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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by trouble on March 16, 2002, at 13:10:06
S L A T T E R N
She kept her distance from women and who could
blame her I saw her every night I was
the waitress I spoke to her once in the restroom her name was
Rose
she said she was a secretary and we talked about
clothes.
She was built like
a teenage wet dream and exploited every inch of it
I loved looking at her
fat sexy body packed into
skintight miniskirts and spandex tops
fistful of bellyflab
hanging over the waistband every time she sat down
in high heels and loathingPerched on the stool
gulping Cutty Sark
until she'd slow down and
start looking around,
scouting for possibilities.
The aggressive loneliness
scared men away but the
inviting bustline reeled them back in so they'd
pay for her liquor and listen
to her bitch,
whatever it took to
get to those tits.I was jealous
of the trouble she took with these boys I
was envious of the power they had
over her, total transformation every spellbound
night-a little manly attention and she'd
be all right;
throwing her head back and laughing
all coy mojo and crooked smiles
snakey and squirmy all over the barstool
working HARD for three minutes of thrusting
and a squirt in the dark.His hands squeeze her asscheeks like bags of
melted butter his mouth latches onto a swinging nipple-he's worked her double dees clear out of her halter, legs
entwined and
tongues a'tangling
they stumble into the parking lot O RomeoBack in the poolhall
decent women are holding
court disrespecting
Rose
it's the same old song-and-dance, what kinda woman is that?
A woman doing her own thing, a woman
bound to
be screwed up in a world
that makes it that way and what kind of man
is above reproach?Babehound in a leather jacket, shooting stick and hunting tuna
obeying every cultural imperative that's been pounded into his skull since the
day
he
was
born.He may ride a Harley but SHE'S Marlon Brando,
she jokes anyone who
can't take a fuck,
who can't see the braveness of a wild flower pushing itself up through a crack in the sidewalkabout to be stepped on.
trouble
Posted by Zo on March 16, 2002, at 17:54:52
In reply to slattern, posted by trouble on March 16, 2002, at 13:10:06
I dunno. . .It's yr poem, my version doesn't work, but it ain't been run through your mind and your rhythm, but it might give you some idea. You'll like how it looks or not.
The visual shape of a poem is important.
Zo
Posted by trouble on March 16, 2002, at 20:46:03
In reply to Re: slattern, posted by Zo on March 16, 2002, at 17:54:52
I know, Zo, you're saying exactly what I need to learn, but I don't know how. When I put these things in paragraph form it seems so jumbled up. Do you know where I could get some instruction about line breaks? The last academician I showed my poems to said the exact same thing, nowhere near so kindly as you. She said my line breaks were totally fucked, she wouldn't even disucuss them, just told me to go home and read my Bukowski to get an idea what to do.
Ok, so I've read 7 months worth, and the line breaks you're seeing was my big idea of post-Bukowski improvement. ARGGGH.
Anyway, thank you for your thoughts. Can I ask for one more? The Slattern thing goes over well when I perform it, do you think I should just leave it at that, and nix the printed page altogether?
thanks again,
trouble
trouble(I wish I knew why my handle keeps appearing twice like that lately, and I have to go back and remove the second one. Strange, no?)
Posted by Zo on March 17, 2002, at 3:03:15
In reply to For Zo, posted by trouble on March 16, 2002, at 20:46:03
Line breaks are a mystery to me, but they are clearly crucial choices. I don't doubt you perform the poem well! As I copied Sharon Olds for you, I was trying to feel her line breaks, and looking at all her commas. I once lived with a poet--all I can tell you is that line breaks practically are the poem. They direct the reader where to pause, when to take a breath, the punctuation is like cue cards. She gives us very few periods, after her really socko lines. Does this help? It shouldn't be a mystery to you, that I can sense. Play with the poem on paper, see what looks/feels good. That's what my lover used to do.
Posted by trouble on March 17, 2002, at 16:34:13
In reply to Re: For Trouble » trouble, posted by Zo on March 17, 2002, at 3:03:15
Hey Zo, whoo, did you post the Sharol Olds poem on PB? I can't find it! If it got lost and you don't feel like repeating the chore maybe you could tell me how to find it.
How come you know so much about writing, are you an english teacher? You give excellent feedback, I hope I don't abuse it and have to go on some new OCD medication!trouble
Posted by Zo on March 17, 2002, at 21:15:02
In reply to Re: For Trouble, posted by trouble on March 17, 2002, at 16:34:13
Look up. . .it's at the bottom of the Secret History of Prayer and Song thread.
> How come you know so much about writing, are you an english teacher?
Heaven forfend. I'm just a writer.
>You give excellent feedback, I hope I don't abuse it and have to go on some new OCD medication!
Thank you. How would you abuse it and what's that got to do with OCD?
Just wondering,
Zo
This is the end of the thread.
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