Posted by Medusa on December 23, 2002, at 0:58:23
In reply to Guilt for not spending time with Family, posted by BlackSheep on December 20, 2002, at 9:53:18
> I'm feeling very guilty and selfish for not seeing my family over the holidays.
>Okay. Can you accept the guilt, and then re-situate the problem? The system expects you to spend holidays with biofamily. Can you define a new system? If you take the elements of the first system:
-family is important
-holidays are important
-holidays are often work-vacation days
they can be the exact same elements of a different system, but arranged differently. In your present system, the above items mean that you MUST spend holidays with your biofamily.Can you add an element? that would be
-*I* am important
and perhaps a supplement:
-there are work-holidays besides xmas (or whatever you celebrate)So ... bear with me here ... a new system could honor all the points, AND give you a wonderful holiday by yourSELF, with things YOU like to do. Family isn't best served by holiday time, so you're doing your family a favor by giving yourself a break from them during hectic season.
> I know I'm a terrible Aunt 'cause I don't see my neices and nephews much at all.
>RRRRRgh. Wrong. I have aunts and uncles I rarely saw, but who were there for me when I wanted to call or write, and had a large influence on my life. They didn't much get along with my parents. At first I thought they were The Enemy. But ... they were not Bad Aunts and Uncles.
> They don't understand my
well hon, it sounds like they're not very accepting of what they don't understand. How about telling us some about THEIR not being good relatives?
> My News Years Resolution is to keep my opposing views of important issues to myself
>You have time to change this before New Years!!! please do. Celebrate yourself. You'll be a better person for it. Please don't waste energy trying to suppress your values around these people. If you're depressed and have this kind of issues, you definitely don't need it compounded by playing charades.
> I wish I WAS over itWell girl, you ain't over it. Because it's never been dealt with healthfully. (Not that you'd ever be "over" it as in "wasn't that fun and aren't we a fab fam!")
> I guess I'm just venting.I think you need to vent more. You have a lot of crap on your holiday plate, and you shouldn't have to eat it, even if those who served it up are singing carols.
I'm sorry if I seem unpleasant. I identify with a lot of what you've said here, and I have plenty of faaaaaaaamily ick myself, and I've taken a maverick route for holidays. Clearly that's not for everyone.
poster:Medusa
thread:33690
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021218/msgs/33781.html