Posted by octopusprime on October 19, 2003, at 14:08:31
In reply to Re: when to talk about depression, posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 13:54:53
> <<I agree it's pretty much a need-to-know thing. I haven't shared this struggle with more than my family and some close friends.
>
> But I don't know when it changes from being a private issue for me to being something that I have wrongly withheld from someone. At what point would the guy feel like he's been lied to?
>
> Or, another thing. I feel really good right now, but it doesn't mean I don't have my super-low days, get cranky, don't want to talk, or even more often, just don't feel like doing a lot of stuff on any particular day. Any person that I start seeing on a regular basis is going to *notice* that stuff.Well Susan I think there is a big difference between lying and omitting.
For example, if you are withdrawing from somebody because of your depression, you could tell him, "I'm not feeling very well. I'm having a bad day. I'll talk to you another day when I'm feeling better." A reasonable person should accept this kind of response. You are not lying about your depression, you're just omitting the cause of your bad feelings. And of course, should you come to disclose the facts about your situation later, the person on the receiving end of those remarks would not feel lied to. Depression makes you feel unwell and have bad days. It would just put more of the puzzle together.
I would put the deadline for disclosure somewhere around the three month mark of a relationship. That seems to be a typical time where most casual dating things turn more serious or fall apart.
I, for one, would just be devastated if I was rejected after I told somebody about my depression. The fact that I have depression is not something I can control. I can manage it, but its existence is uncontrollable. Some people just don't want to hear that. So, you wait until it is "serious" before telling, hoping that all of the good things he has heard about you will outweigh your weakness.
Really, in the grand scheme of things, three months is not that long to wait for disclosure. If you are casually seeing somebody once or twice a week, then that's 12-24 dates. Those are dates you can schedule for your best time of day and day of the week, and you can generally be on your best behaviour. You can bag a few for feeling unwell. And so on. If you get closer, and feel you can trust him, then tell sooner.
poster:octopusprime
thread:270019
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031011/msgs/270866.html