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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by NikkiT2 on December 17, 2001, at 13:03:54
OK, been doing alot of pondering and reading recently, and have come to a few thoughts...
I don't think I'm actually depressed as such... I'm never tearful, I adore the cuddles and love of my husband, I enjoy reading books... But i can just so no utter point in 98% of things.. There is no point in the future. I don't dwell on the past (other than those oh so embarrasing things I've done) and there is nothing in my life I would change.
I just fail to see the point of being alive. If I live any longer I'll live to see things i won't be able to cope with. i will end up seeing all the bad things in the world... eg, if I walk down to the shop I will see someone hit by a car.. If I live to next year someone I love will die... Does this make sense??
It is such a damn burden some days I can barely move. I am constantly looking for situations where these bad things will occur, I have to be 100% alert of every little thing around me, and this makes me ache with the tension of it. If I take my mind off it for one single minute then something will happen.This is turning into a bit of a ramble, but does anyone know what i mean??
Nikkixx
Posted by IsoM on December 17, 2001, at 13:23:26
In reply to I don't think I'm depressed... so what am I??, posted by NikkiT2 on December 17, 2001, at 13:03:54
I think I have an idea of how you feel though I don't feel exactly like you do. My depression never feels 'sad' or tearful. In fact, I rarely cry & when depressed, it's impossible to cry. Just an exceedingly bleak, black feeling with no motivation, no interest in life, & I feel like I have a black, evil heart - no empathy or sympathy for anyone including myself. Depression doesn't have to be about sadness.
A lot of depression comes with different symptoms like panicky feelings or constant anxiety, lack of motivation, anhedonia or lack of pleasure, guilty feelings, sleeplessness or over sleeping, lack of appetite or overeating. You do sound depressed to me, certainly it's not a normal way to feel.
There's lots of support here & in the Psycho-Babble side, discussions of medications that help.
> OK, been doing alot of pondering and reading recently, and have come to a few thoughts...
>
> I don't think I'm actually depressed as such... I'm never tearful, I adore the cuddles and love of my husband, I enjoy reading books... But i can just so no utter point in 98% of things.. There is no point in the future. I don't dwell on the past (other than those oh so embarrasing things I've done) and there is nothing in my life I would change.
> I just fail to see the point of being alive. If I live any longer I'll live to see things i won't be able to cope with. i will end up seeing all the bad things in the world... eg, if I walk down to the shop I will see someone hit by a car.. If I live to next year someone I love will die... Does this make sense??
> It is such a damn burden some days I can barely move. I am constantly looking for situations where these bad things will occur, I have to be 100% alert of every little thing around me, and this makes me ache with the tension of it. If I take my mind off it for one single minute then something will happen.
>
> This is turning into a bit of a ramble, but does anyone know what i mean??
>
> Nikkixx
Posted by Roo on December 17, 2001, at 14:51:33
In reply to Re: I don't think I'm depressed... so what am I?? » NikkiT2, posted by IsoM on December 17, 2001, at 13:23:26
Definitely sounds like depression to me....
Posted by Dinah on December 17, 2001, at 18:33:19
In reply to I don't think I'm depressed... so what am I??, posted by NikkiT2 on December 17, 2001, at 13:03:54
> It is such a damn burden some days I can barely move. I am constantly looking for situations where these bad things will occur, I have to be 100% alert of every little thing around me, and this makes me ache with the tension of it. If I take my mind off it for one single minute then something will happen.
>
> This is turning into a bit of a ramble, but does anyone know what i mean??
>
> NikkixxHave you checked out the possibility of OCD. A common OCD obsession is that if you don't worry about something, it will happen.
Just a thought.
Dinah
Posted by Willow on December 18, 2001, at 19:11:20
In reply to I don't think I'm depressed... so what am I??, posted by NikkiT2 on December 17, 2001, at 13:03:54
There is no point in the future. ... i will end up seeing all the bad things in the world... eg, if I walk down to the shop I will see someone hit by a car.. If I live to next year someone I love will die... Does this make sense??
> It is such a damn burden some days I can barely move. I am constantly looking for situations where these bad things will occur, I have to be 100% alert of every little thing around me, and this makes me ache with the tension of it. If I take my mind off it for one single minute then something will happen.
>
> This is turning into a bit of a ramble, but does anyone know what i mean??
NikkiFirst no bad rambles. During my rambles I'm able to clear up a lot of things. Rambling is good especially among friends.
I agree with you that it doesn't sound like depression. Look into Generalized Anxiety Disorder, GAD. The constant worry does wear us out.
At first when I read your title I was expecting to write a reply saying that you are normal, but I don't believe constant negative worrying is normal or healthy. I myself had gone to therapy for years which helped somewhat, but a med was able to help with overdrive of constant fear of harm happening to others.
Do you have a therapist? What has your doctor diagnosed you with? My gp would say I have depression, which is probably what he sees when I go in at the breaking point but my psychologist says its anxiety which I had denied for a long time. My was so general that I didn't recognize it till the med relieved it and then I thought wow that was a real sucky way to live.
BEST WISHES
You still are normal in my booksWillow
Posted by adamie on December 28, 2001, at 12:03:01
In reply to I don't think I'm depressed... so what am I??, posted by NikkiT2 on December 17, 2001, at 13:03:54
what you have is too much negativity. this is a huge problem. you may have some sort of depression because the way you feel just isn't normal. you should be able to see all the positives in life. but of course mental illness prevents you. you need to seek some treatment.> OK, been doing alot of pondering and reading recently, and have come to a few thoughts...
>
> I don't think I'm actually depressed as such... I'm never tearful, I adore the cuddles and love of my husband, I enjoy reading books... But i can just so no utter point in 98% of things.. There is no point in the future. I don't dwell on the past (other than those oh so embarrasing things I've done) and there is nothing in my life I would change.
> I just fail to see the point of being alive. If I live any longer I'll live to see things i won't be able to cope with. i will end up seeing all the bad things in the world... eg, if I walk down to the shop I will see someone hit by a car.. If I live to next year someone I love will die... Does this make sense??
> It is such a damn burden some days I can barely move. I am constantly looking for situations where these bad things will occur, I have to be 100% alert of every little thing around me, and this makes me ache with the tension of it. If I take my mind off it for one single minute then something will happen.
>
> This is turning into a bit of a ramble, but does anyone know what i mean??
>
> Nikkixx
Posted by Cam W. on December 28, 2001, at 16:56:42
In reply to I don't think I'm depressed... so what am I??, posted by NikkiT2 on December 17, 2001, at 13:03:54
Geez Nik - For cryin' out loud, yer a Brit, what do you expect? Just the thought of mushy peas.... =^P
Seriously, sounds like you are a little melancholic. I can relate. Try reading the Bard's Hamlet. Read it closely, especially his lines, and see if you can relate to the overall feel.
Or try Thomas More's Utopia (I don't recommend trying to read it in the original Latin, nor in the original 1550's translation < shiver >). Penguin Classics has a fairly recent (1965) version translated by Paul Turner. More may have been excessively puritanical (even for a Brit....but he was from London and attended Oxford - know what I mean?) but he saw life for what it really is (and it still is applicable today). Even More's life is a statement (and warning to us all): "Morals are fine and dandy, but you needn't lose your head over them."
Also, another old book, that is still apropos today is Cervantes' Don Quixote. Read that and you decide who's crazy (it ain't the Don).
Now ya got me doin' it Nik. I'm rambling...shit! We've all done things that we're embarrased about, and would give anything to reverse. The arrow of time don't allow that to happen (regardless of what some in The Fortean Times say). To anyone that you feel uncomfortable to face because of one of these incidents, ya gotta say (to yerself mind you), "F*** you dickhead, you've probably made a bigger ass of yourself at some point in you life, .... and if you haven't you're gonna!" I think that just puts everything in perspective. We're all fallible, sweetie.
Yeah, loved ones ARE going to die .... when you very least expect it! Shit happens! And you ain't going to be able to stop the world when it does; people will still laugh, cry, give up ..... as they always have and always will. So, what do you do? Just suck it up and continue? Like hell you do! You will feel sorry for yourself. You will lash out at people around you (if you're lucky they're not your loved ones). I mean, can't they see your pain! How the hell can they keep living their lives .... as if nothing happened!?
So, whaddaya do, Nik? Keep watchin' for it? It WILL happen; "shit happens" to all of us! As you can see, I haven't answered any of the questions that I posed. That's because I have no answers ..... guess that's life, huh? We can dwell on the 98% of our life that is shit, or we can focus on the 2% that makes us happy. We have no other choice. We are all going to be "worm farms" some day, but why be in a hurry to make a worm happy (he's going to end up with a formaldehyde hangover, anyway)?
Nik, I look at it this way. Yes, it would be easier to say "F*** It! That's it, stick a fork in my ass and turn me over, I'm done!" But, if you think about it, I mean "really" think about, suicide is extremely selfish. How many people do you think your suicide (or anyone's suicide) affects? Pick a number .... then multiple by ten. Remember, it not only affects those that knew you, it also affects those that know the people that knew you, albeit indirectly; but there is still a ripple effect. (Listen to "Ripple" by the Grateful Dead on GD Radio, on their website - http://www.gratefuldead.com - it's free to download 169 songs - remember, they're not an "psychedelic band", they were just a bunch of guys who tried to play music while stoned - sometimes it worked). It is so much easier to dwell on the 2%; because if there is an afterlife (and if there is, I'm pretty much screwed) I'm comin' after you. Besides, who else can I bug about The Fortean Times, mushy peas, Ricky Whatsisname - the fembot singer, and (what was the name of the area near you? ... Mildred's Bush? ... Gertrude's Cervix? ... I can't remember).
What keeps me here (I mean besides my wife and daughter - not the dog ... today, anyway - she ate about a kilo of peanuts .... I'll let everyone else fill in the rest)? It's fairly simple why I am still here after all the shit I've endured .... I might miss something cool (like the Clinton Library being donated subscriptions to Mad Magazine and Hustler - now there's a patriot!). Maybe we should send Oral Roberts University a Skeptical Inquirer subscription.
Okay, that's way too much rambling, and I gotta change the CD. Hmmmm.... How 'bout some classic Iggy Pop and the Stooges played at 80% volume (that should send the dog downstairs - man, she didn't even chew the damn things ... she's makin' peanut logs, and X-mas is over!).
Okay sweetie, turn that frown upside down (eg. picture Tony Blair the night his latest baby was conceived - think his ears wiggled?).
Talk to ya soon - Love Cam
This is the end of the thread.
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