Posted by Journeyman on March 15, 2004, at 21:35:27
In reply to RE: Journeyman, posted by mystic on March 14, 2004, at 9:05:51
Hello Mystic,
To answer your question, here's some background.
By April of last year, I was so depressed, there was one day when it was difficult for me to muster up the emotional energy to walk to the park 3 blocks from home and have to interact with people...a very unusual situation for me. I decided to see a therapist, because the oppressive feelings were getting to be too much to deal with.
Started weekly therapy, with good results, but my therapist and I noticed a tendency for me to see-saw between happy and sad phases. Took some diagnostic tests about depression, but they determined my symptoms were classic depression.
My therapist was convinced that my depression was 'organic' - that is, a biologically generated/perpetuated problem and that in order to break the cycle, I should try an AD. She came to that conclusion fairly early on in our sessions, but I was reluctant to medicate myself as I saw it as an admission of defeat. I thought that I should be able to work through it by eating well, exercising, giving myself positive messages, etc. The problem with that approach had always been that things started out well, but depression always depleted my desire to take that kind of good care of myself. In other words, I believed I had the cure, but I couldn't get myself to administer it. Thus, back to the round of spiraling depression I would go. I felt guilty, ashamed, weak, and sometimes nearly hopeless.
Things got worse. June, July, & August had some good moments. Things crashed in September and I suffered terribly for nearly 3 months. Decided to pay a visit to a psychitrist (you'll sometimes see them referred to on this site as 'p/docs').
The p/doc came to the same conclusion my therapist had and wanted me to try Lexapro for a year to see whether the organic cycle could be broken.Nov. 21 - Started taking 5 mg. of Lexapro. I experienced many of the milder side-effects that lots of people have mentioned: slight dizziness, mild headaches (and I never get headaches), diarrhea, sleepiness after lunch, a caffeine-like perkiness at night. These pretty much disappeared by six weeks.
I felt better emotionally almost immediately. Part of that may have just been from the good feelings I had that I was actually doing something new to take care of myself, but whatever it was, it felt good not to be under such an oppressive cloud of angst.
I have continued to feel better and better. I'm enjoying art, music, people, everything, more than I ever have. This in spite of the fact that I am currently undergoing the most difficult time of my life. Were it not for my current therapy, I have no doubt that I would be suicidal under my (formerly) usual circumstances.
The greatest shift in my thinking is related to how I view myself. Prior to my current therapy and Lexapro treatment, I had always sought my role in relationships through what I perceived to be what other people wanted me to be. You want me to be funny - I'll be a clown. You need me to be empathetic - I'll cry for you. Etc. Etc. ad self-destruction. I wanted so badly to please others that I was always the last person I concerned my self with pleasing. I was so finely tuned to other peoples' needs, that I was virtually incapable of listening to my own body and my own thoughts.
Another part of this change has been in the way I view negative events, whether outside myself or in my head. I used to think that acknowledging 'bad' thoughts would magically make them more realistic, more a part of how I would be defined. So I would ignore the negative, focus on only the positive, and be missing half of what was actually going on. I thought the dark and the negative would weaken me.
I now, however, view them as an essential part of me and of everything else that we call life. Without hate, there is no such thing as love...without darkness, there is no such thing as light. They are part of the experience of life, and I now welcome them into my life as wise teachers that can guide me every bit as well as those things we consider to be 'positive.' I no longer fear the thoughts that come into my mind - I invite them to sit with me so that we can get to know each other, and when we do, I stop viewing them as enemies. They, like everything else, are just passing through.
I am still on 5 mg. of Lex. That amount seems to be enough for me. I'm also in two therapy sessions a week, and I do quite a bit of reading. About 5 weeks ago, my therapist declared that I was 'depression-free.' I'll continue the Lex for the year that my p/doc recommends. Then, we'll see from there. As for the therapy, I'll know when I'm ready to stop.
That's a brief summary. Let me know if there's anything else.
When you're falling asleep tonight, maybe you can focus on the light (and the darkness) in you, that has so fortunately brought you to where you are now. There is hope. There is love. There is openness and acceptance. And all three of those things are present not only here on this message board...they're present in you.
May you continue to experience growing peace with yourself.
Journeyman
poster:Journeyman
thread:323847
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040305/msgs/324802.html