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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Pari on April 10, 2001, at 23:58:19
Last night just before bed I looked in the mirror and soon found myself looking at a psychotic staring back at me. I stood there for several minutes with limited control of my facial muscles and watched like a spectator as my features contorted. It was very unnerving, and the only time I had felt like that before was when I looked into the mirror while on a tab of LSD (less than 5 trips in lifetime) which I would say became a bad trip after that. I have felt recently like there was a curse on me, though my rational mind insists I have much to be thankful for. Still I find myself losing hope and debating whether relief from the pains of existence outweighs the selfishness of suicide (pain to family/friends). The guilt and baggage from my past haunts me daily, and guilt from suicidal contemplations leaves me distraught. Meds haven't helped this time around except for some emotional numbing. I sometimes feel as if suicide would be a selfless act rather than a selfish act, especially considering the financial and emotional burdens I have imposed on those around me. I have never attempted suicide, but I find my thoughts turning to preparations such as a new will, etc. How close to the brink am I and how do I find the will to turn away from it?
Posted by Fred Potter on April 11, 2001, at 0:28:49
In reply to Mirror anxiety -- Dissociation?, posted by Pari on April 10, 2001, at 23:58:19
Pari I had this mirror thing just once, many years ago. It was profoundly frightening, but never occurred again. I smoked some cannabis at that time in my life. I felt like I didn't know which was me and which the reflection. I would guess that while these things are frightening, they're probably only serious if you let them be. The way you're feeling, I would hammer on psychiatrists' doors till you get relief. There are plenty of things to try. Please don't give up
Fred
Posted by ShelliR on April 11, 2001, at 18:46:15
In reply to Mirror anxiety -- Dissociation?, posted by Pari on April 10, 2001, at 23:58:19
Pari,
I believe that the consensus is that medication helps with the symptoms of dissociation (anxiety and depression), but the roots of why you dissociate need to be worked on in therapy.
Are you currently in therapy? What happened to you in the mirror has happened to me a lot during my life and it has taken therapy to help me deal with it when I cannot stop it, and also to go back to the root causes of my dissociation and work through those. Unless what you experienced was just a flashback of your LSD trip, I hope that you have a good therapist who knows how to work with dissociation.
Shelli
Posted by Pari on April 12, 2001, at 3:54:48
In reply to Re: Mirror anxiety -- Dissociation? » Pari, posted by ShelliR on April 11, 2001, at 18:46:15
> Pari,
>
> I believe that the consensus is that medication helps with the symptoms of dissociation (anxiety and depression), but the roots of why you dissociate need to be worked on in therapy.
>
> Are you currently in therapy? What happened to you in the mirror has happened to me a lot during my life and it has taken therapy to help me deal with it when I cannot stop it, and also to go back to the root causes of my dissociation and work through those. Unless what you experienced was just a flashback of your LSD trip, I hope that you have a good therapist who knows how to work with dissociation.
>
> ShelliThankfully my dissociations, if that's what they are, have been very infrequent and I have a clear memory of the experience. I am in therapy and on meds and perhaps that is why after my mirror experience the other night I was able to sleep once the Ambien kicked, and I woke up fine in the morning. Breaking out the dark fog of depression and building back my self esteem is priority right now.
Posted by mila on April 13, 2001, at 1:00:37
In reply to Re: Mirror anxiety -- Dissociation?, posted by Pari on April 12, 2001, at 3:54:48
... Breaking out the dark fog of depression and building back my self esteem is priority right now.
Dear Pari,
i hope, you are feeling better right now, and if not, it's ok too. what matters is to stay alive at all costs. the thing that helps me most at the times I contemplate junping off the balcony, is my curiosity. I want to know what would happend after that!!! i mean, not with my body, that I can predict rather in detail, but what would happen to people, my son, my mom ten years after that, etc. I become so curious to know, I step back into living.
I have also found from my experience with therapy, and antidepressants, that the process of recovery is amazingly fast. It took me 26 long years to fully lose self-esteem and build up a mighty depression, but only a few tiny months to regain it all back + gain some, a HEFTY SOME more above the initial 'amount' of it.
Whatever you choose to do, keep pushing, even if you go the wrong way, you will eventually emerge on the right side of it. It's like a globetrotting:) sometimes you get into trouble and become 'stuck', but at other time help along the way, or newly developed abilities speed you up.
i am curious to know more about you, now and in a future,
please, stay
mila
Posted by Pari on April 14, 2001, at 1:54:59
In reply to Re: Mirror anxiety -- Dissociation?, posted by mila on April 13, 2001, at 1:00:37
Mila, Thank you for the encouragement. I know the effect suicide has on families as my aunt and uncle both committed suicide within a year of each other and left their tree teenage kids behind. Those three cousins are all older than me and have helped me understand depression and bipolar disorder, especially when I first began to experience it. So of course I don't want to put my family through that again (I am single but relatives live close) yet I don't want guilt to be the reason I live for them. Don't get me wrong, I consider myself so very lucky to have family and a few friends who care, but somehow that also leaves me feeling trapped because if I didn't have their feelings to consider, I could choose to live or die based on what I want rather than on what causes others the least pain. Tonight I choose life.
Pari
Posted by Pari on April 14, 2001, at 1:55:08
In reply to Re: Mirror anxiety -- Dissociation?, posted by mila on April 13, 2001, at 1:00:37
Mila, Thank you for the encouragement. I know the effect suicide has on families as my aunt and uncle both committed suicide within a year of each other and left their tree teenage kids behind. Those three cousins are all older than me and have helped me understand depression and bipolar disorder, especially when I first began to experience it. So of course I don't want to put my family through that again (I am single but relatives live close) yet I don't want guilt to be the reason I live for them. Don't get me wrong, I consider myself so very lucky to have family and a few friends who care, but somehow that also leaves me feeling trapped because if I didn't have their feelings to consider, I could choose to live or die based on what I want rather than on what causes others the least pain. Tonight I choose life.
Pari
Posted by mila on April 14, 2001, at 20:50:51
In reply to Re: Mirror anxiety -- Dissociation?, posted by Pari on April 14, 2001, at 1:55:08
Dear Pari,
whew, i am so... OK... with that tonight you chose to live. Ahh..
Whenever I fall into a guilt trap, I try to get out of it by any means possible. for somehow it leads to a circular thinking. others become the main point of reference. I feel guilty if I die because of them, and if I die I prove to them (again) that I chose what's best for me and not for them. In both cases there is some dialogue with them going on.
It helps me to think that my suicide will kill only me; it can shake them, slap them, leave some pain in their hearts, but it won't kill them. I am the only one who will get a full impact. This stresses out my power over myself to the ultimate degree, and, alas, lets me know that I am rather powerless over other people's happiness. I can contribute to it, but I cannot really rob them from it. The reverse is also true.
mila
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