Posted by Lyrical13 on December 26, 2003, at 1:20:38
In reply to writing » IsoM, posted by ELA on January 26, 2002, at 3:07:25
I write in spurts. I don't do the daily diary thing but when I'm feeling overwhelmed or angry or in despair and have the energy to pick up a pen, I write. It's a rather long process because often I get side-tracked in thought as I'm writing (so distractable and difficulty concentrating when I'm in a bad place)And then often I cry a lot while I'm writing. But it is very cathartic. I used to write a lot of poetry and I haven't in a long time. I sometimes wonder if being medicated takes that creative writing ability out of me. I'm still a creative person in other ways though.
As far as the dark moods go...it's so crazy... when the depression hits it just sucks all the confidence and self-esteem and good thoughts out of you. I'm normally a positive person who tries to see the good in situations and people, but when I'm in that place it's so hard...I take everything more personally and worry about every little thing. I also get very panicky and have difficulty being alone. I dont' want to do much I just want someone else around. My husband is very understanding about this. This fall he made sure he was home when I was going to be getting home from work. I find myself having this irrational panic when he would even leave to go to the store or go to work. In my mind I would know that he would be home in a little while, but I would just panic and feel such despair. My rational mind would think "This is so crazy. You know he's coming back. you usually like some alone time. What's the matter with you?" I have to try very hard not to beat myself up. I know it's the depression but it doesn't change how I feel. ONe day, when I was starting to do much better, I had a crazy day...nothing went according to plan and it was very hectic. I was doing pretty well rolling with the punches (which is amazing..I've discovered that when I am going through a difficult time, I have a much harder time dealing with change and transitions etdc) Anyway, I got to my therapists office and was about 5 min late. I signed in and sat down to wait. After about 10 min she hadn't come to get me so I started to worry. I thought maybe she was trying to teach me a lesson about being late and so was making me wait. AFter 20 min I was really feeling neglected and I thought maybe her previous appt was running way over (she usually gets me within about 5-10 min of arrival) after 30 min I finally got up and went to the counter and the receptionist starting apologizing profusely..basically she had to go home for an emergency and they had tried to contact everyone but I had run several errands between work and the appt so I never got the message. My rational self thought "no big deal, things happen, I'll talk to her tomorrow and reschedule" But I barely made it out the door of the office before I started sobbing. I had to sit in my car for a while before I calmed down enough to drive home. When I got home, my husband wasn't home. My rational mind said, "he's probably just at the store..he wasn't expecting me home yet...he'll be home shortly...I'll be fine..I'll just feed the dog, etc and he'll be home soon" But I still found myself sobbing in the car in the driveway for a while before I could pull myself together enough to go inside and start going through the motions--hang up coat, put lunch stuff away, let dog out, check messages, etc. It was so frustrating because in my mind I knew that this was not a major tragedy but emotionally I was a wreck.
My co-worker has a friend with depression and she wrote a poem that describes depression as a wolf that comes and gobbles up all her happy thoughts. I think that's a very good description of it.
Anyway, you're not alone in your experiences. I think that's the best thing about this site. Finding out that there are others that think and feel and experience the same sorts of things...I don't feel so alone or so "crazy".
Lyrical13
poster:Lyrical13
thread:17188
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031217/msgs/293460.html