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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ELA on January 25, 2002, at 4:13:25
Ok, so yesterday was a pretty good day for me. I felt quite happy and danced about the house to various different songs before suddenly sitting and staring at the wall, slipping into another dark and depressed mood. I even ended up cutting my already damaged wrists again - what's that all about???
One minute I'm perfectly fine and dandy and then the next I've fallen right back down to despair. I just don't understand. It was nice to spend most of the day sitting around watching cartoons and listening to my fave songs and stuff and then suddenly I didn't want to anymore and i went and sat in my room in silence for most of the evening before another night of virtually no sleep.
This morning I am still pretty down and I don't know what went wrong yesterday to cause it. I'm so fed up with it all. :(
Posted by finelinebob on January 25, 2002, at 9:04:34
In reply to good v. bad, posted by ELA on January 25, 2002, at 4:13:25
One of the hardest things for anyone to accept about being depressed is that there may be nothing "rational" about how you feel -- you can't necessarily pick out what you have done that could "cause" you to feel the way you do or act the way you do. For people who aren't depressed, this "irrationality" can make understanding what we're going through impossible to grasp.
As for cutting -- if you haven't heard about it before, a lot of people engage in self-injurious behaviors. Cutting is probably the most common form of it. If you can stop yourself now, even if it means getting rid of anything sharp from your home, do it. As for why people do this ... I don't know if there is any consensus and I'm sure you can get a number of opinions here.
I don't cut, but I've got my own way of hurting myself. I think I do it for control. Because I'm the one doing it, I think I'm in control of the pain -- and that makes me forget the pains I can't control. It doesn't matter that the control is an illusion ... I don't make any conscious decision to do it and once I start, I can't necessarily stop even if I realize what I'm doing. It's not a rational thing to do. Sometimes it just feels good to hurt -- it's not a rational thing to feel.
From what you've been writing, I know **I** would feel completely out-of-control of what was happening to me.
All the more reason to take a step back and take a leave from school if you can. You don't need people pushing you into what you don't want to do.
be well,
flb
Posted by IsoM on January 25, 2002, at 13:01:51
In reply to good v. bad, posted by ELA on January 25, 2002, at 4:13:25
Emma, sometimes the changes in our brain chemistry can sweep us along beyond our conscious effort to control our moods. I need to use illustrations a lot for myself to understand how things work. I liken it to the ocean - the tide moving in & then out twice a day. The flotsam it carries to shore is dragged back & forth with each succesive wave till it's thrown on to the beach. I think of my moods as the flotsam that the waves of brain chemicals wash back & forth. Let me tell you of my mood yesterday.
For two days I've been getting steadily darker feeling. Yesterday before I left for work, I felt *very* black. Coworkers are used to me with a sunny smile & always a bright hello, at the least. Yesterday when they greeted me, I just nodded in return. While I'm black, I don't want to be rude or mean to them, it's my mood - not theirs. One sweet girl even came to hug me, feeling sorry for me & I quickly backed away saying "don't touch me", not like me at all. People really got concerned for me.
Shortly after, I started feeling quite spacey & the lights started looking strange. I could feel a migraine coming on. I went to the pharmacy section & bought some codeine containing painkillers & Gravol & took it so I could continue working. [The actual pain of my migraines have faded as I've gotten older & I rarely vomit anymore.] As my aura passed & before the painkillers had a chance to take effect, my mood was gone!
The black mood was part of the aura preceeding the migraine. This was the first time I ever had an aura start 2 days in advance. Sometimes it's just lights but other times it can include weird smells, sounds distortion & irritability, but never this black or long. My head's still sore this morning but I'm not black anymore.
Talking with another coworker as I worked, I told her I feel like a freak - black & glowering, then cheerful & talkative, all in a matter of a half hour! She was very understanding & said not to worry. But that's what I feel like at times - a freak that's controlled by her brain but not her mind.
I'm sure you're feeling very similar but there's others like us. All the determination in the world can't stop what's happening in our brains sometimes. Accept the dark spells for now, knowing they'll pass & the light moods will return. Why not use this experience as an opportunity to write about it. I don't doubt that your writing ability is good & something like this is a unique insight into our psyche.
Posted by ELA on January 26, 2002, at 3:07:25
In reply to Re: good v. bad » ELA, posted by IsoM on January 25, 2002, at 13:01:51
> Talking with another coworker as I worked, I told her I feel like a freak - black & glowering, then cheerful & talkative, all in a matter of a half hour! She was very understanding & said not to worry. But that's what I feel like at times - a freak that's controlled by her brain but not her mind.
This is exactly how I've been feeling at the moment. The thing that's getting to me most at the moment is that I know I'm slipping into one of my dark moods and I still can't stop it. And then whilst 'm in it, I can hear a voice in my mind saying what's this all about then? So annoying.
Yesterday did get a bit better - my brother is 9 years younger than me and is not quite grown up enough yet to not want to "play" with me sometimes. We ended up drawing moustaches and funny glasses on each other's faces with big black pens last night for no particular reason; my mother came in, took one look, burst out laughing and then went out again!
As for what you said about writing about these moods, well I do. Lots. I have kept a diary since I was 9 and as reading and writing are such big parts of my life I tend to put everything down in my diary. I sat and read back through the last few months yesteday actually. Still doesn't make any sense to me. The feelings and experiences are all there, just the reason WHY is still lacking and I think that I am now starting to realise that I may never ever find that.
Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it. I hope your head feels better soon!
Emma.
Posted by IsoM on January 26, 2002, at 3:29:49
In reply to writing » IsoM, posted by ELA on January 26, 2002, at 3:07:25
Emma, do me a favour? With your younger brother, draw a cat on his stomach. Doesn't have to be fancy, but it has to be a back view of a cat facing forward. You draw it with its tail in the air, looking back over its shoulder at you. You must use the person's navel as the cat's butt-hole.
I used to draw that on my kids' stomachs with non-toxic markers when they were young & neighbour kids used to come over for one on their stomachs too. I never did find out what the parents thought.
I, too, can never do or feel anything without the other part of me clinically watching & noting everything. Even when I've been in the depths of despair & howled with pain of soul, that bothersome part of me would say "do you realise you sound like an idiot?" She is me, but she never leaves me alone.
Posted by ELA on January 26, 2002, at 3:39:40
In reply to =^..^= Pix On Tummy » ELA, posted by IsoM on January 26, 2002, at 3:29:49
> Emma, do me a favour? With your younger brother, draw a cat on his stomach. Doesn't have to be fancy, but it has to be a back view of a cat facing forward. You draw it with its tail in the air, looking back over its shoulder at you. You must use the person's navel as the cat's butt-hole.
>
> I used to draw that on my kids' stomachs with non-toxic markers when they were young & neighbour kids used to come over for one on their stomachs too. I never did find out what the parents thought.
>
> I, too, can never do or feel anything without the other part of me clinically watching & noting everything. Even when I've been in the depths of despair & howled with pain of soul, that bothersome part of me would say "do you realise you sound like an idiot?" She is me, but she never leaves me alone.
Posted by Fi on January 27, 2002, at 13:14:35
In reply to good v. bad, posted by ELA on January 25, 2002, at 4:13:25
Its tantalising to have a good day then feel awful again. But its how it goes- up and down without obvious reason. If possible, relish the good times at the time, and see them as a rest. Hopefully they will last, but dont expect them to (tho gradually they should, as you get better).
Leave the worrying about the 'whys' to the time with your counsellor, tho there may not be any reason.
Put a very high value on yourself- any other way of relieving tension which isnt cutting is a better idea! Whether its shouting at the wall, slapping paint on paper (doesnt have to be proper 'art'), dancing to loud music or whatever. Or anything that will distract you till you feel a bit better.
Anyway, remember that you have recent experience of feeling fine- this is real evidence you *can* feel fine, and should do more in future.
Fi
Posted by pedr on January 28, 2002, at 7:38:45
In reply to good v. bad, posted by ELA on January 25, 2002, at 4:13:25
> Ok, so yesterday was a pretty good day for me. I felt quite happy and danced about the house to various different songs before suddenly sitting and staring at the wall, slipping into another dark and depressed mood. I even ended up cutting my already damaged wrists again - what's that all about???
>
> One minute I'm perfectly fine and dandy and then the next I've fallen right back down to despair. I just don't understand. It was nice to spend most of the day sitting around watching cartoons and listening to my fave songs and stuff and then suddenly I didn't want to anymore and i went and sat in my room in silence for most of the evening before another night of virtually no sleep.
>
> This morning I am still pretty down and I don't know what went wrong yesterday to cause it. I'm so fed up with it all. :(ELA,
sounds very familiar to me. Take last Sunday. Relaxing at home I was looking forwards to the live footie game on telly, it promised to be an excellent game.Within 5 minutes of kick-off I'd stealthily convinced myself that the match would be boring [or something similar] and slipped into a very deep depression for the rest of the day. It was infuriating and sickening - the match was excellent but the sophisticated saboteur that is my depression slipped in and nailed me.
Like you I was left wondering how bonkers it is to slip into a deep depression over something I'd been looking forwards to. As others have said in their replies, it is likely to be the biological aspect of my depression and there is no way to accurately predict what it's going to do or when.
Best wishes,
pete.
Posted by Lyrical13 on December 26, 2003, at 1:20:38
In reply to writing » IsoM, posted by ELA on January 26, 2002, at 3:07:25
I write in spurts. I don't do the daily diary thing but when I'm feeling overwhelmed or angry or in despair and have the energy to pick up a pen, I write. It's a rather long process because often I get side-tracked in thought as I'm writing (so distractable and difficulty concentrating when I'm in a bad place)And then often I cry a lot while I'm writing. But it is very cathartic. I used to write a lot of poetry and I haven't in a long time. I sometimes wonder if being medicated takes that creative writing ability out of me. I'm still a creative person in other ways though.
As far as the dark moods go...it's so crazy... when the depression hits it just sucks all the confidence and self-esteem and good thoughts out of you. I'm normally a positive person who tries to see the good in situations and people, but when I'm in that place it's so hard...I take everything more personally and worry about every little thing. I also get very panicky and have difficulty being alone. I dont' want to do much I just want someone else around. My husband is very understanding about this. This fall he made sure he was home when I was going to be getting home from work. I find myself having this irrational panic when he would even leave to go to the store or go to work. In my mind I would know that he would be home in a little while, but I would just panic and feel such despair. My rational mind would think "This is so crazy. You know he's coming back. you usually like some alone time. What's the matter with you?" I have to try very hard not to beat myself up. I know it's the depression but it doesn't change how I feel. ONe day, when I was starting to do much better, I had a crazy day...nothing went according to plan and it was very hectic. I was doing pretty well rolling with the punches (which is amazing..I've discovered that when I am going through a difficult time, I have a much harder time dealing with change and transitions etdc) Anyway, I got to my therapists office and was about 5 min late. I signed in and sat down to wait. After about 10 min she hadn't come to get me so I started to worry. I thought maybe she was trying to teach me a lesson about being late and so was making me wait. AFter 20 min I was really feeling neglected and I thought maybe her previous appt was running way over (she usually gets me within about 5-10 min of arrival) after 30 min I finally got up and went to the counter and the receptionist starting apologizing profusely..basically she had to go home for an emergency and they had tried to contact everyone but I had run several errands between work and the appt so I never got the message. My rational self thought "no big deal, things happen, I'll talk to her tomorrow and reschedule" But I barely made it out the door of the office before I started sobbing. I had to sit in my car for a while before I calmed down enough to drive home. When I got home, my husband wasn't home. My rational mind said, "he's probably just at the store..he wasn't expecting me home yet...he'll be home shortly...I'll be fine..I'll just feed the dog, etc and he'll be home soon" But I still found myself sobbing in the car in the driveway for a while before I could pull myself together enough to go inside and start going through the motions--hang up coat, put lunch stuff away, let dog out, check messages, etc. It was so frustrating because in my mind I knew that this was not a major tragedy but emotionally I was a wreck.
My co-worker has a friend with depression and she wrote a poem that describes depression as a wolf that comes and gobbles up all her happy thoughts. I think that's a very good description of it.
Anyway, you're not alone in your experiences. I think that's the best thing about this site. Finding out that there are others that think and feel and experience the same sorts of things...I don't feel so alone or so "crazy".
Lyrical13
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