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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on April 24, 2002, at 10:09:31
What is wrong with me??? I'm 26, a bit heavy but normal looking, depressed but not a psychopath, yet I scare off any man who dares get close to me.
Or should I say, they scare me off. Y'all, I'm 26 and I've NEVER BEEN KISSED. Seriously. Not b/c I haven't longed for it. But because I'm absolutely scared to death to admit my own needs for a romantic/sexual relationship. I've had crushes, a few (very few) dates, but none that have gone past one. I went to college, had guy friends and still do (though now they're all too old or married). I'm extremely attracted to 'safe' guys - in college it was professors, now it's married men, b/c I would never NEVER cross that line, or men who are 20 years my senior. And I've always thought I would just get married, have kids, etc. But now, I don't think it's ever gonna happen.
After 2 1/2 years in therapy, I don't know that I'm any closer to reaching my goal of opening up to a relationship...or 'putting myself out there.' Just can't seem to get to that point. When I do start to open up to the possibility...I get more depressed. Then I can focus on that. My therapist says it's probably in part because of my fear that I become depressed. That the depression, while extremely painful, is also a 'comfort zone' for me, and I think she's exactly right. I mean, I know how to act when I'm depressed. I've been that way for so long, it's all I know really.
This is all coming back up b/c my therapist will be back soon and I'll have to face this problem again. I suppose I don't have to...I could always just join a convent (ha).
But, seriously, it's enough to send me over the edge. I've been feeling quite down lately (again) and hopeless. Like, if this is all there is to life, I don't want it anymore. Like I'm going to be alone forever b/c, obviously, no one would want to be with me. And I can't say that I blame them. I suppose I am just whining about it, but it hurts so much inside. Being alone hurts, and the fear of opening up to someone is overwhelming, so much so that I prefer the hurt. But, truly, I'd prefer to just not be here anymore.
Penny
Posted by Alii on April 24, 2002, at 11:02:40
In reply to What is wrong with me???, posted by Penny on April 24, 2002, at 10:09:31
Penny,
>>>>What is wrong with me???<<<<
Depression. It skews thinking and feelings. This isn't a 'good' thing or a 'bad' thing. It just is. (sorry to sound so zen about it)
What is your therapy like? How often? And what is the trust level with this current therapist?
I've been through 4 pdocs over the years. 7 or 8 therapists from the time I was in my late teens/early twenties. At that time and leading up to the past two years I thought I was like this as well:
>>>After 2 1/2 years in therapy, I don't know that I'm any closer to reaching my goal of
opening up to a relationship...or 'putting myself out there.' Just can't seem to get to that
point. When I do start to open up to the possibility...I get more depressed. Then I can focus
on that....
...I've been feeling quite down lately
(again) and hopeless. Like, if this is all there is to life, I don't want it anymore. Like I'm
going to be alone forever b/c, obviously, no one would want to be with me. And I can't say
that I blame them. I suppose I am just whining about it, but it hurts so much inside. Being
alone hurts, and the fear of opening up to someone is overwhelming, so much so that I
prefer the hurt. But, truly, I'd prefer to just not be here anymore.<<<<I wish I had more clarity to offer better support than the old standby of 'it just takes time'. But the lack of good sleep last night is messing with my ability to grasp what it is I want to say.
As for the fear of opening up...you're on here aren't you? Does this not count as opening up? Or are you refering to person to person? I've been through so many different modalities of therapy and in looking back I can see that I wasn't ready for some of the work I needed to do at those times. It didn't change my frustration at not being happy with where I was at.
As for whining? Whine away. I've found that 90 percent of the time I put something out there (talking to a therapist, friend, or writing in a journal or letter) I feel better just for having gotten something out. The other 10 percent....can't help ya there. Sorry.
Namaste.
--Alii
Posted by Fi on April 24, 2002, at 15:28:43
In reply to What is wrong with me???, posted by Penny on April 24, 2002, at 10:09:31
I know this may be hard to believe, but there is still lots of time to find a partner,and to work things out a bit more with your therapist.
I'm in my mid40s and have friends my own age who only finally got into a relationship in the last few years (one has gone on to have the whole thing: 2 kids, house etc).And also to say that I expected to have that package too, but it just never happened. But its not the end of the world living alone- a lot depends on having friends and being comfortable with yourself.
I would have been *appalled* if I had known when I was your age that I wouldnt end up with a partner and family. But its not a big problem.
Stick in there with the therapist. But also dont be too hard on yourself- with relationships, unlike anything else, it really does take 2 people. And that's not entirely in your control.
Allow yourself a bit of hope and be kinder to yourself? Take care.
Fi
Posted by paxvox2000 on April 26, 2002, at 20:25:00
In reply to What is wrong with me???, posted by Penny on April 24, 2002, at 10:09:31
Penny,
I have not read any of your previous posts, if you have made any, but I will comment about this post. First, how do you feel about yourself, I mean do you LOVE you? I know that may sound trite, but perhaps you are not ALLOWING yourself to let guys get closer to you because you don't feel too good about yourself. Depressive illness, as some have already said, do indeed skew your self-confidence, and your feelings of who (and what) your are, and want to be. At 26, you are still young enough to have a future romantic life with all the trimings, if that's what you WANT. However, as is often said, "what's the use of loving somone else, if you don't love yourself?"
Sooooo...not to sound too campy, but continue your therapy to the degree where you are comfortable with who you are, faults and all, then, IMHO, you will find that maybe that one guy you would never have thought would have given you the time of day, might actually think you are a great person that they would like to get to know.I feel I can say these things, because I have been that route myself. I can personally attest to the fact that unless you are at least IN TOUCH with WHO you are, you never will be who you WANT to be. Also, there is someone out there right now, already waiting to say hello to you, and blush when you smile back at him.
Good luck, let us know how things are going!
PAX
Posted by Penny on April 27, 2002, at 0:03:15
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me??? » Penny, posted by Fi on April 24, 2002, at 15:28:43
Thanks, Fi.
I'm going to hang in with therapy. At this point, I see no other choice. And, both my therapist and my pdoc have hope for me, if I do not. At some point, maybe I'll find that for myself. I fear it's a long way off.
Penny
Posted by Penny on April 27, 2002, at 0:24:49
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me??? » Penny, posted by paxvox2000 on April 26, 2002, at 20:25:00
> First, how do you feel about yourself, I mean do you LOVE you?
Of course I don't. Not to overstate the obvious, but if I really LOVED myself, perhaps I wouldn't be in the hellhole I feel like I'm in 90 percent of the time.I guess I don't know how to love myself. Really and truly. Because I don't really believe that I am worthy of love. My own or anyone else's. And that's my problem. I suppose I shouldn't have asked 'what is wrong with me' b/c I already know. I just don't know how to fix it.
>I can personally attest to the fact that unless you are at least IN TOUCH with WHO you are, you never will be who you WANT to be.
I know you are right. And I think that is exactly what I'm afraid of. I don't like myself, so I refuse to let anyone get close enough to me to see the *real* me. Even with my female friends, when I have been too 'real', I've ended up hurt. I've learned how to put on a front, and I don't trust, b/c then I get hurt. My experience has been that people don't like the real me. And I guess that's largely b/c I don't either. But it's a catch-22.
My therapist does a great deal of cognitive therapy with me, which has at least helped me to recognize when I'm thinking negatively about myself. But undoing 26 years of negative thinking takes a long time. And even my therapist has pointed out that I'm one of the best she's ever seen at putting myself down. Now there's something to be proud of. But, she says, she can sit and tell me all day what a good person I am, etc. etc. etc., but until I believe it myself, it's not going to make a difference.
And why don't I believe it? I wish I knew. I told her once that the only time I'm irrational is when it comes to my feelings/thoughts about myself. My second major in college was philosophy. So I can argue that the sky is really green, grass is purple and everyone is worthy of love, and therefore should love themselves. But I can't convince my own self of that. I see goodness in others, not in myself. And I always try to please other people (I'm the classic nurturer - even work as a part-time nanny). I truly think I do that simply b/c it's the only way others will want to be with me...if I take care of them. If I can give them something, provide them with some service.
Yeah, my self-esteem is nonexistant. I know that. What do I do about it? How do I convince myself that I'm worthy of love, and how do I love myself?
Thanks, Pax.
PennyBTW - I've been posting on the board since February of this year.
Posted by paxvox2000 on April 27, 2002, at 19:59:58
In reply to Re: what IS wrong with me... » paxvox2000, posted by Penny on April 27, 2002, at 0:24:49
OK, I think, perhaps, you mentioned something that might be the key to getting yourself on the right track. You said you are a part time nanny, and a natural nurturer. Perhaps that is, as you say, a way of finding a way to get others to accept you. However, I think there's more to it. When I was feeling lowest in my life, I started to become involved in world missions through my church. (I am not going to proseltytize here, just make an example). The short version of a long story (I could tell you too much about the depravation in this world) is that when I started to HELP OTHERS, I not only found some sense of reward (not because I felt I was doing anything "noble") in what I was doing, but I began to feel better about myself. I found a purpose for me to NEED to be in control of myself, to WANT to be the type of person I really knew I COULD be. I have gotten so much out of helping other people over the past 5 years now, that I wish I could do it full time. Of course there are ways to help others in our own little cities and towns. Go to a soup kitchen or rescue center and volunteer a day. I guess it may well boil down to seeing the greater needs of others makes me realize how well I really have it, and that I want to be right in that world. Sense of purpose I guess you can call it. Some people live for no other reason than to take care of their kids. For others, it's their job. You need to find something that provides you with this sense of purpose, and, then hopefully you will begin to see that you are not the worthless unloveable person you think you are now. Maybe you think this is all fluff and sugar, maybe it's not the right thing for you. But how long do you want to stay as you are? Is it not, perhaps, time to step out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself? I feel that there are very few people who have no value in this world, or who cannot be turned into valuable people. Maybe you are just a gem that has yet to be cleaned and polished. Maybe then, not only you but the world will see the precious jewel that you are.
PAX
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