![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by catlady on March 11, 2009, at 20:52:33
I was just wondering if anyone else's parents don't say they are proud of them? I have been working very hard at losing weight and lost 6.5 pounds this week for a total of 11 pounds. I was so happy. My doctor said he was proud of me. I told a friend, she said she was proud of me. Then I called my mom and told her. She said her usual good for you, congratulations. I asked her aren't you proud of me? She couldn't say 5 simple words. "I am proud of you." Then she says I will be happier if you lost more. Then I get to hear how well my brother is doing. I hung up with her. Now I am feeling depressed. I keep thinking of all the times I wished she would have said those words, like when I graduated from college, when I made the Dean's list, when I used to make the honor roll etc. I don't know why I keep trying to get her approval, because I never get it. So I was wondering if anyone elses parents are like this.
Posted by Dinah on March 11, 2009, at 21:14:08
In reply to seeking parent's approval., posted by catlady on March 11, 2009, at 20:52:33
> Then she says I will be happier if you lost more.
Until this line, I was going to say that it didn't necessarily mean she wasn't proud of you. My father not only didn't tell me he was proud of me, but he'd also tease me about my accomplishments. Something along the lines of "Well, don't embarrass me by tripping on the stairs as you go to accept your award." I later found out he bragged about me to others. But he wouldn't dream of saying those things to my face.
My mother was always proud of me. Literally. She saw my actions as being something that *she* should be proud or ashamed of.
They always taught us as Montessori parents to never say "I'm proud of you." but to always focus on the child being proud of themselves. I can't say I remember that as often as I maybe should.
But saying she would have liked to see you lose more goes beyond not expressing pride in you, or not wanting to be proud of something that *you* did and wanting you to hold that pride as your own. It's a bit undermining.
It doesn't matter what she says or doesn't say though. Your mother is being your mother. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you, or your ability to generate pride. It has to do with her. So maybe even if you Mom isn't a Montessori mom, now is a good time to practice being a Montessori kid?
You have worked very hard, and lost 11 pounds. That's really something to be proud of, and I hope you feel appropriately proud of yourself.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on March 12, 2009, at 8:48:37
In reply to seeking parent's approval., posted by catlady on March 11, 2009, at 20:52:33
Unfortunately some people for whatever reason (perhaps jealousy) don't want to acknowledge others' triumphs.
It is sad when it is a parent, because we expect our parents to celebrate us.
I grew up physically and verbally abused, so obviously there were no pats on the back then, LOl, LOL
My mother now (amazingly and I am 62), says she is proud of me and that i am "smart." Wow....I went back to school and won a scholarship; it was easy all I had to do was write about my life.
With no one's help, I joined the army right out of high school (very poor), and have been moving forward ever since; have a poetry site with over 15,600 hits, am the moderator of an abused survivors' group, etc., etc.....divorced after 31` years of abuse....etc.
i say all of this to say that if we count on others (even tho we should be able to) we may disappointed, so we have to keep moving forward to make our lives better and the way WE want it. I know it is disappointing to not be celebrated......so you will have to celebrate your little victories....buy a lovey soap, perfume, candles, whatever makes YOU good.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by wittgensteinz on March 12, 2009, at 12:10:09
In reply to seeking parent's approval., posted by catlady on March 11, 2009, at 20:52:33
I'm sorry your mum said that to you - how hurtful. You have reason to be proud. What you have achieved must have taken considerable stamina and perseverence.
The part you wrote about being compared to another sibling struck home with me. It seemed that no matter what I did, my brother always had the lime-light - he was always 'first' and always the one I was compared unfavourably to. The day I got my high school final exam results (and I got the best in the school and had my photo taken for the local paper) they were busy taking my brother to the airport because he was going on holiday with his friend so I had to get the bus home. She handed me some money for the bus fare and told me to return a skirt she'd bought to a store. My mum did give me a card saying 'congratulations' but when she saw from the change that I'd taken the more expensive bus route instead of walking to the other bus stop she hit the roof about how selfish I was (this was over a few cents).
Nowadays, when I speak to her on the phone, she has on occasion said "I'm sooo proud of you" but I don't understand what she means by it - I don't for a moment think it is sincere. It makes me very uncomfortable and suspicious. In fact if anyone says anything to me along those lines, I don't trust they mean it.
I suppose I mean to say - what would it add if your mother would say that? Would you believe her or would you think "I bet she really compares me to my brother... or I bet she really thinks I should lose more weight". The idea of making yourself proud is an important one. In the end, it's your life and you're living it. You own your own accomplishments. I think it is possible to let go of this desire to get what you can't get from your mother. It's hard but possible. I wanted my mother to love me - to see me as something good - it's still something that drives me but somewhere ultimately I know that that desire is unreachable. It helped me to read books that characterised the relationship I had with her and talking about it in therapy.
Witti
Posted by Phillipa on March 12, 2009, at 12:54:18
In reply to Re: seeking parent's approval., posted by Dinah on March 11, 2009, at 21:14:08
Dinah not hyjacking I hope but this is a few times you're mentioned Montessori what is meant by that? Now on topic there is no one to criticise me or weight I do wish had someone to tell triumphs and failures to. Love Phillipa
Posted by fleeting flutterby on March 12, 2009, at 13:15:01
In reply to seeking parent's approval., posted by catlady on March 11, 2009, at 20:52:33
Yes, my mom will never say those words either. I'm sorry yours is the same. It hurts and feels kind of empty inside.
My current T. steered me towards a book : Healing the daughters of Narcissistic Mothers; Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
It's a book written by a psychologist that was also raised by a narcissistic mother. It's so spot on for me concerning A LOT OF THINGS!! maybe it could help you too?....I think Sassy is right about finding pride in our own selves and celebrating it that way, if our own parents won't.
I say-- Cheers to you in losing weight!! Keep up the great work! I think I can speak for others in saying that Psychobabble is proud of you! :o)
flutterby-mandy
Posted by Sigismund on March 12, 2009, at 16:19:40
In reply to seeking parent's approval., posted by catlady on March 11, 2009, at 20:52:33
>So I was wondering if anyone elses parents are like this.
Of course.
Somehow, you have to accept that your parents will never love you in the way you want.
If you can do that, if you can give up, things might improve.
It happened to me, but it didn't happen easily or without pain.
Posted by seldomseen on March 12, 2009, at 17:12:51
In reply to Re: seeking parent's approval. » catlady, posted by Sigismund on March 12, 2009, at 16:19:40
Sigi is offering some good advice. I had to let my parents "go" as well.
If they don't get it by now, they most likely never will.
I'm sorry for your pain, but congrats on your accomplishment!
Seldom.
Posted by Sigismund on March 12, 2009, at 20:09:20
In reply to seeking parent's approval., posted by catlady on March 11, 2009, at 20:52:33
You are sharing an irritation and a conflict over a form of approval. At that point, that is you and your mother, what you have together.
I used to go home and my mother would give me chapter and verse about all the achievements of her friends' children, which I was fairly stoical about, because by the end of the evening I felt like I needed a general anaesthetic with a high opiate component.
It is not impossible in the future that you both might wish to be friends, where nothing much matters, except the fact that you are alive to talk to each other.
My kids have kind of grown up now. As long as they don't disapprove of me too much I find it easy to think they are pretty good too, under most circumstances. We're just passing through. Earth is a lovely place to visit, but you wouldn't want to stay there forever.
Posted by obsidian on March 13, 2009, at 20:53:39
In reply to seeking parent's approval., posted by catlady on March 11, 2009, at 20:52:33
I wanted to just say Congratulations!!
I don't know what that limitation is about. It's sad though, sad that she's not capable of being a bit generous, a bit warm.
My mother has these subtle and destructive ways of undermining my self esteem, makes me feel like a non-person.
Hope you're feeling ok,
sid
Posted by obsidian on March 13, 2009, at 20:57:47
In reply to Re: seeking parent's approval. » catlady, posted by wittgensteinz on March 12, 2009, at 12:10:09
god witti,
I'm angry about what your mom did. geez, how cold. I'll never understand how some people can be so oblivious..
-sid
Posted by obsidian on March 13, 2009, at 21:07:02
In reply to seeking parent's approval., posted by catlady on March 11, 2009, at 20:52:33
this reminded me of something...I was scanning my brain for some of the idiotic things my parents have said, and I'll share something said to my sister:
She was a teenager, 18, and she got pregnant. Giving the child up for adoption being the only decision my mother would support, my sister went off to live with some nuns for a while, eventually had the baby and in heart wrenching fashion gave the child up. My father came to see her shortly after the birth and said "I hope you're going to lose that weight."
sid shakes head...heaven only knows
Posted by wittgensteinz on March 14, 2009, at 5:09:34
In reply to Re: seeking parent's approval., posted by obsidian on March 13, 2009, at 21:07:02
Sid, that's awful. I don't know what to say. How insensitive can a person be?
It is hard breaking free of our parents - we internalise them and they continue to chip in their views here and there, even when they're no longer alive (mine are both alive). I think it is possible to break away though - it's about giving up hope for something they just are incapable of. It's very painful but at the end it sets us free.
Witti
Posted by DarkStarEtc on April 4, 2009, at 5:31:33
In reply to Re: seeking parent's approval., posted by obsidian on March 13, 2009, at 21:07:02
That is terrible- how can parents be so unfeeling?! Your poor sister.
Ds.Etc
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.