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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by emmanuel98 on October 30, 2011, at 18:32:40
Well, traffic has been slow here, so I will tell you the latest upset with my p-doc. I had an appointment at 4:00 on Thursday (I see him every other week now) and it was pouring rain and my umbrella broke. When I got to his office, which is on the ground floor, I could see that his lights were off. I was a bit early, so I rang his bell -- no answer -- then waited under the awning outside his building. Some women came by and rang another office and I followed them inside and waited in the lobby. I was about to call his cellphone (he is never late and has never cancelled an appointment without notice and I've been seeing him for 6-1/2 years), when I saw him walking toward the building with jeans on. He never wears jeans when he is working.
He came in the lobby, saw me and said "i'm not here to see you now." I was stunned for a minute and said but we have an appointment. He started to open his waiting room door and said, "it's been a crazy week. I lost my appointment book. I need to meet with someone now who is going to paint the office. I'll call you later." Then he went into his office.
I felt like he had kicked me in the stomach. He acted like I had no right to be there and the last person on earth he wanted to see was me.
That night he called and said, I am terribly sorry. I finally found my book. This has only happened once before in the 40 years I've been in practice. Then we made an appointment for Monday morning. But I still feel unsettled. I felt like he was saying he was sorry for forgetting our appointment, but not for the way he acted when he saw me.
So I have to bring this up tomorrow and I know it will be hard for me. I felt, after this happened, that he doesn't give a s**t about me in reality.
I told my husband about this and he said, don't take it personally. He's old (72), forgot your appointment because he lost his book and was frazzled and in a bad mood. I'm trying to tell myself that's all it was. I caught him in a bad mood and he was rude and handled the whole situation thoughtlessly. He once told me that he is not that nice a person, that he can be hurtful and anger easily. Maybe I was seeing that side of him, which he rarely show in session.
Hopefully we will talk this out tomorrow and I will feel better about the whole thing.
Posted by annierose on October 30, 2011, at 21:24:50
In reply to Painful session tomorrow with my p-doc, posted by emmanuel98 on October 30, 2011, at 18:32:40
Ouch! Double Ouch!! I would be so hurt as well. He could have handled that situation in a million better ways ... maybe he should have started with "Oh I'm so sorry! I lost my appointment book and it seems this week is a mess." And then figured out a way to see you - in some fashion - if only for a few minutes.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on October 30, 2011, at 23:08:27
In reply to Painful session tomorrow with my p-doc, posted by emmanuel98 on October 30, 2011, at 18:32:40
Ouch, agreed, he could have handled that a lot better.
It was him being cranky to be sure.
My first response to this was "what? did he think you were just hanging out in the lobby for the he'll of it?"
I hope it's a productive conversation.
Posted by floatingbridge on October 31, 2011, at 16:21:48
In reply to Re: Painful session tomorrow with my p-doc » emmanuel98, posted by sleepygirl2 on October 30, 2011, at 23:08:27
I agree with the above comments. I'm so sorry, e. It's difficult not to take personally, though your husband is most likely right. And I suppose it is also right to take it personally. How else?
I hope today works out to your satisfaction.
Posted by TherapyGirl on October 31, 2011, at 17:20:14
In reply to Painful session tomorrow with my p-doc, posted by emmanuel98 on October 30, 2011, at 18:32:40
I agree with all the others, too. I would encourage you to talk to him about how his brush off made you feel. It would be bad enough if you *had* gotten the time wrong (I have a deep-seated fear of that and just hold my breath until the door opens), but completely inappropriate given the mistake was all his. And in the same vein that we must pay for sessions we don't cancel 24 hours ahead of time, he should not charge you for today's session. After all, you incurred time and cost in going on Thursday.
Posted by emmanuel98 on November 1, 2011, at 19:15:49
In reply to Re: Painful session tomorrow with my p-doc, posted by TherapyGirl on October 31, 2011, at 17:20:14
He didn't charge me for the session, since it was his mistake. In fact, a few months ago, I was depressed and sleeping all the time and overslept our appointment and he didn't charge me for that since I had never before (in 6-1/2 years) missed an appointment. I told him I was upset by his brush-off and he said, it wasn't you. I would have reacted that way to anybody. I was just in a totally frazzled and rotten mood. He said it was probably a good thing that this happened, since I have always idealized him and seen him as wonderful and perfect. Now I saw him in a lousy mood and saw that he was not so wonderful or empathic or kind or perfect.
But it upset me because I felt like he didn't care about me, like he was just -- what the f**k are you doing here? He said if he didn't like or care about me, he wouldnt see me. He is semi-retired, doesn't need the money or the grief and could easily end the relationship and send me to someone else if he wanted to. But he is happy to still see me, cares about me and likes meeting with me.
So I felt good, but sad at the same time. I need to get over my attachment to him. I really want to. But I don't quite know how.
Posted by annierose on November 2, 2011, at 22:55:37
In reply to Re: Painful session tomorrow with my p-doc, posted by emmanuel98 on November 1, 2011, at 19:15:49
I'm not sure you can "get over" your attachment. I think, or I hope for myself anyway, that in time, it becomes less painful and more of a happy reminder "when I used to see xxx"... that the thought will bring more smiles than pain.
I think we will always hold a special place in our hearts for this relationship, but don't try to think of the attachment as something bad. Instead there will be grieving for the loss that only time eases the missing pieces.
I am glad he apologized and took total responsilbilty. Some days are just rotten and he surely did not handle this day particularly well. It had nothing to do with you - although it's hard not to take that response personally.
Posted by Dinah on November 5, 2011, at 12:11:04
In reply to Re: Painful session tomorrow with my p-doc, posted by emmanuel98 on November 1, 2011, at 19:15:49
I hate those moments. Moments when one sort of reality intrudes on the other sort of reality, and we are brought forcibly aware that they don't feel about us like we feel about them. Can you ever imagine being in such a bad mood that you'd greet your therapist that way?
It's hard to accept the truth of the limits while still appreciating what's inside of the limits.
I can't help suspecting though that it's something that is, in the long run, good for us. Like eating Brussels sprouts.
Posted by emmanuel98 on November 5, 2011, at 18:46:16
In reply to Re: Painful session tomorrow with my p-doc » emmanuel98, posted by Dinah on November 5, 2011, at 12:11:04
Can you ever imagine being in such a bad mood that you'd greet your therapist that way?
>
I have never even gotten slightly angry with him. I get hurt instead of angry. But I do this with all friends and family. I had a friend recently who was frazzled with work and not returning calls or texts. I felt depressed and hurt and my T said I should be angry. So I saw her boyfriend that night and said, tell her I'm angry. He said she's completely frazzled. I said, I know but she could take 1 minute out of her day to text me and let me know. That was a huge leap for me. Getting angry at my p-doc. Or for that matter with my husband. I don't know what that would take.
This is the end of the thread.
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