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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by FindingMyDesire on March 15, 2009, at 10:27:36
Hi all,
I announced a new photography project to friends and asked them to spread the word. It's a specific type of portrait project that is close to my heart. And people are responding! They are asking to be photographed and they are into it. That's what I really, really hoped for - so what is my problem? I'm excited. Connecting with people around this means so much to me. And that feels so dangerous.
Yesterday I had another photo session - my second for this thing. It was sooo much fun. Then I came home and felt lost. And I felt lost about feeling lost. I had a very strong urge to call my father and tell him all about it and get his support. Hm. He's dead. Plus, he is the very person who would have criticized me or hurt me in some way. I felt so stupid for feeling lost and scared I didn't feel like I could call a friend. How would that go? "Oh, hi. My project has really taken off like I wanted so now I'm shutting down and thinking of throwing the whole thing out."
Luckily, I called my T instead and left a message. I know what she will say if she calls back. Something about having compassion for myself. That this is vulnerable for me and exciting and so it makes sense that it would feel hard. She would also say she is excited for me and she looks forward to hearing more about it. That would mean a lot. Maybe she would say something about staying connected to myself too.
Hm. Maybe I don't even need her to call me! HAHA
FMD
Posted by Therapy Girl on March 15, 2009, at 12:43:42
In reply to Trying to hold on to my creativity, posted by FindingMyDesire on March 15, 2009, at 10:27:36
Good for you, FMD. And it sounds likie you're internalizing your T just fine. I'm still struggling with this piece.
Please keep us posted on how it's going.
((((((((FMD)))))))))
Posted by Phillipa on March 15, 2009, at 13:14:18
In reply to Re: Trying to hold on to my creativity » FindingMyDesire, posted by Therapy Girl on March 15, 2009, at 12:43:42
Geez you guys are so lucky envious as so many tries at finding T's and never works out and money low so paying many times can't do. Oh I hope new endo works out remember they can be cold. Just do their stuff. usually for me anyway first appointment is good and they seem compassionate. Love Phillipa
Posted by DAisym on March 15, 2009, at 13:19:28
In reply to Trying to hold on to my creativity, posted by FindingMyDesire on March 15, 2009, at 10:27:36
I can relate to that whole "it is working out well so now I want to run away feeling." I think for some of us, our creativity was a piece that we knew was "us" - no one could take it or change it but it was hugely vulnerable to shame. I live with a loud, "who do you think you are that you think you might be good at writing?" voice.
My whole life I've wanted to be a writer. I love words and books and seeing how you can paint a picture in someone's mind with the right sentence choices. I've also been told my whole life that this was a stupid dream, "you'll starve to death" etc. etc. I majored in Journalism in college, only to hear "great, you'll be a waitress with a degree," and went to work in advertising out of college. I was a copy writer - writing but not doing the kind of writing I wanted to do. Eventually I switched careers into human services and writing now is mostly journaling, poetry and grants. But guess what? I do a pretty good job with those grants - because I know how to tell a story with words. (Guess who I'm talking to here?!) But I still long to be a "real" writer - to take the risk you are taking and follow my creative passion. I envy your courage.
I think you are offering a core piece of yourself in this project and wanting to shut down is wanting to protect yourself. It does make sense but I think you have to fight and fight and fight that voice. Listen to your friends and keep reading what you wrote about "people are asking to be photographed and they are into it." You aren't so powerful that you can force them to do something they don't want. Believe your eyes and your experience. Don't throw it out.
I'm glad you called your therapist. It made me smile to read what you wrote about knowing what she would say - you sound like me. I often tell my therapist that there is no reason to call him, I can already hear him in my head. He usually responds, "I think it has a lot more to do with hearing it and connecting, than it does with what I actually say." He is right.
So keep at it. And maybe, with your example, I'll actually write something for publication one day.
Posted by backseatdriver on March 16, 2009, at 9:07:22
In reply to Re: Trying to hold on to my creativity, posted by DAisym on March 15, 2009, at 13:19:28
Daisy, your post reminded me of a book by Rollo May called "The Courage to Create", where he makes the point that creativity is difficult because it means fighting the gods for fire. But that's what gods are there for. And fire, too. Good luck with your work! It is worth fighting for.
BSD
This is the end of the thread.
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