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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by BlackSheep on December 20, 2002, at 9:53:18
I'm feeling very guilty and selfish for not seeing my family over the holidays.
I live over an hour away from one sibling and 2 hours away from and another and I'm the only one with a full-time 12-month a year job. When the weekends roll around I want to be home to do my thing and often turn down parties and such. I know I'm a terrible Aunt 'cause I don't see my neices and nephews much at all. However, they usually come with their parents, one set of whom, I don't care for much at all anymore. They don't like me either.
They don't understand my social phobia, my wacky sleep patterns ("Why are you going now, it's still early?"), depression, crying spells, etc. I find it best to just stay away so I don't create waves or make a scene. Our views on entirely different, also.
My News Years Resolution is to keep my opposing views of important issues to myself but it's difficult for me, as I feel so strongly about them, and am quite active in them in my life.
Also, some of my siblings are aware of a past molestation made by a family member by marriage, but they seem to think that I should be over that. They have not explicity said that but that's my impression. I wish I WAS over it as it happened so MANY years ago, but I'm having more flashbacks lately and the priest scandals in the news just remind me about it over and over again.
My situation was by no means as horrbible as what some of those victims experienced, but if someone touches/gropes your privates, esp. when you're a minor, and the perp is a spouse of a sibling (who was in the other room!), that is wrong, right?I guess I'm just venting. I just feel like the BlackSheep of the family. I the only one that doesn't have kids, the only one who doesn't do or look forward to all those family get-togethers, esp. at the holidays. This holiday is esp. tough for me.
BlackSheep
Posted by Ted on December 20, 2002, at 10:44:40
In reply to Guilt for not spending time with Family, posted by BlackSheep on December 20, 2002, at 9:53:18
Let's face it: visiting relatives is NOT a vacation. And most of need a vacation at least once per year.
You can turn it around on them, though: Tell your relatives they are welcome to visit YOU, but you are not making any preparations. If the come, great; if no, oh well. That makes you sound just a wee bit less selfish.
Good luck and have a happy holiday!
Ted
Posted by Mikhail99 on December 20, 2002, at 10:53:56
In reply to Guilt for not spending time with Family, posted by BlackSheep on December 20, 2002, at 9:53:18
> I'm feeling very guilty and selfish for not seeing my family over the holidays.
>
> I live over an hour away from one sibling and 2 hours away from and another and I'm the only one with a full-time 12-month a year job. When the weekends roll around I want to be home to do my thing and often turn down parties and such. I know I'm a terrible Aunt 'cause I don't see my neices and nephews much at all. However, they usually come with their parents, one set of whom, I don't care for much at all anymore. They don't like me either.
>
> They don't understand my social phobia, my wacky sleep patterns ("Why are you going now, it's still early?"), depression, crying spells, etc. I find it best to just stay away so I don't create waves or make a scene. Our views on entirely different, also.
>
> My News Years Resolution is to keep my opposing views of important issues to myself but it's difficult for me, as I feel so strongly about them, and am quite active in them in my life.
>
> Also, some of my siblings are aware of a past molestation made by a family member by marriage, but they seem to think that I should be over that. They have not explicity said that but that's my impression. I wish I WAS over it as it happened so MANY years ago, but I'm having more flashbacks lately and the priest scandals in the news just remind me about it over and over again.
> My situation was by no means as horrbible as what some of those victims experienced, but if someone touches/gropes your privates, esp. when you're a minor, and the perp is a spouse of a sibling (who was in the other room!), that is wrong, right?
>
> I guess I'm just venting. I just feel like the BlackSheep of the family. I the only one that doesn't have kids, the only one who doesn't do or look forward to all those family get-togethers, esp. at the holidays. This holiday is esp. tough for me.
>
> BlackSheepBlackSheep, Isn't it a crime that we can't pick our families? Don't feel guilty about not seeing them! Don't you have enough to deal with without subjecting yourself to people who don't have your best interests at heart? And I can't stand it when someone else decides when someone should be "over" something. How presumptuous and aggravating is that??? And why would you want to keep your opinions to yourself? Particularly if it's stuff you're active with and feel very strongly about? That makes you informed and passionate and you shouldn't deny it.
It sounds like you could use a nice quiet holiday, please do something nice for yourself that day and be at peace.
Take care!
Posted by BeardedLady on December 20, 2002, at 13:02:51
In reply to Re: Guilt for not spending time with Family, posted by Mikhail99 on December 20, 2002, at 10:53:56
It's not a crime that we can't pick our families. The crime is that our families don't behave like families, supporting us through difficult times and reveling in joyful ones.
Blacksheep, it IS wrong that your sister's spouse (brother's spouse?) groped you, and we get over these atrocities when we get over them. Sometimes it takes longer because we don't have the support we need from our so-called family members.
What's wrong is that your sibling isn't groveling for your forgiveness. Had it been my spouse and my sister, my hubby'd be out the door momentarily.
Your nieces and nephews will miss you. Send them a card and a photograph. Tell them that they light up your life. And enjoy your holiday taking care of you. No guilt. No shame.
You have our support.
beardy
Posted by BlackSheep on December 20, 2002, at 13:49:52
In reply to Family Crimes--black sheep, posted by BeardedLady on December 20, 2002, at 13:02:51
Thanks for the advice, esp Mikhail99.
Beardy,
As for the "incident(s)", it involved my brother-in-law who is still married to my sister. She doesn't know as I've never told her. I told my other siblings, though, and wish I never had.
Posted by Medusa on December 23, 2002, at 0:58:23
In reply to Guilt for not spending time with Family, posted by BlackSheep on December 20, 2002, at 9:53:18
> I'm feeling very guilty and selfish for not seeing my family over the holidays.
>Okay. Can you accept the guilt, and then re-situate the problem? The system expects you to spend holidays with biofamily. Can you define a new system? If you take the elements of the first system:
-family is important
-holidays are important
-holidays are often work-vacation days
they can be the exact same elements of a different system, but arranged differently. In your present system, the above items mean that you MUST spend holidays with your biofamily.Can you add an element? that would be
-*I* am important
and perhaps a supplement:
-there are work-holidays besides xmas (or whatever you celebrate)So ... bear with me here ... a new system could honor all the points, AND give you a wonderful holiday by yourSELF, with things YOU like to do. Family isn't best served by holiday time, so you're doing your family a favor by giving yourself a break from them during hectic season.
> I know I'm a terrible Aunt 'cause I don't see my neices and nephews much at all.
>RRRRRgh. Wrong. I have aunts and uncles I rarely saw, but who were there for me when I wanted to call or write, and had a large influence on my life. They didn't much get along with my parents. At first I thought they were The Enemy. But ... they were not Bad Aunts and Uncles.
> They don't understand my
well hon, it sounds like they're not very accepting of what they don't understand. How about telling us some about THEIR not being good relatives?
> My News Years Resolution is to keep my opposing views of important issues to myself
>You have time to change this before New Years!!! please do. Celebrate yourself. You'll be a better person for it. Please don't waste energy trying to suppress your values around these people. If you're depressed and have this kind of issues, you definitely don't need it compounded by playing charades.
> I wish I WAS over itWell girl, you ain't over it. Because it's never been dealt with healthfully. (Not that you'd ever be "over" it as in "wasn't that fun and aren't we a fab fam!")
> I guess I'm just venting.I think you need to vent more. You have a lot of crap on your holiday plate, and you shouldn't have to eat it, even if those who served it up are singing carols.
I'm sorry if I seem unpleasant. I identify with a lot of what you've said here, and I have plenty of faaaaaaaamily ick myself, and I've taken a maverick route for holidays. Clearly that's not for everyone.
Posted by BlackSheep on December 23, 2002, at 8:49:41
In reply to Re: Guilt for not spending time with Family » BlackSheep, posted by Medusa on December 23, 2002, at 0:58:23
Thanks for a great reply.
This is the end of the thread.
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