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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by floatingbridge on August 12, 2011, at 22:44:51
Hey. I have a new therapist. She is interested in the skills of the here and now. She also does some EMDR, if I have the letters properly organized. She is warm, engaged, but not zooming into my space. Likewise I don't feel compelled to get too personal either. This feels good right now because my longest and last therapeutic alliance broke in disaster. He was my pdoc and therapist. I can't imagine trusting or even being that engaged with another person for the rest of my life.
I like people. But right now, by the end of the day, like now, I
have my bedroom door shut, and my husband and son are
outside playing. I have largely just shut the door on everyone right now. This scares me. It scares me because it feels good. Willful. Like everyone leave me alone.I have met once with this new therapist. She has
demonstrated familiarity with clients that present with oddly overlapping conditions like myself.I'm really scared nothing will happen. That I won't and can't. Try. That I even want to try. Because if situations did not compel me to leave my house or room, I would not. Just shove a modest plate of food through the slot once a day.
Today I needed to make a routine call about refilling my medication. After I got off the phone I had a grand mal
anxiety episode. I breathed my four-square breath and, if not
self-talked, at least self-witnessed. The prescription in question was Xanax which I had been cold turkied off of in
July. I was afraid this was going to happen again, but didn't realize I was until I was making the call. Anxiety is the pits because, for me, even after the terror subsides, my body feels poisoned.This new therapist actually provided 'crisis' counseling when I
found myself cold-calling both doctors and therapists while
withdrawing. Then, when I was unable to leave the house to keep our first appointment, we phone spoke honestly. I offered to pay, and we discussed this, but she declined payment that time around. My son's play therapist is so direct about her compensation it feels mercenary to me. (I do respect and get the business thing, I really do. Guess I like a little finesse and confidence about not having every mutual breath expended together to have to be on the meter.)My last alliance was like transference, bad counter transference. I barely know what those terms mean, but felt
for months, like, who is the man talking to? His ex-wife
(wives?) sister, mother? I finally figured out it wasn't me. When the poop flew and settled, one poster said to me, and it made me laugh bleakly, 'well if you didn't have PTSD before, you surely will now.'I'll be darned if I start my new therapy dragging this in. But I guess I will just see what happens next week. I mean, if just calling in a prescription and having it go smoothly sends me off, I guess there will be no avoiding nor predicting anything.
Anyways, it has been commented upon in a number of threads above about the varying domains of psychology, medication, and ability to effect positive change in one's life.
I can only add to that topic tonight, I have no flippin' idea. Right now, if there was a magic pill, I would surely take it.
Thanks for listening. I am hear to listen along, too.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on August 13, 2011, at 0:58:42
In reply to Introduction and restarting therapy, posted by floatingbridge on August 12, 2011, at 22:44:51
Hey fb :-)
Congrats on the new therapist.
It's a scary thing sometimes, this therapy business.I too would be content to not go forth into the world, if I could help it. All that dread, so exhausting.
I'm going to really sleep now.Take care
Posted by Solstice on August 13, 2011, at 8:42:29
In reply to Introduction and restarting therapy, posted by floatingbridge on August 12, 2011, at 22:44:51
Oh Fb... I can so relate to the cave. I've liked my cave. Enough that although my cave didn't bother me... it did bother my therapist :-)
I also had a 'therapeutic' relationship that ended up being toxic to me. And I came out of it Much more traumatized than I went into it. It sucked the life out of me.. and I will never be the same. I also have inexplicable bouts of anxiety.
BUT.. I also ended up falling into the care of another therapist, of an entirely different kind. What yours did sounds like something mine would do.
What mine has told me about my cave, is that it's important for me to have it... because for me, it is the safest place I know. T says that it's ok to retreat to my cave to recover - to gather myself - hide when things feel confusing... but also says that it's something I should 'use' - - but it wouldn't be good for me to try to 'live' there. T has been patient with my forward and backward movement.. has said 'you'll come out when you feel safe enough' - and it really has worked out where that as time goes on, I come out and stay out for longer and longer periods. I have fewer setbacks. I feel more and more competent in coping. Most importantly, I have gotten better and better at protecting myself while I'm 'out.'
So I think it sounds like you've got a promising therapist.. and that with enough time, and patience with yourself, you'll move closer to where you'd like to be :-) But.. just so you know... there are still entire weekends.. even longer.. where I don't step foot outside my door.
Solstice
Posted by Dinah on August 13, 2011, at 18:58:00
In reply to Introduction and restarting therapy, posted by floatingbridge on August 12, 2011, at 22:44:51
Hi and welcome to Psychology!
Here and now skills can be extremely useful. To learn techniques to handle distress. To learn to recognize your triggers and compensate for them. To understand how your expectations and world view effect your perception of and response to the world. What could be more helpful?
I have always said my goal in life was to become a suburban hermit - the weird dog lady. And with today's ability to shop off the internet, I would be just as happy to never leave the house. I avoid phone calls, even. The world is overwhelming and my nest feels so safe. Yet oddly enough, once I am out, I sometimes dread going back home to the restricted thought of my insular life.
Posted by Phillipa on August 13, 2011, at 19:51:36
In reply to Re: Introduction and restarting therapy » floatingbridge, posted by Dinah on August 13, 2011, at 18:58:00
Exactly that way here also. And I've tried numerous therapists and for me all have been a disaster. One was good and she worked for the pdoc at that time and he said she couldn't see me as he wanted to control my theraphy. So unfair. Phillipa
Posted by floatingbridge on August 13, 2011, at 19:52:38
In reply to Introduction and restarting therapy, posted by floatingbridge on August 12, 2011, at 22:44:51
Thanks for the welcome. I am feeling a bit more normalized just reading these posts.
The cave, the crazy dog lady, the not wanting to leave home to avoid the stress of some interactions.
Yes, I make great use of the Internet. Stores used to be so small and limited. I was in a kmart last week and everything smelled of outgasing plastic, items competed for attention and all was jumbled in a heap. Not to mention the constant piped in music and intercom. It was exhausting.
I must find a place to buy packages of tube socks for my son who wears them like they are disposable.
It's o.k. To be eccentric, I guess. I just want less pain. That sounds sane enough.
Thank you very kindly :-)
Posted by emmanuel98 on August 13, 2011, at 20:33:25
In reply to Re: Introduction and restarting therapy, posted by floatingbridge on August 13, 2011, at 19:52:38
Funny. I can not be alone at all. Being alone in the house, even when I have things to do, leaves me feeling isolated and depressed. I stay out all day. I study in Starbucks and have gotten used to the music and noise. Even if I don't talk to a soul, I feel better than if were alone, in silence, at home. I am more apt to call people, to keep myself engaged if I am out and about.
Posted by Phillipa on August 13, 2011, at 21:41:04
In reply to Re: Introduction and restarting therapy, posted by emmanuel98 on August 13, 2011, at 20:33:25
Have to be out but the aloneness extends now to having to have husband with me at all times. This is sick. Phillipa
Posted by lucielu2 on August 14, 2011, at 10:34:01
In reply to Introduction and restarting therapy, posted by floatingbridge on August 12, 2011, at 22:44:51
Hi FB, good to see you. I remember you were posting last year about your son's play therapy. How's he doing?
It's good to hear that you have a new start with your own therapy. It can be so powerful when it works well, although so devastating when it goes badly. Of course the same is true of meds. Your new T sounds very good.
Posted by floatingbridge on August 14, 2011, at 12:08:18
In reply to Re: Introduction and restarting therapy, posted by lucielu2 on August 14, 2011, at 10:34:01
Hi again. Yes, I did post here last year. As I recall, I had some rough manners (a little blush) so thanks for tracking so well.
He has been doing well, ESP dealing with my recent crisis. His therapist reports that he despite showing signs of stress, his play is organizing in healthy ways.
The timing has been mixed. He has always stayed close to me. I nursed him a long time, family bed, I guess kind of a modified attachment parenting thing. He'd been (I felt) trying to leave the gravitational pull of planet mama for sometime. It's difficult for us both. The recent crisis forced our hands a bit. He seems to be rebounding and integrating this fairly well. But I still worry because....I am his mom :P
Thanks for the welcome lucielu.
(And everyone above or reading along.)
Posted by lucielu2 on August 14, 2011, at 12:35:32
In reply to Re: Introduction and restarting therapy » lucielu2, posted by floatingbridge on August 14, 2011, at 12:08:18
Your escaping the gravitational pull of planet mama made me smile... you could just as well be describing a lot of posts above, with kids going away to college... it's a whole parent solar system, isn't it? And that's the job of our little moons, to escape our orbits and establish their own. Lol.
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