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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fiona on July 27, 2002, at 14:26:01
Hello all,
I need a little advice. I have started seeing a new therapist and at the moment we have been discussing family issues, namely my Mum. A lot of my messed up thoughts are about the way that she treats me and my sister. I guess I am starting to get to grips with the idea that some things are not my problem, but my Mum's. My therapist says that I cannot be responsible for my Mother's shortcomings and emotional problems.
My sister and I have discussed this quite frequently, especially recently, and we think it may be a good idea if my Mum saw someone to work on her own issues. Do you think this is a good idea? and if so, how do we go about talking to her about it? She is not the easiest person to talk to about things, never mind about mental health issues! And to suggest that she has some of her own would make her have kittens!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.Fiona
Posted by SandraDee on July 27, 2002, at 14:47:22
In reply to I need some advice, posted by fiona on July 27, 2002, at 14:26:01
I have a similar problem with my mom. Only I don't have the sister to hash it out with, I talk to my dad about it. We can't figure out what is wrong with her, but we know something is definately out of whack upstairs. :) She doesn't have days where she doesn't sleep or anything, but she might have a borderline personality disorder or something. We've just come to the conclusion things will be that way forever. She is not one that will take that at all. MY mom will (most likely) feel trapped and ganged up on. Your mom and situation might be different, just telling you what we decided. Her son (my half brother - given up for adoption) has major depression and was given a script and goes to therapy... in therapy they told him it might be something to do with his family line... when he called her and told her, she blew up saying it was not her fault he was depressed. (He's separated - probably going to be divorced soon.) She blamed it on his wife/home issues. Just my input. Sorry - not very helpful now that I review it! :(
Posted by fiona on July 27, 2002, at 15:28:21
In reply to Definately not an expert... » fiona, posted by SandraDee on July 27, 2002, at 14:47:22
My Mum thinks she is in the Waltons, and having 2 daughters with bipolar disorders has seriously put a big whopping scratch across the lenses of her rose tinted glasses. At the moment the blame is being bounced around a little (cos it couldn't possibly be her) but she is very good at the guilt thing.
Don't get me wrong, I know she loves me, but EVERYTHING always seems to be conditional. I guess I just don't measure up (my therapist will give me a row for saying that) to her idea of the perfect daughter and it annoys me that she can't see me for who I am. When I am around her I feel like I am 5 years old, and she still treats me that way a lot of the time too.
She constantly makes me feel bad about about myself, then when I say anything she goes on about how she "doesn't know how I got THAT idea in my head". I feel like screaming at her. Oh dear, I am getting myself all annoyed now. Aaaaargh!
Sorry, didn't mean to scream, but I really needed to.Thanks for your help anyway :)
Posted by SandraDee on July 27, 2002, at 16:01:11
In reply to Re: Definately not an expert... » SandraDee, posted by fiona on July 27, 2002, at 15:28:21
On the same bowling league. Just kidding, my mom doesn't go bowling anymore. My mom sounds so similar. I feel very similar to what you described also. Like I'll never measure up to her standards. I hope I don't do that to my daughter. And *IF* she ever gives a compliment, it's a kiss followed by a slap. I mean, "Your hair looks great, BUT are you really going to wear those jeans?" Or "I love your scrapbooks, BUT couldn't that money be better used elsewhere?" It's never a nice thing alone. Always with a big fat negative downer. I am SOOO breaking that cycle. Anyhow, good luck with finding a way to talk to your mom. It would be lovely if she would listen objectively.
Something Montel uses as his motto that I love is:
"Speak without offending, listen without defending." Maybe you could start with something like that? So she'll really try to listen without getting defensive. (something I need to work on too...) It's a great motto, don't you think?
Posted by Gabbi on July 28, 2002, at 15:23:48
In reply to Sounds like your mum and my mom are... » fiona, posted by SandraDee on July 27, 2002, at 16:01:11
Oh Fiona, if I had the answer to that almost all my problems would be solved. I'm sorry I can't help, except to say, in an earlier post I was saying my mother is the only person I know who can say unflinchingly "I don't need counselling because I'm the only person without any problems"
That about says it right there doesn't it.Then when I saw Sandra's post all I could think of was "Triplets separated at birth reuinited by internet"
So If anyone gives you any successful advice, please could you yell loudly in my direction?
Gabbi-Gabbi
Posted by fiona on July 28, 2002, at 18:11:53
In reply to Re: I need advice, posted by Gabbi on July 28, 2002, at 15:23:48
It is sooo good to realise that I am not the only person in the world who has a mother like mine! She is just really frustrating. I do like the Montel motto though, I might just try it sometime :)
My therapist says that I need to go to my Mum's house the next time as an adult, but I am not exactly sure how to do that. I just find the whole thing very intimidating. I half expect her to spit on her hankerchief and wipe a smudge off my face! I'm 26 and my sister is 29 yet she always has this power to reduce us to 5 inches tall with one comment (usually about the size of our behinds, or our terribly bad judgement when it comes to men!)
This is something I am working on in therapy at the moment, so if I get any results, I'll let you know.Thanks, Fiona :)
Posted by Gabbi on July 28, 2002, at 19:38:03
In reply to Thanks Sandra Gabbi, posted by fiona on July 28, 2002, at 18:11:53
It was the "size of your behinds comment"
I'm in my 30's but still 2inches tall at Mom's
Last time I went (no kidding )I'd lost weight thanks to the depression (sadly ironic, I'm so depressed I don't care) My mom said oh you've lost weight careful you don't want to balloon out again" mmmm lovely thanks MOM. And I do know, that as funny as it can look in print, or on sit-coms it can be excruciating in real-life.The most frustrating part is she flatly denies saying some of the most hideous things. Again at my last visit she said "you have no place to live because nobody wants you" I'd just gotten out of the hospital because I was a suicide risk days before. Lovely again
I know its not just me because my own sister has been a witness, and at our ages we still talk about getting a tape recorder so we can stick it to her, and we aren't particularly immature elsewhere..Take care 'sis best of luck.
Posted by SandraDee on July 28, 2002, at 22:20:52
In reply to Re: alright now I know we're sisters, posted by Gabbi on July 28, 2002, at 19:38:03
Are you the other secret my mom might be keeping?? My mom does stuff like that all the time. Like heading to my ultrasound (when I was pregnant with my last)... She came with me. I already had a girl, so we were doing the normal discussions "what do you hope it's gonna be?" Keep in mind, I'm her DAUGHTER sitting in the same car with her, and I already have a DAUGHTER, and she says... "I hope it's a boy this time. I think mothers have better relationships with boys" I sort of tuned out but still heard "they are easier to love". Much tact? Oh well Gabbi, at least you know you aren't alone. I hope that not much of that rubbed off on me, I mean that I'll pass on to my darlin's.
Posted by Dinah on July 30, 2002, at 12:56:28
In reply to I need some advice, posted by fiona on July 27, 2002, at 14:26:01
My mother has her own problems, but my father is so full of rage and hate that whenever I talk to him, I am left with the urge to self injure or kill myself. It's like I'm a sponge, aborbing his anger, but I turn it on myself, not others.
Perhaps you can tell I just got off the phone with him.
Thanks for letting me vent some of this malignant force.
Posted by Ted on July 30, 2002, at 20:59:29
In reply to With me it's my father., posted by Dinah on July 30, 2002, at 12:56:28
Dinah,
> Thanks for letting me vent some of this malignant force.
That's what we're here for. Vent on us, and not on yourself. Stay safe.
Ted
Posted by Dinah on July 31, 2002, at 5:20:34
In reply to Re: With me it's my father. » Dinah, posted by Ted on July 30, 2002, at 20:59:29
And I did stay safe this time.
Thanks for being willing to listen. :)
Posted by phazedout on August 3, 2002, at 6:27:54
In reply to I need some advice, posted by fiona on July 27, 2002, at 14:26:01
Why are you so concerned about your ma? Is it that you think if she gets help it will help you? Don't you think you run the 'risk' of becoming her support? Don't you think that IF she comes to you with her problems its gonna make the process so much more difficult for you? Hey I know nothing but this: at times I need to see certain people as 'demons' - not that I don't understand they have their own problems but hey if I'm in therapy thinking about how much I understand their problems and how sorry I am for that then how the hell do I deal with my feelings of resentment, abandoment etc., so guess this doesn't really help.
Posted by fiona on August 3, 2002, at 6:49:12
In reply to Re: I need some advice, posted by phazedout on August 3, 2002, at 6:27:54
At the moment I am in therapy dealing with some issues regarding my mum and how crazy she makes me. You have just repeated what my therapist keeps telling me, and it is only recently ie the last couple of days, that it is sinking in. No matter what I do my mum is never going to change, so I need to find a way of interacting with her that I can cope with and find a way of NOT reacting badly to the comments and nit-picking.
I am getting there. Slowly. Thanks for your input :)
Posted by Dinah on August 3, 2002, at 9:10:07
In reply to Re: I need some advice » phazedout, posted by fiona on August 3, 2002, at 6:49:12
If it helps any, I have emotionally divorced my family while keeping in close contact with them. We get along a whole lot better now. It doesn't work with my father's anger because that's more a physical reaction. But with their combined insensitivity it's done wonders.
I don't know if I recommend it though. It just might be a dysfunctional way of coping. My therapist hasn't said what he thinks of it overall, as he seems to think any way at all of dealing with my family (short of cutting) is OK.
Posted by phazedout on August 3, 2002, at 9:22:42
In reply to Re: I need some advice » phazedout » fiona, posted by Dinah on August 3, 2002, at 9:10:07
My whole family is in a state of 'denial' but I do think we could fill the DSM with the various family illnesses - the biggest and most important decision I made was to seek help for myself and hey if the family can't cope with that then fine! The biggest step to wellbeing is saying "I need help" the second is to say it someone who preferrably has less of a problem than you...
The most gut-wrenching time I ever had was when ma actually booked into detox! However, after a short time she left saying they knew less about her problems than she did and promptly took another overdose... Uh, uh, I can't be dealing with that and my problems
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