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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by emmanuel98 on August 17, 2011, at 18:29:58
I am fighting, over and over, severe bouts of depression. I was better for several weeks, then got hit with another one. I saw my p-doc and he was weird. He is no longer my primary therapist. We have agreed that if I become suicidally depressed, I need to work with my DBT therapist, so he asked what she would say, when I was seeing her. He seemed uncomfortable with me and I apologized for being so down and out. He asked if I wanted to leave, since I couln't really talk. I should have, but didn't want to. I only see him every other week and still want to keep seeing him. But I felt like he hated me, wanted me to go away or kill myself, leave him alone. He felt hostile and bored and sick of me.
I called him today and asked him if he wanted me to stop seeing him. He said, I can't be responsible for your interpretations of me. That is absolutely not true. But he was hostile and brusque and I felt more distressed after speaking to him.
I have been obsessed with the thought that he hates me and wants me to die, so he can be free of me. I understand this is irrational, but after talking to him on the phone, I felt this even more powerfully.
I laid down and thought about suicide and tried to censor those thoughts, but eventually I fell asleep and kept dreaming that I had killed myself.
I am in a crazy place right now. Everything, everything about my life is good. I was rehired for a job I had been laid off from and have every reason to expect that this will continue until I am ready to retire. My husband has been unusually kind and concerned about my being depressed. My friends have rallied round me and made dates to do things to get me moving and out of the house. But there's this little piece of me that thinks my p=doc hates me and I can't go on if that's true.
Posted by lucielu2 on August 17, 2011, at 20:08:23
In reply to My p-doc, posted by emmanuel98 on August 17, 2011, at 18:29:58
Emmanuel,
I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad. And it must be extra hard feeling so insecure about your relationship with him.
It seems very unlikely to me that he has decided that he doesn't like you anymore. Not long ago, you wrote the following after his surgery:
"He did read the book I sent him and thanked me for it and recommended some other books to me." He certainly seemed to appreciate you then.
Given that he is still recuperating, is it possible that he is actually having trouble dealing with some aspects of being back? Maybe he is feeling discouraged himself, maybe it is harder to be back than he thought.
Emmanuel, if you can I think it is very important for you not to assume that his mood or demeanor stems from his feeling negatively about you.
Please hang in there.
Posted by Dinah on August 17, 2011, at 23:25:17
In reply to My p-doc, posted by emmanuel98 on August 17, 2011, at 18:29:58
Do you think it possible that he's feeling a bit uncomfortable about how to act since he's no longer your primary therapist? Therapists aren't always as skilled at situations as we'd like to think. When my therapist feels awkward or unsure, I generally read him as angry or distant. It feels a lot alike on my end. A sort of shallow deflection instead of the deeper openness that I'm used to.
I think it very unlikely that your pdoc has suddenly started hating you. And fairly likely that he's uncomfortable, and thinking about what he should be doing instead of being genuine. He's probably worried about interfering with the DBT therapist's job, or slipping back into the familiar role of your therapist.
I also sometimes find that the energy I project is also what I perceive in my therapist sometimes. Is it possible that you are understandably angry with your pdoc about the new arrangement?
Posted by floatingbridge on August 18, 2011, at 22:39:42
In reply to My p-doc, posted by emmanuel98 on August 17, 2011, at 18:29:58
I'm sorry e. This sounds like a painful process. Someone on babble said recovery is non-linear. I need to remember this myself.
I think the other posters have had more insight comments. I'm sending a hug right now. I have experienced the sensation and idea that my pdoc hates me. Seems I go to that place more than pdoc being angry. I guess the angry position would be less painful, maybe at least more energizing. But the grass always looks greener I guess.
Can you work with your dbt person on this? My sense is the feeling of being not wanted is very painful for you, and I remember my dbt therapist helping me to identify the most difficult feelings (like someone being sick of me and leaving in disgust in my case) and helping me abide. Out of that endurance came the sense that I was actually greater than that fear. Whenever I would feel or get a whiff that I was being rejected I would become incredibly dysphoric. It continues to be something I work with.
Posted by emmanuel98 on August 19, 2011, at 19:05:14
In reply to Re: My p-doc » emmanuel98, posted by floatingbridge on August 18, 2011, at 22:39:42
Thanks to everyone. Rationally, I understand that he's not just going to start hating me. When I am depressed in session, I feel useless and unpleasant to be around. He finds this frustrating, since he doesn't feel he can be of much help to me anymore when I am this down. I think I picked up on his frustration. The fact that he is probably frustrated by his own disability (he is still in leg braces, on a walker) probably made this worse.
Of course he doesn't hate me. We have been together for 6-1/2 years and had a strong relationship. I know I am being irrational.
This is the end of the thread.
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