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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:59:03
I've been feeling really sexually frustrated lately. My girlfriend is in therapy dealing with sexual abuse issues and has said that we need to stop having sex for a while. I thought that I could deal with that, but she has been treating me like I'm a big pervert if I even give her a squeeze. Meanwhile, she give me mixed messages by acting sexy sometimes and then pulling away when I respond.
What is up with this? I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't have sex sometime soon. Plus I'm scared --- we just moved in together a couple of months ago, and I'm scared that we'll just end up another lesbian couple that gets fat and rarely has sex.
I am really pissed. We've been together over a year and have had good sex up until now. Now, recently, I've fallen in love with her and proven my commitment -- and this is my reward. She starts dealing with her abuse issues in therapy and suddenly I'm cut off.
I feel so frustrated. I love her, but I wish I could have sex with someone else to have my needs met. (I brought this up and she was really hurt by the idea, and told me I'd end up living somewhere else if I acted out on the plan. So, bad idea.)
What the hell?
book "sticky fingers" gurl99
Posted by Tabßitha on October 24, 2002, at 2:45:09
In reply to feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:59:03
Sounds kinda lousy, but maybe it could become an opportunity to explore your own sexuality, partner-free. Get thee to http://www.Blowfish.com and buy some solo sex goodies.
Posted by Dinah on October 24, 2002, at 3:37:08
In reply to feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:59:03
Well, I don't know if this will be much consolation to you, but you could look at it as a sign of the faith she has in you and in your relationship. She feels safe enough with you to not feel compelled to do something that she's not really ready to do until she works it out. Just think of all the years she may have felt compelled to act, and now she really wants to have a genuine loving relationship with you, based on a healthy enjoyment of her sexuality. It could be quite a compliment.
Posted by NikkiT2 on October 24, 2002, at 6:24:44
In reply to feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:59:03
My husband hasn't been able to have sex for the past year so I know how you feel...
But, I put up with it as I love him so much and could never do naything to jepourdise our relationship.
I just rely on my little battery operated thing!! *grins*
Nikki x
Posted by ~Alii~ on October 25, 2002, at 1:44:14
In reply to feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:59:03
bookgurl99,
If this is the woman that you love why not make an effort on your part to try to understand what *she* is going through? There are hundreds of books available on sexual abuse; some very broad in scope and other quite specific to the type of abuse, the age the abuse took place, etc.
I hear you saying that your are frustrated that your needs aren't being met and that you're angry. Is there a possibility of you talking to a professional regarding these feelings? Or perhaps even seeing if your gf and her therapist think it might be helpful for you to attend one of her sessions?
If my partner had said to me that she/he would want to seek sex elsewhere due to my not being able to meet her/his needs because of my therapeutic goal (healing from sexual assault) I would be soooooo insulted.
I guess I'm just wishing you would try to consider approaching this from the other side of things and see where she is coming from. She is obviously in need of a lot of loving support right now. Try to see if you can't educate yourself in ways of supporting her without putting your needs on the back burner. It is just as important for you to take care of yourself at this time.
And as far as the other suggestions in this thread regarding toys....go for it. Self pleasuring isn't the same as partner action but it can be a very enjoyable and loving thing to do for yourself.
Take care of you and think about how much you are willing to do to help take care of your gf. I sense a lot of resentment and anger in your post.
The above is just my opinion and first thoughts on reading your post.
I wish both you and your gf peace on this difficult journey ahead.
Namaste.
~~Alii
>>>>>I've been feeling really sexually frustrated lately. My girlfriend is in therapy dealing with sexual abuse issues and has said that we need to stop having sex for a while. I thought that I could deal with that, but she has been treating me like I'm a big pervert if I even give her a squeeze. Meanwhile, she give me mixed messages by acting sexy sometimes and then pulling away when I respond.
What is up with this? I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't have sex sometime soon. Plus I'm scared --- we just moved in together a couple of months ago, and I'm scared that we'll just end up another lesbian couple that gets fat and rarely has sex.
I am really pissed. We've been together over a year and have had good sex up until now. Now, recently, I've fallen in love with her and proven my commitment -- and this is my reward. She starts dealing with her abuse issues in therapy and suddenly I'm cut off.
I feel so frustrated. I love her, but I wish I could have sex with someone else to have my needs met. (I brought this up and she was really hurt by the idea, and told me I'd end up living somewhere else if I acted out on the plan. So, bad idea.)What the hell?
book "sticky fingers" gurl99<<<<<
Posted by BeardedLady on October 25, 2002, at 5:49:30
In reply to feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:59:03
I can see why this is difficult for you. I think it goes way beyond sex, but I could be very, very wrong, and I hope I am!
I have a ton (that would be in weight, I believe) of lesbian friends due to the area where I live--and, I guess, due to the people I like. (Half of my birthday party guests were gay friends and neighbors!)
A few of my lesbian friends (one in particular, who has been my exercise buddy for a bazillion years) have suffered from sexual abuse by a father or uncle. For almost all of them, it is what turned them off to men, and few of them ever got any therapy for this abuse, either as a child or as an adult. This one, though, has had girlfriends since I have known her but has felt that this was not her choice; there are many men she wanted to date, and I think she was even about to marry one (but that's another story).
This is certainly not true in every case, but so many of my friends are divorced or are women who, in later life, simply changed their minds and chose women companions (I'm 40, remember; you're a spring chicken!) when they woke up one morning unmarried!
So I guess I am wondering if you are worried that exploring her sexual abuse in therapy might also have her exploring more of herself and coming to conclusions that might have her resenting who she is.
Does this sound right, or am I way off the mark? Because sure, sex is lots of fun, especially in a young relationship. But this moratorium probably won't last; it sounds like you are a pretty strong pair.
Maybe you can join her in some therapy after she's had a few sessions?
I think that after she's been through a little more therapy you could discuss how you feel with her, but right now, she may feel pressured by you and take longer in her therapy progress.
Good luck. I don't find toys to be all that much fun, and fingers are free. But you oughta try to have those nighttime orgasms that I am lucky enough to have a few times a month!
beardy
Posted by sleepy lizard on October 27, 2002, at 0:12:45
In reply to Re: feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy » bookgurl99, posted by BeardedLady on October 25, 2002, at 5:49:30
It is a difficult situation all around. If you stay in the relationship you may be ideally suited to help due to the emotional comittment. If you stay, and you can not handle the sexual isolation, you may resent it and feel rejected leading to low self esteem over time. You may need to consider if you can cope with the situation if it does not improve.
Posted by bookgurl99 on October 27, 2002, at 20:14:54
In reply to Re: feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy » bookgurl99, posted by BeardedLady on October 25, 2002, at 5:49:30
Hmm, some complex thoughts.
I don't know, I guess maybe because my gf is more of a bottom and I'm more of a top, that part of me is a little insecure about her sexuality. I mean, she says she thinks I'm hot, but since she's really _really_ a bottom, I wonder sometimes. (Don't take this to mean that I'm butch, however.)
I asked her just the other day if she felt that the abuse was related to her sexual orientation, and she said no. She said she was always kinda gay -- even from a young age, her brother was like "you're gay." I believe her on that, because I was never abused and don't see it as related. (In fact, I don't know _any_ lesbians who see being a lesbian as related to abuse, maybe one bi woman though.)
I don't think, though, it's a sexual orientation issue so much as that I need reassurance that she thinks I'm hot. The lesbian bed death thing is a frightning specter. Plus, I'm a really sexual person. Obviously I need to channel the energy elsewhere, but I naturally have a lot of creative power in the sexual arena. (Hey, I'm Puerto Rican; I can't help it.)
Meanwhile, my body has taken over and I'm starting to have really sexual dreams at night. (Friday night I dreamt about doin' it with a quite muscular faggy gay boy.) And I'm planning on picking up some toys and a copy of _On Our Backs._ :D
Posted by bookgurl99 on October 27, 2002, at 20:23:40
In reply to Re: feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy » BeardedLady, posted by bookgurl99 on October 27, 2002, at 20:14:54
MJC,
Thanks a lot for helping me to put it in perspective.
Please understand that I don't practice being an asshole; sometimes it just comes naturally. Part of my posting online is to have a place to discuss these feelings and gain understanding _without_ having to burden or hurt my gf. (Yes, asking her about opening up our relationship was a bad idea -- for my relationship with her. But I really experienced it as flat-out rejection unconnected to her abuse issues.)
Anyways, we're going to go visit a therapist to talk about things together. It's just a really hard time for both of us right now. We both have jobs we hate, and health struggles right now. So I think this tipped things over into the red.
bookgurl99
Posted by BeardedLady on October 28, 2002, at 5:46:25
In reply to Re: feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy » BeardedLady, posted by bookgurl99 on October 27, 2002, at 20:14:54
I am betting it will all work out for you, then. You sound chipper, and that's nice to hear.
beardy
Posted by Kath on October 29, 2002, at 15:33:46
In reply to feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:59:03
I think I'd feel betrayed if I were in that situation. In actual fact, I suspect that the situation is a reflection of how safe & respected she feels with you!
Sexual abuse issues are ENORMOUS. There's a book that might be of great help to you. It's called "Allies in Healing" (When the Person You Love was Sexually Abused as a Child) - "A Support Book for Partners" It is by Laura Davis, a co-author of a most amazing book on sexual abuse - "The Courage to Heal".
Allies in Healing is extremely easy to read & a large portion of it consists of partners' quesitons & then answers to them & discussions of issues. I suspect that issues other than "let's not have sex" might arise during the therapy. Having access to this type of book might really help you!
The copy I have was published in 1991 by Harper Perennial (Division of HarperCollins) Publisher.
Best of luck, Kath
PS - also, your local library might be able to obtain the book for you.
PSS - maybe you can set up "safe" touching - both of you knowing what the boundaries are. For those of us who were sexually abused, it can be very hard to be sensual without being afraid that the other person will interpret it as an invitation to be sexual. This is an issue that I have to deal with as a "survivor" of sexual abuse.
Warm thoughts, Kath
> I've been feeling really sexually frustrated lately. My girlfriend is in therapy dealing with sexual abuse issues and has said that we need to stop having sex for a while. I thought that I could deal with that, but she has been treating me like I'm a big pervert if I even give her a squeeze. Meanwhile, she give me mixed messages by acting sexy sometimes and then pulling away when I respond.
>
> What is up with this? I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't have sex sometime soon. Plus I'm scared --- we just moved in together a couple of months ago, and I'm scared that we'll just end up another lesbian couple that gets fat and rarely has sex.
>
> I am really pissed. We've been together over a year and have had good sex up until now. Now, recently, I've fallen in love with her and proven my commitment -- and this is my reward. She starts dealing with her abuse issues in therapy and suddenly I'm cut off.
>
> I feel so frustrated. I love her, but I wish I could have sex with someone else to have my needs met. (I brought this up and she was really hurt by the idea, and told me I'd end up living somewhere else if I acted out on the plan. So, bad idea.)
>
> What the hell?
>
> book "sticky fingers" gurl99
>
>
Posted by bookgurl99 on October 29, 2002, at 19:50:05
In reply to Re: feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by Kath on October 29, 2002, at 15:33:46
> PSS - maybe you can set up "safe" touching - both of you knowing what the boundaries are. For those of us who were sexually abused, it can be very hard to be sensual without being afraid that the other person will interpret it as an invitation to be sexual. This is an issue that I have to deal with as a "survivor" of sexual abuse.
>
Kath, thanks for the suggestion. I'll definitely go out and check on the book.As for the 'safe touching,' we've tried that and I find that my partner gives me mixed messages -- she'll go beyond the set boundaries and sometimes be ok with that and sometimes be freaked out if I then proceed to the same point she does.
So we're going to therapy next week to talk about this.
What I _really_ don't understand, though, is that my partner is more frightened of sex now that we're closer than before, and that she is likely to call me 'horny' or some other negative word when _she_ is feeling sexual.
bookie
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 29, 2002, at 23:40:13
In reply to Re: feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by Kath on October 29, 2002, at 15:33:46
> There's a book that might be of great help to you. It's called "Allies in Healing" (When the Person You Love was Sexually Abused as a Child) - "A Support Book for Partners" It is by Laura Davis, a co-author of a most amazing book on sexual abuse - "The Courage to Heal".
I'd just like to plug the new double double quote feature. But I don't mean to be pushy. Did you deliberately not use it to link to Amazon? If so, I'd be interested in why, over at PBA:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020918/msgs/7717.html
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by Tabßitha on October 30, 2002, at 2:24:04
In reply to Re: feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 29, 2002, at 19:50:05
> As for the 'safe touching,' we've tried that and I find that my partner gives me mixed messages -- she'll go beyond the set boundaries and sometimes be ok with that and sometimes be freaked out if I then proceed to the same point she does.
Hey Bookie, I'll bet she needs for you to stick to the set boundaries, while she is free to do whatever is comfortable for her. If her boundaries were violated in the past, she probably needs extra control over them right now until she feels safer. What if you just relax and let her drive?
Posted by tina on October 30, 2002, at 7:24:03
In reply to Re: double double quotes » Kath, posted by Dr. Bob on October 29, 2002, at 23:40:13
and do we HAVE to use it whenever we suggest a book? Is it a faux-pas if we don't want to and will we get a PBC?
Posted by ~Alii~ on October 30, 2002, at 9:31:34
In reply to Re: she didn't know about it » Dr. Bob, posted by tina on October 30, 2002, at 7:24:03
Posted by bookgurl99 on October 30, 2002, at 13:57:33
In reply to Re: feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 29, 2002, at 19:50:05
"Ridley Walker"
"Puddle Dive"
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 30, 2002, at 18:37:12
In reply to Re: she didn't know about it » Dr. Bob, posted by tina on October 30, 2002, at 7:24:03
> and do we HAVE to use it whenever we suggest a book? Is it a faux-pas if we don't want to and will we get a PBC?
See:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020918/msgs/8019.html
Bob
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 30, 2002, at 18:37:44
In reply to Testing out books posting, posted by bookgurl99 on October 30, 2002, at 13:57:33
Posted by bookgurl99 on October 30, 2002, at 20:57:37
In reply to Re: thanks! but what happened to the last two? (nm), posted by Dr. Bob on October 30, 2002, at 18:37:44
One of them, "Riddley Walker" was spelled wrong, and the 2nd one is the title of an album.
Just by typing off the top of my head all the fiction books I posted to were dystopias. SAD must be affecting me, or maybe just plain ol' nerdiness. :D
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