 and am still fuzzy :( been on 15 for about a week and was on 10 before that...thanks! EM
Posted by mystic on March 16, 2004, at 17:23:53
In reply to Re: Mrs C. » Mrs. C, posted by want info on March 16, 2004, at 14:33:13
Hey Em..sorry you are still have such a hard time...hopefully soon it will get better...was a little worried with one of your posts as I thought you were doing both and you were like me I never weened off the paxil though just stopped that one night and took the lex the next think that is why we had such a hard time with the lex...How many mgs of the paxil were you taking at the time that you switched to lex?...I'm having somewhat of a bad evening...Just found out the I broke my wisdom and I have to have it extracted tomorrow along with a crown on another tooth and a possible root canal...No need for me to share anxiety and dentists with anyone...and I work for one...Hope you had a better day talk to you soon...Mystic
Posted by mystic on March 16, 2004, at 17:30:07
In reply to RE: emily, posted by mystic on March 16, 2004, at 17:23:53
Hey Mrs C...how are you doing today??..still on the up and up I hope...It is snowing really bad here just made it home glad I have my jeep...this should be the last storm of the season I hope...Feeling a bit frazzled at the moment just found out that I cracked my wisdom tooth and have to have it extracted tomorrow and a crown on another tooth which could possible be a root canal..and Like I said earlier dont have to explain anxiety and dentists to anyone...And I work for the dentist...SO reallllyyy really nervous about this and not sure I will be able to do it...Afraid I will be right in the middle and flip right out...not doing that great tonight...SO I think I will take a break...Talk to everyone soon..Hope you all had a great day...Mystic
Posted by mystic on March 16, 2004, at 17:30:44
In reply to RE: Mrs C.., posted by mystic on March 16, 2004, at 17:30:07
Hey jlynne hope your day was good and you are feeling ok...Mystic
Posted by LynneDa on March 16, 2004, at 17:55:33
In reply to RE: Mrs C.., posted by mystic on March 16, 2004, at 17:30:07
Hi Mystic - Sorry about your tooth - yuk! I am very afraid of the dentist too, irrational as it may be. But, it's better than having to get wooden teeth I guess (hee hee).
Hang in there and try to get through it the best you can! I'll be thinking of you, let us know how it goes :-)
~ Lynne
Posted by jlynne on March 16, 2004, at 17:56:33
In reply to RE: jlynne, posted by mystic on March 16, 2004, at 17:30:44
Mystic, I'm sorry to hear about your day. That is too much to have happen to you all at once. I know about dentist anxiety, too. Did you go through Lamaz(sp?) when you gave birth? It might help to do the breathing . . . just a thought.
I don't have much time right now. I'm off work early so that I can go celebrate my son's 34th birthday with him (45mi away). Much to do. I will try to post later tonight. But here's a BIG HUG! ...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on March 16, 2004, at 17:58:29
In reply to Mystic, posted by jlynne on March 16, 2004, at 17:56:33
Did you notice that Simus posted on our old site? Thought you might like to know:) Take care ...jlynne
Posted by mystic on March 16, 2004, at 18:11:05
In reply to Redirected Lexaproers, posted by jlynne on March 13, 2004, at 1:31:16
Jlynne...I went to the old site and didnt see any posts from her maybe I'm all confused and there is another old old site...I came from the one that was redirected..and now i'm in the redirected lexapro site and didnt see her on either one...But anyway I hope that you had a safe trip and that you had fun with your son for his birthday...Catch up to you soon..Mystic
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