Posted by mila on August 17, 2001, at 19:28:11
In reply to Re: Pain of Recovery » mila, posted by akc on August 17, 2001, at 16:17:50
akc,
sorry for the huge post, i didn't mean to overload you, I wanted to overview what happened to me mostly and put it into words. I knew I was talking to you, but still it came out like a monoloque in front of a mirror. Now I feel stupid, if there is such a feeling:P shame... i guess would be a better word.
you are absolutely right when you say that recovery is painful and i can understand why. it is hard to discern anything positive when you are tired to the degree you are. so if this is how recovery feels, then it is very painful and there is no need to separate pain from recovery intellectually as i attempted to. whatever other people might say about how much better you are, or how much better you cope, if the pain is there, it hurts and defies any words to the contrary.
one of the things i forgot to mention to you that paying attention to my dreams drastically reduced the level of my depression and opened me to my feelings. generally, i am not aware much of my feelings, except when it hurts a lot or when i am exilarated. dreams amplify my feelings and split them into components like a Newton's prism. dream makes it easier to discern both the feelings and the attitudes that caused them since they are represented by the different dream characters. usually after a session of dream analysis I come fully to my senses. I still use it as a tool when I notice that i have gone through several days of 'absence of feelings' and need to fine tune mysef to myself again.
yeah, my exams are over now, and i have three weeks to "recover" before the september classes begin. I didn't make any plans for vacations, except that I have to apply now to medschool, and do as much volunteer work as possible. It sounds stupid, to spend vacations working, but even more stupid is the fact that i haven't planned anything personally significant for myself yet besides spending countless hours in bed and in conversations with everyone I've been missing for months. At least physically I am alright now, the cancer scare is over, the tuberculosis infection is being taken care of, and my stomach ulcers have healed, so that i can walk with my spine upright and even exercise.
i was glad to hear from your other posts that you have a strong and unfaillible support from your doctor even when she is away, and I am scared with you about your upcoming knee surgery. will they repare the tendons, bones, or do the knee replacement? will you be able to wear nice shoes afterwards?
AKC, are you sure, like really really sure, that your field demands perfectionism? I have never looked at successful lawyers this way. More in terms of competence, mastery, smartness. I would feel that a perfectionistic lawyer is way too constipated to think creatively. sure, details should be taken care of, like in the rocket building, or the disaster is imminent, but that is more about quality control at the implementation stage, than about planning the case and having sparks of a genius when you deliver.
wishing you a lengthy and enjoyable timeout from the ups and downs. I know what you mean. I was almost for a year on sabbatical from my feelings myself. but I used heavily sedating medications, and didn't mind it. many people complain, you know.
mila
P.S. I saw Afterlife a couple of days ago. almost forgot to mention it here. i love japanese art since my teens. when you said choose a memory, you haven't mentioned that you would be able to relive it again. that changes things a bit for me. then of course, the memory would be about sex! lol
also, yesterday i saw Revoir Julie, about 2 women meeting after 15 years, and opening up to the love they had for each other since their teens. this felt very good. i had some deep release of tears after watching it.
poster:mila
thread:9731
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010817/msgs/9792.html