Posted by Penny on April 27, 2002, at 0:24:49
In reply to Re: What is wrong with me??? » Penny, posted by paxvox2000 on April 26, 2002, at 20:25:00
> First, how do you feel about yourself, I mean do you LOVE you?
Of course I don't. Not to overstate the obvious, but if I really LOVED myself, perhaps I wouldn't be in the hellhole I feel like I'm in 90 percent of the time.I guess I don't know how to love myself. Really and truly. Because I don't really believe that I am worthy of love. My own or anyone else's. And that's my problem. I suppose I shouldn't have asked 'what is wrong with me' b/c I already know. I just don't know how to fix it.
>I can personally attest to the fact that unless you are at least IN TOUCH with WHO you are, you never will be who you WANT to be.
I know you are right. And I think that is exactly what I'm afraid of. I don't like myself, so I refuse to let anyone get close enough to me to see the *real* me. Even with my female friends, when I have been too 'real', I've ended up hurt. I've learned how to put on a front, and I don't trust, b/c then I get hurt. My experience has been that people don't like the real me. And I guess that's largely b/c I don't either. But it's a catch-22.
My therapist does a great deal of cognitive therapy with me, which has at least helped me to recognize when I'm thinking negatively about myself. But undoing 26 years of negative thinking takes a long time. And even my therapist has pointed out that I'm one of the best she's ever seen at putting myself down. Now there's something to be proud of. But, she says, she can sit and tell me all day what a good person I am, etc. etc. etc., but until I believe it myself, it's not going to make a difference.
And why don't I believe it? I wish I knew. I told her once that the only time I'm irrational is when it comes to my feelings/thoughts about myself. My second major in college was philosophy. So I can argue that the sky is really green, grass is purple and everyone is worthy of love, and therefore should love themselves. But I can't convince my own self of that. I see goodness in others, not in myself. And I always try to please other people (I'm the classic nurturer - even work as a part-time nanny). I truly think I do that simply b/c it's the only way others will want to be with me...if I take care of them. If I can give them something, provide them with some service.
Yeah, my self-esteem is nonexistant. I know that. What do I do about it? How do I convince myself that I'm worthy of love, and how do I love myself?
Thanks, Pax.
PennyBTW - I've been posting on the board since February of this year.
poster:Penny
thread:22547
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020422/msgs/22700.html