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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by friesandcoke on July 19, 2009, at 10:40:23
The T I lost a year ago was psychologically to me, a surrogate mother and a surrogate family member. She kept boundaries and there was nothing between us outside of the therapy sessions but to me on the inside that is a place in my life and my heart that she filled. I don't have those people in my life. A mother or family member that is my best friend or confidant. Even a cheerleader. Someone who cares about me doing well and is happy when something good happens. I can't tell you how much I miss that. There is a huge void in my life. I posted something else here to the same thing kind of as this but wanted to start a new thread about when your T is more than just a T to you. I used to refer to my T as the family I never had. She was the family I didn't have. A family of one, wrapped up in her. She gave me the support and love a family would have. I am turning to religion to fill the void but it isn't helping. I loved having someone in person who loved her. She never told me she loved me but I could feel it. I felt special to her but not overly special. Not in some kooky way. When I say special, I mean special enough that she cared about me. Having that absence is really painful. And in my case it has been a year. I did post that she referred me to a replacement who was a disaster..at least for me. She had hand picked the replacement. After a year of listening to the replacement talk about her personal crisis and her taking off absurd amounts of time with no one filling in for her because of her crisis, I fired her. She was not fulfilling any kind of role in my life that I needed in her. I had spoken to her about how the role (relationship) between client and therapist is therapeutic and to me the most important thing. And that was what I had in my old T. I don't even like to call her my old T because she was a mother figure. I "interviewed" a couple of T's after firing the replacement therapist hand picked for me and they were younger than me and clueless about what I was talking about. I could tell just by interacting with them. My real mother was/is a very abusive person who could not bond with her children (me and my siblings). She has some kind of disorder preventing her from doing so and was not a mother in any sence of the word. When I went to a new T to check her out, she said "those were battle wounds your mother had from being in an abusive relationship with your father". My mother may have had battle wounds from being in an abusive relationship with my father but it wasn't "battle wounds" that kept her from being a mother. She had some serious psychological problems. Being so misunderstood and having a very serious issue, my mother's inability to love us described in such simple terms by a T was so disheartening and I knew right there she was not for me. My old T knew and understood my mother had very serious problems of her own. I am rambling here but the thread is/was supposed to be when your T becomes more than "just a T" to you. Any comments you want to make on the subject would be most appreciated. Thanks. ps I am embarrased that i love my T this much and miss her painfully after all this time.
Posted by emilyp on July 19, 2009, at 11:37:26
In reply to when your T becomes more than a T, posted by friesandcoke on July 19, 2009, at 10:40:23
I understand the pain you feel losing your therapist. It is a very hard relationship to replace, especially if you have been seeing someone for so long. And it does sound like the replacement was not ideal. But the second therapist- the one you handpicked may just not have had the history and background with you when she made the comments about your mother. Think about the amount of time that it took for your original therapist to really understand you, your family, your history and your issues.
I understand the role that your original therapist played in your life. I started in therapy about 13 years ago. Originally, I had a therapist and a psychiatrist. I only saw the psychiatrist every 4 to 8 weeks for medication; I was much closer to the therapist. Then after several years, one day the therapist wound up in the emergency ward and I never saw her again. It was not even a retirement but an abrupt and unplanned termination.
I started seeing my psychiatrist more often (as initially we did not know what was going to happen to the therapist). I never, in a million years, thought that I would have any meaningful relationship with him. It would never be like the relationship with therapist. He is very different from her. He did not see my life the same way the therapist did. And he has never been as available as she was. His lack of availability (he is a well-known psychiatrist in Illinois) was really hard to adjust to. It took me quite awhile for me to accept that even though he is not as available he still cares for me.
But despite the differences compared to my original therapist he brought something else to the table. He helped me see the world in ways that I had not seen before. He has since become both my psychiatrist and my therapist. I now have a very deep relationship with him. It is not exactly the same as what I had with her but in its own way, it is just as special.
I only tell you all this to remind you that relationships with anyone therapists or those on the outside usually take time. Furthermore, hopefully each relationship brings something unique and special to your life. You dont want every relationship to be completely the same.
Your second therapist may not be the perfect fit, but perhaps give it a try. Go into the relationship thinking she cannot replace your old therapist (anyway do you really want to replace that relationship and lose the specialness of what you had.) But instead, she can add something new and hopefully also special to your life.
Posted by LibraryGirl on July 21, 2009, at 9:02:07
In reply to Re: when your T becomes more than a T, posted by emilyp on July 19, 2009, at 11:37:26
I know how you feel. My first T was like that; I was a graduate student and she was a social worker at the counseling center on campus. I saw her for two years. We gave each other gifts, hugs, she'd email me, call me on breaks. She'd urge me to get rest, or do my homework, or eat. Our sessions were hard though; I couldn't talk in sessions which drove her nuts, we'd say things to hurt each other on purpose. It was a love-hate struggle. Finally she said she couldn't see me anymore. It's been four years and I still miss her, hate her, and everything in between. I do have another T but the relationship is different. You'll probably never find another T who will replace your former one. The best you can hope for is someone you feel comfortable with and someone you feel understands you. I also find it's best not to judge a T after one or two sessions, and not to compare them to the former one (hard, I know). Your former T knew a lot about you and that took time to build; a new T can't be expected to know the same things your former T knew without the time to get to know you. I know it hurts and I'm sorry. Good luck and take care.
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