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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by floatingbridge on February 27, 2010, at 3:05:18
Really. I love him. And fear being him. He helped ruin my life with his intrusive, violent rages and maniacal religious indoctrination. My mother was depressed, unavailable. For years, my anger fell to her (silently that is). I still can't really drum up
loving feelings for her. At my father's funeral I wept, and wept, and wept. What gives? How can I love him? I don't get it. Is there a theory, or is life just f*ckin long on irony? Oh well.
Posted by mystickangaroo on February 27, 2010, at 3:58:29
In reply to can someone explain: why I protect my father, posted by floatingbridge on February 27, 2010, at 3:05:18
Hi Floatingbridge
I thought Iwould be glad when my dad died. I was a mess. My T said your are mourning the loss of the father you could of had. The good Dad that never happened. It made sense to me.
Posted by Dinah on February 27, 2010, at 10:42:31
In reply to can someone explain: why I protect my father, posted by floatingbridge on February 27, 2010, at 3:05:18
I think Mystickangaroo's idea is really a good one. I often think it's harder to lose a parent we didn't have a good relationship with. The feelings are so much more complex, and the loss and grief are more indirect.
But if your mother was depressed and withdrawn (which makes a certain amount of sense given your father's personality) and your father was explosive and raging, might it have felt a lot safer to put the anger you rightly felt at both parents entirely on your mother? Who was unlikely to retaliate in a way that would endanger you?
Posted by Daisym on February 27, 2010, at 11:25:03
In reply to Re: can someone explain: why I protect my father » floatingbridge, posted by Dinah on February 27, 2010, at 10:42:31
What we know from research is that children whither and die from neglect - adults too. So a father who paid attention, even negative attention, was "better" in some sense than a mom who wasn't available at all. If you look in between the rages, etc. was he ever nice to you? Did he notice you? I think we grasp onto these things tightly and magnify them. Plus, sometimes we find a way to rationalize the "crazy" parent. A parent who pulls away gives us nowhere to go except to ourselves - "she hates me or blames me" and we desperately want them to DO SOMETHING about the other parent.
It is all really complicated. If you do get angry with him, what are you left with and what will that mean to how you see yourself? And awareness is the single biggest defense against being just like him - and you seem to have that.
Good luck with all this. It truly is very complicated. And understanding it doesn't always change it.
Posted by rnny on February 27, 2010, at 15:50:52
In reply to can someone explain: why I protect my father, posted by floatingbridge on February 27, 2010, at 3:05:18
On some level you loved him and when he died, you being human, felt pain. Both of my parents were abusive (a match made in heaven) and I have reason to have hatred for them both. But sometimes I feel so sad and stop hating them because I did at one time love them. But that doesn't last and I hate them again.
Posted by floatingbridge on February 28, 2010, at 18:52:14
In reply to can someone explain: why I protect my father, posted by floatingbridge on February 27, 2010, at 3:05:18
Your replies are very helpful. Read together, they shed a kinda multi-faceted insight. I really appreciate your kind, wise words and the sharing of your experiences.
Slogging through therapy can be rough stuff for me, and the simplest can seem so complex--you know, like I'm a real dimwit unable to wake from some
version of "Groundhog's Day". Then again, I feel like I'm holding a Chinese box in my hands, turning it over and over, the secret opening remaining
elusive.Thanks--you all are wonderful.
Slo
Posted by sassyfrancesca on March 2, 2010, at 15:18:30
In reply to thanks all :), posted by floatingbridge on February 28, 2010, at 18:52:14
I never knew my father and didn't think it affected me, and then I wrote a poem, called "THe Fatherless Child." People cry when they read it.
We all want our parent's love, acceptance and celebration of us, no matter our age. It is so sad when we don't get it.
My mother was physically and verbally violent, so there was no stable parent or life!
Perhaps you could write a letter to your father and pour out your thoughts and feelings and what you wished (and missed) with him.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by floatingbridge on March 2, 2010, at 17:23:09
In reply to Re: thanks all :) » floatingbridge, posted by sassyfrancesca on March 2, 2010, at 15:18:30
Sassy, thank you so much. I'd love to read your poem. I have one of my own. Maybe we could exchange? I don't mind here--or babblemail. Of course, I respect your privacy.
Yes, I guess I am going through a 'bad patch' with it all. Years of not feeling the feelings (still dysfunctional as heck, but only dysthymic). Now, the feelings are
incredibly intrusive. I'm told this is progress. Guess it's true.How are you doing with it?
Thanks Sassy!
fb
Posted by antigua3 on March 2, 2010, at 18:15:03
In reply to Re: thanks all :) » sassyfrancesca, posted by floatingbridge on March 2, 2010, at 17:23:09
It is progress--big progress to feel these things. But it's so incredibly painful and I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Where's my magic wand?
antigua
Posted by floatingbridge on March 2, 2010, at 19:46:32
In reply to Re: thanks all :) » floatingbridge, posted by antigua3 on March 2, 2010, at 18:15:03
Maybe it's wherever I left my faery dust...
This is the end of the thread.
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