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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by raisinb on December 11, 2008, at 19:30:31
"dude, I think you're too pregnant!"
Isn't that a terrible thing to say? It was just my knee jerk response, thinking of how weird it would be to hug her when she is so pregnant. It just came out before I could think about it. She has never offered me a hug before and she was so sweet about it. But I think it also scared me. Jeez, that has to go down in history as one of the worst comments in therapy :)
Posted by backseatdriver on December 11, 2008, at 20:26:48
In reply to so my therapist offers me a hug and I say..., posted by raisinb on December 11, 2008, at 19:30:31
wow, raisin! that's awesome, actually, that you were able to be so frank and open. good for you!
bsd
Posted by rskontos on December 11, 2008, at 21:07:07
In reply to so my therapist offers me a hug and I say..., posted by raisinb on December 11, 2008, at 19:30:31
raisinb,
I would have reacted the same. my t nevers comes close to me, he knows it would freak me out. thank god.
don't feel bad. I am sure she understands.
rsk
Posted by raisinb on December 12, 2008, at 9:45:49
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say..., posted by backseatdriver on December 11, 2008, at 20:26:48
Thank you! I have never had a problem saying negative things to her...fortunately or unfortunately :)
Posted by raisinb on December 12, 2008, at 9:47:19
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say... » raisinb, posted by rskontos on December 11, 2008, at 21:07:07
Thank you, rsk :) In a way I don't understand myself since I have been longing for a hug/touch from her for three years. But in the moment when I was processing something difficult and it came out of nowhere I think I felt like a deer in the headlights. Because it is such a big deal I feel like it should have more discussion or something. But I am often scared of actually getting things I really want.
Posted by LibraryGirl on December 12, 2008, at 10:04:34
In reply to so my therapist offers me a hug and I say..., posted by raisinb on December 11, 2008, at 19:30:31
Wow, lol, what a response, but a totally honest one, and that's never a bad thing.
May I ask what her response was to your response? I'm just curious... Have you talked about it further?
My former T (my first T) started giving me hugs after about six months with her. Another past T I had had very strict boundaries, no touching, no hugging, no personal info, etc., and she was such a distant personality (and maybe I relied on that with her, to stay that way) that if she did offer a hug I think I'd run from the room. My current T offers hugs regularly, after every session; I've only been with her for a month and she's done it from the first time I've seen her. She hugs other clients too, which sort of unnerves me when I see it, but ah well.
Posted by rskontos on December 12, 2008, at 10:30:43
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say... » rskontos, posted by raisinb on December 12, 2008, at 9:47:19
>>But I am often scared of actually getting things I really want.>>
So true and so sad, isn't it.
To long for such a thing, a simple hug, and then when it comes, to be so unprepared. You'd think she would have realized it but then again, T's are human and she is pregnant so she might not have all her marbles in place. I know I certainly did not.
Maybe you can try and talk to her about your longing and then how it felt when the moment arrived and how scared you got.
Then how you can try to get ready and receive it.((((((raisinb)))))))
rsk
Posted by raisinb on December 12, 2008, at 11:41:51
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say... » raisinb, posted by LibraryGirl on December 12, 2008, at 10:04:34
Hi LG--
She just laughed and said, "Okay." We were in the middle of me processing a breakup that is very difficult for me. She was upset for me and trying to offer comfort.The thing is, though, we have only had a relationship that is good enough to get to moments like that for about six months. Before that (I have been with her 3 and a half years) we had an intense, conflict-filled relationship. I had a lot of anger I threw at her. I was also strongly sexually attracted to her for a lot of that time. I had immense trouble trusting her and said a lot of terrible things. She made some mistakes with me, too. I quit a couple of times but I never could stay away totally because my feelings and the issues I was working through were so intense. And of course I longed for her to hug me and things like that, but I understand why she didn't offer it during that time--it might have become more harmful than good.
So in the last six months--for reasons I understand sort of, but am still figuring out--our relationship has transformed. We still have very tough moments--when I withdraw, won't talk to her, she misreads me, says the wrong thing, etc. But we usually work through it in a session or less. And the terrible fights are over. It is confusing and sometimes it seems like there was a magic wand waved somewhere, but I know what happened was we both changed--me mostly, but my changes caused ripples in our relationship.
I guess I am getting to the point where I have a therapy success story. It still isn't sinking in and doesn't seem real. I could never have predicted that our relationship could have become this stable and wonderful or how much--or in what ways--I have changed. There are still hard things and a lot of things I need to work on. And I don't see ending things any time soon!
That was a long answer to your question! But thanks, it was helpful to me to write it out. Because the hug offer had all that context behind it, and that's why it was hard for me to accept without thinking about it.
Not to mention her pregnancy, which is hard for me in so many ways, and a hug would force me to confront it very directly.
Posted by raisinb on December 12, 2008, at 11:42:54
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say... » raisinb, posted by rskontos on December 12, 2008, at 10:30:43
Yes, I think she understood, because she said, "I really want to give you a hug, but I don't know if that would be a good thing?" kind of asking for my feedback. My response just sort of tumbled out.
It is just such a big deal, and there are so many complications.
Posted by Nadezda on December 12, 2008, at 12:12:28
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say... » rskontos, posted by raisinb on December 12, 2008, at 11:42:54
Raisinb, you made me laugh! what a reaction! I can see why your T laughed. in a way I would be flattered that you were so honest-- and your response wasn't hostile, at all-- but put, in no uncertain terms, at the same time!
I expect she'll understand, and probably be quite interested in what led you to feel uncomfortable hugging her. It was definitely a question-- and she may herself have had some uncertainty if it was a good idea. it's great that you could tell her exactly how you felt-- much better than biting your tongue and hugging her if you weren't ready.
And you're right-- her being pregnant is a huge issue. Not to be overlooked, so to speak.
So while it was a bit, oh, foot-in-mouthish, it was really quite a real response-- and in that sense, absolutely what you should have said. Perhaps in the best of all possible worlds, you would have reframed it, and been very tactful-- but .... well...we're not in that world, where most of us would say everything quite differently-- or never get around to saying anything.
How do you feel about it, after having had a day to think?
Nadezda
Posted by raisinb on December 12, 2008, at 12:44:12
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say... » raisinb, posted by Nadezda on December 12, 2008, at 12:12:28
Thank you, Nadezda--you made me feel better about it :)
How do I feel? Sad that I didn't get my hug, even though it was my own fault! It is easier to turn down things when I'm in there and feel so "held" in other ways. But I do think it is something that needs a lot more discussion--not when we are in the middle of another consuming topic. And the actual hug will probably--if it happens--need to wait until she's back from maternity leave.
Posted by muffled on December 12, 2008, at 12:55:13
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say... » LibraryGirl, posted by raisinb on December 12, 2008, at 11:41:51
:-) RaisinB you sure made me SMILE!!!!
"Dude your too pregnant"!!!!
"and a hug would force me to confront it very directly. "Very directly INDEED!!! LOL! Kinda hard to avoid The Belly :-)
LOVE it!
You must be a great client, I think T's like it when we honest. And I glad you can be.
Yup definately a VERY good T success story!
Hope you don't mind my smiles, I laff with you, and also in pure delight at this good things happening for you.
Muffled
Posted by raisinb on December 12, 2008, at 13:15:41
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say..., posted by muffled on December 12, 2008, at 12:55:13
Muffled--
Of course I don't mind :) It IS pretty funny!Your post made me smile a lot, too--thank you for being so awesomely sweet :)
Posted by Phillipa on December 12, 2008, at 14:26:44
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say... » muffled, posted by raisinb on December 12, 2008, at 13:15:41
Muffled is a sweetie. Love Phillipa
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 12, 2008, at 19:43:36
In reply to so my therapist offers me a hug and I say..., posted by raisinb on December 11, 2008, at 19:30:31
It was an awesome comment, that I think would go over well even with male T's that feel all huggy.
Male T: going in for hug
raisinb: Dude! you're too pregnant!lmao
I've only gotten 2 hugs from T's. Both from my womanT.
Handshakes, sure, from the men.
raisin, I'm glad that you've gotten to a very productive point in your therapy. You've worked very hard, and so has your therapist, it sounds like. Even though she's too pregnant! lol
Okay. I should shut up. I hope I'm not offensive. I am VERY tempted to use that phrase on my maleT next week.
-Ll
Posted by raisinb on December 13, 2008, at 1:00:53
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say... » raisinb, posted by llurpsienoodle on December 12, 2008, at 19:43:36
Haha--post us a pic of him looking woundedly at his belly! :)
Thank you for the support :) I don't know what is going to happen with this or anything. I wish therapy success translated to real life success. But I am lucky in a lot of ways :)
Posted by LibraryGirl on December 13, 2008, at 17:46:48
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say... » LibraryGirl, posted by raisinb on December 12, 2008, at 11:41:51
LOL I like your therapist's reaction. My former therapist would have taken it personally. Hmph. I'm glad you are able to have this evolving relationship with her. From what you wrote, your relationship with your T up to this point (conflicts, anger, etc) exactly describes my relationship with my first and former T. Unfortunately, we ended up terminating (badly). I'm glad for you that you seem to have gotten through the rough spots of your therapy and are able to have better moments.
Posted by raisinb on December 14, 2008, at 13:59:37
In reply to Re: so my therapist offers me a hug and I say... » raisinb, posted by LibraryGirl on December 13, 2008, at 17:46:48
Hi LG--
I'm sorry about your bad experience...unfortunately, it seems like there are so many therapists out there who cannot handle the powerful things that sometimes happen in therapy. And even good ones can make hurtful mistakes--sometimes for fairly long periods of time (mine, case in point). In fact, if you asked me if I'd done the right thing by staying, I don't know if I'd say "yes" unequivocally. All I know is, that is what I did at the time--the only thing I was able to do, really--and it worked.I am glad you found the strength to move on from her.
If my therapist took things I said to her personally, we certainly wouldn't be here!! I've made her cry on multiple occasions. And more than once yelled, "f**ck you!" (to be honest, she DID take that one a little personally :))
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