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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on February 15, 2003, at 1:39:16
I WON'T grow up! I WON'T I WON'T! No one can MAKE me! It's just not FAIR!
Part of me feels like I've been grown up forever. Part of me thinks growing up sucks and wants to hide away while the grownups handle grownup things.
Everything seems so *big* and unmanageable. I'm just faking being a grown up and not very well at that. I can't possibly manage to do this. I can't possibly *not* screw up. My god - I drive a car! Do you realize how scary it is to drive a car?! So many things to do at once and one small mistake can have huge consequences? I don't WANT to drive the d*mn car! And all of life as a grownup is like driving a car.
I want my Mommy!!!!
Posted by jodie on February 15, 2003, at 1:44:29
In reply to When do you start feeling like a grown up?, posted by Dinah on February 15, 2003, at 1:39:16
There...There.... It will be okay.... like I'm one to talk!!!
I understand, I'm 27 (well I will be in about 3 weeks). I still feel like I'm not a "grown up". But I have to make all kinds of decisions. It's not fair!!!
I want my Mommy too, well, I'm mad at her right now...I want my Daddy!!!!
Jodie
Posted by Dinah on February 15, 2003, at 1:48:06
In reply to Re: When do you start feeling like a grown up? » Dinah, posted by jodie on February 15, 2003, at 1:44:29
Chuckle. Well, I don't want my mother from now. I want the Mommy she was before I turned ten. My mother has a very strong preference for very young children. She even said that about my son a few years back. Something along the lines of the most fun part being over. I nearly socked her. He was about four or five.
Posted by jodie on February 15, 2003, at 1:55:16
In reply to Re: When do you start feeling like a grown up? » jodie, posted by Dinah on February 15, 2003, at 1:48:06
Well, I agree, I would take my mom before I was 10 also. Thats when she used to show affection, and actually say things like "I love you". I haven't heard those words from her since I was younger than 10, now that I think about it. Last time, I was probably more like 7 or 8. Now that I have an 8 yr. old son, she really upsets me. How could a mom be that way. I can't imagine not showing affection to my son.
Posted by Tabitha on February 15, 2003, at 2:09:27
In reply to Re: When do you start feeling like a grown up? » jodie, posted by Dinah on February 15, 2003, at 1:48:06
Dinah, I'm glad to see you.
My mom seemed to just lose interest in her children after we got past toddler stage. I don't even remember her showing interest, but once she told me she really loved taking care of us as babies, so I think there must have been interest then. One of my many therapists told me something about why some parents just can't relate to children after age 2, I forget what it was but it made sense at the time. I'm glad she at least took good care of us when we were infants, or we'd probably be even less functional adults than we are ('we' being me and my brother)
Am I rambling? Oh, another thing that came to mind... I never felt much affection for my mom after about age 9. Then in college I had a case of mono and spent over a week lying in bed, too weak to even sit up and read or watch TV. Just staring at the ceiling. After 8 or 9 days I started to hallucinate cartoons, then I had this severe "I want my mommy" feeling. Really pure emotion, longing for my specific mother. It went on for a day or two. Until then I didn't even remember what it felt like to want my mother. Then I read in Scientific American that sensory deprivation experiments cause people to have visual hallucinations, plus emotional regression.
What all this is worth, I don't know.
Posted by Dinah on February 15, 2003, at 2:23:00
In reply to Re: When do you start feeling like a grown up? » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on February 15, 2003, at 2:09:27
I manage to emotionally regress with very little help. Stress can do it nicely. My therapist says I regress to preverbal quite easily. He's so tactful.
I can't rememher what age my mom showed that I was turning boring. I guess it was when we started having opinions separate from hers. I do remember receiving toys and records way too young for me and being too polite to say anything. Like asking for The Monkees and getting Disney singalongs. She does it with my son too. And he's too polite to say anything. My husband isn't too polite to pack them up and return them to her though.
Posted by Tabitha on February 15, 2003, at 2:34:01
In reply to Re: When do you start feeling like a grown up? » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on February 15, 2003, at 2:23:00
Wow. I actually kind of liked the regression feeling. It was a nice contrast to my bottled-up, emotionally flat adult self.
Here's some cheap analysis-- are you trying to get mom's love by being what she wants? Young? You've probably already figured that out. It must feel much safer to be what she wants.
I think I feel safer being unhappy, because somehow being happy would threaten my mom and get me kicked out of the nest. Doesn't seem to do much good to have that insight though.
I hope you're on your way to sleep by now.
Posted by likelife on February 15, 2003, at 18:03:35
In reply to When do you start feeling like a grown up?, posted by Dinah on February 15, 2003, at 1:39:16
I'm thinking, next year, I'll start feeling (and acting) like a grownup. Of course, I thought the same thing about this year, so who knows...
You're right, everything does seem so big and unmanageable. I've given up on looking at the big picture, because when I do, it just causes me to run for my bed. Every now and then though, the picture comes streaming back into my conscious, and I get generally terrified. Maybe giant blinders like horses wear would help.
You have, however, managed to do this thus far. Maybe it wasn't exactly in the ways you hoped, but here you are. (And if this sounds like paternal bs, I apologize).
I think, at the heart of it, we all want someone who will perpetually take care of us and let us stay home from school and take our temperature and put a cool cloth on our foreheads. How many of us have been perpetually searching for someone to do just that? I know I have for a long time, and perpetually come up short on my search. My therapist keeps telling me that I need to get on board with myself, and realize that I can take care of myself (and this includes eliciting care from others if need be).
Hang in there.
Posted by Alara on February 15, 2003, at 19:51:55
In reply to When do you start feeling like a grown up?, posted by Dinah on February 15, 2003, at 1:39:16
Dinah, I am 32 and sometimes feel like a 10 year-old! Most of the time I feel confident and capable when doing my work, driving the car, helping upset people and doing the grocery shopping...But there are days when I struggle to stop myself from crying. (I fear that if I ever did so at work, I'd become a babbling 5 y-o within 5 seconds flat!) I still call my father when I blow an element in the toaster or can't unclog the toilet - or even when I don't know how to handle an interpersonal situation oat work...And sometimes weeks go by when I have to call my parents EVERY DAY to offload my worries..(This must drive them crazy!)
I work with a lot of 23 year-olds and they someitimes look up to me, expecting me the answers in life because I am a bit older....But half the time I am just as clueless as they are..My lovelife is a bit of a mess and the best that I can do is to take care of myself and my cat. I can only laugh about it though. :-)Sometimes grown up obligations (like doing tax, registering the car and spending most of our time working and `behaving like responsible adults' makes us really want to go back to childhood.) Every adult feels this way, and every adult feels more mature in some arenas of life than in others. Dinah, that's totally normal!!
I just wish I could do cartwheels and go to the beach on a boogie board!!! Might do it anyway.
Being too much of an adult is boring sometimes...
Posted by Daffy on February 15, 2003, at 20:47:54
In reply to Being an adult is boring sometimes. » Dinah, posted by Alara on February 15, 2003, at 19:51:55
Most of the time I feel confident and capable when doing my work, driving the car, helping upset people and doing the grocery shopping...
LOL, I usually don't have to help upset people...they can get upset with my mere presence ;-)
Posted by noa on February 16, 2003, at 19:21:14
In reply to When do you start feeling like a grown up?, posted by Dinah on February 15, 2003, at 1:39:16
I have heard from people I've known that it is, unfortunately, when one's parents die.
Seriously.
Posted by JohnV on February 17, 2003, at 3:15:28
In reply to When do you start feeling like a grown up?, posted by Dinah on February 15, 2003, at 1:39:16
I can really understand what you are saying. I often don't think people take me serious, just like when you know people "talk down" to a kid? People take my nonaggressive attitude and even sometime passive attitude (from what I think anyways) to be some sign of immaturity. I was told I should apply and would be good in a few management level jobs, (I was even asked in the past by a few bosses) and I am in my late twenties, but I have felt so unconfident or affraid people will see that in me and just have this perception I am some immature, needy little boy who can never be taken seriously.I am also really close to my parents, and I get the feeling other family members see that as "immaturity" or a "weakness". I really, really hate this label of a "mammas boy" because society makes it seem like it is a bad thing to have a close relationship with your parents.(Especially for us men because it is not "macho".) A couple of girls I have dated have got into an argument about that with me, and it's not like I have some weird babyish relationship but one where I am there for my parents just like they have been there for me.(Some woman more than others seem to like this term, and it is one of prejudice I think.) Having said that, I talk to my parents only in length about once every week or two, and am out of the house at all hours without them ever really knowing what I am up to. It' been like that since I was a teenager.
Sorry for the long winded rant. A parent-child bond has many deep and important aspects to us becoming independent and loving and nurturing adults. I honestly think it is sad to see people move out when they are 16-17, and cut their parents off completely, but often there are issues there, often not nice.
The great thing is when all is said and done in the end, and I am on my death bed, I know I will have given as much as possible to the ones who brought me into the world and I hope to pass that love onto my children and hopefully my wife when I get married. I don't want ever to be one of these people who grows older and regrets not saying more and doing more with their parents after they die. Life would be that less richer for me if that where the case. Oh and yes, it is ok for a grown person to tell their parents how much they love them.
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on February 17, 2003, at 9:59:50
In reply to When do you start feeling like a grown up?, posted by Dinah on February 15, 2003, at 1:39:16
> I WON'T grow up! I WON'T I WON'T! No one can MAKE me! It's just not FAIR!
---------------It's all a relative thing for me. I feel like I do a decent job being an adult. Actually, I've felt like I could take care of myself since I was 12. What I can't do, however, is get into the same kinds of things that most adults seem to care about. Whenever I get invited to a dinner party, or whatnot, the talk is always about insurance plans, new purchases, planned purchases, customer service complaints, taxes, and gossip. They all take themselves so seriously, too. I just want to listen to some music, discuss news/science, tell some silly stories, and have a nice time. Everyone else seems to be concerned about impressing each other with how 'adult' they are (i.e. how "successful"). But then again, I've never been able to relate to my peers, so nothing's new about this.
This is the end of the thread.
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