![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 22 to 46 of 46. Go back in thread:
Posted by Zarah78 on October 17, 2003, at 21:30:35
In reply to Scary Internet Dating, posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
I was going to reply to this post yesterday while I was at work, but then someone wandered in and gave me something to do and then the site went goofy and well.. procrastination is king, no? :)
Anyway, I've been doing the internet "meeting/dating" thing for a few years now and can understand your frustration with the "freaks and weirdos" ratio of response. I'd agree with the poster (I'm sorry, I forgot who!) who suggested going to a hobby site or something of that nature thats more in line with helping find people with something in common. Dating sites, I've noticed seem to get a lot more hits from the scary folks. Also, definitely meet in a public place, but I'd suggest doing so after talking on the phone with the guy a few dozen times prior. Cell phones are best for that, I think, because its harder for a stalker to run to the net and do a reverse phone lookup and get your address. Phone converstaions will give you a better idea of who someone is, IMO. And I usually ask a few repeated questions to get an idea of honesty. "How old did you say you were?" "You have.. 3 sisters, 2 cats? Or 2 sisters, 3 cats?" Always keeping in mind how they answered before. If stories start changing, "I coulda sworn you said X before..." and see what happens. Easy to block a # from calling you with a cell after you've hung up, if you've decided he's far from perfect. :)
And if a guy gets too pushy to meet you in person sooner than your comfortable, let him know! If he gets snippy, be careful, maybe find out why he's being like that and explain your opinions. :)
They aren't all bad! I'm still dating a guy I met in May '02. And before that, I almost married a guy I'd met online after dating for over 2.5 yrs (we're still friends). These days, its hard to find a good place to meet good people, it seems. Bars.. clubs.. all noisy. Work.. coworker dating can get ugly. Could take a class? Not really many good places anymore. Then there's the whole depression/not wanting to leave the house issue to deal with.
I wish you the best of luck! :)
(((SusanJ)))-Z
Who still uses internet dating in spite of the stalkers and weirdos!
Posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 10:19:00
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating » Susan J, posted by jay on October 17, 2003, at 21:02:14
Jay,
> I just first wanted to say thanx for the very nice supportive posts you gave to me when I was in very dark times. It means a lot...seriously.
<<Of course. I hope something I said was comforting. :-)> My last experience was with a gal who, about halfway through our 'date', divulged she was married. (Well...separated...but for two weeks!!!)
<<Yeah, I'm a little worried about that, but like I said before, I can look up marriage records to see if someone's still married. Fortunately, I've never really run into dating a married guy (as far as I know).
>>but I *always* end up dating woman who seem to be in some kind of marriage problem, and often aren't even "divorced".
<<Do you have any idea *why* that happens to you? Like my own pattern, I end up doing everything for the guy and get nothing in return. It doesn't start out that way, but always seems to end that way. I don't know how I get myself into it....time and time again.>>uh, 'horizontal gymnastics'...heheh. Even for a guy, that is also a very dangerous thing to do these days.
<<Yes, it is. Although it seems casual sex has made a huge comeback in the past several years. A bit scary to me. I learned a great deal from the misfortune of a friend of mine back in college, who was dating a *med* student! Even though she practiced very safe sex, condoms and more, she still ended up with genital warts. *My* lesson learned, you gotta like/care about/love the guy enough to risk contracting something, something permanent, or perhaps even something fatal. Really puts a damper on that casual stuff. :-)> So...that leads me to know....lonely and ya a bit sad because of it, but I always keep the spark alive by saying "SOMETHING will come up..", as that has been what got me through my deepest, darkest depressive and anxiety states.
<<I know the feeling. But I am actually *not* lonely right now. (Trust me, that's a new one for me, who's the biggest romantic of all and believes in soul mates and all that). I'm feeling better than I have in years, seem fairly happy, and figured this is the *best* time to try and find a guy.>> And...that is yet another story of a lonely guy hanging out in pixilated space! Maybe I should try Yoga classes?!?! So...what is your sign?...heheee..lol
<<Hahahh! I always thought it was easier for a guy to get a date than a woman, since men generally do the asking. Not?One *bad* thing I've heard for men on the net, though. Did I write this already? If so, I apologize. I have a male friend who wasn't getting many responses when he listed his salary as around $50,000 on one of these sites (avg. salary in this area is about $45,000 for a man). But when he increased it to $150,000 to see what would happen (and changed nothing else), he got *tons* of inquiries. I felt really sorry for him, and really concerned that so many women seem to care so strongly about money.
Good luck with everything. :-)
Susan
Posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 10:27:53
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating » Liligoth, posted by madwand on October 17, 2003, at 20:15:31
> I confess I was curious the same thing (i.e., why would the feather boa and feminine shirt be a problem).
<<I don't think that's a *problem* per se but more a matter of preference. I too would admire his self confidence and honesty and openness, but it doesn't mean I'd want to date him.
I'm not turned off by height, weight, facial features, hair or lack thereof. But I think an overly-feminine dressing man would not be my cup of tea. The same as a I'd be turned off by a man who didn't bathe on a regular basis. It's just not somebody that I would want to be physically affectionate with, and perhaps would make a great friend, but not a great lover/partner for me.
Yes, that might be my loss. But I don't think it's something I can overcome. And a guy who is most comfortable expressing his feminine side that way deserves a better, or more compatible partner, than me.
Posted by madwand on October 18, 2003, at 10:38:18
In reply to The boa » madwand, posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 10:27:53
Congratulations on being honest with yourself about would work and not work. But I am confused. I thought it was Wildflower who had the feather boa encounter.
Perhaps this guy just gets around?? :)Michael
Posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 10:40:20
In reply to Re: The boa (I am lost) » Susan J, posted by madwand on October 18, 2003, at 10:38:18
> Congratulations on being honest with yourself about would work and not work. But I am confused. I thought it was Wildflower who had the feather boa encounter.
> Perhaps this guy just gets around?? :)
>
> Michael<<LOL! No, I was just empathizing with what I thought Wildflower was feeling about that guy. That's all.
Susan
Posted by cybercafe on October 18, 2003, at 19:08:27
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating » Susan J, posted by jay on October 17, 2003, at 21:02:14
> I just first wanted to say thanx for the very nice supportive posts you gave to me when I was in very dark times. It means a lot...seriously.
>
> About Internet dating...oyyyy. Well, I am a single 33 year old guy, and have had some very, uh, 'eclectic' internet dating experiences. I *always* figure I have to impress who I go out with...even if I have no idea what they look like beforehand. (Like you said...that's not really important anyways.) My last experience was with a gal who, about halfway through our 'date', divulged she was married. (Well...separated...but for two weeks!!!) She really came on strong to me too, but then little details about her situation slipped out and I was just very turned off. You know, I have been told I look young for my age, and I keep myself well, but I *always* end up dating woman who seem to be in some kind of marriage problem, and often aren't even "divorced". I understand that at this age group that is bound to happen, but I am still naive for letting it all happen. I am broke half the time because I like to treat a gal well...and have some fun by going to the 'big city' (In my case..Toronto), and I don't just look for a casual "encounter" by getting some cheap hotel room and plan on spending the day there doing, uh, 'horizontal gymnastics'...heheh. Even for a guy, that is also a very dangerous thing to do these days. Although, as a bit of a joke, having worked in social work, I have a police clearance certificate and I always bring it with me and my i.d. and show it to whomever I am going out with..lol.
>
> So...that leads me to know....lonely and ya a bit sad because of it, but I always keep the spark alive by saying "SOMETHING will come up..", as that has been what got me through my deepest, darkest depressive and anxiety states. And...that is yet another story of a lonely guy hanging out in pixilated space! Maybe I should try Yoga classes?!?! So...what is your sign?...heheee..lol
>
> Peace and light,
> Jay
just between you and me... i seem to get a lot of dates but if there isn't a big intellectual connection females seem to lose interest......after reading these posts i had no idea it was the norm to be so overtly sexual .......... it just seems like a fine line to me between showing interested/keeping them interested and coming off like an intimidating sex crazed maniac ....
can you guys offer cybercafe any tips for initiating romance but not coming off too creepy?
oh and anyone come across any free dating websites?
Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2003, at 9:08:42
In reply to I love this thread :), posted by cybercafe on October 18, 2003, at 19:08:27
If no hobbies or religious activities appeal? Short term commitment and you start off with something in common.
Dinah (who knows nothing at all about dating)
Posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 10:24:10
In reply to Re: How about political volunteering?, posted by Dinah on October 19, 2003, at 9:08:42
> If no hobbies or religious activities appeal? Short term commitment and you start off with something in common.
>
> Dinah (who knows nothing at all about dating)<<I, personally, would *love* to do that, but I work in the political field as a nonpartisan staff, and I'm not allowed to publicly endorse/campaign/contribute/or work for any political candidate or cause that might be deemed supporting one party over another. :-(
Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2003, at 10:25:33
In reply to Re: How about political volunteering? » Dinah, posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 10:24:10
Posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 10:30:35
In reply to I love this thread :), posted by cybercafe on October 18, 2003, at 19:08:27
Hi, Cyber,
>>can you guys offer cybercafe any tips for initiating romance but not coming off too creepy?
<<I think it's all a matter of taste. Afterall, two very sexually agressive people would just *love* to meet one another. So it's best to be true to your own tastes.There is a fine art of flirting, which I have nowhere near mastered, that makes the other person feel wonderful and attractive without the flirtation being obviously sexual.
For me, saying someone is pretty or handsome is safe. Commenting on eyes is safe. And flattering. Saying someone's perfume or cologne smells wonderful is safe, yet comments on attraction. Any other body part is a little creepy to me.
All the other stuff should wait until two people know each other pretty darned well, as far as I'm concerned. :-)
Susan
Posted by cybercafe on October 19, 2003, at 13:20:25
In reply to Re: I love this thread :) » cybercafe, posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 10:30:35
> <<I think it's all a matter of taste. Afterall, two very sexually agressive people would just *love* to meet one another. So it's best to be true to your own tastes.
that is so true.... but my tastes often are dependent on which med i am taking
> There is a fine art of flirting, which I have nowhere near mastered, that makes the other person feel wonderful and attractive without the flirtation being obviously sexual.hey i learned a lot from your post, please feel free to share your wisedom
> For me, saying someone is pretty or handsome is safe. Commenting on eyes is safe. And flattering. Saying someone's perfume or cologne smells wonderful is safe, yet comments on attraction. Any other body part is a little creepy to me.this is great stuff... thanks :)
so much better than the old brain freeze
> All the other stuff should wait until two people know each other pretty darned well, as far as I'm concerned. :-)cool....... how long does it usually take to reach that level of intimacy, i see a lot of people expecting it on the first date?
Posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 13:30:32
In reply to Re: I love this thread :), posted by cybercafe on October 19, 2003, at 13:20:25
Hi, Cyber,
> All the other stuff should wait until two people know each other pretty darned well, as far as I'm concerned. :-)
cool....... how long does it usually take to reach that level of intimacy, i see a lot of people expecting it on the first date?
<<I really don't know. I'm 36 and came of age in the 80s with AIDS. So I'm a bit cautious about getting intimate too fast. What age group are you in? I know folks in their 20s are more casual about the hookups than I am. And people in their 40s and 50s, baby boomers, same thing with them. The free love 60s and all that. So I kind of feel like the abberation...
The best, most respectful relationships for *me* started as a date where we could talk forever and there was definitely sexual chemistry. Like I *wanted* to go home with the guy that night, but we waited.....and the waiting is cool! I think it's definitely worth *not* giving in to instant gratification. Sexual tension builds up, you get to do the kissing thing for a few dates, you get to know the person better.
And I guess for me, the level of verbal intimacy/raciness/whatever, directly corresponds to the level of physical intimacy that's going on. If either gets too far ahead of the other, it's stressful for me.
But this all brings up another question I'm wondering about.....you said your tastes depended on what mood/meds you had/were on? How do *I* or when do I bring up to a guy that I've been dealing with major depression for the past 2 years, and probably will have to deal with it in some form for the rest of my life? Talk about mood killer..... :-)
Susan
Posted by octopusprime on October 19, 2003, at 13:33:28
In reply to Re: How about political volunteering?, posted by Dinah on October 19, 2003, at 9:08:42
i've done a lot of political volunteering in my day, but i never found this to be a fruitful way to get dates. many are too old, too young, too kooky, or too picky (that's me!).
it didn't help that i crashed my car with a cute volunteer in it while delivering signs! did you know that hallmark doesn't make an "i'm sorry i nearly killed you" card?
don't mind my off-topic rant. i should volunteer again. i'm waiting for the next election to roll around.
> If no hobbies or religious activities appeal? Short term commitment and you start off with something in common.
>
> Dinah (who knows nothing at all about dating)
Posted by octopusprime on October 19, 2003, at 13:40:59
In reply to Re: I love this thread :) » cybercafe, posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 13:30:32
>
> But this all brings up another question I'm wondering about.....you said your tastes depended on what mood/meds you had/were on? How do *I* or when do I bring up to a guy that I've been dealing with major depression for the past 2 years, and probably will have to deal with it in some form for the rest of my life? Talk about mood killer..... :-)Susan, I just wanted to comment on this myself. The last time I did the dating thing, I told on the first date. However, he started the whole sharing deep thoughts thing first. (He talked about being in counseling after his wife left him for another man.) :p In retrospect, I should have run far away from that man before I got too deeply involved.
I think I would tell again only where the relationship gets to the point where he sees you taking medication morning and/or night. Then he might be curious as to what the medication is for. I think that sort of thing is strictly on a need-to-know basis at first. It may be months before you're really emotionally intimate enough to explain what it means to you.
I know next time around I will be much more reticent about spilling the depression beans. I just have to be mysterious about myself until then, so my dates don't know I've been spending many of my weekends in my PJs!
Shalom
Posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 13:54:53
In reply to Re: when to talk about depression, posted by octopusprime on October 19, 2003, at 13:40:59
Hello!
>> I think I would tell again only where the relationship gets to the point where he sees you taking medication morning and/or night. Then he might be curious as to what the medication is for. I think that sort of thing is strictly on a need-to-know basis at first. It may be months before you're really emotionally intimate enough to explain what it means to you.
<<I agree it's pretty much a need-to-know thing. I haven't shared this struggle with more than my family and some close friends.But I don't know when it changes from being a private issue for me to being something that I have wrongly withheld from someone. At what point would the guy feel like he's been lied to?
Or, another thing. I feel really good right now, but it doesn't mean I don't have my super-low days, get cranky, don't want to talk, or even more often, just don't feel like doing a lot of stuff on any particular day. Any person that I start seeing on a regular basis is going to *notice* that stuff.
>> I know next time around I will be much more reticent about spilling the depression beans. I just have to be mysterious about myself until then, so my dates don't know I've been spending many of my weekends in my PJs!
<<Good advice! I guess I am really open to certain people about things. I sometimes (often!) tell too much!An old boss once told me, discretion is the better part of valor. :-) I shoulda taken the hint back then!
Susan
>
> Shalom
Posted by octopusprime on October 19, 2003, at 14:08:31
In reply to Re: when to talk about depression, posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 13:54:53
> <<I agree it's pretty much a need-to-know thing. I haven't shared this struggle with more than my family and some close friends.
>
> But I don't know when it changes from being a private issue for me to being something that I have wrongly withheld from someone. At what point would the guy feel like he's been lied to?
>
> Or, another thing. I feel really good right now, but it doesn't mean I don't have my super-low days, get cranky, don't want to talk, or even more often, just don't feel like doing a lot of stuff on any particular day. Any person that I start seeing on a regular basis is going to *notice* that stuff.Well Susan I think there is a big difference between lying and omitting.
For example, if you are withdrawing from somebody because of your depression, you could tell him, "I'm not feeling very well. I'm having a bad day. I'll talk to you another day when I'm feeling better." A reasonable person should accept this kind of response. You are not lying about your depression, you're just omitting the cause of your bad feelings. And of course, should you come to disclose the facts about your situation later, the person on the receiving end of those remarks would not feel lied to. Depression makes you feel unwell and have bad days. It would just put more of the puzzle together.
I would put the deadline for disclosure somewhere around the three month mark of a relationship. That seems to be a typical time where most casual dating things turn more serious or fall apart.
I, for one, would just be devastated if I was rejected after I told somebody about my depression. The fact that I have depression is not something I can control. I can manage it, but its existence is uncontrollable. Some people just don't want to hear that. So, you wait until it is "serious" before telling, hoping that all of the good things he has heard about you will outweigh your weakness.
Really, in the grand scheme of things, three months is not that long to wait for disclosure. If you are casually seeing somebody once or twice a week, then that's 12-24 dates. Those are dates you can schedule for your best time of day and day of the week, and you can generally be on your best behaviour. You can bag a few for feeling unwell. And so on. If you get closer, and feel you can trust him, then tell sooner.
Posted by cybercafe on October 19, 2003, at 19:16:15
In reply to Re: I love this thread :) » cybercafe, posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 13:30:32
> <<I really don't know. I'm 36 and came of age in the 80s with AIDS. So I'm a bit cautious about getting intimate too fast. What age group are you in? I know folks in their 20s are more casual about the hookups than I am. And people in their 40s and 50s, baby boomers, same thing with them. The free love 60s and all that. So I kind of feel like the abberation...
yeah i'm in my late 20s
> The best, most respectful relationships for *me* started as a date where we could talk forever and there was definitely sexual chemistry. Like I *wanted* to go home with the guy that night, but we waited.....and the waiting is cool! I think it's definitely worth *not* giving in to instant gratification. Sexual tension builds up, you get to do the kissing thing for a few dates, you get to know the person better.
yeah i have heard that a lot and it definately works.. i mean it's totally cool if you come off confident and complete rather than needy and desperatelet me know if i'm getting too personal but i would love to know what a guy can do to keep the sexual chemistry there ..... i'm wondering about innuendo/teasing, casual touching ... not just what i should be aiming at to be the next cassanova, but at least the basics that is expected
> And I guess for me, the level of verbal intimacy/raciness/whatever, directly corresponds to the level of physical intimacy that's going on. If either gets too far ahead of the other, it's stressful for me.... yeah....... that makes total sense ....
what signals should a guy be looking for ?
> But this all brings up another question I'm wondering about.....you said your tastes depended on what mood/meds you had/were on? How do *I* or when do I bring up to a guy that I've been dealing with major depression for the past 2 years, and probably will have to deal with it in some form for the rest of my life? Talk about mood killer..... :-)SHORT ANSWER: it all depends on the context ... if you are talking positive and confident and display that you can handle life and have all these desirable qualities being a little emotional is only a small part of the whole package you are selling then you are still a very desirable person!
if you are being really negative (and i'm assuming you're feeling pretty good if you can handle dating etc) and really dwell on the depression and act like it is all that you are you are in trouble! then a guy will probably be thinking less long term..... so don't do it :)
i would also look for a natural way to bring it into the conversation if at all ... "oh yeah i'm like that" (no big deal perspective... telling the guy you have many attractive qualities, who cares about this depression thing? look at this girl, she is laughing, she is smiling obviously it's not something he needs to think about) rather than bringing it up out of the blue "wait a minute... i HAVE to tell you something.... and i hope you don't have a problem with this" (big deal perspective... actually convincing the guy that there is something to worry about)
MAJOR LONG ANSWER:
iv'e had this discussion before and i knwo that the best thing is when you are handling depression well... like it's not a factor in your life ... that you mention it in a positive fashion (yes you can do that!) or at least like it's no big deal ...like if you are well and you are coming off confident, happy, positive the other person probably won't believe you suffer from depression anyways..... but if you do bring it up, i would be like "yeah i used to suffer from depression so i understand people a lot better but it's been so long ago and i am so busy with <insert tons of accomplishments here> that it seems like a lifetime ago" .... change subject ......
it's no big deal.... people will accept the reality you present them ... because YOU know about this stuff and they don't ....on the other hand if you make a really big deal out of it ... and are really negative.... and talk like there is no hope or you're not worth getting to know then i think you're in a much much worse situation (the guy LIKES you but you are trying to push him away)
having said that, i talk to a LOT of guys about relationships and women, and they kind of expect this stuff (women to be emotional) so it's not that big a deal.... hey i think for most people they struggle so hard to find someone that they are willing to put up with almost anything rather than have to go out there and go through the whole process again
then there's the really really popular guys who meet tons of women and they also seem way more interested in appearance (smile!)...
ug ...
well i don't know what my diagnose is .... bipolar + anxiety + ADD .... maybe a sleeping disorder?
so i feel comfortable not mentioning stuff because the truth is the doctors don't know! ...but last week i was out with a girl and i was like <positive statement> <arrogant statement> <hopeful statement> "oh yeah it's really interesting because i'm supposedly a genius but i also suffer from a learning disorder" <positive statement about life and future> and she didn't seem affected at all... (remember this stuff is a bigger deal to YOU because YOU are suffering from it ... )
but i was smiling and joking the whole time even when briefly touching on my disorder so it was only natural that she saw my smiling face and laughter and confidence and relaxedness and responded by being happy and relaxed!(then nothing happened because cybercafe didn't know how to advance the chemistry :( )
Posted by cybercafe on October 19, 2003, at 19:31:02
In reply to Re: when to talk about depression, posted by octopusprime on October 19, 2003, at 14:08:31
> > <<I agree it's pretty much a need-to-know thing. I haven't shared this struggle with more than my family and some close friends.
> >
> > But I don't know when it changes from being a private issue for me to being something that I have wrongly withheld from someone. At what point would the guy feel like he's been lied to?
> >
> > Or, another thing. I feel really good right now, but it doesn't mean I don't have my super-low days, get cranky, don't want to talk, or even more often, just don't feel like doing a lot of stuff on any particular day. Any person that I start seeing on a regular basis is going to *notice* that stuff.
>
> Well Susan I think there is a big difference between lying and omitting.
>
> For example, if you are withdrawing from somebody because of your depression, you could tell him, "I'm not feeling very well. I'm having a bad day. I'll talk to you another day when I'm feeling better." A reasonable person should accept this kind of response. You are not lying about your depression, you're just omitting the cause of your bad feelings. And of course, should you come to disclose the facts about your situation later, the person on the receiving end of those remarks would not feel lied to. Depression makes you feel unwell and have bad days. It would just put more of the puzzle together.
>
> I would put the deadline for disclosure somewhere around the three month mark of a relationship. That seems to be a typical time where most casual dating things turn more serious or fall apart.
>
> I, for one, would just be devastated if I was rejected after I told somebody about my depression. The fact that I have depression is not something I can control. I can manage it, but its existence is uncontrollable. Some people just don't want to hear that. So, you wait until it is "serious" before telling, hoping that all of the good things he has heard about you will outweigh your weakness.
>
> Really, in the grand scheme of things, three months is not that long to wait for disclosure. If you are casually seeing somebody once or twice a week, then that's 12-24 dates. Those are dates you can schedule for your best time of day and day of the week, and you can generally be on your best behaviour. You can bag a few for feeling unwell. And so on. If you get closer, and feel you can trust him, then tell sooner.
I totally agree ..... why tell unless it naturally comes up? (in which case i wouldn't want to lie about it because that defeats my casual downplay it strategy)you would be surprised how many bipolar guys i know who go out with quite a few women without any problems (oh yeah, these guys don't take medication either)........ i was able to spot mania right away, but my sane friends just saw this guy as energetic .......
hell i can just imagine wasting my time with the average person
me: "I suffer from depression"
average person: "i don't believe in depression"
me: "you're right... i actually am flawless :)"or
me: "i suffer from depression :("
average person: "yeah sometimes i get a little sad... but then i buy some new clothes and everything is better :)"
me: "uh.... nevermind"re: the morality of the thing - not talking about your faults is normal, dont' feel bad about it
re: needing other people to cut you some slack - totally agree with octopusprime... you're going to get much more understanding if you use phrases the average person understands like "i feel a little burned out" rather than "i suffer from a treatment resistant major depressive disorder"
Posted by Susan J on October 20, 2003, at 8:50:14
In reply to Re: I love this thread :), posted by cybercafe on October 19, 2003, at 19:16:15
Good Morning, Cyber,
> let me know if i'm getting too personal but i would love to know what a guy can do to keep the sexual chemistry there ..... i'm wondering about innuendo/teasing, casual touching ... not just what i should be aiming at to be the next cassanova, but at least the basics that is expected
<<Not too personal to me, just don't know how appropriate it is for this board. Don't want to weird people out. :-)Again, it's personal taste. I like a guy who's mildly agressive but polite about it. I once had a guy tell me that I was *so* beautiful, would it be OK if he kissed me....So I got the mix of being made to feel attractive (to him) and his respecting *my* wishes as to whether he was gonna face-plant on me. :-) It's too oogy when a guy tries to kiss you and you're not ready for that.
After that, if you've seen *Bringing Down the House* with Steve Martin and Queen Latifah? I totally agree with Queen Latifah on how a guy should act in the bedroom. I'm not writing it here. :-)
>.. yeah....... that makes total sense ....
> what signals should a guy be looking for ?
<<I don't know. :-( I probably don't give out good signals, and I don't know what men look for. Eye contact never hurts. If she's able to keep eye contact fairly long, it's a sign she's interested.>> SHORT ANSWER: it all depends on the context ... if you are talking positive and confident and display that you can handle life and have all these desirable qualities being a little emotional is only a small part of the whole package you are selling then you are still a very desirable person!
<<Yeah, but all these adds are looking for bright, upbeat women, great outlook on life, zest for life, fun and happy.I feel more laid back than that most of the time....Nobody thinks I'm sad, though, so I must not be projecting that. And I don't go around saying doomy gloomy stuff either.
>> (then nothing happened because cybercafe didn't know how to advance the chemistry :( )
<<LOL! I don't mean to laugh, it's really very sweet. Call her! (Or did you not get her number?)Susan
Posted by Emme on October 20, 2003, at 9:31:28
In reply to Re: when to talk about depression, posted by octopusprime on October 19, 2003, at 13:40:59
Gee, I haven't dated seriously in over 5 years, due in part to not having the emotional and physical energy to be active enough to meet anyone. Yeah, the random date, but no real matches.
But I've thought about what I would do about disclosure. I figured I'd hold off for a while and then play it by ear depending on how quickly we got to know each other, and if the topic were somehow brought up by him. I'd hope that I was coming off as upbeat as possible. Maybe if I were really depressed I'd end up coming off as droopy. Maybe not. I do think it's a bit of a litmus test. If the guy can't deal with it if, then he's not worth it anyway.
I know I wouldn't be freaked by a guy telling me about his psych problems as long as he didn't spring it on me in the first few dates, was pleasant to be around, and as long as I knew he was getting treated. God knows there's enough people walking around with depression/bipolar/anxiety/whatever that there's a good chance anyone could end up dating one.
I do have one friend that told her boyfriend all about all her difficulties before they even got really involved. She wanted him to know what he was getting into. They stayed together and have a solid marriage. Not how I'd do it, but I guess you never know.....
Posted by cybercafe on October 20, 2003, at 18:12:58
In reply to Re: when to talk about depression, posted by Emme on October 20, 2003, at 9:31:28
>getting treated. God knows there's enough people walking around with depression/bipolar/anxiety/whatever that there's a good chance anyone could end up dating one.
i have had a lot of friends i thought it would be stupid to tell about my problems...... though some people notice very dilated pupils or that you havn't worked for a while....... but i eventually found out that most people i know have one of the following themselves or AT LEAST in their family
1) mood disorders
2) learning disorders
3) alcoholism = mood disorders (but they don't realize it of course)
4) sleeping disorders
5) endocrine disorders
6) behaviour disorders, perhaps crime = mood disorders (but they don't realize it of course)it's just bizarre when you are all afraid to tell someone you suffer from ADD and then they reply with "i do too" .... hmmmmmmmm
Posted by cybercafe on October 21, 2003, at 2:43:56
In reply to Re: I love this thread :) » cybercafe, posted by Susan J on October 20, 2003, at 8:50:14
> Good Morning, Cyber,
>
> > let me know if i'm getting too personal but i would love to know what a guy can do to keep the sexual chemistry there ..... i'm wondering about innuendo/teasing, casual touching ... not just what i should be aiming at to be the next cassanova, but at least the basics that is expected
> <<Not too personal to me, just don't know how appropriate it is for this board. Don't want to weird people out. :-)ug... i came off a bit wrong there.... i was more interested in knowing things like, damn, when do you start to hold hands, not the more private stuff... but dont' mind me, i'm starting a new antidepressant in about 2 hours so i'm sure my insecurities will be replaced with unrelenting self-confidence :) <counts down the minutes to parnate>
> After that, if you've seen *Bringing Down the House* with Steve Martin and Queen Latifah? I totally agree with Queen Latifah on how a guy should act in the bedroom. I'm not writing it here. :-)
yeah bedroom was never a problem for me, but looking back i can't tell if this is because you both already feel confident that the other person likes you, or because i was on a good antidepressant :)
hmmm..... i'm going to have to start working on a plan to find out which girls are more affectionate before i spend a lot of time getting to know them..... i'm thinking asking them might be the easiest way :)
> >.. yeah....... that makes total sense ....
> > what signals should a guy be looking for ?
> <<I don't know. :-( I probably don't give out good signals, and I don't know what men look for. Eye contact never hurts. If she's able to keep eye contact fairly long, it's a sign she's interested.coool... i love this advice... if we could spend 5% of the time discussing relationships that we do discussing meds we would be experts!
> <<Yeah, but all these adds are looking for bright, upbeat women, great outlook on life, zest for life, fun and happy.
you seem pretty bright and upbeat ..... as much as anyone i've talked to .... but i've not known guys or ads to be so focused on positivity ?? ... i always hear "attractive, funny, confident, mature, interesting, fun" ... i wouldn't worry about it too much....... YOU just have to be confident that YOU have something to offer ... and if you're not currently suffering significant depressives symptoms i'm sure you do... and if you don't, you could probably fake it :)
> I feel more laid back than that most of the time....Nobody thinks I'm sad, though, so I must not be projecting that. And I don't go around saying doomy gloomy stuff either.there you go, nothing to worry about!
don't forget to smile :) (this is something i had to train myself to do... along with good body posture and relaxed posture)
> >> (then nothing happened because cybercafe didn't know how to advance the chemistry :( )
> <<LOL! I don't mean to laugh, it's really very sweet. Call her! (Or did you not get her number?)nah there is no way i can go out with anyone until i get over this washout period .... less than 2 hours before i start parnate though..... yay parnate!
Posted by Susan J on October 21, 2003, at 10:47:38
In reply to Re: I love this thread :), posted by cybercafe on October 21, 2003, at 2:43:56
Good Morning, Cyber,
> ug... i came off a bit wrong there.... i was more interested in knowing things like, damn, when do you start to hold hands, not the more private stuff...
<<Sorry, I misunderstood. Having never been the aggressor in a romantic courting, I really don't know about any of the steps a man takes, what signals he wants, and all that...>>but dont' mind me, i'm starting a new antidepressant in about 2 hours so i'm sure my insecurities will be replaced with unrelenting self-confidence :) <counts down the minutes to parnate>
<<Can I have some of that? :-)> hmmm..... i'm going to have to start working on a plan to find out which girls are more affectionate before i spend a lot of time getting to know them..... i'm thinking asking them might be the easiest way :)
<<After having a boyfriend for 4 years who was *not* affectionate in the least, I totally specified that trait in my personal ad. Most guys who care about that usually say to me, *I'm really affectionate and love holding hands and cuddling and stuff, how about you?*FWIW, my now ex boyfriend has turned around completely, loves to be affectionate, and his current girlfriend *hates* it!
> coool... i love this advice... if we could spend 5% of the time discussing relationships that we do discussing meds we would be experts!
<<You know, I am very impressed with men (people in general) who can articulate what they feel and what they need and what they like. It makes life so much easier. Tell the prospective date you are affectionate, want this this and this, whatever. She'll respect you for being honest, even if she doesn't agree with everything.>> you seem pretty bright and upbeat ..... as much as anyone i've talked to .... but i've not known guys or ads to be so focused on positivity ??
<<I think it's human nature to put something in your ad to make sure you don't get exactly what tortured you the most in your last relationship. :-) And these guys probably had depressive, mean, whiny exes and it drove them nuts. Just like I don't want a guy who's *not* affectionate, and I don't want a guy who worships at the alter of the almighty dollar. :-)
>>YOU just have to be confident that YOU have something to offer ... and if you're not currently suffering significant depressives symptoms i'm sure you do... and if you don't, you could probably fake it :)
<<Hahah! Actually, I know I have a lot to offer. My only hesitation is about my looks which I don't feel that confident about. That's why having my picture on the service makes it easier. Guys see me, and still contact me if they think I'm attractive....>> nah there is no way i can go out with anyone until i get over this washout period .... less than 2 hours before i start parnate though..... yay parnate!
<<Good to know yourself that well. When I was horribly depressed, I so badly wanted a boyfriend because it would have been nice to have someone there who cared about me, who would look out for me, and all that. *That* feeling makes you almost desperate, and I did end up with a total wacko. Now, I'm just looking for a partial wacko who's wackiness fits in with mine....Susan
P.S. Good luck with the parnate. How long before that drug starts to work?
>
Posted by cybercafe on October 25, 2003, at 13:05:44
In reply to Re: I love this thread :) » cybercafe, posted by Susan J on October 21, 2003, at 10:47:38
> > ug... i came off a bit wrong there.... i was more interested in knowing things like, damn, when do you start to hold hands, not the more private stuff...
> <<Sorry, I misunderstood. Having never been the aggressor in a romantic courting, I really don't know about any of the steps a man takes, what signals he wants, and all that...now that i'm on parnate and feeling better, it seems so much more natural to be aggressive and just say "you should be holding my hand now" rather than worry about whether or not what you are doing is right........... when your mental health is good, everything is easy
when you're manic, everything is very easy (cybercafe wishes he was manic again)
> >>but dont' mind me, i'm starting a new antidepressant in about 2 hours so i'm sure my insecurities will be replaced with unrelenting self-confidence :) <counts down the minutes to parnate>
> <<Can I have some of that? :-)hey you can't beat the MAOIs... sure go out and get yourself some...... once you go MAOI, you never want to go back :)
> > hmmm..... i'm going to have to start working on a plan to find out which girls are more affectionate before i spend a lot of time getting to know them..... i'm thinking asking them might be the easiest way :)
> <<After having a boyfriend for 4 years who was *not* affectionate in the least, I totally specified that trait in my personal ad. Most guys who care about that usually say to me, *I'm really affectionate and love holding hands and cuddling and stuff, how about you?*that's cool...... i am learning a lot from your examples, thanks sista :)
> FWIW, my now ex boyfriend has turned around completely, loves to be affectionate, and his current girlfriend *hates* it!
haha.... i guess we all want what we can't have :)
> > coool... i love this advice... if we could spend 5% of the time discussing relationships that we do discussing meds we would be experts!
> <<You know, I am very impressed with men (people in general) who can articulate what they feel and what they need and what they like. It makes life so much easier. Tell the prospective date you are affectionate, want this this and this, whatever. She'll respect you for being honest, even if she doesn't agree with everything.and it just comes off as more confident and ambitious and successful (?) when you are the type of person who knows what they want and goes after it
> <<I think it's human nature to put something in your ad to make sure you don't get exactly what tortured you the most in your last relationship. :-) And these guys probably had depressive, mean, whiny exes and it drove them nuts. Just like I don't want a guy who's *not* affectionate, and I don't want a guy who worships at the alter of the almighty dollar. :-)
i think we guys need validation for our career and life choices, and that often comes in the form of money ..... but then you were talking about extremes weren't you? like you knew someone who wanted a guy making $100+k .... (that actually probably wouldn't be too hard - there are a lot of lonely rich guys or rich guys with low self esteem - unless you want someone who makes $100+k plus is confident plus has an active social life)... yeah that seems kind of crazy, i thought most women would be happy with $50,000 or so american
> <<Hahah! Actually, I know I have a lot to offer. My only hesitation is about my looks which I don't feel that confident about. That's why having my picture on the service makes it easier. Guys see me, and still contact me if they think I'm attractive....
exactly! it's cool that you are upfront about "this is who i am" .... it is very attractive when people are confident with themselves
> >> nah there is no way i can go out with anyone until i get over this washout period .... less than 2 hours before i start parnate though..... yay parnate!
> <<Good to know yourself that well. When I was horribly depressed, I so badly wanted a boyfriend because it would have been nice to have someone there who cared about me, who would look out for me, and all that. *That* feeling makes you almost desperate, and I did end up with a total wacko. Now, I'm just looking for a partial wacko who's wackiness fits in with mine....yeah i felt that way.... just wanted someone to be affectionate with... to share things with.... but when you are a guy and you are desperate there's like no chance :(
thank you parnate :)
> P.S. Good luck with the parnate. How long before that drug starts to work?
thanks :)
starts to work immediately, takes about 3 months to reach full, stable effect
Posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 8:48:19
In reply to Re: I love this thread :), posted by cybercafe on October 25, 2003, at 13:05:44
Hiya, Cyber.
Glad you are feeling better!
> when you're manic, everything is very easy (cybercafe wishes he was manic again)
<<Gotta say, even though I've never been there, it sounds very attractive....
>
>>i thought most women would be happy with $50,000 or so american
<<I don't even really put a price on it, although that might be part of *my* problem. :-) I want a guy to be able to support himself and still have time for some fun. Oh, and his job has to be *legal* :-)
>
> > <<Hahah! Actually, I know I have a lot to offer. My only hesitation is about my looks which I don't feel that confident about. That's why having my picture on the service makes it easier. Guys see me, and still contact me if they think I'm attractive....
>
> exactly! it's cool that you are upfront about "this is who i am" .... it is very attractive when people are confident with themselves
>Take care,
Susan
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