Posted by Pari on April 10, 2001, at 23:58:19
Last night just before bed I looked in the mirror and soon found myself looking at a psychotic staring back at me. I stood there for several minutes with limited control of my facial muscles and watched like a spectator as my features contorted. It was very unnerving, and the only time I had felt like that before was when I looked into the mirror while on a tab of LSD (less than 5 trips in lifetime) which I would say became a bad trip after that. I have felt recently like there was a curse on me, though my rational mind insists I have much to be thankful for. Still I find myself losing hope and debating whether relief from the pains of existence outweighs the selfishness of suicide (pain to family/friends). The guilt and baggage from my past haunts me daily, and guilt from suicidal contemplations leaves me distraught. Meds haven't helped this time around except for some emotional numbing. I sometimes feel as if suicide would be a selfless act rather than a selfish act, especially considering the financial and emotional burdens I have imposed on those around me. I have never attempted suicide, but I find my thoughts turning to preparations such as a new will, etc. How close to the brink am I and how do I find the will to turn away from it?
poster:Pari
thread:5609
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010404/msgs/5609.html