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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on June 2, 2003, at 1:23:28
Ugh. My new love life thing is hurting. We had 2 months of bliss, then started having conflict. I wasn't sure we'd make it. My therapist said, we're having a conflict phase, we'll either get through it and end up closer, or we'll go our separate ways. I was waiting to see.
Yesterday we saw each other and it was halfway comfortable, I started to feel a glimmer of hope. Today, a phone call that actually got almost ugly. My tolerance for 'ugly' is near zero. Now it feels hopeless. He's not hearing me, everything I say makes it worse, I'm withdrawing since I don't feel safe anymore, meanwhile my withdrawal triggers his insecurity, and he's pushing me to reassure him that we have a 'commitment'. It doesn't even make sense to me to talk about commitment at this point. In fact it seems downright-- crazy. Reality check-- it's only been 2 months. Actually a couple days short of 2 months. I haven't seen whether we can weather conflict.. and from the looks of things.. maybe we can't.
He's been behaving so badly lately, pure insecurity driving him, it's turning me off, and he wants total acceptance. I can't give it.
It's shedding all new light on past experiences. A few years back, a guy I loved kept me at arms length, didn't want to be sexual with me, didn't want to really be a public 'couple' with me. My therapist always told me he was too afraid of me. I was in worse shape then (pre- meds) and more unstable, behaved worse, but I really didn't get it. NOW I GET IT! I was too volatile, too needy, he couldn't let his guard down enough to be that close to me. Now I get how that feels, from the other side.
I didn't do anything wrong. I just voiced some doubts and took a little step back. He's distorting what I said, and he's distorting what I'm feeling. He keeps saying I pushed him away and I don't want to be with him. It isn't true. I just took a little step back. That's part of the normal ebb and flow.
He asked for reassurance.. I couldn't give any. Maybe I missed something. Maybe I could have done something. I don't know. I'm not perfect.
Posted by Dinah on June 2, 2003, at 8:22:57
In reply to Love life woes., posted by Tabitha on June 2, 2003, at 1:23:28
I'm sorry, Tabitha. :( I guess that's what dating is for. To test these things out. That's been a problem almost since the start of this relationship, hasn't it (with the art, I'm remembering). He wants to push a bit harder than you're comfortable with.
I congratulate you wholeheartedly on being able to set boundaries that you're comfortable with. All those years of therapy are showing. All you can do is what you think is healthy for you. What he does is what he does, his stuff, and really has little or nothing to do with you. You've gotten past doing the dance that was programmed into you by your fears and your childhood experiences, it sounds like. Perhaps he hasn't.
If he can manage to work through his own insecurities, Great!! If not, you dipped back into the dating pool, had a good time, probably developed some confidence, and learned that you now relate differently to men than you used to. Plus you got a couple of months of those heady feelings of infatuation. :)
And had those rotten feelings of pain and hurt too. :( I'm sorry for that part, Tabitha.
(((Tabitha)))
Posted by Tabitha on June 2, 2003, at 12:01:57
In reply to Re: Love life woes. » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on June 2, 2003, at 8:22:57
Dinah, thanks for the calm and reasoned perspective. I had to dip into the PPB archives to remember what I posted before.. it does sound like similar issues.
Urgh. I feel guilty about not being more devastated about it. I'm used to being the one who's more volatile and driven to despair by it all.
Posted by Dinah on June 2, 2003, at 12:16:12
In reply to Re: Love life woes. » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on June 2, 2003, at 12:01:57
Posted by slinky on June 2, 2003, at 12:37:43
In reply to Love life woes., posted by Tabitha on June 2, 2003, at 1:23:28
Tab~babes..
I think we started our relationship fing at same time.
I'm going through something similar..we are taking a step back and what he said is sensible until my meds are sorted and he gets snipped:-)
I have 'nt been into an angry~raged short-lived manic for a long time until I met him...
It really hurts me sometimes the insecurity and feeling unsafe..but there is nothing I can do about it..other times I don't really care about fings.
Sorry for rambling on about me..but I can understand some things/feelings you're going through.
.......what'll be will be & other platitudes..little pecky kiss
Posted by Tabitha on June 2, 2003, at 23:07:00
In reply to Re: Love life woes. » Tabitha, posted by slinky on June 2, 2003, at 12:37:43
thanks for the platitudes slinky babe. I'll wish you luck with your relationship fing(see? a platitude right back atcha).
Posted by noa on June 3, 2003, at 20:13:04
In reply to Re: Love life woes., posted by Tabitha on June 2, 2003, at 23:07:00
Uh-oh, sorry to hear this Tab. But you do sound so good in how you are processing it. I'm impressed.
With every relationship, we have an opportunity to learn more about ourselves. Sounds like you are doing that BIG time now.
Posted by Tabitha on June 4, 2003, at 1:28:32
In reply to Re: Love life woes., posted by noa on June 3, 2003, at 20:13:04
Thanks Noa.
Grief process. Went to therapy, came to conclusion it's best to let him go. My goal.. just don't do anything to interrupt the natural grief process. One hour in tears, next hour happy. Really, I had a couple of happy hours today, and spent several desperate for therapy hour to arrive. Grief process. Do not interrupt. Do not chase him down, win him back, just to postpone this pain.
Here's my affirmation.. that I'm not sure I believe, but it just might be true.. this is just a step on the way to a better relationship-- with someone else.
This is the end of the thread.
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