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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Little Soul on January 5, 2009, at 22:20:11
There is so much going on on the board right now I hesitate to post another entry. I want to respond to posts, yet don't have the wherewithall right now. Please forgive me, I know I'll be in a better place, hopefully soon. But right now, I am trying to wrap my mind around what happened to me this weekend.
A little background...I have three emergency numbers (friends) who said I could call if I couldn't get ahold of t. I don't know if it was a full moon this weekend, but all three told me in so many words that they need to be taken off the list. Friend #1 said that my emotions during a melt down were too much responsibility for her and she wanted me to go to an Al-Anon (drinking not a problem for me or family) meeting. She said there are all kinds of people there dealing with all kinds of problems and that I could get a sponsor to talk to - yeesh.
Okay, next friend said that she was unsure she was helping me and that she needed to set more boundaries especially when it came to calling her late at night. She origininally gave me permission to call at "any time of night". Later in the conversation, I told I'd take her up on her offer of a weekend visit since the airfares are really cheap now. To that, she said that her son (5 years old) is very sensitive to negativity and depression and she didn't want him around me if I was down. I said I'd postpone since I could not predict how I'd be feeling.
Lastly, friend #3 flat out said she has done all she could and asked to be taken off the list.
My friends have been on my emergency list for about two years. I only call when it's really an emergency and my husband is traveling for business. As far as my daughter goes, I work really hard to keep the boundaries of our mother/daughter relationship appropriate. She is 30 and a clinical social worker, so it's tempting to "tell all" since she's very good and invites me to talk. But I feel strongly about maintaining those relationship boundaries.
So I'm wondering what am I doing wrong? Why now? Is it me? It must be, for three people to say no more. Geeze, I'm feeling hurt and confused and frustrated because these are very good friends. What could I have done to see this coming? Did I not read their signals right? I'm working really hard in therapy and am making progress, but should I be all better in 2 years? Maybe I should be...I donno.
Thanks for letting me rant on here.
So...I'm wondering, who you call in the dark wee hours of the night?
Little Soul
Posted by fleeting flutterby on January 5, 2009, at 22:56:34
In reply to Who do you call at 2 a.m.?, posted by Little Soul on January 5, 2009, at 22:20:11
oh dear, I'm sorry this happened to you.
ummmmm... as far as who I would call?.... no one. I haven't a single friend IRL...(have always had HUGE trust issues since a child- don't feel I could trust others with my feelings) so I sometimes would email my former T. at 2 or 3am. that way i didn't feel I was bothering anyone and yet I got my thoughts out when I needed to.... and he would answer back when the time was good for him.
I'm a bit different than most females-- I learned, like boys usually do-- to NOT depend on anyone(from a wee little age).... and to take care of myself and stuff the emotions away..... probably not much help to you-- but -- just wanted you to know where I am coming from.....
do you think writing or emailing would be of some comfort to you? that way you could get out your feelings/thoughts and have someone go over it with you on their own time..... just an idea.
please take care,
flutterby-mandy
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 6, 2009, at 6:50:58
In reply to Who do you call at 2 a.m.?, posted by Little Soul on January 5, 2009, at 22:20:11
I too, don't have anyone to call in the middle of the night.
I'm married, yet I don't think I have ever woken up my spouse during my worst times.
Trust issues? Or is it that I don't think I'm worth the trouble? (Oh, that would be door #2!) I move myself to the guest room to as not to wake the husband up with my tears or tossing and turning, and do my crying there. Then I write stuff out longhand, that seems to get some of my poison out.
But I don't call anyone, nope.
Posted by fayeroe on January 6, 2009, at 10:50:17
In reply to Re: Who do you call at 2 a.m.?, posted by Partlycloudy on January 6, 2009, at 6:50:58
I am terribly sorry that you've found yourself in this situation. I don't know what to think about your three "call buddies". I wonder who they turn to? I know how much it hurts when you wake up and think "what now?"....
Does your husband travel alot?I really respect the fact that you have filters and boundaries with your daughter. Some mothers wouldn't be that self-aware of her daughter's need to "no know". It worries our children terribly when we talk. At least it does mine and I keep it to the bare minimum.
I am proud of you for reaching out here. I want you to continue and not worry at all about doing so!
I have no one to call at 2 a.m. I stand outside in my yard and look around and just "be".
My best friend of 35 years told me that she didn't want to be with me as my depression was getting worse and she wanted to live, live, live. I was with her through three divorces (two abusive husbands), picking up boys in dives on Lee Street,(I did NOT go to the dives..:-) ) three bankruptcies (after men drained her dry), the deaths of her parents, the divorce of her daughter, STDs and kept her from committing suicide once. Hell, that would depress anyone, right? :-) I see now how all this happened. Didn't thought that one through.
I stuff it and we three know how horribly bad that is. I do have someone, another state, that I will call about twice a year and talk.And I trust her with my life. But as for someone who is nearby and I trust. Nope.
As a female, I hardly trust anyone. Women or men. I am fortunate enough to have made friends here that I trust. We're all in the same boat and that does loosen up trust issues.
I email two friends and we wander around in the wilderness together.
???? ;-(
After reading this over, I must tell you that a male friend of six years, has been opening up to me and I am feeling that we're beginning to depend upon one another more. We've been friends since we worked in "juvie" together. Something about working with those kids caused us to become close pretty fast. {watching your back} He called me to tell me that he is on Zoloft due to his obsessive behavior after he leaves work. (did i turn computer off, etc. ) And we are totally sharing about our families.
I think that I could call him at 2:a.m. I wouldn't do it more than once a year, but heck! I feel better. :-)
Posted by pegasus on January 6, 2009, at 10:54:18
In reply to Re: Who do you call at 2 a.m.?, posted by Partlycloudy on January 6, 2009, at 6:50:58
Yeah, I have to agree with the others: I don't call anyone in the middle of the night. I have some very dear friends, who have been incredibly supportive in all kinds of situations. But I wouldn't ask them to take a phone call from me in the middle of the night. The one exception might be if I needed to notify someone of a death, or other urgent crisis, and it couldn't reasonably wait until morning.
Partly this is my issue with not thinking anyone would want to help me, and that any contact from me is by definition bothersome. And partly it's knowing how I'd feel if someone called me in the middle of the night wanting to talk. No one ever has, though.
If it would be unhelpful for you to hear about someone having negative feelings about helping you, then please don't read this paragraph. I'm including it because you asked what you might be doing wrong, and I think you were sincere in wanting to know. This is how I would feel if a friend called me in crisis to talk in the middle of the night: Of course, I'd want to help, and I'd feel glad if our conversation seemed to be helping. I would also be aware of the precious sleep I was missing, and how tired I'd feel the next day, and I'd be worried about waking my family. If it was only once every few months, and the person seemed appropriately appreciative of my taking a hard call in the middle of the night, then I'd be glad to make that sacrifice in order to help. If it happened a lot (e.g., so I was getting really stressed by it, or losing a lot of sleep), and/or my friend didn't seem concerned/aware of the impact on me or my family, then I'd start to resent it. Maybe that shows that I'm not such a great friend (maybe that's why one one has ever called me in the night?).
I thought the other posters had some great ideas for alternative ways to process things in the middle of the night at the worst of times. I have used writing a lot at those times, myself. Sometimes I email my writing to a T or friend. Sometimes I just revise and revise it until I have it *exactly* right, which somehow seems to put my mind more at ease.
Peg
Posted by Phillipa on January 6, 2009, at 13:11:37
In reply to Re: Who do you call at 2 a.m.?, posted by pegasus on January 6, 2009, at 10:54:18
No one for me either no IRL friends and husband won't wakeup yells to go back to sleep I'm disturbing him. Makes me very sad. Love Phillipa same during the day no one to talk to about fears.
Posted by Dinah on January 6, 2009, at 13:50:42
In reply to Who do you call at 2 a.m.?, posted by Little Soul on January 5, 2009, at 22:20:11
I wake up my husband on occasion. But even he gets grumpy with me.
The board can be great at times. It can't be relied on because there's no telling when people will be around. But there are people from all sorts of time zones here, and people who might also be battling insomnia, and sometimes it is possible to find someone around at two a.m.
In a pinch I could call my therapist. I accidentally called him once at midnight, or rather my cell phone did. I was nowhere near it. He didn't mind, although he definitely would if I did it often.
Can you plan some self soothing strategies for when no one's around? As helpful as other people can be, and as much as we were meant to be an interdependent species, in the end we all have to be able to rely on ourselves sometimes and try to give ourselves the tools to let us help ourselves.
I find repetitive tasks that take my attention but not my thought are very soothing to me. I play bubbles on my phone all night sometimes. Other people might do needlework.
Do you have any meds to help? I take Risperdal as needed when I'm very agitated.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on January 6, 2009, at 15:46:38
In reply to Re: Who do you call at 2 a.m.? » Little Soul, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2009, at 13:50:42
This is all so sad......You can all call me....e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com
I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group, and talk to people on the phone; one woman called me at 1 a.m.; we talked until after 3.....good thing I have such energy and stamina.
I'd be honored to talk to any of you....i survived a childhood of abuse and 31 years of abusive marriage, and then church abuse (www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com)......no one understands like a wounded person)
Love and Hugs, Sassy
and...Happy New Year!
Posted by fleeting flutterby on January 6, 2009, at 17:05:50
In reply to Re: Who do you call at 2 a.m.? » Little Soul, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2009, at 13:50:42
Oh yea, Dinah reminded me--
I do puzzles, in addition to emails-- like jigsaw puzzles, and also "sudoku".... I LOVE sudoku!! it gets my mind from things and calms me sometimes....just thought I'd share a few more possible "tools" for your tool box :o)
flutterby-mandy
Posted by fayeroe on January 6, 2009, at 17:08:30
In reply to Re: You can ALL...call me, posted by sassyfrancesca on January 6, 2009, at 15:46:38
> This is all so sad......You can all call me....e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com
>
> I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group, and talk to people on the phone; one woman called me at 1 a.m.; we talked until after 3.....good thing I have such energy and stamina.
>
> I'd be honored to talk to any of you....i survived a childhood of abuse and 31 years of abusive marriage, and then church abuse (www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com)......no one understands like a wounded person)
>
> Love and Hugs, Sassy
>
> and...Happy New Year!You must have a whole galaxy of stars in the sky! What a generous offer and I know it comes from the heart. I'm going to check out the church site. Nothing stirs me up like abuse from a religous organization.
Thank you for your generosity!
xoxPat
>
Posted by fayeroe on January 6, 2009, at 17:10:07
In reply to Re: Who do you call at 2 a.m.? » Dinah, posted by fleeting flutterby on January 6, 2009, at 17:05:50
> Oh yea, Dinah reminded me--
> I do puzzles, in addition to emails-- like jigsaw puzzles, and also "sudoku".... I LOVE sudoku!! it gets my mind from things and calms me sometimes....
>
> just thought I'd share a few more possible "tools" for your tool box :o)
>
> flutterby-mandy1. sometimes i can read.
2. jigzone.com
3. freecell
4. music
5. cry (you don't have to use this one..:-)
6. pet my little dog, it soothes me.
Posted by fleeting flutterby on January 6, 2009, at 17:10:38
In reply to Re: You can ALL...call me, posted by sassyfrancesca on January 6, 2009, at 15:46:38
You are such a sweetheart- Sassy.
not sure I will partake though,(not anything against you of course) as I sure wouldn't want to be a burden and I worry that revealing things could lead to my demise--
like it did when I was little. :o(flutterby-mandy
Posted by Maria01 on January 7, 2009, at 0:06:03
In reply to Who do you call at 2 a.m.?, posted by Little Soul on January 5, 2009, at 22:20:11
Nope. All my IRL friends and I are in really stressful occupations, so when night falls, that's it. The only time we would call one another during the night would be to check up on one another in case of disaster(provided land/cell service were available) or if there was an accident or death( a couple of us have listed one another as the person to be notified in case of emergency). Other than that, things can wait til morning. We care about one another, but we do have our limits.
Posted by Little Soul on January 7, 2009, at 22:29:11
In reply to Re: Who do you call at 2 a.m.? » Little Soul, posted by Maria01 on January 7, 2009, at 0:06:03
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the many responses and the variety of self-soothing tips. I too, find it sad that there are many of us who do not have someone, or some two, to turn to during our times of dispair. My husband tries but he isn't much of a talker and so our conversations are limited. Plus, he gets sleepy easily so even when he's not traveling our time together is limited.
I am sinking deeper and deeper into a bad place again, haven't been there in a couple of months. Your suggestions about writing, puzzles, music, etc. I suspect are all going to come in handy. I've been keeping journals since starting therapy, but haven't been movitated to do much writing lately or much of anything lately 'cept lay on the couch. My pdoc recommended a day treatment program so I'm going to give that a try tomorrow.
I haven't worked this past year, have my own business helping organizations manage change, go figure. I feel badly that I'm not contributing to the house economics, but just can't sustain a business now with clients and their issues.
So thanks again for the feedback, empathy, personal experiences, and suggestions. I'm really finding this board full of compassionate, understanding people and for that I'm greatful.
And sassyfrancesca, I will take you up on your offer. And I promise not to abuse your generosity.
Hugs,
LS
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