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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 33. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Emme on June 23, 2003, at 23:31:18
i'm too tired to be productive, but can't sleep. i'm sad. really sad. weepy. unemployed. alone. empty. don't know what to do with my half-over life. don't know what to do to make it meaningful. is this all there is? i'm half-alive, already half dead inside. somebody just keep me company....
Posted by shar on June 23, 2003, at 23:37:58
In reply to Anybody up? I'm sad., posted by Emme on June 23, 2003, at 23:31:18
Emme,
that is crummy! Feelings can be so overwhelming. Can you do something to distract yourself, like music or tv or reading or ???Or, if you have good sleep meds, now may be time to take one. I personally feel sleep is a wonderful distraction.
Shar
Posted by lostsailor on June 23, 2003, at 23:51:26
In reply to Re: Anybody up? I'm sad. » Emme, posted by shar on June 23, 2003, at 23:37:58
well, I did the sleep med thing and nothing...the one good thing that came out of them is now my eyes are a bit too blurey to read sad poems and my head a tad foggy to understand them...
You are not alone
~tony
Posted by Dinah on June 23, 2003, at 23:59:06
In reply to Anybody up? I'm sad., posted by Emme on June 23, 2003, at 23:31:18
Hi Emme,
I'm up for the moment, and wanted to tell you you're not alone.
Dinah
Posted by Snoozy on June 24, 2003, at 0:01:50
In reply to Anybody up? I'm sad., posted by Emme on June 23, 2003, at 23:31:18
I'm up too. Feeling sad and somewhat resigned myself. The beginning of your post reminded me of one of my favorite lyrics:
I've got too much energy
to switch off my mind
But not enough
to get myself organized
> i'm too tired to be productive, but can't sleep. i'm sad. really sad. weepy. unemployed. alone. empty. don't know what to do with my half-over life. don't know what to do to make it meaningful. is this all there is? i'm half-alive, already half dead inside. somebody just keep me company....
Posted by Sabina on June 24, 2003, at 0:08:16
In reply to Anybody up? I'm sad., posted by Emme on June 23, 2003, at 23:31:18
Don't really know anyone here, but yeah, still up, usually up. Took meds, both sleep and otherwise. Art-ing around with Photoshop to keep myself distracted from myself. Could you possibly take a walk to clear your thoughts? Peaceful thoughts from me should be arriving soon.
Posted by Emme on June 24, 2003, at 0:10:25
In reply to Anybody up? I'm sad., posted by Emme on June 23, 2003, at 23:31:18
the deep sadness was with me all day today. just when I thought the incessant suicidality (is that the word?) wa starting to loosen up. i find myself relying on others to carry me psychologically and inject a little hope because i can't do it for myself at the moment. (i think i'm not making sense.) i hope tomorrow is better.... maybe the seroquel will kick in soon and I'll fall asleep....a little while longer and it should kick in. i sure appreciate the company.
Posted by Sabina on June 24, 2003, at 0:22:25
In reply to Re: Anybody up? I'm sad., posted by Emme on June 24, 2003, at 0:10:25
Do ya enjoy mindless Internet amusements? This is a good time waster: http://quizilla.com/
Posted by Tabitha on June 24, 2003, at 1:21:01
In reply to Re: Anybody up? I'm sad., posted by Emme on June 24, 2003, at 0:10:25
I'm up, waiting for the pill to kick in.. last night I slept, but woke at 5 am, late night alone misery is the worst.. even the cat is missing
have a drink of water, a warm milk, a spoonful of ice cream, a whiff of vanilla, anything.
Posted by Sabina on June 24, 2003, at 1:35:44
In reply to Re: Anybody up? I'm sad., posted by Tabitha on June 24, 2003, at 1:21:01
It's weird, because I feel so alone even though my boyfriend is here and able to sleep in the next room. Yet, if I'm asleep when he gets up for work here in a few hours, I'll feel somehow guilty for feeling lazy for "sleeping in".
Posted by Emme on June 24, 2003, at 9:40:35
In reply to Anybody up? I'm sad., posted by Emme on June 23, 2003, at 23:31:18
The seroquel kicked in and I went to sleep. Now it's morning, late morning, I'm tired and sluggish and really sad. Okay, sinking into an abyss is more like it. My life is a solitary mess and I can't straighten it out. The family dynamics are hard. My life is useless. It's a project gone awry that really ought to be ended - today if I could. I can't call my therapist because she is on vacation. I can't burden my friends any more and so I'm burdening you poor folks. I want to GO so badly, but it would make my father too sad. So I gotta somehow get through today and tomorrow and the next day.
Posted by yesac on June 24, 2003, at 14:55:06
In reply to Now it's morning. I'm sadder., posted by Emme on June 24, 2003, at 9:40:35
It's not a burden to us (well, I should speak for myself)...I don't see it as a burden. I think that most of us have been there at some point, or many points for that matter. Insomnia is so awful, expecially when you feel so depressed. I spent a summer unemployed, total insomniac (because I had nothing to get up for and would sleep later and later), and it was HELL. I couldn't fall asleep until 4 or 5 in the morning, didn't want to be doing anything at those hours of the night, I just wanted to be asleep like everyone else. No one to talk to, nothing to do, only myself and my miserable thoughts to deal with, and the tossing and turning and frustration.
Sorry you feel this way lately. I hope that you feel at least a little better soon. Keep your head up, if you can.
Posted by fallsfall on June 24, 2003, at 17:27:54
In reply to Now it's morning. I'm sadder., posted by Emme on June 24, 2003, at 9:40:35
I don't think therapists should be allowed to go on vacation. Do you? Maybe we should circulate a petition.
Posted by Emme on June 24, 2003, at 23:00:57
In reply to Re: Now it's morning. I'm sadder. » Emme, posted by yesac on June 24, 2003, at 14:55:06
Thanks for the encouragement. Today was so hideous I couldn't leave my place until late afternoon because I couln't stop crying. I'm exhausted and haven't eaten much today. I talked to my pdoc. The issue of hospitalization came up. Part of me thinks it's a good idea, part of me is terrified. We're probably going to figure out a plan, but leave it as a last resort. She asked if I wanted to go in today, but I held off.
I'm tired and despondent.
emme
Posted by Dinah on June 24, 2003, at 23:23:47
In reply to Getting worser and worser, posted by Emme on June 24, 2003, at 23:00:57
Emme, I've heard really good things about what a good hospital program can do. It can't hurt to look into the possibility.
I'm glad you have someone on your side.
Dinah
Posted by yesac on June 25, 2003, at 11:29:36
In reply to Getting worser and worser, posted by Emme on June 24, 2003, at 23:00:57
> Thanks for the encouragement. Today was so hideous I couldn't leave my place until late afternoon because I couln't stop crying. I'm exhausted and haven't eaten much today. I talked to my pdoc. The issue of hospitalization came up. Part of me thinks it's a good idea, part of me is terrified. We're probably going to figure out a plan, but leave it as a last resort. She asked if I wanted to go in today, but I held off.
I've been there with the whole hospital plan. Discussed it in detail with my psychiatrist and my past therapist, and been quite close to really going, but I never actually have. I too am terrified about that. But somehow things always managed to become enough okay that I didn't have to. But, as people here have said to me, I think that if you really feel like you need to go, then you probably should.
Posted by kara lynne on June 25, 2003, at 15:11:21
In reply to Getting worser and worser, posted by Emme on June 24, 2003, at 23:00:57
Hi Emme,
In your pain you found the kindness to reach out to me and it made a difference. Maybe it will help you to know that--who you are has a real effect on people. It sounds like you do know that somewhere.I understand so much the endless pain you describe. And yet I don't understand it. Why is this allowed in the human experience? Who cares if there is a higher purpose for it (if you even subsribe to that possibility) or if it's just random bio-chemical torture. I've had enough, now. And I'm sure you have too.
Good to know you have a pdoc you trust. I need to find one, or go to support groups (more than what I've been doing). It just is essential. I do believe that our thoughts influence something, somehow. And hopefully our collective love and support and prayer will give us the strength we need to get to the other side of this.
My thoughts are with you.
Posted by Emme on June 25, 2003, at 19:42:12
In reply to Re: Getting worser and worser » Emme, posted by Dinah on June 24, 2003, at 23:23:47
I think I need to talk to my pdoc about what to expect should I have to go in. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so scared. Made it through today at least.... Yes, I am lucky to have a good pdoc solidly on my side.
Posted by Emme on June 25, 2003, at 19:51:59
In reply to Re: Getting worser and worser » Emme, posted by yesac on June 25, 2003, at 11:29:36
> > Thanks for the encouragement. Today was so hideous I couldn't leave my place until late afternoon because I couln't stop crying. I'm exhausted and haven't eaten much today. I talked to my pdoc. The issue of hospitalization came up. Part of me thinks it's a good idea, part of me is terrified. We're probably going to figure out a plan, but leave it as a last resort. She asked if I wanted to go in today, but I held off.
>
>
> I've been there with the whole hospital plan. Discussed it in detail with my psychiatrist and my past therapist, and been quite close to really going, but I never actually have. I too am terrified about that. But somehow things always managed to become enough okay that I didn't have to. But, as people here have said to me, I think that if you really feel like you need to go, then you probably should.
>I don't know how to know when it's justified...when I'm sick enough. One day I might feel like it's necessary, but then by the next day I've improved and moved up to "just plain miserable". I can generally get up, shower, pick up things at the drugstore, and do some basics. But I'm worn and scared and think about death a lot. I just don't know. But it seems like talking to her about it isn't a bad idea. Then maybe I'd be more inclined to go if it's really the right thing...
Posted by Emme on June 25, 2003, at 20:02:31
In reply to Re: Getting worser and worser, posted by kara lynne on June 25, 2003, at 15:11:21
Hi Kara Lynne,
> In your pain you found the kindness to reach out to me and it made a difference. Maybe it will help you to know that--who you are has a real effect on people. It sounds like you do know that somewhere.Thanks for expressing that. I'm really glad my posts (and everyone else's) have helped you. My friends and therapist have beein doing their damndest to convince me that my presence matters to them, that I'm not useless. It's a message that's taken me a long time to even begin to believe.
> I understand so much the endless pain you describe. And yet I don't understand it. Why is this allowed in the human experience? Who cares if there is a higher purpose for it (if you even subsribe to that possibility) or if it's just random bio-chemical torture. I've had enough, now. And I'm sure you have too.Amen to that!
> I do believe that our thoughts influence something, somehow. And hopefully our collective love and support and prayer will give us the strength we need to get to the other side of this.I hope so...
> My thoughts are with you.Thanks. And mine are with you. You are somehow coping with so many awful things simultaneously. You obviously have lots of strength and guts.
Emme
Posted by yesac on June 25, 2003, at 20:05:55
In reply to Re: Getting worser and worser » yesac, posted by Emme on June 25, 2003, at 19:51:59
> I don't know how to know when it's justified...when I'm sick enough. One day I might feel like it's necessary, but then by the next day I've improved and moved up to "just plain miserable". I can generally get up, shower, pick up things at the drugstore, and do some basics. But I'm worn and scared and think about death a lot. I just don't know. But it seems like talking to her about it isn't a bad idea. Then maybe I'd be more inclined to go if it's really the right thing...
>Yes! That is exactly how I feel. I just really don't know if I could ever bring myself to believe that it really is time to go to the hospital. How do you define "necessary"? I know that many of my therapists probably wished desperately that they could get me to go, but knew how totally against being forced into something like that I am. I mean, if for days my thoughts keep returning to suicide, if I ponder my pills and dump them into my hand, if I write out quasi-suicide notes.... does that mean I should go? How do I KNOW that I "can't keep myself safe"? I've always managed before, somehow. I don't like to promise that I will, but I never really know if I can for sure.
It's so hard...
I also do think that it's good to discuss with your therapist, just to get the idea in your head. I never would even have considered it if we hadn't talked about it.
I hope that you've felt better today, a least a little bit.
Posted by noa on June 25, 2003, at 21:00:31
In reply to Thanks Dinah! , posted by Emme on June 25, 2003, at 19:42:12
I think that is a good idea--take control of the contingency plan so if it is needed, you are ready. Hope things feel better soon.
Posted by Emme on June 26, 2003, at 6:34:21
In reply to Re: Getting worser and worser » Emme, posted by yesac on June 25, 2003, at 20:05:55
> Yes! That is exactly how I feel. I just really don't know if I could ever bring myself to believe that it really is time to go to the hospital. How do you define "necessary"? I know that many of my therapists probably wished desperately that they could get me to go, but knew how totally against being forced into something like that I am. I mean, if for days my thoughts keep returning to suicide, if I ponder my pills and dump them into my hand, if I write out quasi-suicide notes.... does that mean I should go? How do I KNOW that I "can't keep myself safe"? I've always managed before, somehow. I don't like to promise that I will, but I never really know if I can for sure.And do I even really WANT to keep myself safe...? And what if I got up the nerve to go there and they decided I wasn't in bad enough shape to be there? What if my insurance decided not to cover it?
Then here's another practical problem. How to hide it from family members. My dad is stressed out enough over me and over other things. And if he knew I were in a hospital, he'd feel obligated to contact my mother and tell her. My mother cannot find out. She doesn't know about my mood disorder as far as I know. She's difficult, overprotective, chronically worried about everything, has panic attacks herself, is vehemently opposed to psychotropic medication, and would probably try to take some sort of nasty action against my doctor for having me on multiple medication. She'd think the medication was causing my problems and try to get me to go off. She'd tell everyone, distort reality, and never again treat me as a healthy person. It'd be the end of life as I know it. If I were unreachable for days at home it'd be a problem. I'd have to lie about going to see a friend somewhere....
Anyone else have this problem?
> I also do think that it's good to discuss with your therapist, just to get the idea in your head. I never would even have considered it if we hadn't talked about it.
>
> I hope that you've felt better today, a least a little bit.Thanks for the good wishes. I hope you have an acceptable day yourself.
Emme
Posted by yesac on June 26, 2003, at 14:37:00
In reply to Re: Getting worser and worser » yesac, posted by Emme on June 26, 2003, at 6:34:21
> Then here's another practical problem. How to hide it from family members. My dad is stressed out enough over me and over other things. And if he knew I were in a hospital, he'd feel obligated to contact my mother and tell her. My mother cannot find out. She doesn't know about my mood disorder as far as I know. She's difficult, overprotective, chronically worried about everything, has panic attacks herself, is vehemently opposed to psychotropic medication, and would probably try to take some sort of nasty action against my doctor for having me on multiple medication. She'd think the medication was causing my problems and try to get me to go off. She'd tell everyone, distort reality, and never again treat me as a healthy person. It'd be the end of life as I know it. If I were unreachable for days at home it'd be a problem. I'd have to lie about going to see a friend somewhere....
>
> Anyone else have this problem?Yeah, I've thought a lot about how my family would react to the situation of me being hospitalized. I mean, it would totally shock them to say the least. I've hinted at the idea to my sisters, but they have sort of written it off as me overreacting, thinking things are worse than they are, that I just need to hang in there, etc. Words of support, but not exactly on the mark. Anyways, yes, it would be extremely mortifying for me, but I think that I would need my parents' financial support to help cover the hospital bills (I have a $1500 coinsurance amount before my insurance covers 100%). It's good that they don't live around here, because I wouldn't want them dragged into my "recovery" after my release. No thanks!!
Posted by Dinah on June 26, 2003, at 14:40:52
In reply to Re: Getting worser and worser » yesac, posted by Emme on June 26, 2003, at 6:34:21
Your mom sounds a lot like mine. I've just learned to politely say goodbye when she starts her rants. Fortunately she lost her ability to hurt me an awful long time ago.
You have to do what's best for you. You can't worry overly much about whether your family will be upset or angry. They'll live, and probably learn to accept. Or not. But if you're pretty consistent about telling her that you won't listen to certain things, and politely saying goodbye if she starts to talk about them, chances are good she'll eventually get trained.
Or at least that's been my experience.
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