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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tetrix on April 18, 2013, at 22:07:46
Hi babblers..I was wondering if you could share your experiences in session. What does your therapist offer you to comfort you? Do they hug you, or give you transitional objects to hold on to? Do any volunteer personal information? Hold hands when talk about difficult issues? Give you thoughts or ideas to hold on to?
Thank you for sharing...
Posted by baseball55 on April 19, 2013, at 19:36:30
In reply to question for those in therapy, posted by tetrix on April 18, 2013, at 22:07:46
I have seen two therapists. One a p-doc for about eight years doing psychodynamic therapy and one a social worker for the last two years doing DBT therapy. Neither is the least bit physical. We have never hugged or even shaken hands except at the initial meeting. They talk about themselves somewhat -- will usually answer questions if asked -- but don't volunteer personal information. My DBT therapist is particularly careful about divulging personal information. They do divulge personal feelings about me. They are not complete ciphers but will tell me if they are worried, concerned, angry, frustrated by me. This has been very helpful and I've appreciated it when they express clear emotions and viewpoints.
But my experience with holding hands, hugging, etc, is no way. I think most therapists don't believe in that.
Posted by tetrix on April 19, 2013, at 22:51:07
In reply to Re: question for those in therapy, posted by baseball55 on April 19, 2013, at 19:36:30
Thank you for sharing, it is interesting, I never considered asking about their feelings. It sounds like a good idea and can be in a way a source of comfort, knowing that they do react to us emotionally.
I was wondering if other babblers had similar experiences and would like to share what was comforting for them with their therapists.
Posted by Twinleaf on April 20, 2013, at 16:37:09
In reply to Re: question for those in therapy, posted by tetrix on April 19, 2013, at 22:51:07
My experience is very much the same as Baseball's. I have seen my psychoanalyst for about 5 years, and the only touching has been an initial handshake. We do talk a lot about how I am feeling about him, and the reactions that I have to things he says, and also about how he is reacting to what I am saying and feeling. I feel a great sense of intimacy with him, but it is based entirely on verbal and, perhaps even more, non-verbal communications. For me, this has been a powerful force towards increasing health and freedom from depression.
The absence of actual physical contact has allowed me to have a free range of fantasies about him, from maternal to sexual - and to work through them in a completely safe environment. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Posted by baseball55 on April 20, 2013, at 20:11:45
In reply to Re: question for those in therapy, posted by Twinleaf on April 20, 2013, at 16:37:09
> The absence of actual physical contact has allowed me to have a free range of fantasies about him, from maternal to sexual - and to work through them in a completely safe environment. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My p-doc and I talked a lot about boundaries. Not only physical boundaries, but boundaries about knowing so much about him that I tried to take care of him instead of working on my issues.
But, like you said, the one good thing about him and my DBT therapist is that they are very straightforward about how I make them feel. They don't burden me with this, but will say -- I'm worried about you. I think you are doing amazingly well. I'm happy for you, unhappy for you.
Sometimes they share things about themselves that help. My DBT therapist told me about a difficult transference relationship she had with a therapist to help with with my difficult transference with my p-doc. My p-doc told me about his minimal Christmas's when I got upset about Christmas.
So they do that occasionally. In general, I think they're good therapists. They manage to balance things well.
And also, like the above poster said, the boundaries prevent relationships that are doomed but likely to damage existing relationships.
Posted by baseball55 on April 21, 2013, at 19:36:44
In reply to Re: question for those in therapy, posted by baseball55 on April 20, 2013, at 20:11:45
> And also, like the above poster said, the boundaries prevent relationships that are doomed but likely to damage existing relationships.
What I meant by that last line is that, if he had given me the slightest opening, I would have divorced my husband for a relationship with my p-doc. But it would have been a doomed relationship. He would never have been, in real life, as loving and kind and trusting as in therapy. He couldn't be. Nobody could be that all the time. And that's what I would have wanted. For him to love me unconditionally, which is never possible between adults but only between adults and children or pets.
Posted by tetrix on April 22, 2013, at 23:16:32
In reply to Re: question for those in therapy, posted by baseball55 on April 21, 2013, at 19:36:44
Thank you for clearing that up.. I was wondering what you meant by that..
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
Posted by Dinah on April 24, 2013, at 8:09:17
In reply to question for those in therapy, posted by tetrix on April 18, 2013, at 22:07:46
My therapist isn't a squishy warm sort of person. He would never hold hands, and I'm guessing that's doubly true for women. He would probably look askance at the idea of transitional objects. He holds me mainly with his voice and his presence, though he's not at all opposed to hugs. I'm not sure the hugs are as satisfying as the presence though. Physical contact can be found in many places. Therapeutic contact is something I can only get from him. (On the other hand - in the interests of strict honesty - he's very large, and I admittedly find an occasional hug from a very large man very comforting. My father was also a tall man, tho not overly large. It probably brings back memories of my experiences when very very young.)
Are you feeling dissatisfied with what your therapist can or will offer? Every therapist's comfort zone is different. And I can tell you that when I've asked my therapist to step beyond his comfort zone, the results have been disappointing. Which doesn't stop me from trying to explain to him why what I'm asking for would be well within his comfort zone. :) But then, I try to only do that if I truly believe he is misunderstanding what I wish for, and what I am actually asking *would* be within his comfort zone.
Is this the same therapist with whom you've long had a push-pull relationship? If so, could this be part of a larger dynamic?
Posted by tetrix on April 27, 2013, at 0:04:59
In reply to Re: question for those in therapy » tetrix, posted by Dinah on April 24, 2013, at 8:09:17
Hi Dinah, thanks for your post, and yes you are right on the money, it is the same therapist.
I have trouble asking for comfort. I am not sure how to ask for it and I get frustrated trying to hint to my therapist that this is what I need from them. I try to find comfort in some spontaneous expressions of what I perceive as care but it is rarely enough.
I think that one of the reasons I go back is the need for that *comfort* and I my question to babblers was more of an advice.. it seems like what what people find comforting is the * holding* and the therapeutic relationship, but it somehow doesnt work for me. Maybe I need that comfort a bit more, and on a different level and until that's satisfied I will not be able to draw comfort from the relationship alone..
Even though I agree with you and with above posters, hugs are a bit of a grey area - however, a hug was very powerful in providing me with comfort. It wasnt so much the physical aspect of it but the emotional and representational part. My therapist doesnt usually hug and it is not something that is offered - so I wonder what else could I use to substitute that much needed hug.Hope it all makes sense - thanks for listening
Posted by Dinah on April 27, 2013, at 13:48:15
In reply to Re: question for those in therapy, posted by tetrix on April 27, 2013, at 0:04:59
I've found that hinting is rarely effective in any relationship, therapy included. An honest discussion saying exactly what you are saying here might be more helpful.
You might not get the physical comfort you're looking for directly from your therapist. But perhaps your therapist could help you meet those needs through healthy relationships with others.
Posted by baseball55 on April 27, 2013, at 19:42:11
In reply to Re: question for those in therapy » tetrix, posted by Dinah on April 27, 2013, at 13:48:15
I agree with Dinah that hinting isn't a good strategy. If you need more comfort, just say so. I need more comfort from you. The relationship isn't holding me. This doesn't mean hugs, but maybe more positive affirmations, more caring expressions, things like that. Good luck.
Posted by tetrix on May 2, 2013, at 22:55:13
In reply to Re: question for those in therapy, posted by baseball55 on April 27, 2013, at 19:42:11
Yeah, it is not something that I would do. I just stopped going, but thanks for all your help.
This is the end of the thread.
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