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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by likelife on February 26, 2003, at 0:06:32
Don't really know how to put this. I am struggling a lot all of a sudden. And the fact that it was fairly predictable didn't stop me from letting it happen. Stress has been building up for me over the past few weeks, and I've mostly just been running as fast as I can to stay on top of the work. And then I start thinking, all I want is a break, just a little break, but then I take one, and I feel incredibly guilty throughout because I know what I'm not getting done, and it doesn't turn out to be a break at all.
Long story short, my brain has this short circuit that gets tripped every time I get too stressed, and the almost instant result is that suicide jumps into my mind. It's like it's just programmed that way. And the worthless, hopeless, dead exhausted, why did I get up this morning, I am so *tired* just floods my mind, and it's all I can think about. So then less work gets done, and...(sigh).
I believed for a long time that I was destined to commit suicide. I have thought about it for so long, and been desperate for so long, that it just seemed inevitable. It was a passive thought for a really long while, and then became a lot more active, and I tried a couple of times, once half-heartedly, and once a lot more seriously. And most days I'm comfortable with the idea that I'm still here. I have even been doing remarkably well lately. It's so disheartening to slump again, and so quickly, so easily. It's like I have no defenses whatsoever.
Like everybody else, when I'm depressed, I have a hard time thinking of anything else. Hibernation (i.e. withdrawal) sounds like a great idea.
I wonder and wonder whether I'm making the right decisions in my life, and whether I want to go on living out this same pattern for the rest of my life. Depression=automatic hopelessness.
Posted by jodie on February 26, 2003, at 0:41:58
In reply to lost in a horrible circle of thought, posted by likelife on February 26, 2003, at 0:06:32
I just typed this huge post to you, and somehow I deleted it. Talk about frustrating....Grrrrrrrrrrr.......
I'll have to make this one a little shorter...sorry!!!
I am sorry you are feeling this way. I understand, I have been feeling pretty depressed myself. I've been having this constant feeling of doom, guilt, shame, anger & the list never ends. I have been hibernating...staying in my pj's, keeping the blinds shut, isolating myself, & have been starting arguments with my fiance. I have been a huge grouch.
I would love to give you advice that could help, but like I've told others here, I'm not good at giving advice. My words never come out right. I do hope you start feeling better. My thoughts are with you.
Take care
Jodie
Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2003, at 5:17:29
In reply to lost in a horrible circle of thought, posted by likelife on February 26, 2003, at 0:06:32
I understand, likelife, and I'm sorry you're feeling that way. It's a lousy place to be.
I could be annoyingly optimistic and say that the fact that you're feeling better most of the time is a good thing, and that setbacks, particularly under stress are unavoidable. As long as you keep the big picture in mind.
Or I could be more honest and say that that doesn't make it feel any better short term, does it. I know the feeling of just wanting to find a cave where I can hide until everything that's stressing me goes away. I am frequently beginning to recognize the suicidal thoughts as desires to escape and trying to substitute fantasies of running away. But sometimes there is a lot of anger involved - anger at feeling overwhelmed and at all the stressors. It's harder then. My therapist and I were discussing ways to release some of the anger in a more constructive way.
But you're right, there is an automatic quality to it that is hard to overcome. Is it a learned response that we can relearn? Or is it somehow wired in along with the depression? Like itching with chickenpox.
No answers I'm afraid, just a lot of good wishes, and the fact that you're not alone.
Posted by Ginjoint on February 26, 2003, at 8:08:12
In reply to lost in a horrible circle of thought, posted by likelife on February 26, 2003, at 0:06:32
> Long story short, my brain has this short circuit that gets tripped every time I get too stressed, and the almost instant result is that suicide jumps into my mind.It's like it's always lurking there in the background, just waiting for its chance to spring out and overtake you, isn't it? Like it just lives to see you die. My brain trips like that too, and I have to actually talk it down - out loud - which doesn't always work well, and of course I can only do when alone lest I really scare those around me. Which brings me to another issue...
> Like everybody else, when I'm depressed, I have a hard time thinking of anything else. Hibernation (i.e. withdrawal) sounds like a great idea.
Do not, do NOT do this. I am a very isolated person, and trust me, likelife, it makes it all worse. Much worse. Please keep up any social contacts you have, as long as you know they're not making you worse. Suicidal feelings just love aloneness - it's like a freakin' pint of Ben & Jerry's to them. Please take gentle care of yourself.
Ginjoint
Posted by lostsailor on February 26, 2003, at 18:35:27
In reply to Re: lost in a horrible circle of thought, posted by Ginjoint on February 26, 2003, at 8:08:12
At times I take to hiding too. I think we all do. At times I think that I am better company than most others anyway.
It's not fair that we get like this. Your doc, therapist, everyone and us can tell you how to cope and how 'normal' it all really is but they don't live it for the most part. We do.
I am not all that good at giving advice except while manic (kidding, don’t believe me then either), but keep fighting and maybe you even deserve the treat of Ben & jerry's
Post us…
~tony
Posted by likelife on March 4, 2003, at 1:02:08
In reply to lost in a horrible circle of thought, posted by likelife on February 26, 2003, at 0:06:32
Just wanted to say thanks for the support (thanks Jodie, Dinah, Ginjoint, and lostsailor). It's always nice to hear that others experience the same things. Things have been looking up and down and, hopefully a little up recently. Just got to hang on to that.
This is the end of the thread.
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