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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2Chica on November 3, 2010, at 14:57:48
so for those of you that remember me. Hi and i've missed you all. but i've been glad i've been away as long as i have. (means i've been depression/episode free).
but that time has come back.
i am So mad and scared today. i'm freaking out a bit.
my therapist wont email me back. last night i emailed her a drunk (wondering about life rant).
she said she was concerned and would check backwith me in the mnorning. i actually never expected a response as it was like 11:30 pm. but as of now (3:00 pm next day) she's never responded. and i just cant type any words to her. whats stopping me? i dont know. i think if someone were to ask me, i could respond. but i have 100 thoughts behind not writing her.
i need help, but she cant fit me in this week anyway,
and if she could, i couldn't afford it anyway.
I feel less than second rate.
That i'm in so much emotional pain that i cant even talk.
How do you say in an email that you heart aches for the world?
That all is fuzzy and beginning to feel completely detached from the world?
That i want to curl up in my closet in the dark.I finally called my pdoc and they cant get me in till monday. he told me last time that he would make sure i'd get worked in ASAP. as he knows my downhill is like 48hours immediate.
i dont know who to turn to...and to top it off, i need to go pick up my BEAUTIFUL children and figure out how to be a mom for tonight. Get them fed, its bath night...and all that. all when i can hardly lift my fingers to type.
I'm scared of the world.
I'm sad for the world.
My mind is coated now and dulled by fear and ache.i just need to tell someone....
HELP! i'm falling down the rabbit hole again.
PLEASE SOMEONE HEEEEEELP ME!!!!!
my pdoc is my white rabbit, i can only pray that he hears i'm making an appt and helps me get in earlier.Thanks for listening.
b2c.
Posted by lucielu2 on November 3, 2010, at 22:27:49
In reply to its back...depressive rants., posted by B2Chica on November 3, 2010, at 14:57:48
b2c,
It's good to hear from you although not good to hear that you are feeling so down. Can you fill us in on what has been going on in your life, how it has been after the new baby? Do you have any idea what has started this slide?
It is so hard to have to wait for care from pdocs or Ts. Is there any chance you could get in before Monday on a cancellation? Would your T consider doing a phone session? Maybe these things are not possible, but worth asking. When I'm in pain and sessions are not coming up soon enough for me, I write. And posting here can help.
((((((((((((((((b2c))))))))))))))))))))
-Lucie
Posted by sigismund on November 4, 2010, at 2:32:01
In reply to its back...depressive rants., posted by B2Chica on November 3, 2010, at 14:57:48
G'day, I've been wondering where you were and how you are.
This in your post jumped out at me
>I'm scared of the world.
>I'm sad for the world.
>My mind is coated now and dulled by fear and ache.That's the correct line, IMO. It doesn't make it fun.
Your kids will be older now. They are (I think) at such a wonderful age, I wish you could feel a little better about everything so you could enjoy the time you have with them which, after all, is not so very long but very precious.
Posted by B2Chica on November 4, 2010, at 9:10:37
In reply to Re: its back...depressive rants. » B2Chica, posted by sigismund on November 4, 2010, at 2:32:01
hey lucie and sig
well, baby just turned 1 a few months ago. i hesitantly stopped nursing in july cuz ALL my docs urged me to do it while in summer months....i was kinda pi$$ed that i did, cuz i've been just fine until a few weeks ago. (so i could have made it a year with nursing).
As like last time, i was almost conviced my hormones had been shifted and all was gonna be good.
However, (maybe tmi for some) i hadn't started my period (thus no excess progesterone which i think causes some of the issues).
but a few weeks ago my OB was concerned that it had been three months since ending nursing and i still had not started AF, so she started me on progestin, after 8 days my symptoms slowly came back, starting with rage and irritability, then sadness. my AF ended monday, and hell began...
i cant sleep, i cant eat...(i'm actually starving, but then when i reach for some kind of food that sounds even remotely good, my anxiety does a ramp up and i get nauseous.)My oldest is 3.5, and youngest 1. They are THE MOST AMAZING babies i could have Ever been blessed with.
Thats why this time around, i WILL keep fighting.
Suicide is just NOT an option.
But as some of you know....sometimes not having that "backup plan" makes the emotional pain even worse..because you KNOW you have no way out.
I called pdoc's office back and asked for sooner time, she will call if she can get me in sooner.
and my T.
ok, you all are going to get pi$$ed at me but my T called me yesterday afternoon (shortly after i wrote the post) But i couldnt answer. there's something about her voice that, well sets me off. i think because i'm so used to being vulerable with her. Theres something inside me saying that i just CANT be vulnerable right now. that if i am, it will allow a window for a landslide to come in...
so i texted her back. literally begging her to not contact me. i dont want her to worry, but i need to shutdown right now. go completely inside. its the only protection i remember right now. at least until i get back on my meds.
i just cant guys. i cant hear her voice. it will tear me apart.
i told her kinda what i mentioned here...that it all came back so fast and fierce that i need to shutdown and not communicate with anyone...that the emotions are TOO much, too much anger, too much fear,and the sadness...God that sadness guys, i forgot how CRUSHING it is...
i felt like my heart was being RIPPED apart.
i am feeling slightly better this morning. (but i'm also running on little over 2 hours sleep).
so im not sure if i'm feeling better or just totally numb.isnt it strange that even when i shutdown to the rest of the world, i can usually still post here...
i'v forgotten how amazing this place is.Thank you,
and i'll be around.
b2c.
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2010, at 11:10:34
In reply to Re: its back...depressive rants., posted by B2Chica on November 4, 2010, at 9:10:37
I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad. I hope your pdoc can help you make medication changes to feel better.
I so understand about being afraid to contact your therapist. Nothing opens the floodgates of emotion for me like speaking to mine. Sometimes I'm not even aware that I'm feeling strongly about something until I start crying in his presence. If you don't have the time to really feel, it can be scary to take the risk.
I'm sorry but I forgot. When do you next see your therapist?
Posted by B2Chica on November 4, 2010, at 11:27:32
In reply to Re: its back...depressive rants. » B2Chica, posted by Dinah on November 4, 2010, at 11:10:34
nov 18th.
i've been doing once a month during pregnancy and nursing. and since mood was doing well, i kept that up.
Problem is, now with two kids in daycare...$$$
no money. so i'm not even sure i can afford anymore than once a month.but i got pdoc appt for monday night.
i'm on wait list incase i can get in earlier.the thing thats frustrating thing. when i did kind of a well visit with him back in june, he KNOWS how fast and hard this hits, so he told the front desk that if i call to make SURE i can get in asap. (but that was june).
granted i waited until wed to even call. but 5 days seems like an ETERNITY.
i'm just...well, im ashamed to admit it but i'm self-medicating to try to get to sleep at nights.
i take a larger dose of xanax and like clockwork hour half goes by and it does nothing, so i drink.
well, its only taken one week and my alcohol tolerance is built up. so now i've switched from 1-2 glasses of wine to harder liquor to do the job.
its only getting worse.
my anxiety is at a constant 8. almost constant nausea because of it. cant eat, cant sleep.i feel like a zombie.
and i know...its technically only a few days to wait..but MAN, when every minute of the day you ache??? it feels like an ETERNITY!thanks for letting me rant.
its helping me.b2c.
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2010, at 11:33:21
In reply to Re: its back...depressive rants., posted by B2Chica on November 4, 2010, at 11:27:32
Xanax is the only thing you have to use as needed? Have you tried the APs? Not for nothing are they called major tranqulizers, and yet Risperdal has never caused the same sleepiness or "out of it" feeling that I have with benzos. I actually feel more alert and able to function on Risperdal, when I'm on a downward slide. That comes in handy with kids. :)
I know they aren't for everyone of course. But whenever I hear of steep slides, that's the thing I think of because it has been so helpful to me on an as needed basis.
Posted by B2Chica on November 4, 2010, at 13:03:44
In reply to Re: its back...depressive rants. » B2Chica, posted by Dinah on November 4, 2010, at 11:33:21
Agree TOTALLY Dinah.
zyprexa has been my fail-safe drug over the years. but i dont have any on hand. and cant get rx till see pdoc (vicious circle...)someone on meds suggested 5-HTP, so i might try that if its not too $$.
thanks
c.
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2010, at 13:40:12
In reply to Re: its back...depressive rants., posted by B2Chica on November 4, 2010, at 13:03:44
Your pdoc is strict! I worried about calling mine for a AP refill, but he didn't seem to mind doing it at all. I doubt he'd refill my klonopin that way, but I don't think they worry about AP's as much.
Posted by B2Chica on November 4, 2010, at 15:30:03
In reply to Re: its back...depressive rants. » B2Chica, posted by Dinah on November 4, 2010, at 13:40:12
oops, better explain more.
no, he's not strict. in fact he's the BEST pdoc Ever.
i was with him during my worst period. then right before i had my first child he closed his practice (he actually worked full time in a hospital and did pp on the side) it became too much so he close practice. WEll...to my Extreme relief...i heard a few months ago that he reopened his practice!
so i was able to get one initial meet with him...OMG, we ended up talking for like over an hour!...but i digress.
anyway, he knew i was still nursing and good. and gave me a rx for adderall and said when things started to go south to start on these and CALL HIM Asap!
so i did, and i did. but appt isn't till tomorrow.
so i was actually seeing a different pdoc up till then.oh, i just breathed a HUGE sigh even thinking about that.
i am So incredibly happy i'm back with him. he was the ONLY pdoc that i Ever felt "had my back". he listened, but is also very blunt (what i need). and i'm soooo much in my head during depression, he somehow has a way of getting me out.But, i'm really getting nervous now. its time to leave work.
i think i'm going to head out and spend 15min in the park getting my head on as best as possible. for tonight.i love you all
and am Honestly, glad to be back.
b2c
Posted by pegasus on November 5, 2010, at 11:35:51
In reply to its back...depressive rants., posted by B2Chica on November 3, 2010, at 14:57:48
Hi B2C. It's good to see you hear. And, I'm really sorry that things have been so bad. It sounds like you're being a wonderful mother, in that you're so focussed on your kids' best interests, even when you're at the bottom of a hole yourself. I *know* how impossible that feels sometimes. I wish you healing, and send you much support.
- P
Posted by floatingbridge on November 6, 2010, at 16:31:48
In reply to Re: its back...depressive rants., posted by B2Chica on November 4, 2010, at 15:30:03
B2Chica,
I don't think we've ever spoken. I lurk and occasionally post here.
A mental health crisis is hell. Being a mom (or dad) while have a mental health crisis is hell squared.
There is so much pressure to shield the kids--and rightfully so, but still that pressure can really ramp up the fear and anxiety. I know.
When I stopped nursing, my depression worsened, btw. Shortly afterwards I had a major downslide.
Be kind to yourself. Get as much help as you can with the kids, which it sounds like you are with daycare, but that's quite expensive.
In a crisis, can you go to the hospital and ask for zyprexa? That's what works for you? Or a crisis center. I used to drink to go to sleep because I had nothing else, and I look back and feel that, in some ways, I was punishing myself by doing that. I mean, I fully acknowledge the dilemma--I lived it. I was desperate.
You deserve better care. How can you get the meds you need?
I'm holding you in my thoughts.
Posted by B2Chica on November 8, 2010, at 11:55:57
In reply to being a mom » B2Chica, posted by floatingbridge on November 6, 2010, at 16:31:48
thank you so much fb.
i think i got some meds to help with sleep.
yesterday was a sad day but i made it through.
and today i went to work thinking i could do it...
i check my email first thing...
there was a universal email to let people know that a co-worker...(my coworker) unexpectedly died this weekend.....he killed himself.
i'm not good. i've texted my t three times. but i do see her at 2:00.
until then i have my gabapentin, klonipin and my nice bottle o vodka i bought when i left work.i'm barely hangin on.
i just need some help.i'll try to post back if i can.
c.
Posted by floatingbridge on November 8, 2010, at 14:05:44
In reply to Re: being a mom, posted by B2Chica on November 8, 2010, at 11:55:57
Post when you can. Some of us are worried and pulling for you.
(I posted to your med board thread, too.)
You're in my thoughts, Chica.
Posted by B2chica on November 11, 2010, at 9:43:22
In reply to Re: being a mom » B2Chica, posted by floatingbridge on November 8, 2010, at 14:05:44
ok, so i got SMASHED! before my t appt.
i dont even remember that much of my session except screaming at her, crying and literally on the floor begging her to kill me.
i didnt feel i was there long and i threw the bottle of vodka at her direction (and grabbed my crap and walked out).UNfortunately i meet with her agin today.
***********
i think im mad because i know i need to end it with her.
i think she's done as much as she can.
or maybe she holds too many of my secrets.
i dont know.
but i think we need to end.i know i have an alcohol problem when self-medicating. because i just want to be taken under. and this time around its WAY worse.
maybe my niece and i could go to some type of group together. she is a binge drinker and i think she may be self medicating for something herself. (her self-esteem). not having to face herself.i'm sad that the war is within my own mind. that no one can reach in grab it and hold it and tell it, its going to make it.
i'm sad, so i need to get back to work.
thanks for your thoughts.
b2
Posted by Solstice on November 11, 2010, at 10:52:50
In reply to Re: NOT being a good mom, posted by B2chica on November 11, 2010, at 9:43:22
Hi B2> ok, so i got SMASHED! before my t appt.
> i dont even remember that much of my session except screaming at her, crying and literally on the floor begging her to kill me.
> i didnt feel i was there long and i threw the bottle of vodka at her direction (and grabbed my crap and walked out).Wow. I've felt my share of desperate pain - but cannot even imagine how deep the fear and pain must be for this to unfold.
>
> UNfortunately i meet with her agin today.Maybe not unfortunately. If you have a therapist who can stay with you through this kind of crisis, your making yourself stay in it may be the key to figuring out what is driving the self-destructive aspects of your behavior. In earlier posts you described (I think I'm remembering this right) calling your therapist, but then what sounded to me like being intensely afraid of the vulnerability the actual contact would unleash. During my journey with my therapist, my desperate fight against what I needed most, I felt what you describe. I would be in a crisis of pain and wrestle with it for so long trying to not need my therapist. Then, in some desperate moment I would send a text pouring out my dispair. When my phone rang and my therapist's name popped up - I would panic. The thought of hearing that voice terrified me. I couldn't manage the conflict between my desperate need to 'touch' that base, and the unbearable act of 'allowing' myself to rely on that connection. It was just intolerable to me. My anxiety would shoot throught he roof as I was paralyzed between my need and my fear. When I did't answer, sometimes my therapist would call again later - or email me. The important thing here is that what happened with me is that I made myself stay *in* it. It was hard. At times I thought I wouldn't survive the unbearable feeling of relying on and believing in the therapeutic caring that was extended to me. There is no way for me to describe how glad I am that I stayed with it.
>
> ***********
> i think im mad because i know i need to end it with her.
> i think she's done as much as she can.
> or maybe she holds too many of my secrets.
> i dont know.
> but i think we need to end.
There you are, B2. Your 3rd line says it all. If this has been a good therapeutic relationship - maybe it's that you know you can't *hide* from yourself in that relationship. Self-medication, of course, is a form of hiding from ourselves. An escape. A way to not face it or deal with it. You may be suffering from a sense of shame. I did. Shame is never helpful - no matter what you've done. And shame is weird. I don't know exactly how it dissipated - but I do know that it's dissipation is directly related to my relationship with my therapist... in the acceptance... in experiencing my pain at every level of its intensity in that room in the presence of my therapist, and never feeling judged (other than by myself).. in repeatedly (over time) experiencing and re-experiencing that relationship staying sturdy no matter what was taking place inside me. I believe that what was taking place was that after having been starved from the beginning of my life of any kind of intimate connection... after having a very unreliable source of connection through my parents... I was going through the process of the establishing of a secure attachment - but first I had to break through a primal fear of it. My fright of experiencing attachment was enormous. As much as in my head I *knew* this would be good for me, I could not control the life-or-death urging I felt to run for the hills and avoid it at all costs. That fear was so primal - probably rooted in the persistent emotional neglect I experienced when I was too young to have any way to understand it or cope with it. So I had to bear that inner struggle repeatedly. All I can say is thank God my therapist didn't give up. Thank God T did not take my struggle as a 'statement' about T's therapeutic effectiveness. Thank God my therapist was balanced enough to bear my repeated rejection of the care extended to me. I've wondered if my therapist felt vulnerable to my rejection. There have been times T has said (as a result of my reaching out and pushing away) "When you didn't answer, I wondered if I had done something (therapeutically) that was problematic.. I wondered if you were upset with me about something... I wondered 'How do I therapeutically respond to this?'"I would really encourage you to stay *in* it. Unless your therapist is doing something harmful - don't run away now. As for 'she's done all she can do' - I don't know. When I wanted to run away from attachment, I also questioned whether my therapist and I had plateued (sp?). What I realize now though, is that I just wanted a reason to run from the threat of attachment. If I had done that, sure - I could have found another therapist and enjoyed a nice little honeymoon phase of re-telling my stories. Maybe I could have learned some interesting new things. But I'd end up in the same place - fighting and running from the risk of attachment.. from being emotionally vulnerable in that relationship. There's no way for me to know whether it is your issue too, but achieving that attachment has been the key to my healing. The only way to know is to stay *in* the relationship long enough to find out.
> i'm sad that the war is within my own mind. that no one can reach in grab it and hold it and tell it, its going to make it.
>It's good to understand that it's internal. That helped me bear the unbearable process of letting myself develop a secure attachment to my therapist. Maybe you need to just stand still for now.
Solstice
Posted by floatingbridge on November 11, 2010, at 12:06:20
In reply to Re: NOT being a good mom, posted by B2chica on November 11, 2010, at 9:43:22
B2!C,
Solstice has written some words of wisdom from the heart. I can only second them. Standing still and not running can be so difficult and yet what might be exactly what is needed, despite every single cell of someone's being instinctively wanting to run, hide, smash bottles, whatever.
It took me so long to begin to trust my T (not like I'm done). I notice that I would really resent him for not being able to help me-- that is, heal me, take away my pain. So I'd make all these plans to leave.
My sense of shame can become so intense. Awful, awful feeling. Unbearable. But my T can bear it. He does not see me as the shame. What he does see and acknowledge is the pain.
When I share my pain, then he can help me brainstorm was to address it. The shame shrinks, much like Solstice says.
If you talk to your T in ways similar to how you post, she must recognize your strength and honesty. At least I hope so. And if she's willing to see you after throwing a bottle, I imagine she recognizes your distress. What do you think?
Be brave Chica. Remember you are worthwhile, too, just as much as the best person you can think of. Only those with hearts can feel them break.
You are brave. Great big hugs!
This is the end of the thread.
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