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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mist on March 6, 2002, at 23:05:39
I am a lifelong hermit (other than going to work) and need to break the pattern. I need to do something social. But I'm not that motivated. Any ideas for things I could force myself to do after work to meet people? I have no idea what "normal" people (non-hermits) do. I have done some social things in the past but never made it into a lifestyle. It's hard to work up enthusiasm for it yet at the same time I don't like always being alone. I have some friends I ocassionally talk to but have lost interest in seeing them. I would rather meet new people (at least theoretically) but I'm not gregarious. I like lying in bed with the blinds drawn listening to the radio. But at the same time, I hate it.
Posted by ST on March 7, 2002, at 1:38:03
In reply to How can I stop being a hermit?, posted by mist on March 6, 2002, at 23:05:39
Ummmm.....yoga class? Or some other class? Exercise will make you feel good. Plus, everyone is focussing on doing the task at hand and you can kind of blend in, yet you're with people.
Does this even help?
ST
Posted by beardedlady on March 7, 2002, at 14:24:07
In reply to Re: How can I stop being a hermit?, posted by ST on March 7, 2002, at 1:38:03
That's a great idea. I'd add to pick something that you can start at the same time as everybody else, so you can blend in and/or meet folks but not stand out, if being "new" will bug you. If you like to read and your city has one of the big chain bookstores like Borders or Barnes and Noble, you can join their book club discussion groups.
: )>
Posted by susan C on March 7, 2002, at 14:35:40
In reply to How can I stop being a hermit?, posted by mist on March 6, 2002, at 23:05:39
my two bits...if you arent inclined, or have not socialized for a while. Just pick one thing, and try it for a length of time, say, a book club that meets each month, do it for a year...or a class that meets each week and do it for eight or ten weeks, or a week end workshop.
dont be surprised if it turns out you are the first to invite anyone to coffee/tea, I took art classes for a intensive month, and was surprised at the lack of socialization that went on. I thought I would leave with some life long friendships...none, nada, zero.
I have a theory that"our" generation (whatever "our" means) just does not value long term relationships. Or doesnt know how to start and continue them
Any one care to comment on what they are replaced by?
mouse with her dukes up
Posted by beardedlady on March 7, 2002, at 15:33:33
In reply to go slowly, posted by susan C on March 7, 2002, at 14:35:40
> I have a theory that"our" generation (whatever "our" means) just does not value long term relationships. Or doesnt know how to start and continue them
>
> Any one care to comment on what they are replaced by?Yep. The computer. Time to shut the thing off.
: )>
Posted by Gracie2 on March 7, 2002, at 20:44:41
In reply to Re: go slowly, posted by beardedlady on March 7, 2002, at 15:33:33
Barnes & Noble is a very good idea, if you're a reader (I always look aghast at people who say they don't like to read, but that's just me.) They have discussion groups and poetry readings, you could always sidle up to one of these meetings. Sometimes they have musicians and they have a bulletin board announcing upcoming events and stuff to do elsewhere. The yoga class is another good idea, and so is volunteering. Usually I meet people when I'm not looking to meet people, though. But you have to get out the door.
-Gracie (fellow hermit)
Posted by mist on March 7, 2002, at 23:12:59
In reply to How can I stop being a hermit?, posted by mist on March 6, 2002, at 23:05:39
Thank you all. Those are all good ideas and comments. I will respond more in detail later. Too tired to even think right now! -mist
Posted by beardedlady on March 8, 2002, at 6:35:38
In reply to Re: How can I stop being a hermit?, posted by mist on March 7, 2002, at 23:12:59
Posted by sar on March 8, 2002, at 10:09:13
In reply to Re: How can I stop being a hermit?, posted by mist on March 7, 2002, at 23:12:59
there's that semi-corny maxim that says something like, "To have a friend, you must be a friend." i'm somewhat a hermit myself, but i frequent the same places regularly (cafes, the library, the dry cleaner, etc) and find myself talking to people who talk to me first. i wouldn't call these people "friends" necessarily, but recently a cafe manager that i've acquainted myself with has comped me free lunches until i get my paycheck, my dry cleaner sometimes hooks me up w/ bargains, and my neighbors recently gave me some furniture they didn't use anymore.
initially, i didn't want to talk with these people. but once you do, it's a delight... :)
we had a thread going awhile back in which some wise person said that she didn't go to a dance class (or something) "looking for friends." that woulda been kinda gimpy. she was just there to practice her dance technique, practice it hard, and she accidentally ended up talking to people.
on the thread we all agreed (i think) that it's best not to try too hard.
Posted by Fi on March 9, 2002, at 13:33:44
In reply to Re: How can I stop being a hermit?, posted by sar on March 8, 2002, at 10:09:13
I'm another one. I confess!!
A lot of the comments already posted look good. I would agree how people dont necessarily socialise after classes- I've been to quite a lot over the years. As has already been said, you need to go because you are interested in the class.
I would add that studying- if you have the time, interest, fees and energy, is another option. I did a short Open University course which included meeting up regularly in a tutorial group, which went well.
Tho it was the same as work friendships, in that it only lasted as long as the course. Tho the friends I have now include 2 who are ex-colleagues. Are there any current colleagues you can socialise with? If the evenings are complicated by peoples' childcare etc, you can still have lunch breaks together.
Voluntary work is a particularly good idea, as you have time to chat (which you dont in classes). If you have the energy to do it, tho.
I noted that you said you wanted *new* friends, rather than the ones you have already. Obviously, you know better than anyone else, but are the current friends a complete waste of time? Personally, I can be too fussy.
I think the mobility of people has a lot to do with the change, particularly in big cities. You have more chance of building up a network of friends if you spend your life in the same small town, I would guess. I wouldnt do any more socialising without a computer, by the way- this is extra!
Good luck with whatever you decide to try!
Fi
Posted by Ritch on March 9, 2002, at 14:24:57
In reply to go slowly, posted by susan C on March 7, 2002, at 14:35:40
> my two bits...if you arent inclined, or have not socialized for a while. Just pick one thing, and try it for a length of time, say, a book club that meets each month, do it for a year...or a class that meets each week and do it for eight or ten weeks, or a week end workshop.
>
> dont be surprised if it turns out you are the first to invite anyone to coffee/tea, I took art classes for a intensive month, and was surprised at the lack of socialization that went on. I thought I would leave with some life long friendships...none, nada, zero.
>
> I have a theory that"our" generation (whatever "our" means) just does not value long term relationships. Or doesnt know how to start and continue them
>
> Any one care to comment on what they are replaced by?
>
> mouse with her dukes up
Hi Susan/Mist,An art class usually is very quiet unless you have a very charismatic and chatty teacher. Mist-try a *beginning* foreign language class. French or Spanish, whatever. I had more fun in my college Spanish class than any other. It can be a real blast because you are dealing with such ordinary questions and statements:
"I have three cousins who live in the city."
"When do we go to the theatre?"
"I think I would like a cheeseburger."One time the instructor told us to think of a food or drink to ask a stewardess on an airplane. I said "Chitos" just for fun. It took the teacher about five minutes to figure out I was just kidding. Let's see what is Chitos in Spanish??
Mitch
Posted by ambrosialdelight on March 10, 2002, at 14:42:11
In reply to Re: How can I stop being a hermit?, posted by Fi on March 9, 2002, at 13:33:44
to recovering hermits: How do you make yourself actually walk out the door and do these things once you've identified them? You know resist the comfortable bed, tv and the books you ordered online that arrived yesterday.
Posted by mist on March 10, 2002, at 16:00:24
In reply to How can I stop being a hermit?, posted by mist on March 6, 2002, at 23:05:39
Thank you for your responses everyone. I enjoyed hearing your thoughts on the matter. I'll keep your ideas and observations in mind as I proceed. The activities suggested sound like they would appeal to me.
I think for me it's largely a matter of convincing myself to be out in the world rather than at home—that the effort is worth it. (Good question, ambrosialdelight.) I'm sure this has to do at least in part with the fact that I'm still somewhat depressed. But I'm feeling slightly more motivated now than usual so maybe I'll will make it to a discussion group or class sometime this year. :)
Talking to people I see in my regular routine might be harder because I'm shy and can't always relax enough to have casual conversations in public places, although I would love to be able to do that.
I have made friends at work before but while the people at my current job are generally nice it doesn't seem to be a good source for that.
One of the problems with my old friends is that they've tended to be people who talk a lot about themselves but aren't good listeners, don't seem to understand me very well, and are more judgmental than supportive. I have given them a lot of focused attention in conversations, and support, but for the most part they haven't reciprocated. I put up with that before because I thought it was healthier to try to maintain friendships than to isolate myself but now I'm just sick of it. I'd rather be alone than with people who can't be real friends to me.
Posted by mist on March 10, 2002, at 17:40:42
In reply to hey, mist: where do you live? (nm) » mist, posted by beardedlady on March 8, 2002, at 6:35:38
I live in the US. I'd like to say more specifically where but prefer to keep identifying details to a minimum when posting on the internet, especially here because the site gets so many visitors. I feel more secure that way.
Posted by fi on March 12, 2002, at 9:10:29
In reply to to my fellow hermits and others who responded, posted by mist on March 10, 2002, at 16:00:24
Well worthing moving on from *those* kind of friends- how exhausting!
Lots of luck- let your fellow hermits know what works for you!
Fi
Posted by JohnDoenut on March 13, 2002, at 22:45:06
In reply to go slowly, posted by susan C on March 7, 2002, at 14:35:40
> Any one care to comment on what they are replaced by?
TV.
(and the computer but it all started long before "the computer". :)
JohnD
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