![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by yellowbird01 on November 18, 2010, at 19:27:40
Its been awhile since I've posted here, so forgive me.. but I need to vent this somewhere.
I am absolutely fuming with anger.
My boyfriend has a niece who is 6yo. She was sexually abused by a male family friend one time at 4yo. CPS was involved and the mother (whom the child lives with) agreed not to allow any contact between the abuser and her daughter.
My boyfriend told me tonight that after a year of counseling, the child took back her story and said the abuse did not occur. I wholeheartedly believe it DID occur.. there are many reasons why a child that age would retract their story. Apparently within the past week, the child's mother allowed the abuser to babysit for the child for an evening because she was desperate and couldnt find anyone else. She also believes the abuse didnt happen since the child reportedly changed her story after a year of therapy.
This is NOT OKAY. For those who dont know, I wotked for CPS for several years (just left a few months ago). I am intimately familiar with what could happen should CPS find out the mother of the child allowed this man to babysit. The child would very likely come into foster care or be placed with a relative. My boyfriend is going to speak to his sister (the childs mother) tomorrow about this, but his plan is to approach is casually and not tell her what to do, etc.
I am absolutely fuming. My head is tingling. I am so angry. I suppose I'm sensitive after working with these cases for several years, but still. What do I do? I dont trust that this wont happen again, even if my boyfriend does talk to her. I also am not 100% certain my boyfriend would tell me if it happened again. I mentioned that if I was still working for CPS I'd be mandated to report this... he said he wouldnt have told me if I still worked there. Part of me wants to pick up the phone right now and report this. This is NOT okay. But at the same time, I know doing so will destroy my relationship with my boyfriend's entire family and very possibly end or severely damage my long-term relationship with my boyfriend as well. In the end, I feel it's my job to protect a child, even if it means ruining these relationships, but I dont want to jump the gun. I also dont want to traumatize the child any further by getting CPS involved etc if this really was a one-time incident. I'm so angry I almost feel like crying. I really liked my boyfriend's sister, but I just lost every ounce of respect I have for her tonight.
So help me babblers, what do I do?
Posted by obsidian on November 18, 2010, at 22:31:47
In reply to Beyond angry with friend... *mild csa trigger*, posted by yellowbird01 on November 18, 2010, at 19:27:40
oh boy, what a question, and what a difficult position to be in.
do you have the kind of relationship with his sister that you can speak to her about this?
I suspect this can't end well for you no matter what.
I don't know what the hell she was thinking.
I can understand your fury.
Posted by yellowbird01 on November 18, 2010, at 23:34:43
In reply to Re: Beyond angry with friend... *mild csa trigger* » yellowbird01, posted by obsidian on November 18, 2010, at 22:31:47
Thanks for understanding. At least I know I'm not totally out of my mind for feeling this way...
Unfortunately I dont really have much of a relationship with his sister. Not enough to talk to her about something like this anyway. In addition to that, my boyfriend told me about this with the clear expectation that I wasnt to let any of the family know that I know, or mention it to his sister in any way. I'm 99% sure theyre not even aware I know about the sexual abuse to begin with.
I tried to keep most of my anger inside when my boyfriend shared this with me so that he wont be discouraged from telling me if it happens again. If it does continue to happen, and I find out, I will report it, and I'll just have to deal with whatever consequences that brings. As much as I'd hate to destroy my relationship with my boyfriend and his family, I couldnt live with myself if I knew I was allowing a child to be subjected to (possible) further abuse. That's IF I find out.... and something tells me I probably wont. But even that solution doesnt feel good enough right now. I mean, what kind of parent does that? .....
Posted by pegasus on November 19, 2010, at 11:05:54
In reply to Re: Beyond angry with friend... *mild csa trigger* » obsidian, posted by yellowbird01 on November 18, 2010, at 23:34:43
Wow. And how can your boyfriend not also be furious. Doesn't anyone care about that little girl besides you? I don't get it when people want to handle situations like this "casually". I mean, it sounds entirely possible that this little girl was subjected to abuse the other night, or at least was put in the care of her previous perpetrator. And all because her mom was in denial and desperate for a babysitter. It is completely not OK.
And what a terrible position for you to be in. You - not being the mom in the situation - should not have to choose between protecting a 6 year old and protecting your relationship with the man you love. Can you talk this over with your boyfriend at a time when you are not fuming? I mean, if he's a reasonable guy, wouldn't he understand what a horrible position you are in? Can he respect that protecting this poor kid, who is not being protected by her mom, is your top priority, even over damaging relationships with his family. But that you'd rather find a way to protect her without damaging all of those relationships? Seems like he could help you do that. At least, he could point out to his sister, in a way that she will hear, that if CPS finds out about this type of thing, she could lose custody of her daughter. And maybe more importantly, he could point out that the abuse might really have happened, even if the kid is currently saying it didn't.
Let us know what happens. I'm horrified along with you.
- P
Posted by yellowbird01 on November 20, 2010, at 20:58:31
In reply to Re: Beyond angry with friend... *mild csa trigger*, posted by pegasus on November 19, 2010, at 11:05:54
I dont know why my boyfriend is not as upset by this as I am... although I cant say it totally surprises me. I cant say why it doesnt shock me, because I'm really not sure... but for some reason, it doesnt. I totally agree with you, this situation is NOT casual, and it blows my mind that I'm the only one who sees that. We're talking about serious abuse that can destroy this poor child, and no one seems to care. What?!
My boyfriend (and I) found out about this 2 nights ago. A little over 48 hours now. He still hasnt spoken to his sister. I was under the impression he was going to go see her (they live only a few miles apart) but he said he plans to call. But he hasnt done it yet. And he has definitely had the time. I'm so confused. Why isnt he worried? My emotions are all over the place about this. Sad, angry, confused.
I fear making any mention of involving CPS to my boyfriend. He is a smart guy, and if he has any suggestion I may involve them, he wont share anything about this situation with me. I dont want to be cut out of the loop because I want to know if this does get worse. I did tell him I think the abuse DID occur, even though the child recanted after a year of therapy, and he agreed with me. He's in the social work field himself, and hes by no means dumb, so he does have some knowledge of how these issues work. I do plan on bringing it up to him again, and telling him how important I think it is to deal with this, but I dont want to hit it too hard (to him) and risk being cut out of the loop.
Part of me is angry at myself for even debating reporting this and not just automatically doing it. I'm just not sure what the right thing to do is yet.
Thanks for responding. It's good to know I'm not the only one who finds this concerning.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.