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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LiLi80 on April 1, 2002, at 20:30:47
I still want to die. That hasnt gone away. I tried to hang myself again. I am so behind on my hw and i need to do it for graduating, I know i am not doing it because i think i will succeed in killing myself before graduation. sometimes i think i am too stupid to do it or i am too scared of the pain.
Posted by KB on April 1, 2002, at 20:54:09
In reply to miserable.........., posted by LiLi80 on April 1, 2002, at 20:30:47
I used to feel the same way - like I was too stupid to do my homework and later I felt professionally incompetent - but it turned out that once my meds started working, those feelings went away.
I know you feel overwhelmed and desperate right now,I've felt it too, but try to focus on getting yourself some help - get yourself to the student health service or a local ER or find a suicide hotline in the phone book. Remember, if you get help and feel rotten anyway, you can still kill yourself later, but it doesn't work the other way around.
Good luck . .. I'll be thinking of you.
Posted by IsoM on April 1, 2002, at 21:50:37
In reply to miserable.........., posted by LiLi80 on April 1, 2002, at 20:30:47
Lili, your mind is still good, it's just not sharp right now. Depression is such a creativity & intelligence destroyer. I don't care how brilliant someone might be, depression makes them dumb - I've seen it happen to everyone I've known when they're having really down. It did (does) for me, it did for my son & heck, he's got an IQ of 155! But when he was depressed, he said his brain just wouldn't work & he'd break down into tears & feeling suicidal.
Lili, I'm not suggesting what you should do. All I can give you is my case. I know this'll sound conceited but I have a brilliant mind, high CQ (creativity quotient) & high IQ but I've decided university isn't for me (after a few attempts). My ADD limits what I can manipulate in my mind at one time even when I'm not depressed. I can't handle the heavy course loads, labs & endless nights of homework (& not enough sleep).
I've decided to stick to work where I can use what I do know but can be physically active too which I very much need. In one way, I feel like I'm settling for less - I know my mind's capable of much more but my psyche isn't. I know that in Mensa & in other high IQ societies, there's many people from common walks of life such as garbage collectors, housewives, gardeners, etc. Having high intelligence & a successful, well-paying career doesn't guarantee happiness by any means.
What I'm trying to say is:
Do you need to finish your university now? Can you take time off for even a year or two, if necessary, to re-evaluate your life & goals? What good is it to try to finish all the accumulated homework if the outcome is suicide? The accumulation of homework (& falling further behind in some courses while trying to do the piles of homework in others) when I was at university was a MAJOR source of stress & anxiety for me. And it only got worse. I finally decided I needed out. Lili, rethink where you're going, please.
Posted by Mair on April 1, 2002, at 22:37:02
In reply to Re: miserable.......... » LiLi80, posted by IsoM on April 1, 2002, at 21:50:37
Lil
I agree with KB and Iso. At some point you have to make some concessions to your illness. I never wanted to do that because it seemed like I would be giving up or something, but I think it's so much wiser to pace yourself and take care of yourself in ways that probably seem foreign to you right now. In the grand scheme of your life, doing well this semester is so irrelevant.
I know that the worst depressive feelings always have a very permanent aspect to them, but they really aren't. You have to hold onto the thought that you will not always feel as suicidal as you do now.
Keep posting and keep us posted - pun definitely intended. (-:
Mair
Posted by LiLi80 on April 1, 2002, at 22:40:54
In reply to Re: miserable.......... » LiLi80, posted by IsoM on April 1, 2002, at 21:50:37
Posted by LiLi80 on April 1, 2002, at 22:42:55
In reply to Re: miserable.........., posted by Mair on April 1, 2002, at 22:37:02
Posted by Penny on April 1, 2002, at 23:20:35
In reply to miserable.........., posted by LiLi80 on April 1, 2002, at 20:30:47
Lili,
I'll have to echo what everyone else has said. I'm sure you've heard this before: suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know that when I feel like you do (which is often) I can't see any way out of it. But then, on occasion, I get a glimpse of what life might be like IF and WHEN I beat this disease that's controlling my mind (sorry if this sounds sappy). And that's truly what it's doing...controlling your mind. My therapist likes to put it another way: this is a feeling, and feelings change. It's not who you are, it's what you're experiencing. And it's not permanent, no matter how bad it might seem right now.
Is there anything/anyone (just ONE thing) you can focus on to hang on to SOME hope? For me, as silly as it sounds, it was my dogs. Find something...anything, and stay focused on that.
Weren't you supposed to go to a new pdoc? Have you changed meds?
Please hang in there. You can make it. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but I understand what you're going through, as most of us on the board do.
Feel free to email if you need to: penny1076@yahoo.com
Much love,
Penny
Posted by IsoM on April 2, 2002, at 1:32:13
In reply to i graduate in 4 weeks..it's stupid to wait (nm) » IsoM, posted by LiLi80 on April 1, 2002, at 22:40:54
Lili, if in 4 weeks, you graduate, then I thoroughly understand not wanting to wait. It's so close to finishing.
Another idea then...
Even though the other women in your dorm are nasty, surely there's student services & someone kind enough to understand how serious your depression is & how it's affecting you - suicide attempts & trouble using your mind. Is there any service or recourse to avail yourself of (with student services help) to delay your assignments & graduation for a short while to ease the pressure from you?At university, when I was switching meds & had severe cognitive problems, I was able to delay certain final exams (I had altered exams to write later & even had time & a half to write exams in). I also was given a longer time periods to complete assignments in. I cooperated with the profs & had the help of the Disability Centre to act as a go-between. The centre wasn't just for handicapped students but any that needed special help for medical reasons. I sort of felt like I was cheating to be able to get special allowances made, but was told not to think that way. That's what the services were there for, I was told.
Posted by LiLi80 on April 2, 2002, at 1:41:07
In reply to Graduation in 4 weeks.Understand. Read more please » LiLi80, posted by IsoM on April 2, 2002, at 1:32:13
All those involved in my lawsuit cant or are not allowed to talk to me. My professors give me extensions, but they wont let me "crawl" thru class forever. They are getting annoyed with me, i know they think i should be cured or something by now. They just expect me to do everything at their request. I know i can do the work, but i just cant. does that make sense?
Posted by IsoM on April 2, 2002, at 2:19:24
In reply to I am sueing my school...they cant talk to me » IsoM, posted by LiLi80 on April 2, 2002, at 1:41:07
You wrote:
"I know i can do the work, but i just cant. does that make sense?"Oh yes!! It very much makes sense. It's why I want to bang my head against the walls sometimes - how can I be so smart, yet so stupid at the same time. My comprehension of new, very difficult material is unbelievable. My extrapolation of what can be done with it, & where it all leads to is fantastic. But my ability to remember & how long I can hold on to the steps, or the points, might as well be measured in nanoseconds.
One more last ditch suggestion:
If you're suing, that must mean you have a lawyer, correct? Can the lawyer work out a delay for you too (along with doctor certification)?Arrghh! I'm pulling my hair out trying to think of ways to overcome this obstacle. How about cryogenics till a cure is found for depression? Just kidding, I'm thinking of Fry in the show Futurama. One way to deal with it.
Posted by LiLi80 on April 2, 2002, at 6:03:20
In reply to Re: I am sueing my school...they cant talk to me » LiLi80, posted by IsoM on April 2, 2002, at 2:19:24
Posted by Fi on April 2, 2002, at 10:24:18
In reply to miserable.........., posted by LiLi80 on April 1, 2002, at 20:30:47
Have you talked to a student counselling service or suicide hotline or similar yet? Hope so.
You can enjoy Futurama, and think that you want a degree. Two things which may seem very small, but show a small spark of life and wish to carry on.
There have been a lot of wise words said already. Hang on in there.
From the outside, its clear everything has reached a crisis with your studies- but also that this isnt the end of the world. Honest. Life can go on, and still turn out to be OK,too.
Fi
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