Posted by floatingbridge on August 12, 2011, at 22:44:51
Hey. I have a new therapist. She is interested in the skills of the here and now. She also does some EMDR, if I have the letters properly organized. She is warm, engaged, but not zooming into my space. Likewise I don't feel compelled to get too personal either. This feels good right now because my longest and last therapeutic alliance broke in disaster. He was my pdoc and therapist. I can't imagine trusting or even being that engaged with another person for the rest of my life.
I like people. But right now, by the end of the day, like now, I
have my bedroom door shut, and my husband and son are
outside playing. I have largely just shut the door on everyone right now. This scares me. It scares me because it feels good. Willful. Like everyone leave me alone.I have met once with this new therapist. She has
demonstrated familiarity with clients that present with oddly overlapping conditions like myself.I'm really scared nothing will happen. That I won't and can't. Try. That I even want to try. Because if situations did not compel me to leave my house or room, I would not. Just shove a modest plate of food through the slot once a day.
Today I needed to make a routine call about refilling my medication. After I got off the phone I had a grand mal
anxiety episode. I breathed my four-square breath and, if not
self-talked, at least self-witnessed. The prescription in question was Xanax which I had been cold turkied off of in
July. I was afraid this was going to happen again, but didn't realize I was until I was making the call. Anxiety is the pits because, for me, even after the terror subsides, my body feels poisoned.This new therapist actually provided 'crisis' counseling when I
found myself cold-calling both doctors and therapists while
withdrawing. Then, when I was unable to leave the house to keep our first appointment, we phone spoke honestly. I offered to pay, and we discussed this, but she declined payment that time around. My son's play therapist is so direct about her compensation it feels mercenary to me. (I do respect and get the business thing, I really do. Guess I like a little finesse and confidence about not having every mutual breath expended together to have to be on the meter.)My last alliance was like transference, bad counter transference. I barely know what those terms mean, but felt
for months, like, who is the man talking to? His ex-wife
(wives?) sister, mother? I finally figured out it wasn't me. When the poop flew and settled, one poster said to me, and it made me laugh bleakly, 'well if you didn't have PTSD before, you surely will now.'I'll be darned if I start my new therapy dragging this in. But I guess I will just see what happens next week. I mean, if just calling in a prescription and having it go smoothly sends me off, I guess there will be no avoiding nor predicting anything.
Anyways, it has been commented upon in a number of threads above about the varying domains of psychology, medication, and ability to effect positive change in one's life.
I can only add to that topic tonight, I have no flippin' idea. Right now, if there was a magic pill, I would surely take it.
Thanks for listening. I am hear to listen along, too.
I dig a pony.
poster:floatingbridge
thread:993598
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/993598.html