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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Emme on December 16, 2003, at 8:06:34
Hi All,
I’ve seen a few threads on career stuff here and really need to rant myself. Massively. I think this rant is going to be really really self-pitying, negative, long, and incoherent. I didn’t come back to PSB intending to go on a grump-fest, but it’s just oozing out like crazy.
Here we go. I’m in my late 30’s, single, wanting a family verrry badly, and in career crisis. Work issues are obviously first on the list because I have to pay the rent. I am sure it’s fueling my depression, and vice versa.I’ve gone to career counselors, taken all the tests, and we came to the mutual conclusion that we were spinning our wheels – and they are expensive. I just can’t seem to make up my mind about what I want to do, have a hard time thinking of creative career options, have a lot of preconceived fears about jobs and the job market, and can’t seem to muster up the drive and motivation to research possibilities and I haven’t had it in me to even take on volunteer work (I think *part* of that is the depression and part my own personality.).
I just can’t seem to break through this logjam for anything. I want to feel enthusiastic about what I ultimately do, but I don’t feel enthusiastic about doing much of anything. Except maybe a faculty position or a position in a good government lab. I’m submitting applications, but I suspect my CV has suffered too much to make me really competitive.
My job ended nine months ago and I’m paranoid that that’ll make me unattractive to potential employers. My depression was already difficult and spiraled pretty badly once I was out of work for longer than a few months. But one can’t say “I took so long because I was incapacitated by a mood disorder.” Sure way to get your resume tossed into the circular file cabinet. I can try to puff up a few things, but they don’t fully account for my lost time. I’m steamed and dismayed that this illness and my own indecisiveness have derailed so much of my life.
Want to hear something neurotic? I’m jealous of a lot of people, and that includes my pdoc and my therapist. I look at them and see that they are both skilled and successful at something they feel strongly about. I want to be in their shoes. It’s eating me up not having myself on track where I’ve developed a solid career and a feeling of competence at something worthwhile. Maybe I’m just beating myself up, but there it is. The obnoxious overachiever side is screaming bloody murder and the depressed side is saying “I give up, I can’t deal with the pain anymore, let’s get out of here!”
BTW, I second the person who said they’d like to go back to school and get an MSW and become a therapist. I feel the timing isn’t right for more schooling though.
And then there’s not having a partner and child eating me up just as much and making me feel more aberrant. I’m living on savings which are rapidly dwindling, accepting help from my father who shouldn’t have to do this for me at his age, driving an old car which is in the shop, need new glasses, expect a large rent increase, am halfway through my COBRA, and have a $1000 deductible on out-of-network mental health, which means I’m not yet sure if I can afford to see my therapist after the new year. I know that things could certainly be way worse, but I do feel like a train wreck that’s going to happen soon. Moving in with family isn’t an option. Am I going to end up on the street? I’m working on getting a certificate to become a substitute teacher, but that won’t pay a lot. Frankly, my sense of self respect and confidence are shot to “a very hot place”.
Okay, I’m done. Thank you for tuning in. Mega-thanks to anyone who had the patience to read. Maybe I’ll feel more in control tomorrow. Have a good Tuesday.
Emme
Posted by Susan J on December 16, 2003, at 10:08:12
In reply to Yet another career thread (long), posted by Emme on December 16, 2003, at 8:06:34
Hi, Emme!
> My job ended nine months ago and I’m paranoid that that’ll make me unattractive to potential employers. My depression was already difficult and spiraled pretty badly once I was out of work for longer than a few months. But one can’t say “I took so long because I was incapacitated by a mood disorder.”
<<You are in the States, right? Lots of people have lost jobs now because of the economy. It is *not* an indicator of ability. It's an indicator of the economy.You could say at interviews or in your cover letter that you didn't *have* to work, so you've been spending time looking for the right job, the right fit. Heck, you could be married and have a husband who's salary is very high.....a potential employer doesn't have to know that. And they are not allowed to ask it.
I know a lot's going on in your life right now, but focusing on the job hunt might help a bit. At least where income/insurance is concerned. And I can't emphasize enough that a period of *not* working is not going to hurt you nearly as much as you fear.
And once you get a job, finding one that really fits you well is a lot easier when you've got the security of a paycheck.
Good luck, I'm thinking of ya,
Susan
Posted by octopusprime on December 16, 2003, at 10:33:19
In reply to Yet another career thread (long), posted by Emme on December 16, 2003, at 8:06:34
Emme -
boy i can empathize!
however, not all hope is lost.
i was unemployed and single from fall 2001 to summer 2002. 9 months out of work is extremely tough. i have no doubt it is fuelling your depression: i was suicidally depressed at the time.
however, my resume was not tossed in the trash, even after a long hiatus. with the economy the way it is, you are one of millions of long-term unemployed.
i got a good job, with benefits, in a field that was somewhat related to my previous experience. people took me in and trained me in a new field. i thought laterally when applying for jobs, and applied for a position where some of my skills were relevant, and others i wound up being naturally disposed to develop.
now i am in canada, so my mental health care experience will differ from yours, but my doctor gave me some free meds (the expensive ones were free), and my med cost was $20/mo. i received some free counseling once a month as well. (i also got to see a pdoc a few times).
getting your meds is a priority, even if you can't afford therapy, you must take the meds.
please hang on. lots of people here are rooting for you. once you are working again, you can start getting the rest of your life together (it takes time!)
good luck. are there free job-seeking clubs through the unemployment insurance office?
Posted by Emme on December 16, 2003, at 11:31:40
In reply to a story, posted by octopusprime on December 16, 2003, at 10:33:19
Thanks for the enouragement and suggestions. Much appreciated! It helps just to believe that all's not hopeless because it's been a while since my fellowship ended.
BTW, I like your screen name Octopusprime.
I think tomorrow wll be better than today. It has to be. If for no other reason than that I just found out that I have a $660.00 car repair! Distributor.
Emme
Posted by noa on December 16, 2003, at 18:35:39
In reply to Yet another career thread (long), posted by Emme on December 16, 2003, at 8:06:34
>>>The obnoxious overachiever side is screaming bloody murder and the depressed side is saying “I give up, I can’t deal with the pain anymore, let’s get out of here!”
You need to focus on the middle of that continuum more, some sort of middle ground between the dichotomy.
Also, when you look at and compare yourself to people with careers well on their way, you are setting yourself up to feel inadequate because you have to start at the beginning, just as everyone does. They did, too, obviously (I know you "know" this but your emotional side probably needs reminding)---it is just that right now it isn't readily apparent that they once were beginners too. You seem to be wanting to expect yourself to have the new career and new skills fully formed, and not allow yourself to be a beginner. That is asking too much of yourself, I think.
How about not pressuring yourself to decide on a career path right now, but focus on a short term job goal. Maybe when you are feeling stronger, you'll be able to envision more of a career path.
As my therapist recently reminded me, "it is important to remember that you do have a depressive disorder". It was very helpful to me when he said this, to remind me to go easier on the pressures I was putting on myself in terms of what I expect of myself at this time.
Posted by Emme on December 17, 2003, at 9:32:30
In reply to Re: Yet another career thread (long), posted by noa on December 16, 2003, at 18:35:39
Hi Noa,
I reread my post from yesterday. All the same worries are definitely still here, but they sure were in high gear yesterday! Fortunately I'm too exhausted from a brutal kickboxing class last night to think too hard today. :)
> You need to focus on the middle of that continuum more, some sort of middle ground between the dichotomy.
Maybe that will be the topic of discussion with my next appointment with my therapist. I should be able to get in a couple more before the new year.
> Also, when you look at and compare yourself to people with careers well on their way, you are setting yourself up to feel inadequate because you have to start at the beginning, just as everyone does. They did, too, obviously (I know you "know" this but your emotional side probably needs reminding)
That's true, the reminding never hurts. I tend to forget that they may have had periods of feeling green and inexperienced. I do think I'd have an easier time with the idea of being a beginner at something myself if I were a bit younger. I've been reminded that nowadays people change career tracks all the time and at all ages.
> You seem to be wanting to expect yourself to have the new career and new skills fully formed, and not allow yourself to be a beginner. That is asking too much of yourself, I think.
I think part of that is because I have lost time to my mood disorder. So I feel a tremendous need to make up for lost time.
> How about not pressuring yourself to decide on a career path right now, but focus on a short term job goal. Maybe when you are feeling stronger, you'll be able to envision more of a career path.
My pdoc says I should think about baby steps. My cousin says that. Everyone says that. I do get grumpy at the idea. But the majority may have a point. I think my objective at the moment is to have some part time flexible work to bring in a little money and still allow me time to research real job ideas. Enter the idea of trying to be a sub. teacher. I realize this may be like feeding myself to a bunch of pirhanas - I remember what we did to subs in high school. :) But I'll give it a whirl.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Emme
Posted by noa on December 20, 2003, at 15:05:36
In reply to Re: Yet another career thread (long) » noa, posted by Emme on December 17, 2003, at 9:32:30
Kickboxing?
I admire you for that! Today I have been thinking vaguely of going to the gym. It has been months since my last feeble visit there. I'm one of those members who make the gym owners rich---they take my monthly fee electronically and I never show up! If I go, I'll be lucky to get a few minutes of exercise in before feeling exhausted.
> ...I have lost time to my mood disorder.
Me, too. Major grief theme for me. Decades lost. Possibly the chance to be a parent.
> I think my objective at the moment is to have some part time flexible work to bring in a little money and still allow me time to research real job ideas. Enter the idea of trying to be a sub. teacher. I realize this may be like feeding myself to a bunch of pirhanas - I remember what we did to subs in high school. :) But I'll give it a whirl.
Sounds like a plan!
This is the end of the thread.
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