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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on November 29, 2008, at 11:26:12
I just got through an evening with my family. It included one piece of marked unpleasantness, involving a health crisis one member is experiencing. She said to me, at one point, "you'll have to move in with me to take care of me."
Now, this wasn't unexpected. She had made this expectation clear to me in the past. In the past, there was no immediacy, so it didn't seem worth confronting it. Last night I confronted it. I was polite, I said, "I love you -- and I can't do that."
She pushed, of course, because she does. "Why not?" And I managed to answer WITHOUT disclosing the to main reasons I can't -- I didn't disclose that I'm in school, nor the fact that this relative would make me crazy in a day. (Or less -- I'm saying a day because therapy has gone so well lately, and I feel so much stronger. I think I'd last longer than twenty minutes these days...)
She was angry, but didn't confront me much more about it. Nonetheless...
Now, I was forearmed -- I knew it was going to come up at some point, so I knew what I didn't want to say, and what I wanted to convey. Still, not easy.
Since holidays are hard for many of us, and Family Issues top the list, I figured this was a good opportunity to post accomplishments in this area, ways we've prepared and been successful in meeting the challenges. Anyone else have any to share?
Posted by Partlycloudy on November 29, 2008, at 12:21:24
In reply to Family -- and Defending Boundaries, posted by Racer on November 29, 2008, at 11:26:12
Just that I'm EVER so proud of you!
I managed to have my first ever Thanksgiving without any family at all - and for that, I am grateful. I don't think I could have been the least bit civil. So my boundaries were prearranged for me, thanks to circumstances.
Posted by Phillipa on November 29, 2008, at 12:29:28
In reply to Re: Family -- and Defending Boundaries » Racer, posted by Partlycloudy on November 29, 2008, at 12:21:24
Well confronted via person, e-mails that I knew they had been communicating with my second husband so handsome the one I miss so much and now I'm communicating with him myself via facebook. Oh how handsome he still is. When my kids left home the holidays became days of dread for me. Congrats to you both. Phillipa
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on November 29, 2008, at 17:26:20
In reply to Family -- and Defending Boundaries, posted by Racer on November 29, 2008, at 11:26:12
Good for you Racer for holding your ground, I know how hard that can be.
It really amazes me how some relatives feel "entitled" and that you should take care of them because they are family.
(((Racer))))
Posted by rskontos on November 29, 2008, at 19:04:11
In reply to Family -- and Defending Boundaries, posted by Racer on November 29, 2008, at 11:26:12
Racer, way to go in standing your ground and doing it your way. and staying cool. I haven't mastered that particular virtue yet. I still think I am at the teenage level of cool. I lose it too easily still.
And I did like Partly, I did not go anywhere this year. For Tday. Now for Christmas I am going to my sisters' and my estranged sister of 14 years with whom I have now made up with will be in attendance with her family minus the ex-husband. He is or was the cause of our past estrangment.
I hope the visit will go as well as our past phone conversations. For now, I am taking one day at time.My newly found sister's birthday was close to T-day, I sent her a big bouquet of flowers. She was thrilled and touched. I really don't know my sister and I am trying to re-connect. This is huge for both of us.
She called on T-day and we had a nice conversation. So for now, the three sisters are doing well. I am thankful for that. We are leaving dad out of it for now. That is a good thing.
I have set my boundaries with Dad and this did not come easy.
rsk
Posted by seldomseen on November 30, 2008, at 7:09:49
In reply to Family -- and Defending Boundaries, posted by Racer on November 29, 2008, at 11:26:12
One of the things I have been successful at is realizing that every single member of my family is absolutely stark raving mad.
I gave up on the notion of ever having the "perfect" holiday gathering and just accepted that it was going to be dysfunction, guilt trips, suicide threats and just general mayhem.
Once I accepted that, I was pretty much able to take myself out of the situation (mentally) and (shock) embrace the madness.
For instance, this past thanksgiving was pretty tame.
Nonetheless, my grandmother refused to sit at the table with us because she felt that none of us really loved her.
My father decided thanksgiving morning that he needed to dig out the septic tank (was it overflowing - no) and dug straight through dinner.
My mother, even though all the food was cooked for her or catered, still indicated that if she had to do this again, she was going to leave for good.
Of course, there was the discussion at the table as to whether or not I was a lesbian because I was single and wanted to take food to one of my female friends that had to work.It's like watching a troop of chimps really. Although that is perhaps insulting to the chimps.
That's not to say that all holidays are as benign as this one. Some are just outright violent and predatory.
Those, I just get in my car and leave. After all, I am choosing to be there. It's always my option as to whether to stay.
Seldom.
Posted by Daisym on November 30, 2008, at 17:46:49
In reply to Re: Family -- and Defending Boundaries, posted by seldomseen on November 30, 2008, at 7:09:49
Racer - I'll echo everyone else - I'm proud of you. I'm sure it wasn't easy.
For myself - Thanksgiving was sort of a chaotic nightmare in which I watched one of my children get drunk - first time I've seen that (he is 23) -- my brother not talk to anyone and my mother seemed just plain angry the whole day. So I took a deep breath and after three days of having conversations in my head with her, I called and said "are you upset with me and if so why?" She never really answered, she talked about her own feelings and how hard the holidays are for her - but I grew clear (again) about how it is all about her. I cried during the conversation but she didn't seem to know what to do with that. But still - *I* called, instead of just worrying about it. And that is new and huge step.
Now of course, I'm working on getting through the next big trauma. How can they put these things so close together!?
Posted by llurpsienoodle on November 30, 2008, at 19:14:20
In reply to Re: Family -- and Defending Boundaries, posted by Daisym on November 30, 2008, at 17:46:49
Racer, and all others on this thread-- you all have such diverse challenges, and yet some themes emerge...
I wonder what would happen if we each just showed up at some other babbler's home for the holidays. Maybe we could practice that grace and serenity that comes from being an outsider to madness!!!
Septic tank sounds aromatic, for instance... or perhaps I could inform racer's relative that I don't really need to care for her. Oh wait. Racer already did that (Go Racer!!!).
My personal insanity came in the form of visiting my family for a 3 day reunion. oh joy. The best part was when the boys played frisbee and my older bro took one to his eye socket and got a nice shiner. There was all the hubbub as my mom got out her ancient nursing texts and proceeded to do a painful 45 minute diagnostic interview while the other brother shone a penlight in older brother's pupil. Meanwhile dad is shouting anxiously "what's going on? Jesus f*kin Chr*st I can't see a Godda**d thing" and stomping his cane on the floor. The rest of us are using our digital cameras to capture the moment and then dad gets even more angry and starts shouting at us for being disruptive.
Perhaps another wonderful moment came when my dad bugged the hostess at least 2 dozen times over the course of the day to put a sturdy table in his bedroom, next to the bed. Why? so that he could put his pee filled urinal jugs somewhere in the middle of the night. (horror).
anyhoo, the meal itself went off without a hitch. No drama, foodwise, or behaviorwise. I suppose that's progress over the food fight 2 years ago?
-Ll
Posted by rskontos on November 30, 2008, at 21:39:38
In reply to Re: Family -- and Defending Boundaries, posted by seldomseen on November 30, 2008, at 7:09:49
>>>Nonetheless, my grandmother refused to sit at the table with us because she felt that none of us really loved her.
My father decided thanksgiving morning that he needed to dig out the septic tank (was it overflowing - no) and dug straight through dinner.
My mother, even though all the food was cooked for her or catered, still indicated that if she had to do this again, she was going to leave for good.
Of course, there was the discussion at the table as to whether or not I was a lesbian because I was single and wanted to take food to one of my female friends that had to work.It's like watching a troop of chimps really. Although that is perhaps insulting to the chimps.>>>
Seldom,
I am sorry but you had me cracking up. I don't mean to laugh but the image I got of your grandmother sitting at the children's table alone, your father outside digging in the yard, your mother still whining about cooking the "catered" food, and then the comparison to chimps not being fair to chimps, well I was on the floor.
You are right, most families are just plain weird.
I found out recently that I am the "bad" daughter that doesn't call enough, or come visit enough and I am ok with that.rsk
Posted by rskontos on November 30, 2008, at 21:45:19
In reply to Re: Family -- and Defending Boundaries, posted by llurpsienoodle on November 30, 2008, at 19:14:20
>>My personal insanity came in the form of visiting my family for a 3 day reunion. oh joy. The best part was when the boys played frisbee and my older bro took one to his eye socket and got a nice shiner. There was all the hubbub as my mom got out her ancient nursing texts and proceeded to do a painful 45 minute diagnostic interview while the other brother shone a penlight in older brother's pupil. Meanwhile dad is shouting anxiously "what's going on? Jesus f*kin Chr*st I can't see a Godda**d thing" and stomping his cane on the floor. The rest of us are using our digital cameras to capture the moment and then dad gets even more angry and starts shouting at us for being disruptive.>>
>>Perhaps another wonderful moment came when my dad bugged the hostess at least 2 dozen times over the course of the day to put a sturdy table in his bedroom, next to the bed. Why? so that he could put his pee filled urinal jugs somewhere in the middle of the night. (horror).
anyhoo, the meal itself went off without a hitch. No drama, foodwise, or behaviorwise. I suppose that's progress over the food fight 2 years ago?>>>
OH my god, Ll you got me going again after I read Seldom's story.
So now after reading everyone's "stories" (nightmares or comedies) I think we need to publish a book on Thanksgiving's/Holidays with the families.
Because if they crack me up, I am sure America could use a laugh. Maybe we are ok, and the rest of the family are the f*ck*d up ones!
So what do we think, a book is in order?
We could publish the stories and then offer survival tactics.
Posted by seldomseen on December 1, 2008, at 7:15:31
In reply to Re: oh my! Seldom.., posted by rskontos on November 30, 2008, at 21:39:38
Yeah I know, it's hilarious.
One day, I really do have to write a book, but I think most people would think it is fiction.
Alas no. All true, all true.
Seldom.
Posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 3, 2008, at 0:27:20
In reply to Re: Oh my Ll, I think we need to write family stor » llurpsienoodle, posted by rskontos on November 30, 2008, at 21:45:19
I think the Klumps< Simpsons, and Christmas Vacations already had a movie about my extended family dynamics. lol
Posted by llurpsienoodle on December 4, 2008, at 6:05:03
In reply to Re: Oh my Ll, I think we need to write family stor, posted by SlugSlimersSoSlided on December 3, 2008, at 0:27:20
Ha!
My older brother's retina was partially detached. Little brother didn't seem too apologetic about it. God knows that he's been the target for older brother's acting out before. So...Anyway, what a graceful conclusion to that particular episode.
He should make a full recovery.
-Ll
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