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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 16, 2010, at 21:26:10
One more thing...
My therapist has noted several times that when I come into therapy, I seem to make it a point that he knows how really, really bad things are. He is right. I want him to know the chaos, and I want him to see that it is real, that I do feel this. I am high-functioning; everybody thinks I am fine. In some ways, I feel like I need to snap in order to overcome the split between the two selves that have emerged. I feel like until this happens, no one will believe me. My parents have no idea what is going on. Neither does anyone except my therapist and one friend. And then I wonder if it is in my head.
Sometimes in sessions, I feel afraid to talk about what is going right, what has been good, or to talk about what seem to me important mundane and maybe boring things like my childhood or past. I am so afraid that he is going to be bored, or worse, that I am fine and don't need to be in therapy. He'll tell me that I don't need help.
And here comes the bad part. I don't think I am fine, but sometimes I am afraid to be fine. I don't feel real often; I always feel like I am faking it. But when I do feel most real, it is when I am depressed or otherwise in a state of desperation, darkness, or grief. I feel most connected to others in these states. I think I am afraid that if I leave these states then I will have no more connections with anyone, especially my therapist. I am afriad of being alone and unreal.
So it is a question about hyperactivating my emotions and way of being. I wonder if I am doing that in therapy. If my intense anxiety and numb/tingling hands, and inability to speak are coming from this. From what I have read on attachment theory, this can be a way to get someone's attention when you need help and have been ignored in the past. That is how I have felt my whole life, actually. Not physically, but emotionally. Not even lacking love; but rather lacking a validation of my feelings and never feeling free or having a way to express what is actually going on.
I am drowning in words again. Drowning, drowning and lost.
Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 16, 2010, at 22:51:01
In reply to Hyperactivating emotions?, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 16, 2010, at 21:26:10
I keep telling myself that I am not powerless. But these feelings won't go away.
I am just so, so tired.
Tired of all of this.
Tired of trying.
Posted by Helana on December 17, 2010, at 14:08:30
In reply to so tired, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 16, 2010, at 22:51:01
Annabelle,
I feel just like the words you write.
Posted by sigismund on December 27, 2010, at 16:14:53
In reply to Hyperactivating emotions?, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 16, 2010, at 21:26:10
I don't know how old you are of course. When I was ......O God, which age shall i pick?....well, when I was under 30 my emotions were so intense and my mind so clear I didn't think I could stand it. Now that I am almost 60 everything is starting to fall apart so it hurts much less, or something like that.
All perfectly reasonable stuff you write there.
I did a lot of therapy. because I am rigid and stubborn and whatever else, boneheaded or courageous or nothing, I went to therapy forever. Was it a good idea? Search me. Was she a good therapist? Yes. Very good. My attachment to her was interupted at year 3 and we never recovered something. I suppose a feeling of intense attachment or love? Now, so much later, I feel I should have bee able to deal with it (my general state of mind) better, but I have no suggestions for myself back then. Finding people you love who love you who you can be yourself with, of course. Easy to say.
This is the end of the thread.
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