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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Susan J on October 17, 2003, at 14:16:47
In reply to Maybe it's time to change your dating service ;-) (nm), posted by Wildflower on October 17, 2003, at 14:05:41
Hahahahahah!
I'm getting a few interesting, almost-normal types of guys. None of those has gotten anywhere yet past e-mail, but maybe.....
Posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:05:33
In reply to Scary Internet Dating, posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
LOL!! Sorry Susan your situation isnt funny but the way you word things is. At least you are looking at the funny side. There are a lot of freaks out there. Dont despair & give up there are normal ones out there!
Posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:10:18
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating, posted by Wildflower on October 16, 2003, at 12:53:55
> Trust me, I know how scary it is. I had a seemingly normal guy email me for a while and then he finally sent his picture. He was wearing a very feminine shirt with a feather boa. The sad part is that he admitted that is was not a joke or costume. He was truly comfortable with, himself and his choice in clothing. Good for him but scary for me.
>
> Another guy I met - also appearing normal - admitted that he was married and that he and his wife were lookig for a "date". No thanks!
>
> And yes, I got a few nasty emails from men that I didn't reply to within a few hours. Those are the ones I absolutly needed to stay away from.
>
> The good news is that I did meet a nice guy online. We still talk but we're just not meant to be as a couple.
>
> I keep telling myself that I'll meet my match when I'm not looking. For example, one day while putting gas in my car some nice looking guy will be at the next pump over and ask me out. Who knows if this stuff really happens.
>
> Good luck with the search!
people are so different! I would have responded quite positively to the guy in the boa & his openness letting you know right away that he has his little 'quirks'. I wonder why that would be scary?
Posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:13:22
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating, posted by WakingDreamer on October 16, 2003, at 13:00:48
<snip> i hope your contact experiences improve. ive honestlz found more nice people (not dates but at this point, who's hoping?) through a hobby club I'm in than I have on-line.
<snip>yes ditto that & I met my partner through an online chat board that wasnt a dating/singles board so it was an accidental byproduct of a hobby/activities sort of group. I think this works very well irl & online for meeting like minded people
Posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:15:19
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating, posted by oeps7 on October 16, 2003, at 13:18:07
> Susan J just be careful who you meet. I know I sound like a mother but meet them in a public place. People can be whoever they want to be online. Do not do anything risky thinking it will be okay just this one time. There are too many unstable people out there who want to do harm to others. Not to sound negative. There are some wonderful people too :O)!
> MaryA BIG: 'you are right Mary'. I think public meetings even before you give irl address & phone number. Once someone has your details you are vulnerable to harrassment
Posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:16:18
In reply to re: Scary Internet Dating » Susan J, posted by lil' jimi on October 16, 2003, at 18:53:15
Posted by lil' jimi on October 17, 2003, at 20:14:29
In reply to WB Lil Jimi!!! (nm) » lil' jimi, posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:16:18
Posted by madwand on October 17, 2003, at 20:15:31
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating » Wildflower, posted by Liligoth on October 17, 2003, at 19:10:18
I confess I was curious the same thing (i.e., why would the feather boa and feminine shirt be a problem).
Posted by jay on October 17, 2003, at 21:02:14
In reply to Scary Internet Dating, posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
I just first wanted to say thanx for the very nice supportive posts you gave to me when I was in very dark times. It means a lot...seriously.
About Internet dating...oyyyy. Well, I am a single 33 year old guy, and have had some very, uh, 'eclectic' internet dating experiences. I *always* figure I have to impress who I go out with...even if I have no idea what they look like beforehand. (Like you said...that's not really important anyways.) My last experience was with a gal who, about halfway through our 'date', divulged she was married. (Well...separated...but for two weeks!!!) She really came on strong to me too, but then little details about her situation slipped out and I was just very turned off. You know, I have been told I look young for my age, and I keep myself well, but I *always* end up dating woman who seem to be in some kind of marriage problem, and often aren't even "divorced". I understand that at this age group that is bound to happen, but I am still naive for letting it all happen. I am broke half the time because I like to treat a gal well...and have some fun by going to the 'big city' (In my case..Toronto), and I don't just look for a casual "encounter" by getting some cheap hotel room and plan on spending the day there doing, uh, 'horizontal gymnastics'...heheh. Even for a guy, that is also a very dangerous thing to do these days. Although, as a bit of a joke, having worked in social work, I have a police clearance certificate and I always bring it with me and my i.d. and show it to whomever I am going out with..lol.
So...that leads me to know....lonely and ya a bit sad because of it, but I always keep the spark alive by saying "SOMETHING will come up..", as that has been what got me through my deepest, darkest depressive and anxiety states. And...that is yet another story of a lonely guy hanging out in pixilated space! Maybe I should try Yoga classes?!?! So...what is your sign?...heheee..lol
Peace and light,
Jay
Posted by Zarah78 on October 17, 2003, at 21:30:35
In reply to Scary Internet Dating, posted by Susan J on October 16, 2003, at 11:59:36
I was going to reply to this post yesterday while I was at work, but then someone wandered in and gave me something to do and then the site went goofy and well.. procrastination is king, no? :)
Anyway, I've been doing the internet "meeting/dating" thing for a few years now and can understand your frustration with the "freaks and weirdos" ratio of response. I'd agree with the poster (I'm sorry, I forgot who!) who suggested going to a hobby site or something of that nature thats more in line with helping find people with something in common. Dating sites, I've noticed seem to get a lot more hits from the scary folks. Also, definitely meet in a public place, but I'd suggest doing so after talking on the phone with the guy a few dozen times prior. Cell phones are best for that, I think, because its harder for a stalker to run to the net and do a reverse phone lookup and get your address. Phone converstaions will give you a better idea of who someone is, IMO. And I usually ask a few repeated questions to get an idea of honesty. "How old did you say you were?" "You have.. 3 sisters, 2 cats? Or 2 sisters, 3 cats?" Always keeping in mind how they answered before. If stories start changing, "I coulda sworn you said X before..." and see what happens. Easy to block a # from calling you with a cell after you've hung up, if you've decided he's far from perfect. :)
And if a guy gets too pushy to meet you in person sooner than your comfortable, let him know! If he gets snippy, be careful, maybe find out why he's being like that and explain your opinions. :)
They aren't all bad! I'm still dating a guy I met in May '02. And before that, I almost married a guy I'd met online after dating for over 2.5 yrs (we're still friends). These days, its hard to find a good place to meet good people, it seems. Bars.. clubs.. all noisy. Work.. coworker dating can get ugly. Could take a class? Not really many good places anymore. Then there's the whole depression/not wanting to leave the house issue to deal with.
I wish you the best of luck! :)
(((SusanJ)))-Z
Who still uses internet dating in spite of the stalkers and weirdos!
Posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 10:19:00
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating » Susan J, posted by jay on October 17, 2003, at 21:02:14
Jay,
> I just first wanted to say thanx for the very nice supportive posts you gave to me when I was in very dark times. It means a lot...seriously.
<<Of course. I hope something I said was comforting. :-)> My last experience was with a gal who, about halfway through our 'date', divulged she was married. (Well...separated...but for two weeks!!!)
<<Yeah, I'm a little worried about that, but like I said before, I can look up marriage records to see if someone's still married. Fortunately, I've never really run into dating a married guy (as far as I know).
>>but I *always* end up dating woman who seem to be in some kind of marriage problem, and often aren't even "divorced".
<<Do you have any idea *why* that happens to you? Like my own pattern, I end up doing everything for the guy and get nothing in return. It doesn't start out that way, but always seems to end that way. I don't know how I get myself into it....time and time again.>>uh, 'horizontal gymnastics'...heheh. Even for a guy, that is also a very dangerous thing to do these days.
<<Yes, it is. Although it seems casual sex has made a huge comeback in the past several years. A bit scary to me. I learned a great deal from the misfortune of a friend of mine back in college, who was dating a *med* student! Even though she practiced very safe sex, condoms and more, she still ended up with genital warts. *My* lesson learned, you gotta like/care about/love the guy enough to risk contracting something, something permanent, or perhaps even something fatal. Really puts a damper on that casual stuff. :-)> So...that leads me to know....lonely and ya a bit sad because of it, but I always keep the spark alive by saying "SOMETHING will come up..", as that has been what got me through my deepest, darkest depressive and anxiety states.
<<I know the feeling. But I am actually *not* lonely right now. (Trust me, that's a new one for me, who's the biggest romantic of all and believes in soul mates and all that). I'm feeling better than I have in years, seem fairly happy, and figured this is the *best* time to try and find a guy.>> And...that is yet another story of a lonely guy hanging out in pixilated space! Maybe I should try Yoga classes?!?! So...what is your sign?...heheee..lol
<<Hahahh! I always thought it was easier for a guy to get a date than a woman, since men generally do the asking. Not?One *bad* thing I've heard for men on the net, though. Did I write this already? If so, I apologize. I have a male friend who wasn't getting many responses when he listed his salary as around $50,000 on one of these sites (avg. salary in this area is about $45,000 for a man). But when he increased it to $150,000 to see what would happen (and changed nothing else), he got *tons* of inquiries. I felt really sorry for him, and really concerned that so many women seem to care so strongly about money.
Good luck with everything. :-)
Susan
Posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 10:27:53
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating » Liligoth, posted by madwand on October 17, 2003, at 20:15:31
> I confess I was curious the same thing (i.e., why would the feather boa and feminine shirt be a problem).
<<I don't think that's a *problem* per se but more a matter of preference. I too would admire his self confidence and honesty and openness, but it doesn't mean I'd want to date him.
I'm not turned off by height, weight, facial features, hair or lack thereof. But I think an overly-feminine dressing man would not be my cup of tea. The same as a I'd be turned off by a man who didn't bathe on a regular basis. It's just not somebody that I would want to be physically affectionate with, and perhaps would make a great friend, but not a great lover/partner for me.
Yes, that might be my loss. But I don't think it's something I can overcome. And a guy who is most comfortable expressing his feminine side that way deserves a better, or more compatible partner, than me.
Posted by madwand on October 18, 2003, at 10:38:18
In reply to The boa » madwand, posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 10:27:53
Congratulations on being honest with yourself about would work and not work. But I am confused. I thought it was Wildflower who had the feather boa encounter.
Perhaps this guy just gets around?? :)Michael
Posted by Susan J on October 18, 2003, at 10:40:20
In reply to Re: The boa (I am lost) » Susan J, posted by madwand on October 18, 2003, at 10:38:18
> Congratulations on being honest with yourself about would work and not work. But I am confused. I thought it was Wildflower who had the feather boa encounter.
> Perhaps this guy just gets around?? :)
>
> Michael<<LOL! No, I was just empathizing with what I thought Wildflower was feeling about that guy. That's all.
Susan
Posted by cybercafe on October 18, 2003, at 19:08:27
In reply to Re: Scary Internet Dating » Susan J, posted by jay on October 17, 2003, at 21:02:14
> I just first wanted to say thanx for the very nice supportive posts you gave to me when I was in very dark times. It means a lot...seriously.
>
> About Internet dating...oyyyy. Well, I am a single 33 year old guy, and have had some very, uh, 'eclectic' internet dating experiences. I *always* figure I have to impress who I go out with...even if I have no idea what they look like beforehand. (Like you said...that's not really important anyways.) My last experience was with a gal who, about halfway through our 'date', divulged she was married. (Well...separated...but for two weeks!!!) She really came on strong to me too, but then little details about her situation slipped out and I was just very turned off. You know, I have been told I look young for my age, and I keep myself well, but I *always* end up dating woman who seem to be in some kind of marriage problem, and often aren't even "divorced". I understand that at this age group that is bound to happen, but I am still naive for letting it all happen. I am broke half the time because I like to treat a gal well...and have some fun by going to the 'big city' (In my case..Toronto), and I don't just look for a casual "encounter" by getting some cheap hotel room and plan on spending the day there doing, uh, 'horizontal gymnastics'...heheh. Even for a guy, that is also a very dangerous thing to do these days. Although, as a bit of a joke, having worked in social work, I have a police clearance certificate and I always bring it with me and my i.d. and show it to whomever I am going out with..lol.
>
> So...that leads me to know....lonely and ya a bit sad because of it, but I always keep the spark alive by saying "SOMETHING will come up..", as that has been what got me through my deepest, darkest depressive and anxiety states. And...that is yet another story of a lonely guy hanging out in pixilated space! Maybe I should try Yoga classes?!?! So...what is your sign?...heheee..lol
>
> Peace and light,
> Jay
just between you and me... i seem to get a lot of dates but if there isn't a big intellectual connection females seem to lose interest......after reading these posts i had no idea it was the norm to be so overtly sexual .......... it just seems like a fine line to me between showing interested/keeping them interested and coming off like an intimidating sex crazed maniac ....
can you guys offer cybercafe any tips for initiating romance but not coming off too creepy?
oh and anyone come across any free dating websites?
Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2003, at 9:08:42
In reply to I love this thread :), posted by cybercafe on October 18, 2003, at 19:08:27
If no hobbies or religious activities appeal? Short term commitment and you start off with something in common.
Dinah (who knows nothing at all about dating)
Posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 10:24:10
In reply to Re: How about political volunteering?, posted by Dinah on October 19, 2003, at 9:08:42
> If no hobbies or religious activities appeal? Short term commitment and you start off with something in common.
>
> Dinah (who knows nothing at all about dating)<<I, personally, would *love* to do that, but I work in the political field as a nonpartisan staff, and I'm not allowed to publicly endorse/campaign/contribute/or work for any political candidate or cause that might be deemed supporting one party over another. :-(
Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2003, at 10:25:33
In reply to Re: How about political volunteering? » Dinah, posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 10:24:10
Posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 10:30:35
In reply to I love this thread :), posted by cybercafe on October 18, 2003, at 19:08:27
Hi, Cyber,
>>can you guys offer cybercafe any tips for initiating romance but not coming off too creepy?
<<I think it's all a matter of taste. Afterall, two very sexually agressive people would just *love* to meet one another. So it's best to be true to your own tastes.There is a fine art of flirting, which I have nowhere near mastered, that makes the other person feel wonderful and attractive without the flirtation being obviously sexual.
For me, saying someone is pretty or handsome is safe. Commenting on eyes is safe. And flattering. Saying someone's perfume or cologne smells wonderful is safe, yet comments on attraction. Any other body part is a little creepy to me.
All the other stuff should wait until two people know each other pretty darned well, as far as I'm concerned. :-)
Susan
Posted by cybercafe on October 19, 2003, at 13:20:25
In reply to Re: I love this thread :) » cybercafe, posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 10:30:35
> <<I think it's all a matter of taste. Afterall, two very sexually agressive people would just *love* to meet one another. So it's best to be true to your own tastes.
that is so true.... but my tastes often are dependent on which med i am taking
> There is a fine art of flirting, which I have nowhere near mastered, that makes the other person feel wonderful and attractive without the flirtation being obviously sexual.hey i learned a lot from your post, please feel free to share your wisedom
> For me, saying someone is pretty or handsome is safe. Commenting on eyes is safe. And flattering. Saying someone's perfume or cologne smells wonderful is safe, yet comments on attraction. Any other body part is a little creepy to me.this is great stuff... thanks :)
so much better than the old brain freeze
> All the other stuff should wait until two people know each other pretty darned well, as far as I'm concerned. :-)cool....... how long does it usually take to reach that level of intimacy, i see a lot of people expecting it on the first date?
Posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 13:30:32
In reply to Re: I love this thread :), posted by cybercafe on October 19, 2003, at 13:20:25
Hi, Cyber,
> All the other stuff should wait until two people know each other pretty darned well, as far as I'm concerned. :-)
cool....... how long does it usually take to reach that level of intimacy, i see a lot of people expecting it on the first date?
<<I really don't know. I'm 36 and came of age in the 80s with AIDS. So I'm a bit cautious about getting intimate too fast. What age group are you in? I know folks in their 20s are more casual about the hookups than I am. And people in their 40s and 50s, baby boomers, same thing with them. The free love 60s and all that. So I kind of feel like the abberation...
The best, most respectful relationships for *me* started as a date where we could talk forever and there was definitely sexual chemistry. Like I *wanted* to go home with the guy that night, but we waited.....and the waiting is cool! I think it's definitely worth *not* giving in to instant gratification. Sexual tension builds up, you get to do the kissing thing for a few dates, you get to know the person better.
And I guess for me, the level of verbal intimacy/raciness/whatever, directly corresponds to the level of physical intimacy that's going on. If either gets too far ahead of the other, it's stressful for me.
But this all brings up another question I'm wondering about.....you said your tastes depended on what mood/meds you had/were on? How do *I* or when do I bring up to a guy that I've been dealing with major depression for the past 2 years, and probably will have to deal with it in some form for the rest of my life? Talk about mood killer..... :-)
Susan
Posted by octopusprime on October 19, 2003, at 13:33:28
In reply to Re: How about political volunteering?, posted by Dinah on October 19, 2003, at 9:08:42
i've done a lot of political volunteering in my day, but i never found this to be a fruitful way to get dates. many are too old, too young, too kooky, or too picky (that's me!).
it didn't help that i crashed my car with a cute volunteer in it while delivering signs! did you know that hallmark doesn't make an "i'm sorry i nearly killed you" card?
don't mind my off-topic rant. i should volunteer again. i'm waiting for the next election to roll around.
> If no hobbies or religious activities appeal? Short term commitment and you start off with something in common.
>
> Dinah (who knows nothing at all about dating)
Posted by octopusprime on October 19, 2003, at 13:40:59
In reply to Re: I love this thread :) » cybercafe, posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 13:30:32
>
> But this all brings up another question I'm wondering about.....you said your tastes depended on what mood/meds you had/were on? How do *I* or when do I bring up to a guy that I've been dealing with major depression for the past 2 years, and probably will have to deal with it in some form for the rest of my life? Talk about mood killer..... :-)Susan, I just wanted to comment on this myself. The last time I did the dating thing, I told on the first date. However, he started the whole sharing deep thoughts thing first. (He talked about being in counseling after his wife left him for another man.) :p In retrospect, I should have run far away from that man before I got too deeply involved.
I think I would tell again only where the relationship gets to the point where he sees you taking medication morning and/or night. Then he might be curious as to what the medication is for. I think that sort of thing is strictly on a need-to-know basis at first. It may be months before you're really emotionally intimate enough to explain what it means to you.
I know next time around I will be much more reticent about spilling the depression beans. I just have to be mysterious about myself until then, so my dates don't know I've been spending many of my weekends in my PJs!
Shalom
Posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 13:54:53
In reply to Re: when to talk about depression, posted by octopusprime on October 19, 2003, at 13:40:59
Hello!
>> I think I would tell again only where the relationship gets to the point where he sees you taking medication morning and/or night. Then he might be curious as to what the medication is for. I think that sort of thing is strictly on a need-to-know basis at first. It may be months before you're really emotionally intimate enough to explain what it means to you.
<<I agree it's pretty much a need-to-know thing. I haven't shared this struggle with more than my family and some close friends.But I don't know when it changes from being a private issue for me to being something that I have wrongly withheld from someone. At what point would the guy feel like he's been lied to?
Or, another thing. I feel really good right now, but it doesn't mean I don't have my super-low days, get cranky, don't want to talk, or even more often, just don't feel like doing a lot of stuff on any particular day. Any person that I start seeing on a regular basis is going to *notice* that stuff.
>> I know next time around I will be much more reticent about spilling the depression beans. I just have to be mysterious about myself until then, so my dates don't know I've been spending many of my weekends in my PJs!
<<Good advice! I guess I am really open to certain people about things. I sometimes (often!) tell too much!An old boss once told me, discretion is the better part of valor. :-) I shoulda taken the hint back then!
Susan
>
> Shalom
Posted by octopusprime on October 19, 2003, at 14:08:31
In reply to Re: when to talk about depression, posted by Susan J on October 19, 2003, at 13:54:53
> <<I agree it's pretty much a need-to-know thing. I haven't shared this struggle with more than my family and some close friends.
>
> But I don't know when it changes from being a private issue for me to being something that I have wrongly withheld from someone. At what point would the guy feel like he's been lied to?
>
> Or, another thing. I feel really good right now, but it doesn't mean I don't have my super-low days, get cranky, don't want to talk, or even more often, just don't feel like doing a lot of stuff on any particular day. Any person that I start seeing on a regular basis is going to *notice* that stuff.Well Susan I think there is a big difference between lying and omitting.
For example, if you are withdrawing from somebody because of your depression, you could tell him, "I'm not feeling very well. I'm having a bad day. I'll talk to you another day when I'm feeling better." A reasonable person should accept this kind of response. You are not lying about your depression, you're just omitting the cause of your bad feelings. And of course, should you come to disclose the facts about your situation later, the person on the receiving end of those remarks would not feel lied to. Depression makes you feel unwell and have bad days. It would just put more of the puzzle together.
I would put the deadline for disclosure somewhere around the three month mark of a relationship. That seems to be a typical time where most casual dating things turn more serious or fall apart.
I, for one, would just be devastated if I was rejected after I told somebody about my depression. The fact that I have depression is not something I can control. I can manage it, but its existence is uncontrollable. Some people just don't want to hear that. So, you wait until it is "serious" before telling, hoping that all of the good things he has heard about you will outweigh your weakness.
Really, in the grand scheme of things, three months is not that long to wait for disclosure. If you are casually seeing somebody once or twice a week, then that's 12-24 dates. Those are dates you can schedule for your best time of day and day of the week, and you can generally be on your best behaviour. You can bag a few for feeling unwell. And so on. If you get closer, and feel you can trust him, then tell sooner.
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