Posted by emmanuel98 on August 17, 2011, at 18:29:58
I am fighting, over and over, severe bouts of depression. I was better for several weeks, then got hit with another one. I saw my p-doc and he was weird. He is no longer my primary therapist. We have agreed that if I become suicidally depressed, I need to work with my DBT therapist, so he asked what she would say, when I was seeing her. He seemed uncomfortable with me and I apologized for being so down and out. He asked if I wanted to leave, since I couln't really talk. I should have, but didn't want to. I only see him every other week and still want to keep seeing him. But I felt like he hated me, wanted me to go away or kill myself, leave him alone. He felt hostile and bored and sick of me.
I called him today and asked him if he wanted me to stop seeing him. He said, I can't be responsible for your interpretations of me. That is absolutely not true. But he was hostile and brusque and I felt more distressed after speaking to him.
I have been obsessed with the thought that he hates me and wants me to die, so he can be free of me. I understand this is irrational, but after talking to him on the phone, I felt this even more powerfully.
I laid down and thought about suicide and tried to censor those thoughts, but eventually I fell asleep and kept dreaming that I had killed myself.
I am in a crazy place right now. Everything, everything about my life is good. I was rehired for a job I had been laid off from and have every reason to expect that this will continue until I am ready to retire. My husband has been unusually kind and concerned about my being depressed. My friends have rallied round me and made dates to do things to get me moving and out of the house. But there's this little piece of me that thinks my p=doc hates me and I can't go on if that's true.
poster:emmanuel98
thread:994133
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/994133.html