Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 16, 2010, at 21:26:10
One more thing...
My therapist has noted several times that when I come into therapy, I seem to make it a point that he knows how really, really bad things are. He is right. I want him to know the chaos, and I want him to see that it is real, that I do feel this. I am high-functioning; everybody thinks I am fine. In some ways, I feel like I need to snap in order to overcome the split between the two selves that have emerged. I feel like until this happens, no one will believe me. My parents have no idea what is going on. Neither does anyone except my therapist and one friend. And then I wonder if it is in my head.
Sometimes in sessions, I feel afraid to talk about what is going right, what has been good, or to talk about what seem to me important mundane and maybe boring things like my childhood or past. I am so afraid that he is going to be bored, or worse, that I am fine and don't need to be in therapy. He'll tell me that I don't need help.
And here comes the bad part. I don't think I am fine, but sometimes I am afraid to be fine. I don't feel real often; I always feel like I am faking it. But when I do feel most real, it is when I am depressed or otherwise in a state of desperation, darkness, or grief. I feel most connected to others in these states. I think I am afraid that if I leave these states then I will have no more connections with anyone, especially my therapist. I am afriad of being alone and unreal.
So it is a question about hyperactivating my emotions and way of being. I wonder if I am doing that in therapy. If my intense anxiety and numb/tingling hands, and inability to speak are coming from this. From what I have read on attachment theory, this can be a way to get someone's attention when you need help and have been ignored in the past. That is how I have felt my whole life, actually. Not physically, but emotionally. Not even lacking love; but rather lacking a validation of my feelings and never feeling free or having a way to express what is actually going on.
I am drowning in words again. Drowning, drowning and lost.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:973749
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101115/msgs/973749.html