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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by akc on August 16, 2001, at 15:32:22
Both my therapist and pdoc brought up a similar idea when I saw them this week. As you know, I am struggling with repeated bouts of depression. I am supposedly coping better with each one. However, to me, the pain is as bad, if not worse each time I go through one. Both my t and my pdoc suggest that I am in fact getting better and that what is happening is I am allowing myself to experience my feelings in ways I was unable to in the past. My thought is that I cannot tolerate much more pain -- if this is what recovery is, I don't know if I can handle much more. I am weary to my bones. Even though this bout has not lasted as long as most, I am still tired, very tired.
Now I am beginning to rambling. Would love to know what you all think.
I am lucky today. There is an airshow in town this weekend, and my office overlooks the downtown airport. The blue angels are practicing -- it is an incredible sight. I wish you could share it with me.
AKC
Posted by sar on August 16, 2001, at 15:45:20
In reply to Pain of Recovery, posted by akc on August 16, 2001, at 15:32:22
dear AKC,
i've been cautioned by psychologists that 'working through issues" can bring on a lot of pain. it's re-opening the wounds, you know? it's a lot to deal with.
i would suggest that if you are becoming too weary, cut the heavy stuff for now. exploring the "deeper" issues involves alot of strength and stability. don't overdo it.
on the other hand, i think feeling the pain can be cathartic. i've cried and gotten drunk after many therapy sessions. (and at other times i've left feeling great.) letting emotion run its course can be so much healthier than letting it fester, ignoring it, burying.
it hurts less in the long run if you deal with it ASAP. does that make any sense?
INTEGRATION.
i think your t and doc say what my t's and docs have told me. i believe that they are correct.
i hope you are feeling better.
sar
Posted by akc on August 16, 2001, at 15:51:01
In reply to Re: Pain of Recovery » akc, posted by sar on August 16, 2001, at 15:45:20
sar,
You know what is really scary is that we haven't really worked on anything. I don't know if I keep having episodes to prevent us from going too deep. About the time I start getting centered, something knocks me off balance again. I have had some real triggers -- bar exams, hearings, moves, etc. But I have been triggered just sitting in group therapy listening to others. I don't think I have spent but a handful of times in therapy trying to go deep. I'll be in therapy for years, I am afraid. Well, Barbra Streisand is one of my favorites, and it took her years! < g >
AKC
Posted by paxvox on August 16, 2001, at 17:51:28
In reply to Re: Pain of Recovery » sar, posted by akc on August 16, 2001, at 15:51:01
AKC....
Face the wounds, allow them to be "cleaned" one at a time, they will heal not fester. For 24 years, I have carried around an open wound, one that has become the defining moment of my life. I could have faced it years ago, and have been on with life w/o the dagger of doubt hovering above me. Tomorrow I will turn about the intruder and come face to face with my deepest fears. I'll let you know how it turns out.
PAXVOX
Posted by mila on August 17, 2001, at 9:29:19
In reply to Pain of Recovery, posted by akc on August 16, 2001, at 15:32:22
Hello AKC,
recovery itself is not painful, whatever is left of the disease and side effects of medication are.
treatment (in my experience and from the methodological perspective) does not require 'dealing' with the issues from the past. The only disorder I know of where it is actually needed is in PSTD.
as we all know there are different kinds of therapy, and although there is a rather startling conclusion from the meta studies of them, that the choice of the therapist's orientation doesn't matter much for the successful outcome, only the quality of client-therapist relation, I respectfully disagree. the relationship is number one prerequisite, no doubt, but what is actually being done matters a lot. In order to recover, you have both to receive a support for the brain and support for the mind. good medication gives us enough calm to be able to be rational and proactive. Therapy gives us tools to raise above the illness, because you cannot heal it if your thinking-behavior is AT the level of the illness or from within it.
when I was undergoing CBT the realization that 'cure' is not content-oriented was very startling to me. the logic underlying the healing is "not to deal with 'causes', external or internal, by talking about what happened, but with present emotional states". there are gazillions of causes in our past and more in the future for us to experience anxieties and depressions. CBT and practice or what i learned from it in life build up an exquisite resilience in us, making us impervious to the emotional devastations. REsilience is THE key word here. Studies of victims of child abuse show that only a small portion of sexually or otherwise abused children are severely damaged by it. these are children who lacked 2 things 1)emotional resilience, 2) one kind person to whom to confide. In therapy when we have a good relationship with the therapist we find a person to whom to confide, but the resilience has to be built too,and the therapist has to have the skills to train you in resilience building and maintenance. In my personal case, my support person was my husband, and the resilience training I did with audiotapes of Lucinda Bassett. As I was learning my lessons from the tapes, I was having unbearable bouts of anxiety and depression, but they had nothing to do with my past tragedies and were caused mostly by my then terribly low self-esteem and weak emotional skills. I wanted to succeed, but the material to learn is not easy, and skills require time to develop and strengthen. Meanwhile any small 'failure' to get an A+ in emotional lessons was sending me down the drain over and over. first, you claim the mountain of 'panic attacks', as you do it you experience panic attacks that the mountain of learning is horribly scary itself. then you move into the fear of failure swamp, and you fear to failure this part of the journey. next come 'should rules' and you battle your own unrealistic expectation with success in this part of the training. then you deal with anger and mood swings all the time being angry at yourself and moody that you don't do as well as needed. and the list is going on and on for there are 15 challenges like these to go through. In the end I think I 'graduated' with D+ :))) but that made an enormous difference, and what happened afterwards in life gave me plenty of opportunities to solidify my knowledge and master the skills further.
in some weird sense CBT course treats the person 'as if' they have no depression/anxiety, or regardless of the disorder manifestations. the only requirement is not to be in coma at the time of the treatment.
best wishes
mila
Posted by akc on August 17, 2001, at 16:17:50
In reply to Re: Pain of Recovery, posted by mila on August 17, 2001, at 9:29:19
mila,
This is a lot for me to digest -- especially today -- I very tired and the brain just doesn't want to function right now.
> recovery itself is not painful, whatever is left of the disease and side effects of medication are.
>Intellectually I think I understand what you are saying. But emotionally, I don't -- it "feels" like it is recovery that is painful. Before recovery, I would have some bad times, but nothing as painful as some of the times that I have gone through in the past couple of years. Someday maybe my heart will start understanding what my head gets.
> treatment (in my experience and from the methodological perspective) does not require 'dealing' with the issues from the past. The only disorder I know of where it is actually needed is in PSTD.
>Well, one of my diagnosis is PSTD, so I'm not quite sure where I fit in here. But I've not worked much on past issues in therapy. My therapist has enough on her hands putting out the current fires that get set by my episodes.
> as we all know there are different kinds of therapy, and although there is a rather startling conclusion from the meta studies of them, that the choice of the therapist's orientation doesn't matter much for the successful outcome, only the quality of client-therapist relation, I respectfully disagree. the relationship is number one prerequisite, no doubt, but what is actually being done matters a lot. In order to recover, you have both to receive a support for the brain and support for the mind. good medication gives us enough calm to be able to be rational and proactive. Therapy gives us tools to raise above the illness, because you cannot heal it if your thinking-behavior is AT the level of the illness or from within it.
>All I know is that I am making more progress I believe with this therapist than any in the past -- I don't even know what her "orientation" is -- I would venture to say it is a combination of a few different ones, some cognitive, some analytical, some others I don't know the label of. The difference with her than my therapist of the past is that I trust her. Trust is a huge issue with me. I don't trust. Period. It was actually during my episode in May that I took a big step in this area -- she asked me to trust her on something very huge (to take my meds) and I did. We both think that we will look back on this years from now and realize that it was a major step for me in my recovery.
> when I was undergoing CBT the realization that 'cure' is not content-oriented was very startling to me. the logic underlying the healing is "not to deal with 'causes', external or internal, by talking about what happened, but with present emotional states". there are gazillions of causes in our past and more in the future for us to experience anxieties and depressions. CBT and practice or what i learned from it in life build up an exquisite resilience in us, making us impervious to the emotional devastations. REsilience is THE key word here. Studies of victims of child abuse show that only a small portion of sexually or otherwise abused children are severely damaged by it. these are children who lacked 2 things 1)emotional resilience, 2) one kind person to whom to confide. In therapy when we have a good relationship with the therapist we find a person to whom to confide, but the resilience has to be built too,and the therapist has to have the skills to train you in resilience building and maintenance. In my personal case, my support person was my husband, and the resilience training I did with audiotapes of Lucinda Bassett. As I was learning my lessons from the tapes, I was having unbearable bouts of anxiety and depression, but they had nothing to do with my past tragedies and were caused mostly by my then terribly low self-esteem and weak emotional skills. I wanted to succeed, but the material to learn is not easy, and skills require time to develop and strengthen. Meanwhile any small 'failure' to get an A+ in emotional lessons was sending me down the drain over and over. first, you claim the mountain of 'panic attacks', as you do it you experience panic attacks that the mountain of learning is horribly scary itself. then you move into the fear of failure swamp, and you fear to failure this part of the journey. next come 'should rules' and you battle your own unrealistic expectation with success in this part of the training. then you deal with anger and mood swings all the time being angry at yourself and moody that you don't do as well as needed. and the list is going on and on for there are 15 challenges like these to go through. In the end I think I 'graduated' with D+ :))) but that made an enormous difference, and what happened afterwards in life gave me plenty of opportunities to solidify my knowledge and master the skills further.
>Probably the only thing that stuck with my from a CBT course I was in back during law school was the should stuff. And I still should myself all over the place. You have caught on how I am quite the perfectionist. And I am in a field that demands perfection -- small errors truly can lose cases or costs millions of dollars. I am certain I have weak emotional skills -- anything seems to trigger me into a deep depression. That is what I cannot handle much more of.
> in some weird sense CBT course treats the person 'as if' they have no depression/anxiety, or regardless of the disorder manifestations. the only requirement is not to be in coma at the time of the treatment.
That I remember from my course -- there were folks there who were just one step above a coma -- as I was my first few days.
Well, by answering this, I think maybe I "get" more of it than I was realizing -- but I still need to ponder it. I still am on a rollercoster and will be for a while, I fear -- I guess that is the problem -- the rollercoaster. I just need a timeout for a while. But my biochemistry is hypersensitive, as is my emotions.
Are your exams over now? How much of a break do you get before classes begin again?
akc
Posted by mila on August 17, 2001, at 19:28:11
In reply to Re: Pain of Recovery » mila, posted by akc on August 17, 2001, at 16:17:50
akc,
sorry for the huge post, i didn't mean to overload you, I wanted to overview what happened to me mostly and put it into words. I knew I was talking to you, but still it came out like a monoloque in front of a mirror. Now I feel stupid, if there is such a feeling:P shame... i guess would be a better word.
you are absolutely right when you say that recovery is painful and i can understand why. it is hard to discern anything positive when you are tired to the degree you are. so if this is how recovery feels, then it is very painful and there is no need to separate pain from recovery intellectually as i attempted to. whatever other people might say about how much better you are, or how much better you cope, if the pain is there, it hurts and defies any words to the contrary.
one of the things i forgot to mention to you that paying attention to my dreams drastically reduced the level of my depression and opened me to my feelings. generally, i am not aware much of my feelings, except when it hurts a lot or when i am exilarated. dreams amplify my feelings and split them into components like a Newton's prism. dream makes it easier to discern both the feelings and the attitudes that caused them since they are represented by the different dream characters. usually after a session of dream analysis I come fully to my senses. I still use it as a tool when I notice that i have gone through several days of 'absence of feelings' and need to fine tune mysef to myself again.
yeah, my exams are over now, and i have three weeks to "recover" before the september classes begin. I didn't make any plans for vacations, except that I have to apply now to medschool, and do as much volunteer work as possible. It sounds stupid, to spend vacations working, but even more stupid is the fact that i haven't planned anything personally significant for myself yet besides spending countless hours in bed and in conversations with everyone I've been missing for months. At least physically I am alright now, the cancer scare is over, the tuberculosis infection is being taken care of, and my stomach ulcers have healed, so that i can walk with my spine upright and even exercise.
i was glad to hear from your other posts that you have a strong and unfaillible support from your doctor even when she is away, and I am scared with you about your upcoming knee surgery. will they repare the tendons, bones, or do the knee replacement? will you be able to wear nice shoes afterwards?
AKC, are you sure, like really really sure, that your field demands perfectionism? I have never looked at successful lawyers this way. More in terms of competence, mastery, smartness. I would feel that a perfectionistic lawyer is way too constipated to think creatively. sure, details should be taken care of, like in the rocket building, or the disaster is imminent, but that is more about quality control at the implementation stage, than about planning the case and having sparks of a genius when you deliver.
wishing you a lengthy and enjoyable timeout from the ups and downs. I know what you mean. I was almost for a year on sabbatical from my feelings myself. but I used heavily sedating medications, and didn't mind it. many people complain, you know.
mila
P.S. I saw Afterlife a couple of days ago. almost forgot to mention it here. i love japanese art since my teens. when you said choose a memory, you haven't mentioned that you would be able to relive it again. that changes things a bit for me. then of course, the memory would be about sex! lol
also, yesterday i saw Revoir Julie, about 2 women meeting after 15 years, and opening up to the love they had for each other since their teens. this felt very good. i had some deep release of tears after watching it.
Posted by akc on August 17, 2001, at 21:41:48
In reply to Re: Pain of Recovery akc, posted by mila on August 17, 2001, at 19:28:11
mila,
>Now I feel stupid, if there is such a feeling:P shame... i guess would be a better word.Two of my least favorite words -- stupid and shame -- and there was nothing about your post that should make you feel either of them.
>
> you are absolutely right when you say that recovery is painful and i can understand why. it is hard to discern anything positive when you are tired to the degree you are. so if this is how recovery feels, then it is very painful and there is no need to separate pain from recovery intellectually as i attempted to. whatever other people might say about how much better you are, or how much better you cope, if the pain is there, it hurts and defies any words to the contrary.
>thank you.
> one of the things i forgot to mention to you that paying attention to my dreams drastically reduced the level of my depression and opened me to my feelings. generally, i am not aware much of my feelings, except when it hurts a lot or when i am exilarated. dreams amplify my feelings and split them into components like a Newton's prism. dream makes it easier to discern both the feelings and the attitudes that caused them since they are represented by the different dream characters. usually after a session of dream analysis I come fully to my senses. I still use it as a tool when I notice that i have gone through several days of 'absence of feelings' and need to fine tune mysef to myself again.
>I so rarely remember my dreams - like my memories, at best a snapshot. I am suppose to try to write down the feelings I have when I do remember a dream -- I actually had a couple of dreams lately, and when my therapist asked about the feelings, I had a hard time with the question. Didn't remember them at all with one dream.
I wonder sometimes what it is about my past, and my dreams, that I don't want to remember. I am certain that I know the overall picture -- some pretty bad physical abuse. But specifics are hard to remember. I can wake up and know that I had a disturbing dream, but have no clue what it was. Any thoughts on why? Do you think my troubles at remembering my past and remembering my dreams are connected?
> yeah, my exams are over now, and i have three weeks to "recover" before the september classes begin. I didn't make any plans for vacations, except that I have to apply now to medschool, and do as much volunteer work as possible. It sounds stupid, to spend vacations working, but even more stupid is the fact that i haven't planned anything personally significant for myself yet besides spending countless hours in bed and in conversations with everyone I've been missing for months. At least physically I am alright now, the cancer scare is over, the tuberculosis infection is being taken care of, and my stomach ulcers have healed, so that i can walk with my spine upright and even exercise.
>Talk about overload -- and the reason you do this is? I am glad that you are better physically. And though you sound like you will be busy during your break, lots of sleep sounds good and conversation is always good.
> i was glad to hear from your other posts that you have a strong and unfaillible support from your doctor even when she is away, and I am scared with you about your upcoming knee surgery. will they repare the tendons, bones, or do the knee replacement? will you be able to wear nice shoes afterwards?
>The surgery is pretty minor -- I have some torn cartilage that is being removed and he will clean up any other rough spots. It will be by scope, so the recovery is pretty quick. I should only miss three days of work. My bigger fear is that the surgery will trigger another depressive episode.
> AKC, are you sure, like really really sure, that your field demands perfectionism? I have never looked at successful lawyers this way. More in terms of competence, mastery, smartness. I would feel that a perfectionistic lawyer is way too constipated to think creatively. sure, details should be taken care of, like in the rocket building, or the disaster is imminent, but that is more about quality control at the implementation stage, than about planning the case and having sparks of a genius when you deliver.
>In some ways you are right. But in other ways, mistakes are bad. For instance, I misread a tax regulation a few weeks ago. This caused us to do a test incorrectly. We advised the client, who then filled out a form for the IRS. We then caught our mistake. Now it turned out that in this instance, the result was the same, but it could have been different, and the client could have submitted an incorrect result to the IRS. If so, the client would have then had to refile with the IRS at an added expense. So in this instance, the mistake could have been costly.
As an attorney, I don't have to know everything, all the time -- I have to have the ability to learn. That is one of my personal strengths. But it can be scary when you are dealing with stuff that is very complicated, where a mistake can cost your client a lot of money. My field is very technical and very hard -- lots of regulations and such. I am new in the field, so up till now, my work has been highly supervised, but I am reaching a point where I'm being nudged from the nest. So I'm feeling the pressure to be more "perfect," if you will. Does this make sense?
> wishing you a lengthy and enjoyable timeout from the ups and downs. I know what you mean. I was almost for a year on sabbatical from my feelings myself. but I used heavily sedating medications, and didn't mind it. many people complain, you know.
I wish I could use heavily sedating medications, but I can't afford anything more sedating than what I am on with work. :(
> P.S. I saw Afterlife a couple of days ago. almost forgot to mention it here. i love japanese art since my teens. when you said choose a memory, you haven't mentioned that you would be able to relive it again. that changes things a bit for me. then of course, the memory would be about sex! lol> also, yesterday i saw Revoir Julie, about 2 women meeting after 15 years, and opening up to the love they had for each other since their teens. this felt very good. i had some deep release of tears after watching it.
I have not heard of this movie -- will rent it right away.
Posted by mila on August 19, 2001, at 3:36:34
In reply to Re: Pain of Recovery akc » mila, posted by akc on August 17, 2001, at 21:41:48
Hello AKC,>
> I so rarely remember my dreams - like my memories, at best a snapshot. I am suppose to try to write down the feelings I have when I do remember a dream -- I actually had a couple of dreams lately, and when my therapist asked about the feelings, I had a hard time with the question. Didn't remember them at all with one dream.
>
skipping feelings while recording dreams is very common. do not worry about that. one of the reasons is that the plot is 'more interesting' than feelings to most people, another is that feeings are represented in the dreams via other images. one of the theories of dreaming states that dreams are images of feelings: every image in the dream is a 'picture' of feelings: settings, people, animals, objects, actions... they all are representations of how our feelings look like if they were visible.having difficulty with answering 'how do you feel at this point in the dream' question is also a very common one. so do not despair. with time and patience you will learn to give your feelings names. when i first began my adventures in dreamwork, i was totally unable to put finger on my feelings. so i used a trick. feeling is tightly linked to the behavior, physiological state, and thinking, because these 4 make up one emotion. so when I asked about feeling, I would step back into the dream scene and pay attention to my body. is there a tension, or heat/coldness, or pain somewhere? what kind of behavior did I display in the dream? what were the thoughts? then i would solve the system of 4 equations so to speak and come up with the name for a feelins. once i get there I usually feel huge relief, and gasp for a breath, and the emotions start flowing, frequently accompanied with liberating tears.
> I wonder sometimes what it is about my past, and my dreams, that I don't want to remember. I am certain that I know the overall picture -- some pretty bad physical abuse. But specifics are hard to remember. I can wake up and know that I had a disturbing dream, but have no clue what it was. Any thoughts on why? Do you think my troubles at remembering my past and remembering my dreams are connected?
if you do not want to remember, it is because there is some survival value in such behavior. it is a very healthy way to deal with troublesome past. you cannot go back and undo the wrongdoings, so why care. what matters most is how you are doing today. not remembering dreams can be just lack of habit. energy flows where attention goes, you know. many people are scared of dreaming, or dream analysis, because of some beleifs about dreams that they hold. mostly these are beliefs associated with 'powerful and threatening' unconscious. a bit of courage and practice will help you overcome these. after all it all boils down to being a master in your own house. we do not really live in the bluebeard castle with some forbidden rooms to go to. our mind is ours to own and use.
if you have a disturbing dream today, it is because something disturbing going on today in your life. dreams are rarely about the past, if they are, it is only because something in our today's life is very identical to what was going on back then in some very important way.
in some very general sense your trouble remembering 'dreams and past' are connected. only you can tell us why. do you feel like it is too much to handle or something?
> I wish I could use heavily sedating medications, but I can't afford anything more sedating than what I am on with work. :(
>
i understand what you mean. i had to 'sacrifice' one full year of university because of sedation. I just left one course: the research one, because i enjoyed it enormously, and dropped off everything else, because i was sleeping 17 hours a day. not much time left for anything else :)i hope you are still able to enjoy your weekend despite annoyances you mentioned in other posts. my own exhaustion finally started to show off as physical pain and some anger, and I was even able to cry yesterday. i did went to hospital to volunteer, because one women I am attending to haven't had anyone to take her outside for a week, and she was dying for a smoke. so i took her out yesterday, and we smoked,and i gave her massage, and we recited some Robert Frost's poems. this felt good. then i came home and dived back into bed. my husband asked me if i wanted anything and i said i wanted to be transported into the end of the 19th century into one of those sanatoriums in Alps, where they treated people from nervous breakdowns. he understood very well, and fetched me some strawberry ice cream:)
much love
mila
>
Posted by akc on August 19, 2001, at 8:18:31
In reply to Re: Pain of Recovery akc, posted by mila on August 19, 2001, at 3:36:34
mila,
Thanks for all these insights on dreams and memories. It is a lot to digest, and I don't have any immediate response. I do appreciate all your kind words and all your sharing over the past couple of weeks. And I am glad that your husband was aware enough to bring you strawberry ice cream. :)
akc
>
> >
> > I so rarely remember my dreams - like my memories, at best a snapshot. I am suppose to try to write down the feelings I have when I do remember a dream -- I actually had a couple of dreams lately, and when my therapist asked about the feelings, I had a hard time with the question. Didn't remember them at all with one dream.
> >
> skipping feelings while recording dreams is very common. do not worry about that. one of the reasons is that the plot is 'more interesting' than feelings to most people, another is that feeings are represented in the dreams via other images. one of the theories of dreaming states that dreams are images of feelings: every image in the dream is a 'picture' of feelings: settings, people, animals, objects, actions... they all are representations of how our feelings look like if they were visible.
>
> having difficulty with answering 'how do you feel at this point in the dream' question is also a very common one. so do not despair. with time and patience you will learn to give your feelings names. when i first began my adventures in dreamwork, i was totally unable to put finger on my feelings. so i used a trick. feeling is tightly linked to the behavior, physiological state, and thinking, because these 4 make up one emotion. so when I asked about feeling, I would step back into the dream scene and pay attention to my body. is there a tension, or heat/coldness, or pain somewhere? what kind of behavior did I display in the dream? what were the thoughts? then i would solve the system of 4 equations so to speak and come up with the name for a feelins. once i get there I usually feel huge relief, and gasp for a breath, and the emotions start flowing, frequently accompanied with liberating tears.
>
> > I wonder sometimes what it is about my past, and my dreams, that I don't want to remember. I am certain that I know the overall picture -- some pretty bad physical abuse. But specifics are hard to remember. I can wake up and know that I had a disturbing dream, but have no clue what it was. Any thoughts on why? Do you think my troubles at remembering my past and remembering my dreams are connected?
>
> if you do not want to remember, it is because there is some survival value in such behavior. it is a very healthy way to deal with troublesome past. you cannot go back and undo the wrongdoings, so why care. what matters most is how you are doing today. not remembering dreams can be just lack of habit. energy flows where attention goes, you know. many people are scared of dreaming, or dream analysis, because of some beleifs about dreams that they hold. mostly these are beliefs associated with 'powerful and threatening' unconscious. a bit of courage and practice will help you overcome these. after all it all boils down to being a master in your own house. we do not really live in the bluebeard castle with some forbidden rooms to go to. our mind is ours to own and use.
>
> if you have a disturbing dream today, it is because something disturbing going on today in your life. dreams are rarely about the past, if they are, it is only because something in our today's life is very identical to what was going on back then in some very important way.
>
> in some very general sense your trouble remembering 'dreams and past' are connected. only you can tell us why. do you feel like it is too much to handle or something?
>
>
>
> > I wish I could use heavily sedating medications, but I can't afford anything more sedating than what I am on with work. :(
> >
> i understand what you mean. i had to 'sacrifice' one full year of university because of sedation. I just left one course: the research one, because i enjoyed it enormously, and dropped off everything else, because i was sleeping 17 hours a day. not much time left for anything else :)
>
> i hope you are still able to enjoy your weekend despite annoyances you mentioned in other posts. my own exhaustion finally started to show off as physical pain and some anger, and I was even able to cry yesterday. i did went to hospital to volunteer, because one women I am attending to haven't had anyone to take her outside for a week, and she was dying for a smoke. so i took her out yesterday, and we smoked,and i gave her massage, and we recited some Robert Frost's poems. this felt good. then i came home and dived back into bed. my husband asked me if i wanted anything and i said i wanted to be transported into the end of the 19th century into one of those sanatoriums in Alps, where they treated people from nervous breakdowns. he understood very well, and fetched me some strawberry ice cream:)
>
> much love
> mila
> >
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